The Sorceress' Tower/Old

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Quest information from the entrance to the tower can be found at Naughty Sorceress Quest.


The Sorceress' Tower (The Stairs)

The Sorceress' Tower is a series of enemies which you cannot defeat on your own, you must use special items to kill them. They give many stats points when you beat them, so you may want to equip a blood-faced volleyball or hovering sombrero to make full use of the stat points. However, the Naughty Sorceress herself scales in difficulty with your stats, so players planning on immediate ascension may have little further use for any stat gains at this point. The monsters are different for each player.

If you don't have the necessary item, run away, get the item by either buying it in the mall or adventuring until it drops, then return to the Tower.

Beer Batterbaseball
Big Meat Golemmeat vortex
Bowling Cricketsonar-in-a-biscuit
Electron Submarinephotoprotoneutron torpedo
Enraged Cowbarbed-wire fence
Fickle Finger of F8razor-sharp can lid
Flaming Samuraifrigid ninja stars
Giant Desktop GlobeNG
Ice Cubecan of hair spray
Pretty Flyspider web
Tyrannosaurus Texchaos butterfly
Vicious Easeldisease

The Sorceress' Tower (Top)

Like the stairs, the adventures are randomized for each player. To an extent, that is. The events appear in the order below, but all people have different Codes, different Truth-Tellers, and different Familiar Foes. Note that you must be level 11 and have at least 70 of each stat in order to progress further than this point, else you will see only the following message:

You're not tough enough to fight up here. You need to be at least level 11, with at least 70 in all of your stats.

Heavy Door and Light Door

Click on the Light Door, and the four guards will be happy to give you the information you need to crack the door code. It's different every time, though, so asking people what the specific code is won't get you anywhere.

One guard is telling the truth and one is lying. Another is alternating between lying and truthfulness, and the last is craving human flesh. You have to use their answers to figure out who's telling truth and who's telling lies, and what the code is. (It'll be pretty obvious who's craving human flesh.)

Poochy reports that it seems that the truth-teller always says "You're full of it." In fact, a simple truth-table analysis of this problem confirms this, and this insight offers the fastest route to solving the problem each time. (Note, however, that sometimes none of the guards says "You're full of it.")

If you want to solve the problem yourself from scratch, the best way to figure it out is to list what each of the guards says in a separate text window, or on a piece of paper. Deciphering the Door Code explains how to use logic to figure out the code.

In addition, several online door code solvers have been created to solve the door riddle. Three of these are:

Once you have the code by whichever method, click on the Heavy Door and enter the code. If you are correct, the door will open; if not, you will lose 50HP.

The Electrical Attack

Equip the huge mirror shard to deflect a burst of energy. If you don't have the shard equipped, you'll lose 50 HP. The shard must be your main weapon, it cannot be an offhand item.

Defeat your own Shadow

  1. Boost your maximum HP. (See HP Increasers for skills and items that will boost your HP.) This is not always necessary. You may also wish to boost your initiative if moxie is not your strong point.
  2. Before going into battle, make sure that you are fully healed and as well protected as possible by your equipment.

The Shadow starts out with approximately 96 HP.

Note --- Healing yourself with skills or items is the only way to hurt this opponent. ---

The damage shadow does to you is proportional to your maximum HP, but the higher your maximum HP is, the more likely you are to survive the fight. Four (4) red pixel potions (or 3 potions and 1 Doc Galaktik's Homeopathic Elixir) are enough to win, although you have 2.3% chance of failure with only 3 potions and 1 elixir.

For this strategy to succeed it is best to have at least 126 HP, though it is possible to win the battle with less. If you have access to them, red plastic oyster eggs work even better than potions, and even 70HP is enough.

If you have the Disco Bandit skill Ambidextrous Funkslinging you can dual-use elixirs and win extremely easily. This recovers 36-40 HP per round, more than a single red pixel potion.

The Familiars

As her last line of defense, the Naughty Sorceress will send two of her pets after you. Clicking on the familiar names in the first column will take you to the battle description.

To beat a(n):Use a 20 lb:
Angry GoatMosquito
BarrrnacleAngry Goat
Levitating PotatoBarrrnacle
MosquitoSabre-Toothed Lime
Sabre-Toothed LimeLevitating Potato

The familiars she sends are chosen randomly.

