Most Extreme Haiku Challenge

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Description

Compose a Haiku in the Haiku Dungeon.

Task

Adventure in The Haiku Dungeon in The Dungeoneers' Association until you receive a haiku challenge map. Remember that haiku are written in 5-7-5 format. The first encounter after using the map, choose the option with 5 syllables; the second encounter, choose the option with 7 syllables; and the third encounter, choose the option with 5 syllables. There are always options with neither 5 nor 7 syllables; these are always wrong.

Note: The three challenges are selected in random order, and not always the same for every player. However, if you fail the challenge once, the challenge will not change again. The first task will have a "You notice a hidden corridor and duck down it." while the others have a "You make your way further down the corridor."

Task A

You find yourself in a narrow hallway with no doors or windows. An ancient man stands in front of you, blocking your way. He holds out his hand and you see a pebble in it. He says:

"Greetings, warrior.

Snatch the pebble from my hand.

I will let you pass."


Distract him and sneak away.

Like a summer breeze

you pass by, unseen by all,

breaking like the wind.

OR

You try to sneak by

but the sensei's eyes are sharp.

He smacks you right down.


Quickly grab the stone.

You snatch the pebble,

owning that old kung-fu dude.

He lets you pass by.

OR

Swift hands have you, sure,

But his are far, far swifter.

Ouch! That really stings!


Kick him square in the shins.

Nice try, genius.

Your kung-fu is pretty weak.

Now you can see stars.


Task B

As you walk along darkened corridors in the haiku dungeon, dragging your fingertips against the walls, you encounter some sort of kung fu dating show. The announcer is a tall man with greasy black hair and a microphone prosthetic instead of one hand. A banner overhead reads; "The Kung Fu Dating Show of Extraordinary Magnitude!" The announcer looks at you and says,

"Choose a ninja, friend.

Make the right choice and advance.

Choose wrong and you're done."

Choose Hung Lo, Large Wang, or Enormous Genitals. Which one will it be?


Give Hung Lo a shot.

Wow, you chose... wisely.

Years of bliss with this ninja?

No, but you may pass.

OR

Man, you chose... poorly.

You get no cool parting gifts,

just a bloody nose.


Large Wang's the one you want.

Why did you choose Wang?

Good as a word processor,

not so good to date.


Try Enormous Genitals.

Single entendre,

but still the announcer smiles.

You get to go on.

OR

Far too crass, that name.

This is a family game.

Your luck, it stops here.

Task C

You trudge down a series of twisty little passages, all alike. As you round a corner, you run smack into the protruding stomach of a pudgy caucasian ninja. He squints at you and whips a greasy ponytail back and forth as he shakes his head.

"You cannot pass me.

Pudgy caucasian ninja.

I will stop you cold,"

he mumbles.

Looks like you'll have to throw down with this dude to get past. Pop quiz, hotshot. What do you do?


Beat him with your weapon.

Your weapon unsheathed,

an epic fight has begun.

Your beatdown is swift.


Kick him in the junk.

Face turns green like Spring,

fat ninja doubles over.

Bye, procreation.

OR

Foot flies at hoevos.

This guy's fast, for a fatty.

Hello, cold stone floor.


Try to bribe him with some Meat.

You cough up spare change,

this ninja has no honor.

He lets you go by.

OR

You offer some Meat.

The ninjas honor impugned!

One big bruise is you.


Task D

While wandering through the haiku dungeon, you stumble into a small room with a couple of tables, some chairs, an EZ-Bake Oven, and some vending machines. Looks like you've found the Monster Break Room, where the monsters come to unwind in between disemboweling adventurers.

You see a samurai shaking one of the vending machines and cursing. He looks over at you.

"Guess which one I want.

Hit the button and get it.

Guess right and you live."

You look at the items in the vending machine. Looks like it sells everything from used leather-studded boxers to cellphones.


Push the button for ramen.

Oh tasty ramen

does not exist, but this stuff

pleases samurai.

OR

"Fool, I hunger not!"

The samurai draws his sword:

proxy seppuku.


Get a tiny plastic zmobie.

Toys for Samurai?

Do not toy with warriors.

Now you have one arm.


Buy the boxer shorts.

Fortified chones.

Samurai forgot his shorts,

you help gird his loins.

OR

Angry samurai:

"I'm not into that weird stuff!"

Decapitation.


Task E

You step into a cavernous round room with a shallow pit in the middle of it. You look up and see spectators on stone steps all around the pit. You step forward and fall into the pit and see a young man drinking out of a bottle with three X's marked on it. His face turns an interesting shade of purple as he drinks. An announcer in a tuxedo steps to the side of the ring and shouts:

"Hail Drunken Master!

Hail our brave new challenger!

Ready to Rumble!"

Looks like you'll have to fight this guy to move forward. How hard can it be, though, to beat up a drunk dude?


Try a roundhouse kick.

You fly through the air,

strike your target in the face.

He greets the pavement.

OR

You leap in the air.

Umm, dude, where's your opponent?

Sharp pain in your groin.


Offer the guy some more booze.

You whip out some rum.

Your grateful opponent drinks,

then passes out cold.

OR

You hand over rum.

Your opponent drinks, flexes,

and hands you your ass.


Focus your chi and Hadoken.

You focus your chi,

grunting with the great effort.

Gas escapes your rear.

Success Text

You have completed the Most Extreme Haiku Dungeon Challenge.

You now have access to the /haiku chat channel. Note that this channel is for haiku only, and is aggressively moderated.

Use forward slashes to insert line breaks in your posts in /haiku.

example: "This is my haiku / I believe it's a good one / but I could be wrong."

Rewards

  • Access to /c haiku
  • You will receive a line in your accomplishments:
You have completed the Most Extreme Haiku Challenge.

References

  • Task B is a reference to the "Fistful of Yen" skit in the 1977 movie The Kentucky Fried Movie.
  • The line "As you walk along darkened corridors" in Task B is likely a reference to the last of a series of songs by They Might Be Giants called Fingertips, which contains only the words "And I walk along darkened corridors".
  • The name of this quest is probably a reference to Spike TV's Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (aka "MXC"), which is an American dub of the Japanese game show Takeshi's Castle.
  • The "pudgy caucasian ninja" in Task C is a reference to the 1997 Chris Farley film Beverly Hills Ninja, while "Pop quiz, hotshot. What do you do?" is a quote from the movie Speed.
  • Task E contains a reference to the 1978 kung-fu movie Drunken Master, starring Jackie Chan.
  • "Break like the Wind" is a song by comedy/metal band Spinal Tap.

Notes

  • Task D uses the phrase "EZ-Bake Oven," instead of the Kingdom's old standard cooking tool, the E-Z Cook Oven™.