Sassy pirate

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Sassy pirate
Monster ID 104
Locations The Obligatory Pirate's Cove
Hit Points 51
Attack 61
Defense 54
No-Hit 71
Initiative 60
Meat 16-24
Phylum pirate
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
crowbarrr, flaregun, sunken chest, swashbuckling pants
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
sassy pirate You're fighting a sassy pirate

Diagnosis: Sassy!

Hit Message(s):

He lifts up his eyepatch and shows you what's underneath. Argh! Ooh! Eek! Argh!

He sasses you in the <neck>. Sassy! Oof! Oof! Eek!

He opens a bottle of sassparilla, downs it, and sassily pummels you to the ground. Ooh! Ouch! Eek!

He drops you a sassy wink. You blush and turn away, smacking your head into the wall behind you. Man, I guess I should have warned you about that wall behind you. Oof! Ow! Ouch!

He sasses you like a hoopy frood. Believe me, it hurts.

Critical Hit Message:

He does a sassy little dance, complete with sassy little jazz hands. Midway through, he sassily kicks you right in your neck. You fall to the ground, charmed and in pain. Ow! Oof! Ouch! Ouch!

Miss Message(s):

He lifts up his eyepatch, but you avert your two good eyes.

He tries to sass you, but you sass his frass first.

He opens a bottle of sassparilla and drinks it. Nothing happens. He probably should have used a can of whup-ass instead.

He drops a sassy wink at you, but you're immune to his charms.

He tries to sass you like a hoopy frood, but you're far too hoopy to be sassed.

Fumble Message:

He starts to sass you again, but is distracted when a sassy female pirate goes by. You watch him flirt with the sassy lassy for a while. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 16-24 Meat (average: 20, stdev: 2)*
Crowbar.gifYou acquire an item: crowbarrr (9.5% chance)*
Flaregun.gifYou acquire an item: flaregun (31.1% chance)*
Chest2.gifYou acquire an item: sunken chest (16.2% chance)*
Whitepants.gifYou acquire an item: swashbuckling pants (11.5% chance)*
You gain 15-16 <substat>.

Occurs at The Obligatory Pirate's Cove.


  • "Diagnosis: Sassy" is a reference to a Saturday Night Live sketch where Phil Hartman hosted a Sassy Magazine talk show with young male celebrities that he considered to be "sassy." Every time one of them said something, he would turn to the camera and say how sassy they were. One of these things said was "Diagnosis: Sassy!"
  • The miss message about the "hoopy frood" refers to the quotation "Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There's a frood who really knows where his towel is," from the book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
  • The fumble message might be a reference to the player Sassylassy (#190031)