Your familiar's effective weight must be at least 20 pounds in order to beat the enemy. That weight can be reached by buffs and other additions, but it can't be any lower than 20.

If you don't have the right familiar with you at the right weight, you'll get hit for 50 HP and have to repeat the battle. If you don't have a familiar at all, you lose 100 HP. If you get to 0 HPs, you'll get Beaten Up for 4 adventures, instead of the usual 3.

Familiar Helpers

The following tools are invaluable in efficiently levelling your familiars for the final battle. They are, in increasing order of automation:

  • The Cake-Shaped Arena is generally the best place to raise a familiar's weight - in addition to gaining experience faster than a normal combat adventure, you will obtain familiar equipment to raise your familiar's effective weight.
  • Skills that increase a familiar's weight (Leash of Linguini, Empathy, Amphibian Sympathy) are often chosen for "speed" Ascensions to reduce the number of adventures required to pass this point. For a complete list of effects and items that increase your familiar's weight, see Familiar Weight.
  • Having the Summon Snowcone skill can also be particularly useful when trying to pass this point.
  • Using the Knob Goblin pet-buffing spray is useful as well
  • The tools listed in the box on the right will help you effectively raise your familiar's level.

The Naughty Sorceress

You'll then have to beat the Naughty Sorceress in each of her 3 forms, with no break in between.

General Info:

  • Wand of Nagamar MUST be equipped. You can't beat her third form without it.
  • All non-intrinsic effects, including buffs and negative effects, are automatically removed at the beginning of the fight.
  • After 50 rounds of combat on one form, you automatically lose the fight.
  • Damage Absorption has little or no significant effect.
  • Each form of the sorceress starts off with 200 HP
  • Each time the sorceress beats you up, a very significant extra percentage of your spells and items is let through the next fight.
  • Do NOT use Mr. Accessories, badass belts or an easter egg balloon - she will increase her level to yours.

The sorceress is hard to hit. Not all of your attacks will land, because she has the ability to distract you as you attempt to use a skill or use an item. Most strategies involve the use of items and spells which are believed to reduce her level.

  • If you have the Disco Bandit skill Ambidextrous Funkslinging, she still has to block both items separately, so it is possible for her to successfully block one item but fail to block the other.
Level-Lowering Items

First form: max -6 level, second form: max -10 level. If you lower her level past those points, she will automatically dispell all deleveling. It used to be so that that would be the only point where she would dispell. This makes off-white plastic oyster eggs useless for the first form, but a good way of controlling her level for the second. Now she can dispell every round, the chance of that happening probably alters depending on how much she already has been deleveled or you using a deleveling spell.

Other Combat Items
Stats Management

The Sorceress' stats scale to yours, so managing your stats is very important. You will either want to be as powerful as possible, or as weak as possible. Most players opt for the weakness strategy by wearing the Furry Suit.

Having a single stat which is not at the same general level as the other two narrows the range of the damage done by the Sorceress (e.g. 6-7 instead of 3-15). In general, a single lowered stat reduces the amount of damage this opponent inflicts.

Usually, equipment that increases a character's maximum hit points (such as the Bejeweled accordion strap) is not useful against the Sorceress, because the amount of damage she does is based on your maximum HP. Unless you are wearing the Furry Suit, she deals 1 extra point of damage for each 10 HP you have. However, the Furry Suit makes these items useful again. If you are wearing the Furry Suit, she will generally do 1 point of damage for every 20 HP you have (4 at 61-80 HP, 5 at 81-100, etc.)

80 HP is arguably the best amount of HP to have when fighting the Sorceress. At 81 HP, she generally deals 1 extra point of damage. The lower your hit points, the more useful your healing items will be.

If you opt not to wear the Furry Suit the 1337 7r0uZ0RZ and Draggin' ball hat also modify your maximum HP.

HP and MP Replenishment

Pixel potions seem to be somewhat easier to use than the Homeopathic Elixirs, but this is not confirmed. Red pixel potions heal more HP than the Homeopathic Elixirs, so they can be more useful for Muscle classes and others with a high number of HP. All characters should bring Homeopathic Elixirs in case they exhaust their supply of pixel potions.

Green pixel potions, which restore 15-20 HP and 15-20 MP, can be useful to Mysticality classes. Characters with a high number of HP will find them to be less useful than red pixel potions, particularly if MP use is not a significant part of their strategy.

