View source for Mad Hatrack Messages (F-N)

{{NeedsContent|comment=Messages for Hat O Nine Tails}}
The [[Mad Hatrack]] familiar has different functions depending on what [[hats]] it wears.

===F===
*''[[f3d0r4]]:''
{{useitem|item=f3d0r4|text=<Name> points at it and makes a tommy-gun noise. Apparently the delusions are pretty powerful, because it takes X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=f3d0r4|text=<Name> says "you're the ring-a-ding kid," and drops you a wink.|type=combat}}
*''[[fancy ball mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=fancy ball mask|text=<Name> grabs <it> and waltzes with <it>, ending with a series of dizzying spins.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=fancy ball mask|text=<Name> grabs you and does the merengue with you. Sadly, that's the dance, not the pie topping.|type=combat}}
*''[[fancy tophat]]:''
{{useitem|item=fancy tophat|text=<Name> dances in front of your opponent, rendering <it> blue and causing <it> to forget where to go to.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=fancy tophat|text=Dressed up like a million dollar trouper, <Name> doffs his tophat at you jovially.|type=combat}}
*''[[FantasyRealm Warrior's Helm]]:''
{{useitem|item=FantasyRealm Warrior's Helm|text=<Name> giggles and bangs his plastic helmet against your foe, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[FantasyRealm Mage's Hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=FantasyRealm Mage's Hat|text=<Name> utters some nonsense syllables as he jabs your foe in the eye with his pointy hat, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[FantasyRealm Rogue's Mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=FantasyRealm Rogue's Mask|text=<Name> skulks into the shadows, then emerges to hit your opponent for X damage with a blackjack.|type=combat}}
*''[[feathered headdress]]:''
{{useitem|item=feathered headdress|text=<Name> levels an antique rifle at your foe and shoots her for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=feathered headdress|text=<Name> smiles, but also sheds a single tear.|type=combat}}
*''[[festive holiday hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=festive holiday hat|text=<Name> hops back and forth from leg to leg, making the bell on his hat go jingle jangle jingle.|type=combat}}
*''[[fez of etymology]]:''
{{useitem|item=fez of etymology|text=<Name> says "you should know that the word 'fez' was coined when someone asked what ridiculous hat the first fez-wearer was wearing, and the fez-wearer sneezed before he could answer," then winks knowingly.|type=combat}}
*''[[fiberglass fedora]]:''
{{useitem|item=fiberglass fedora|text=<Name> winks as he doffs his hat and screams "MILADY." (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[filter helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=filter helmet|text=You hear muffled giggling coming from inside <Name>'s helmet. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[filthy knitted dread sack]]:''
{{useitem|item=filthy knitted dread sack|text=<Name> says "stop, children, what's that sound?" <He> stops attacking to listen.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=filthy knitted dread sack|text=<Name> smiles a blissed-out smile and says, "have a nice day, man."|type=combat}}
*''[[fire]]:''
{{useitem|item=Fire|text=<Name> says "Fire! Giver of warmth, destroyer of civilizations... my head is on fire!" and headbutts it for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Fire|text=<Name> says "I'm such a hothead, aren't I?" and grins at his joke.|type=combat}}
*''[[fireman's helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=fireman's helmet|text="FIRE! FIRE!" shouts <Name>, as he throws ice at your opponent, dealing {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[fishin' hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=fishin' hat|text=%%|type=combat}}
*''[[flagstone fez]]:''
{{useitem|item=flagstone fez|text=<Name> winks at you, struggling under the weight of his fez.|type=combat}}
*''[[floaty rock helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=floaty rock helmet|text=<Name> hums a soothing mantra at you, making you feel like you've been hit by a mantra ray.|type=combat}} {{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[foam commodore's hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=foam commodore's hat|text=<Name> says"I fully attend to both master and commander you!" and punches it for %dmg{{sic}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[foolscap fool's cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=foolscap fool's cap|text=<Name> says "Prithee, good sir, how many monks doth it take to change a lightbulb? Wait, what's a lightbulb?" and laughs at his own joke.|type=combat}}
*''[[football helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=football helmet|text=<Name> shouts, "Blue 32! Blue 32!" then runs headlong at him, tackling him for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Frosty's old silk hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Frosty's old silk hat|text=<Name> produces a snowball from somewhere, and giggles as it hurls it at your opponent, dealing {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[funny paper hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=funny paper hat|text=<Name> says, "good grief! These strips haven't been funny in years!" and smiles while tipping you a wink.|type=combat}}
*''[[furry green turtle]]:''
{{useitem|item=furry green turtle|text=<Name> shouts "there was a grassy knoll on the second gunman!" <It> stares blankly at <Name>, nonplussed. Or maybe plussed, you're not sure.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=furry green turtle|text=<Name> dances around, pushing an imaginary lawnmower.|type=combat}}
*''[[fuzzy busby]]:''
{{useitem|item=fuzzy busby|text=<Name> stands at attention and tries to look stoic, but also can't stop grinning.|type=combat}}
*''[[fuzzy earmuffs]]:''
{{useitem|item=fuzzy earmuffs|text=<name> wiggles his earmuffs around, tickling himself and grinning.|type=combat}}
*''[[fuzzy montera]]:''
{{useitem|item=fuzzy montera|text=<Name> smiles and cackles with glee as he hops back and forth, dodging a bull only he can see.|type=combat}}

