The Council of Loathing/Wildfire

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When playing the special challenge path of Wildfire, the text from the Council of Loathing discussed the current state of the kingdom:

  • Initial text:
Welcome, Adventurer. You have arrived at a time of great need. There's a fire extinguisher next you to on the wall there, could you grab that and give my desk a little spritz? Here on the corner, where it's on fire. Good, thank you. That wasn't the great need I mentioned before, but I appreciate it. I don't know if you've noticed, but basically everything is on fire for some reason? We're not sure if it's a climate thing, or an unusually large-scale feat of arson, or... aliens? I dunno, did we forget to pay the no fire bill? God, I'm rambling -- it's so hot in here, I can't even think. Listen, go see if the Toot Oriole has a letter for you or anything, while I drink a bunch of water and put my head in the fridge for a minute. Assuming the Toot is still there, considering he lives in a little pile of dry twigs. No, leave the fire extinguisher here, I might need it.
  • After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:
Ah, you're back. And you have a letter from the Toot Oriole, that's nice. I was expecting a handful of ashes at best. He must have some amazing central air. Anyway, go ahead and read that while I stare directly into this electric fan for a second.
  • After reading King Ralph's note:
We don't have anything you can help us with right now, Adventurer. You should go explore a little, get your bearings, put out some fires, and come back when you're a little stronger.
You could check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains. It's on fire.
Or maybe the Haunted Pantry is more your style -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks. That's also on fire.
Another option is The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. That, as you've probably guessed, is also on fire. And I bet it smells disastrous.
  • When no quests are available:
Unfortunately, there are no more tasks required of you by the Council at this time. Maybe just go help put out the fires? That's a generally helpful sort of thing you could do. Just sort of contribute to everything not being on fire. That would be good.
Return later, when you are more experienced and I'm less delirious from heat exhaustion. I think my eyeballs are sweating.


Level 2 - Spooky Forest Quest

  • Initial text:
Ah you're back, good. I've got a little mission for you -- our science guys want to check on how the local wetlands fauna are dealing with this whole fire business. I told them, probably not great? It probably isn't fun for them? But that wasn't a scientific enough answer, I guess. So they told me to tell you to go find a mosquito larva or something of that nature. Here, I'll mark the place on your map, although you could probably just follow the smell of burning swamp.
  • Subsequent times:
Hzezlzlzoz, Azdzvzeznztzuzrzezrz. Wzez-- what? Oh, you'd rather I didn't speak directly into this electric fan? Well, bring me a mosquito larva. Until then, tzozuzgzhz nzozozgzizezsz.
  • When returning with the mosquito larva:
You actually found a mosquito larva? Huh, I wouldn't've thought there'd be enough standing water left in the Kingdom for it to be possible for mosquitoes to breed. Great news, everybody -- everything is on fire, but don't worry, the mosquitoes are safe! Yayyyyy. Anyway, I'll have someone deliver this to our science guys. Here's some Meat for your trouble.
Meat.gifYou gain 500 Meat.

Level 3 - Typical Tavern Quest

  • Initial text:
We've received word that the owner of the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods, is having a bit of a rat problem. Probably also a fire problem. Probably a real bad fire problem, unless the rumors about him watering down his stock are true. Anyway, when he called us, he said something about rats, not fire, so maybe his fire problem isn't any worse than everywhere else. Or maybe his rat problem is really surprisingly bad. Go check it out, will you? I need to go put some fresh ice in my shorts.
  • Subsequent times:
The owner of the Typical Tavern called again, he's still having some kind of rat problem. I asked him about the fire and he said it's making everyone real thirsty, so it's kind of balancing out for him? That's capitalism for you, I guess.

Level 4 - Boss Bat Quest

  • Initial text:
Okay, great, you're back. I've got a proper quest for you this time -- I need you to go to the Bat Hole in the plains, and kill the Boss Bat so that I can move my office into his nice, shady underground cave. Oh, did I say that last part out loud? Ha ha, ignore that. Don't worry about that. Just do the bat thing. Oh, or if you prefer, you could stand here and wave this fan at me for a while. No? Fine, suit yourself.
  • Subsequent times:
Oh, hey. Did you kill the Boss Bat yet? No? Did you decide to take the job waving a fan at me, instead? Also no? Well, look, c'mon, it's one or the other.
  • After defeating the Boss Bat:
So I got a report back that you've successfully killed the Boss Bat! Nice job, great work. Unfortunately, the report also says that his cave is full of bat crap that is on fire, so that ruins my office relocation plans. Sure I can't get you to wave this fan for a bit? It's surprisingly hard to write memos while you're waving a fan with the other hand. Kind of a patting your head while rubbing your stomach sort of deal.