  • Spells cannot hit for more than 37-40 damage. (There are still some loopholes/bugs here.)


Also reasonable (in decreasing order):

Keep in mind that the sorceress removes all spells, including familiar weight-enhancing buffs.

Other Useful Equipment

The strategies listed here have been found to be effective.

General Strategy

What to do: Even though it's counterintuitive, attack with your Wand. Since the NS doesn't nullify weapon attacks, your GPoaS will always attack (or try to, at least). Your GPoaS will either attack or drip juice. When it drips juice, use attacking items or healing items such as those mentioned in the General Info section.

Mysticality classes with Double-Fisted Skull Smashing may find it effective to purchase an Iron pasta spoon from the Mall, which gives a very nice enchantment, or a Star spatula, which has a better enchantment than the Iron pasta spoon.

If you do not have a pickle, any effective combat familiar will help you with the Naughty Sorceress fight. The Cocoabo's and Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot's healing, attacking, and confusion (de-leveling) can be very useful. The Clockwork Grapefruit and Barrnacle have been used with success as well. The Clockwork Grapefruit attacks and the Barrnacle de-levels. Though it isn't much, the Mosquito can also help you regain a few HP when it attacks the NS.

Seal Clubber

Alternate between Thrust-Smacks (3 MP), Doc Galaktik's Homeopathic Elixir when you get below half your HP (start off with 40 of them) and photoprotoneutron torpedo/plot hole. The Plot Holes are best used at the beginning of each form or right after she dispelled everything. Always watch out for how much you have already deleveled her.

Note that with Double-Fisted Skull Smashing you can equip any one handed weapon as long as the Wand of Nagamar is in the off-hand slot.

Another effective off-hand/accessory strategy is to optimize elemental damage bonuses from enchantments. This way, there will always be a constant as to how much bonus damage you deal. Muscle sign-users have a powerful potential of using a Spooky glove (make two of them: one for the quest, and one for use), and a spooky bicycle chain (with Double-Fisted Skull Smashing, delivering +10 spooky damage and +5 sleaze damage using the furry suit as well.

Turtle Tamer

Be sure to acquire the skill Wisdom of the Elder Tortoises before the battle.

Alternate between normal attacks, Doc Galaktik's Homeopathic Elixir when you get below half your HP (start off with 40 of them)and Photoprotoneutron torpedo/Plot hole. The plot holes are best used at the beginning of each form. Always watch out for how much you have already deleveled her.

Instead of normal attacks, Chronic Indigestion (eat to fullness first, not useful in oxy and boozetafarian) is an option. Note that the Flaming Talons don't help when using those.

Alternate Strategy: Instead of flaming talons, use a shield (such as yakskin buckler, hippo skin buckler or gnauga hide buckler). Use the furry suit, as in the above strategy. Any +damage items (such as hamethyst bracelet or eXtreme mittens) are helpful as accessories. Use amulet of extreme plot significance to fill the other accessory slot(s). Acquire Headbutt, Kneebutt and Shieldbutt prior to this fight. Spam Shield/Knee/Headbutt combo. Although it is 13 MP per use, you will do a lot of damage and the NS will die very quickly. This strategy is helped by a MP-restoring familiar, like the Star Starfish.

Use Minor Ray of Something (4 MP) or eXtreme Ray of Something (7 MP). Alternate between damage spells and Doc Galaktik's Homeopathic Elixir when you get below half your HP (start off with 20 of them). Don't forget to have plenty of MP restoring potions (such as magical mystery juice) handy to be able to keep battling. Remember lots of your attacks will fail.

You can also use Weapon of the Pastalord which does about 85 damage with kickback cookbook, but does work only on some ascensions.


Be sure to acquire the skill Intrinsic Spiciness before the battle. This will increase your spell damage by 10 points. Use Stream of Sauce (3 MP) or Saucestorm (12 MP). Alternate between damage spells and Doc Galaktik's Homeopathic Elixir when you get below half your HP (start off with 20 of them)

It may be more cost-effective to just use Stream of Sauce and use Saucy Salve instead of the Homeopathic Elixirs and Saucestorm, as the damage done by the two spells versus the Naughty Sorceress is approximately equal.

Accordion Thief

Alternate between normal attacks, Doc Galaktik's Homeopathic Elixir when you get below half your HP (start off with 40 of them) and Photoprotoneutron Torpedo/Plot Hole (very useful since they deal a lot more damage than your normal attacks). The Plot Holes are best used at the beginning of each form. Always watch out for how much you have already deleveled her.

