Recite 'The Spirit of Crimbo'

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Recite 'The Spirit of Crimbo'

Recite 'The Spirit of Crimbo'

Type: Combat
MP Cost: variable


Source: The Spirit of Crimbo when fighting mutant elves or The Crimbomination
Price: N/A
Class: N/A
Level: N/A
Effect: Ends combat (with no stat gain) and drops an item:
When Used:
  • During the regular Crimbo season:
You unroll the Spirit of Crimbo to a random section and read until your eyes water. It doesn't take long:

<verse>

blah, blah, blah...

The elf twitches and his mutated bits slough off until he's his old merry self again, full of elf-esteem. He wanders off with a smile on his little elf face, and you help yourself to the mutant elf bits he left behind.
  • On the first two uses of the day:
Crabclaw.gifYou acquire an item: twitching claw
Ccskoshe.gifYou acquire an item: pulsing flesh
Carapace.gifYou acquire an item: rigid carapace
  • Otherwise:
Vial.gifYou acquire an item: unstable DNA
You You[sic] try and ignore your shaking hands as you unroll the Spirit of Crimbo scroll. You stutter a bit as you begin reading:

<verse>

A few bits fall off of the Crimbomination, but there are plenty left. It roars with incoherent, blind rage, and you hastily retreat.
  • First use ever:
Dripgland.gifYou acquire an item: throbbing rage gland
  • Second use ever or first two uses of the day:
Carapace.gifYou acquire an item: rigid carapace
or
Crabclaw.gifYou acquire an item: twitching claw
or
Ccskoshe.gifYou acquire an item: pulsing flesh
  • Subsequent uses:
Vial.gifYou acquire an item: unstable DNA


Text of The Spirit of Crimbo

The verses are chosen from the complete text, most of which is reproduced here:

"I can't stand Crimbo!" yelled Swizzle, the elf,
"it's the worst time of year, if I say so myself!"
And his words echoed deep through the space-time continuum
And woke up the Spirit of Crimbo to tend to 'em.
"I'm Rodney, a reindeer, a misfit like you!
Trust me when I say that I hate Crimbo, too!
"Let's have an adventure, just you and just me,
We'll be the very best friends there can be!"
"I must leave Crimbo Town; it's not safe," Swizzle said,
Sassy's eyes filled with tears, so he patted her head.
"Don't worry. Trust no one. I love you. Goodbye."
Swizzle turned and walked out with a tear in his eye.
Swizzle the Elf squinted hard through the blizzard
gripping the ground with his toes, like a lizard.
He saw a strange sight you've not seen, I suppose:
a snowman, blowing his orange carrot nose.
"I'b Sduffy the Sdowmab," the snowman declaimed,
"and briging back your Cribbo Spirit's my aib."
Swizzle the Elf said, "but Crimbo's lost touch,"
"When it was all about giving, I didn't mind much
"But now it's about getting, and I don't like that."
With a swipe of his arm, Snuffy knocked him down flat.
"That's treason you're talking," he said, "so desist
"Or you'll be on the business end of my fists."
"Hi, Swizzle, I'm back!" Rodney Reindeer appeared,
But the look in his eyes was a little bit weird.
"What's wrong, my old friend?" Asked Swizzle, the elf.
"Nothing's wrong! I feel great! I'm in perfect health!
But Swizzle, I think our Crimbo hate was wrong,
"Listen! Snuffy the Snowman will sing you a song."
How could you hate Crimbo?" the snowman opined,
"'Tis a wonderful, magical, funderful time!"
And he pulled out a banjo and strummed out a tune,
And the birds and the squirrels all came near him to croon.
"I just don't like Crimbo! I can't make it more clear!"
Shouted Swizzle the Elf to Rodney Reindeer.
"Well, I suppose we can't reason with you," Rodney said,
"So I must change your mind with a hoof to the head."
"Sassy loves me!' said Swizzle, "Rodney Reindeer, you lie!"
"Do you think so?" Said Rodney, "you're one trusting guy.
"I'm sure you can trust her, I'm sure she's the best,
"But who do you think gave us your new address?
"She's in the next cell, believe me, it's true,
"We'll chat with her when we're finished with you."
"So, you like dentistry, you pathetic young waif?"
Snuffy Snowman smirked "Tell me, then, elf is it safe?"
And he picked up the drill, and it let out a whine,
"Is it safe?" Snuffy said, "I will ask one more time."
"Now how do you feel about Crimbo? The truth!"
Swizzle turned his head slowly, then spat out a tooth.
"I still can't stand Crimbo," he muttered, defiant.
"I don't care what you say, I will not be compliant."
"Very well," said Snuffy the Snowman, enraged,
"Rodney Reindeer! Go get the rats out of the cage."
"No, please, don't do that," Swizzle shouted, "not that!
"I swear, I love Crimbo, please put down that rat!"
And Snuffy the Snowman grinned a cold grin.
I can see that you're almost about to give in,
"But I'm not quite convinced, and besides, this rat's starved.
"Perhaps it could use a nice elf face to carve!"
No! Please, god, no!" shouted Swizzle the Elf.
"Put the rats upon her! Hell, I'll do it myself!"
And as he said that, something broke in his mind,
And his hatred of Crimbo began to unwind.
He collapsed to the floor, babbling like a bimbo,
Tears filled his eyes as he said "I love Crimbo."

Notes

  • MP cost starts at 5 and increases by 5 each time the skill is used. Thus, the skill cost is 5*(N+1), where N is the number of previous casts that day.
  • Rollover and ascension allows you to pick up another 2 parts and resets the MP cost.

References

  • The poem combines plot elements of Nineteen Eighty-Four and the "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" 1964 TV special.
  • The verse that begins: "So, you like dentistry, you pathetic young waif?" is an allusion to the novel and film Marathon Man, in which the antagonist tortures the protagonist by drilling his teeth without anesthetic while continuously asking, "Is it safe?"