Level 5 - The King of Cobb's Knob Quest

  • Initial text:
Oh, good, you're just in time. Is that fire extinguisher still over there? Some more of my desk has caught fire. Yeah, right there -- nice, thank you.
I also have a job for you which is probably of more general importance, although clearly not as important to me personally. The local Goblins over at Cobb's Knob are having similar problems as us with this whole "everything is on fire" situation, but we can't assume they won't take this opportunity to attack us while we're distracted. They're extremely devious and sneaky little bastards, after all. So, we've decided the best course of action is to attack them first, while they're distracted.
All you need to do is sneak into Cobb's Knob, and assassinate their king. If it makes you feel better about it, there's probably a non-zero chance that he's responsible for all this fire. I mean, I wouldn't put it past him. Our spies have recovered this map to a secret entrance into the Knob, but you'll have to find an encryption key to decode it with. Better hurry, this is just regular paper. Could go up any minute.
Map.gifYou acquire an item: Cobb's Knob map
  • Before accessing the inside of the Knob:
Any luck finding your way into Cobb's Knob? Try looking around the Outskirts for a way to decode that map. Yes, I know the Outskirts are largely on fire. This is something that we're all learning to live with, okay? You've got to adapt.
  • After accessing the inside of the Knob:
So you got into Cobb's Knob, eh? Great! Is it any cooler in there than up here? No? Well, that's unfortunate. I guess you might as well go ahead and assassinate their king anyway, though. Since you're there already anyway. I mean you aren't there right now, you're in here talking to me. But it's like, what, one or two clicks? No, I don't really know what that means. I don't know why I said that. It's just so hot in here! We ran out of ice ages ago, and they won't let me drink the stuff inside the plastic freezer blocks.
  • After defeating the Goblin King:
Thank you for slaying the Goblin King, Adventurer. That'll teach him to go around kinging it up while the rest of us are on fire. Serves him right.

Level 6 - Deep Fat Friars' Gate Quest

  • Initial text:
I've just gotten in a report that the Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods are having some kind of situation -- apparently they accidentally summoned a bunch of demons from Hey Deez. I wonder if that could be related to how everything is on fire? Like, maybe there's some sort of cause and effect thing going on here. Hmm. Well, anyway, go and see if you can help them get that sorted out, will you? And maybe see if they have any tips for beating the heat. They seem like guys who would know some good lifehacks for that sort of thing.
  • Subsequent times:
The Deep Fat Friars are still asking for help. I tried to explain about how we're all kind of busy being on fire around here, but they were very insistent.

Level 7 - Undefile the Cyrpt Quest

  • Initial text:
Oh hey, I had a great idea: a crypt should be nice and cool, right? Largely underground, made of stone, basically inflammable. Or unflammable? If 'inflammable' means 'very flammable', how do you say 'not flammable'? Also 'inflammable'? That's ridiculous, get out of here. Don't come back until you've cleared me out a new office.
Wait, take this thing with you. I nearly forgot.
Evilometer.gifYou acquire an item: Evilometer
  • Subsequent times:
Did you finish clearing out the Cyrpt yet? I realize my instructions might've been a little unclear, what with the heat-stroke and all. Basically I need you to go to the Cyrpt in the Misspelled Cemetary, and clean all the undeads out of it, so I can have a nice fireproof office. Apparently that gizmo I gave you is supposed to detect spookiness. I asked the science guys if they had a device to detect fire, and they gave me a stick with a marshmallow on it. Funny guys. I'd fire them all, but, ha ha well...
  • After defeating the Bonerdagon:
Huh, so there was a big fire-wearing dragon skeleton in the Crypt? Shoot, it'll have turned that place into an oven, it'll be ages before it cools off in there. So much for my office plans. Thanks for checking it out anyway, though. Good job. Do you want some of my chocolate soup? It used to be a bowl of ice cream, but that stopped being true pretty quickly.