Instead of/in addition to normal attacks, Chronic Indigestion (eat to fullness first, not useful in oxy or boozetafarian) is a very good option. Note that the Flaming Talons don't help when using those. In oxy and boozetafarian, Moxious Maneuvers can replace Chronic Indigestion.

Disco Bandit

On the first form, first get a Disco Dance II: Electric Boogaloo through. On the second form, get a Disco Face Stab through. Try again if she shimmers. This strategy doesn't work if you are using a familiar that delevels like the pickle. After that, normal attacks, Photoprotoneutron Torpedo (very useful since it deals a lot more damage than your normal attacks) and Doc Galaktik's Homeopathic Elixir when you get below half your HP (start off with 30-40 of them). Having the skill Ambidextrous Funkslinging is very useful when trying to use the elixirs, as you will have double the chance her not taking away one of the elixirs.

Instead of/in addition to normal attacks, Chronic Indigestion (eat to fullness first, not useful in oxy or boozetafarian) is a very good option. Note that the Flaming Talons don't help when using those.


Another lesser used strategy is to fight the Sorceress with just the Wand of Nagamar equipped. This means that the Sorceress works at exactly your stats. If Chronic Indigestion is also used, it can make quick work of her. This strategy is good for Hardcore as it means one does not have to fish around for the furry suit or other items. If you're finding that you only deal 8 or so damage, equipping the melee-damage-increasing items will give you more of an edge without raising the Sorceress' level. An off-hand detective skull can also be used to track your progress through the battle.

Repeated Losses


This strategy works for all classes, and can be used with any of the above strategies. Many people refuse to believe this, nor even try it, but if you can't seem to beat the sorceress, try this. Attack the sorceress and just do a normal attack until you die. If you are wearing an hp restoring item, go ahead and attack and lose again. If not, just use a low-hp healing item once, and attack again. do this about 10 times. Yes it will take several adventures, but what's another quarter of a day if needed? "Why let her beat you up a lot?" you may ask. Well, as proven in Almighty Tallest's post, doing this allows for skills and items to have a much better chance of hitting/working. If you have a small amount of items, or have very little MP but have great skills, try this out, it may save you a lot more time than it takes.

She's dead. Now what?

The king floats in front of you, suspended in a mystical prism (which explains why the prism has no straight lines in it). He waves at you helplessly and shouts something, but you can't hear it.

Free King Ralph XI

Remember, some of the trophies must be bought from the Trophy Hut BEFORE freeing the king, or you will have to wait for another ascension!

Click on the Sorceress' prism to Free King Ralph from it.

You shout "Hi-keeba!" and deliver a fierce karate chop to the prism. It shatters into a quintillion tiny pieces of magic, which whirl around the king and blow him back to safety on top of the decimated sorceress' tower.
The shards of magic form a swirling vortex in the sky, which rips a gash in the very fabric of reality. Whoops.
King Ralph the XI stands before you in all his regal glory. "I'm sorry, adventurer," he says, "but the king is in another castle." Then he breaks into a hearty chuckle. "Well done, adventurer! You laid the smack down on that skank with admirable derring-do and panache. I am eternally in your debt."

If you have just successfully completed your first Hardcore ascension:

You have been granted access to a new chat channel: /hardcore

The portal will then open.

If you are falling down drunk you will get this message:

Trust me -- you're going to want to be sober for this confrontation...

And the portal will not open.

Enter the Portal

A scintillating, vibrating hole in the very fabric of reality floats just above the ruins of the sorceress' chamber. Looking at it makes your eyes hurt a little bit, and the high-pitched whistling noise coming out of it doesn't help, either. Still, its siren call is hard to resist.

Once you DO reach the top and have freed the king, you don't have to ascend right away. You can finish your business in this life, and then enter the portal. When you do enter the portal, you will spend some time Beyond the Pale and then choose your ascension path. Note: You may still enter the Astral Gash if you are falling-down drunk. Note: You can enter the Astral Gash with 0 adventures as well

If you have just finished a Hardcore ascension, you can access your items at Hagnk's between freeing the king and jumping through the portal. If you finished a Normal ascension, you must finish your Ronin turns before you have free access to Hagnk's.

