Mob Penguin hitman

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Mob Penguin hitman
Monster ID 683
Locations Anywhere, after killing the menacing thug.
Hit Points 90
Attack 75
Defense 67
Initiative 40
Meat 160-240
Phylum penguin
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, leg, torso, wing
Drops
kneecapping stick
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Mob Penguin hitman You're fighting a Mob Penguin hitman

"Hey, you."

You turn around and find yourself confronted by three penguins in long coats and fedoras. The one in front is tapping a kneecapping stick meaningfully in the palm of his... er, wing.

"Umm... something I can do for you guys?" you ask.

"Well, see, we got a problem. Or rather, someone with a lot of meat to spend has a problem, and they gave us some of this meat to deal with this problem. So now you, being the problem in question, have got a problem of your own. Capisce?"

"I think I get the gist, yeah."

Hit Message(s):

The penguin offers to hit you in the knees with a cudgel, and it turns out it's an offer you can't refuse. Argh! Ooh! Ugh! Oof! Eek!

He extols the merits of open-source assassinating systems, demonstrating several flexible, user-designed ways to beat the crap out of you. Ugh! Eek! Ow! Ugh! Argh!

He steps back and lets his penguin thugs play a little chin music on you. Eek! Ugh! Oof! Eek! Ow!

The penguin's cronies hold your arms while he slugs you in the gut a few times. At least he doesn't use real slugs; that would be gross. Ouch! Ow! Ouch! Eek! Ooh!

He leans in close and whispers in your ear. What he says is marginally less terrifying than his herring breath. Ouch! Eek! Ugh! (stench damage)

The penguins treat you to some good old-fashioned mob violence. Get it? "Mob violence"? Oof! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Eek!

Critical Hit Message:

The penguin demonstrates the proper grip and swing for a quality, professional kneecapping. Ooh! Ooh! Argh!

Miss Message(s):

He stops beating on you to take a dandelion break.

The penguin offers to smash your kneecaps for you, and is somewhat surprised when you manage to refuse.

He has to step back and dodge a club-swinging yeti.

Before the penguins can treat you to some good old-fashioned mob violence, you ask if maybe they could treat you to some ice cream instead. They say no, but by then they've missed their turn.

You ask the penguin's cronies what he's paying them, and promise to double it. They think about it a moment, and ask if you offer a 401k. You are forced to admit that you don't, so they decline your offer.

He extols the merits of open-source operating systems. It's a bit of a non-sequitur.

Fumble Message:

The penguin holds up a severed horse head and asks if you'd do him a favor and put it in your bed before you go to sleep tonight. He looks a bit put out when you refuse. (FUMBLE!)


After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 160-240 Meat (average: 200, stdev: 16.73)*
Kneestick.gifYou acquire an item: kneecapping stick

Notes

  • Occur at any adventure.php location, and will only occur after you defeating the menacing thug and reaching at least 60 mainstat.
  • This encounter will reoccur regularly until your mainstat reaches 75, at which point it will be replaced by a higher-level class-specific monster.
  • This monster may be encountered while falling-down drunk.
  • After this enemy is encountered and defeated, the following text appears under Guild Quests:
Me and My Nemesis
So much for those mob penguins that were after your head! If whoever put this hit out on you wants you killed (which, presumably, they do) they'll have to find some much more competent thugs.
  • Or, if you encountered this enemy and fled or got beaten up:
Me and My Nemesis
Whoever put this hit out on you (like you haven't guessed already) has sent Mob Penguins to do their dirty work. Do you know any polar bears you could hire as bodyguards? No? Looks like you're on your own, then.

References

  • This penguin's interest in the open source movement (as applied to both operating systems and assassination) is a reference to Tux, the official mascot of the Linux kernel (the foundation of the most well known family of open-source operating systems).
  • "Dandelion breaks" are a favorite pastime of Opus the Penguin, a main character of Bloom County and various other comic strips by Berkeley Breathed. When overwhelmed by the cruelty, violence, or general unpleasantness of the world around him, the character will declare it time for a "dandelion break" and repair to a peaceful field of dandelions.
  • The penguin's request that you place a severed horse head in your own bed is a rather lazy attempt to reenact an infamous scene from The Godfather.