Level 8 - Mt. McLargeHuge Quest

  • Initial text:
Adventurer! Great news! We've received a request for assistance from a Trapper who lives at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge, and that gave me a great idea! I could have an office on top of a snow-covered mountain! Wouldn't that be great? Take the ski lift to work in the morning, and then ski home in the afternoon? Or maybe just stay up there in the cold forever? God, that would be incredible.
Anyway, go scout the place out for me, okay? And see what that Trapper wants while you're out there, I guess.
  • Subsequent times:
How's it going with Mt. McLargeHuge? Not very promising? Hmm, that's disappointing. Well, at least bring me back a bag of snow, okay?

Level 9 - Orc Chasm Quest

  • Initial text:
Ah, here's something for you to take care of. A minor nobleman named Bla-- what's that? My necktie? Oh, looks like it's caught fire again. Is the fire extinguisher empty? Oh well. I guess I'm getting used to it.
Anyway, this guy Black Angus called, asking for help. Probably all his stuff is on fire, same as ours. We don't want this to turn into a whole political thing though, so you'd better go check and see what he needs. So long as that isn't a fire extinguisher. He lives in the Highlands, of the other side of the Orc Chasm.
Oh by the way -- your name is <playername>, right? This came in the mail for you. It must be printed on asbestos or something, so be careful with it.
Guildapp.gifYou acquire an item: strange leaflet
  • Subsequent times:
Seems like Black Angus's problem isn't sorted out yet, Adventurer. The phone was ringing off the hook, until it melted. Better go see what that's all about.
Listen, before you go, though, do me a favor and taste these glasses of water for me. I've been drinking out of one and squeezing my handkerchief out into the other, and I've forgotten which was which. I'm so thirsty.

Level 10 - Giant Trash Quest

  • Initial text:
Oh god. Oh god, I bet you thought it couldn't get any worse, right? Everything literally on fire, that's about as bad as it gets, right? That's what I thought. Except now the Plains are filling up with garbage. Burning garbage. Are you smelling that? Of course you are, it's everywhere. This is the worst, it's like some kind of sick joke. Or a parable, or something. We are actually living in an actual dumpster fire. Please. Please, go figure out how to put a stop to it, I'm really allergic to when things are a little too on the nose. And this smell is about as on the nose as it gets.
  • Subsequent times:
You still haven't gotten rid of the burning garbage in the Nearby Plains, Adventurer. I know you've dealt with this kind of thing before, so it's not like you're stuck on a puzzle or anything. Please, come on, I'm begging you.
  • After completing the quest:
Oh man. Oh jeez. You got rid of the garbage. Thank you, thank you so much. I thought I was going to die. I mean, I probably still am, everything is still on fire, but at least I'm not welcoming the idea like I was when the smell of burning garbage was everywhere. Pretty much everything I could reward you with has burned up, but the clean-up crews found this thing that's still mostly intact. Wear it in good health, for as long as that remains possible.
Bottlecap.gifYou acquire an item: giant discarded bottlecap
Tornglove.gifYou acquire an item: giant discarded torn-up glove

Level 11 - Quest for the Holy MacGuffin

  • Initial text:
Ah, <player name> -- I've got some bad news for you. Yes, worse than everything being on fire. I think we can just sort of accept that as a neutral baseline, at this point. Anyway, you know your father, the renowned archaeologist? We sent him to Distant Lands to see if everything's on fire there too, maybe set up a branch office so we could get away from this conflagrated husk of a kingdom. Unfortunately, he didn't report back, and it turns out he's gone missing. Probably went on another one of his wild archaeological goose chases again.
He left a diary behind, with instructions that it be given to you, but that you'd have to pick it up personally. I guess he was afraid of it catching fire. That's a pretty reasonable fear, to be honest. Our post office has seen better days. You can get there via the Travel Agency at The Shore, but the thing is, you need a passport, and our passport office is closed. Guess why?
Probably you could still get a passport from the Black Market, though. Those guys are pretty resilient, it wouldn't surprise me if they were still doing business in the middle of a forest fire. Once you've gotten your dad's diary, do us a favor and see if you can't track down whatever wild ancient relic he was looking for. Maybe it'll be the key to putting out all these fires. Heck, I'd settle for it being a decent air conditioner.
  • Subsequent times:
Any luck getting your father's diary and recovering the Holy MacGuffin, or whatever it was? It's kind of the best hope we have of putting an end to this whole "on-fire" business, unless someone suddenly invents a fire extinguisher the size of a grain silo.
  • After completing the quest:
Hey, great job bringing back the Holy MacGuffin! Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have any particular fire-extinguishing or air-conditioning properties, which is a little disappointing. I'll have the science guys poke around at it some more though, just to make sure.
Ordinarily, we'd throw you a ticker-tape parade for an achievement like this, but it's probably not a great idea to go around throwing tiny shredded bits of paper in the air. I can give you a little baggie of the stuff, but please be careful with it.
Confetti.gifYou acquire an item: handful of confetti