Council Text

  • On initial visit:
Now that you have proven yourself, the Council has deemed that it is time for you to embark upon your final quest. Seek out and destroy the Naughty Sorceress, who has plagued these lands for so long, and rescue King Ralph XI, whom she has imprismed.
Go forth to her Lair, east of the Nearby Plains! Beat her down!
  • On subsequent visits:
Be strong, Adventurer! You must defeat the Naughty Sorceress! You'll find her Lair just east of the Nearby Plains.
  • After defeating the Sorceress, but before freeing King Ralph:
"Congratulations, Adventurer! You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress and brought peace to the land again. Say, did you know she was your mother?
Nah, just kidding. Anyway, I notice you left the king imprismed up there. It would be horrible if you left him there, because then the monsters would continue to fight adventurers and we would continue to have absolute power throughout the land. Yup, that sure would be a drag.
I guess you should probably go free him, though. But, y'know, take your time. If there's anything really important you have to do first, like brushing your teeth or cleaning your campsite, just go ahead and do that.
Seriously, no rush."
  • After quest completion:
"Congratulations, Adventurer! It's the end of your quest as we know it. Don't worry, we feel fine. You've freed the king and made us obsolete. Ah, well. Hail to the king, baby.
There's one little matter of obscure prophecy we forgot to tell you about, though. Sorry -- Dave, our librarian, just brought it to our attention. Apparently, your physical presence is somehow tied to the continuing monster attacks in the kingdom. As long as you remain on this plane of existence, the attacks will continue. It seems that it wasn't just the Sorceress -- the monsters just really, really don't like you.
I don't suppose you'd bugger off this mortal coil, would you? Our instruments (especially the tuba) show there's a rip in the fabric of reality that appeared when you fought the Sorceress. If you jump in there, you'll ascend to a higher plane and peace will rule our land."


The next two accomplishments will show up in your personal profile:

  • You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress.
  • You have freed King Ralph XI from the Sorceress' prism.

When you complete your first Hardcore ascension, you gain access to channel /hardcore.


  • The Council's "It's the end of your quest as we know it. Don't worry, we feel fine." is a reference to the R.E.M. song It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine), from their 1987 album Document.
  • The siren call in the Astral Gash text is a reference to Greek Mythology. The sirens produced songs that were irresistable to any who heard them, singing them to seduce passing sailors, causing their ships to wreck.
  • "Hail to the king, baby." is a line spoken by Ash (Bruce Campbell) in the cult comedy/horror movie Army of Darkness. So is the exchange "'You found me beautiful once.' 'Honey, you got real ugly. Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!'" between you and the Sorceress (actually, it's lines from two different parts of the movie, stuck together). So, for that matter, is the Sorceress' line: "'I may be bad,' she says, 'But I feel gooood.'"
  • "Rock me on the dais?!" is a reference to the Falco song Rock Me Amadeus, as is the line "Wun-wun-wun-wun-wunderbar" (a lyric from the song).
  • "I'm sorry, adventurer, but the king is in another castle" is a reference to Super Mario Brothers. In it, every time you clear a castle, you are given the message "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!"
  • The fact that he actually is the sought-after king may also be a reference to Super Mario Brothers 3, in which the Princess makes a similar joke.
  • The Council's "Our instruments (especially the tuba) show..." is a reference to Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill HBO special, and his Definite Article DVD.
  • In Baldur's Gate, Dark Alliance, when fighting the second last boss, the arena is exactly like The Sorceress' Tower (Top).
  • King Ralph XI may be a reference to the movie King Ralph with John Goodman.
  • "You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress and brought peace to the land again. Say, did you know she was your mother?" is a reference to The Empire Strikes Back. (More accurately, it's a reference to the beginning of the Naughty Sorceress fight, where she says the same thing, which, in turn, is a reference to Star Wars).
  • "'Dang it!' you shout. 'How many times do I have to kill you? This battle has taken over a half an hour and there's no save point!'" is a possible reference to Final Fantasy VII where it took forever to beat Sephiroth in all three forms.
  • "Hi-keeba!" is a line from the Women of the Prehistoric Planet episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. One of the women in the movie being riffed yelled it when performing a karate chop, and Joel and the bots repeated it frequently for the rest of the movie.
  • At the "Light and Heavy Door" area, the guard that craves the taste of human flesh and only says "Graaaaagh" may be a reference to the web game, Urban Dead