Level 12 - Mysterious Island Quest

  • Initial text:
So we're getting reports that the Hippies and Frat Boys on the Mysterious Island of Mystery are mad at each other. More than usual, I mean. I don't know, it's probably something to do with being trapped on a tiny burning island with dwindling resources? I'd be a little on-edge myself. Ha ha ha. Whooo.
Hang on one second... The lab guys made me this special suit that recirculates my personal water so I don't die, and I need to be very careful not to drink out of the wrong tube. I think it was this one? ...Nope.
Well, that aside, let me get to the point: we need one of the factions on that island to not be on the island any more, so we can step in and claim their leftover stuff. Doesn't matter which one and it doesn't matter how, just get those hippies and frat boys fighting.

  • Subsequent times:
Hey, have you managed to start the war on the Mysterious Island yet? If you're having moral issues with the whole situation, I can understand that. I don't care, but I do understand.

  • After starting the war:
Ah, good, we're getting in reports that the hippies and frat boys are at war -- nice work! Well, "nice" is relative.
The next step is to end the war as quickly as possible, so all of the island's resources don't get wasted before we can get our hands on them. You know the deal -- get out there and light a fire under their asses. So to speak, ha ha.

  • After defeating the hippies:
Good job, adventurer! You cleared all of those terrible hippies off of the island! I'll tell ya, all their "crops" being on fire was really playing havoc with our ability to get anything at all done over there. Once the smoke clears, though, we'll be set for provisions for at least a few more days.
SomethingYou acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]
  • After defeating the frat boys:
Great work kicking all those frat boys off the island, adventurer! All that cheap vodka they've been stockpiling was wildly hazardous, it's amazing they didn't blow themselves up, when you think about it. But now we can swoop in and commandeer their strategic nacho and buffalo wing reserves. To be perfectly honest, I'm not really looking forward to spicy food, but it's either that or learn how to eat charcoal, I guess.
SomethingYou acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]
  • After defeating both sides:
Wossname.gifYou acquire an item: Order of the Silver Wossname

Level 13 - Naughty Sorceress Quest

  • Initial text:
Okay. Okay, okay okay. Listen, this is big. The Naughty Sorceress has popped up in here tower again, and if there's anyone who's at fault for all this fire, it's got to be the Naughty Sorceress, right? I mean, we don't really have fossil fuel industries or late-stage capitalism here in the Kingdom, so there's pretty much only one person to blame when this sort of thing happens.
Go break into her lair in the Nearby Plains -- you'll probably have to enter her contest or whatever to sneak in -- and defeat her, and then free the King. Hopefully he'll know what to do. I am so dehydrated I can't even spell my own name anymore.
  • Subsequent times:
Be strong, Adventurer! You must defeat the Naughty Sorceress! You'll find her Lair just east of the Nearby Plains. Can't miss it, it's on fire. Just like everything else. Okay, well, I guess that kind of dilutes the "can't miss it" aspect of being on fire, actually. But it's also pretty tall.
  • After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:
Hey, you did it -- you defeated the Naught Sorceress. Congratulations are in order, I guess. If I seem kind of muted, it's because everything is still on fire. I was really hoping that destroying the Naughty Sorceress would, like, put a stop to that.
The King is still up there, though. Maybe you should go free him -- he might know what to do. Me, I'm one hundred percent out of ideas. It's way too hot to do anything other than sit here and listen to my blood simmering.