===G===
*''[[gabardine garibaldi]]:''
{{useitem|item=gabardine garibaldi|text=The ghost of Giuseppe Garibaldi stare balefully out from under <Name>'s hat, spooking your foe for {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=gabardine garibaldi|text=<Name> dances an old-timey dance in his old-timey hat.|type=combat}}
*''[[ganger bandana]]:''
{{useitem|item=ganger bandana|text=<Name> rolls your opponent for some additional Meat. Who was it trying to get crazy with, anyway?|type=combat}}
*''[[gasmask]]:''
{{useitem|item=gasmask|text=<Name> shouts "run for your lives! The fishes are trying to gas us!" <It> looks terrified.|type=combat}}
*''[[genie's turbane]]:''
{{useitem|item=genie's turbane|text=<Name> laughs maniacally and shouts "THE POWER!" while blasting your enemy with magical bolts from his turbane for X damage. How come you can't make it do that?|type=combat}}
*''[[ghast iron Garibaldi]]:''
{{useitem|item=ghast iron Garibaldi|text=<Name> flaps around making ghastly and spooky moans, which climax in a ghast-iron headbutt for {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=ghast iron Garibaldi|text=<Name> does a ghastly and ironic dance, swooping around and making ghostly moans.|type=combat}}
*''[[giant discarded bottlecap]]:''
{{useitem|item=giant discarded bottlecap|text=<Name> throws the bottlecap like a giant frisbee, slicing it for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=giant discarded bottlecap|text=<Name> does a wacky little dance, banging on the bottlecap for percussion. He looks a little dizzy afterward, but he looked a little dizzy before, too.|type=combat}}
*''[[giant yellow hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=giant yellow hat|text=<Name> wanders goofily back and forth between you and your opponent. That hat is really, really stupid-looking. It's distracting.|type=combat}} 
{{useitem|item=giant yellow hat|text=<Name> rocks back and forth goofily beneath the yellow hat.|type=combat}}
*''[[gingerbread mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=gingerbread mask|text=<Name> yells "STICK 'EM UP!" and robs your foe of 15 damage worth of blood.|type=combat}} 
*''[[gingerbread tophat]]:''
{{useitem|item=gingerbread tophat|text=<Name> doffs his fancy hat to your foe, and in doing so headbutts it pretty hard.|type=combat}} 
{{useitem|item=gingerbread tophat|text=<Name> dons a monocle and helps you look for additional Meat.|type=combat}} 
*''[[goat beard]]:''
{{useitem|item=goat beard|text=<Name> impersonates a mountain goat, singing a little song about headstones climbing hills. <It> is too nonplussed to attack.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=goat beard|text=<Name> leaps up like a nimble mountain goat, landing on <it> and doing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Goggles of Loathing]]:''
{{useitem|item=Goggles of Loathing|text=<Name> says, "where the hell's your god now!" <it> looks a little freaked out by your hatrack and his crazy googles.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Goggles of Loathing|text=<Name> says, "battlefield surgeons decide who lives and who dies. But they kept calling it murder when I did it," and grins a wicked grin.|type=combat}}
*''[[gold crown]]:''
{{useitem|item=gold crown|text=<Name> explains the concept of ''droit de signeur'' to you. It's informative and relaxing.|type=combat}}
*''[[goofily-plumed helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=goofily-plumed helmet|text=<Name> shouts "I shall defend thy honor, fair windmill!" and jousts <it> for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[googly-ball hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=googly-ball hat|text=<Name> pokes <it> in the eyes with its googly balls. Man, I can hear you snickering. Cut it out.|type=combat}}
*''[[googly-heart hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=googly-heart hat|text=<Name> pokes <it> in the eyes with its googly hearts, making <it> weep and cry and cry and try to sleep.|type=combat}}
*''[[googly-star hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=googly-star hat|text=<Name> pokes <it> in the eyes with its googly stars. My God. They're full of stars. And X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[government-issued eyeshade]]:''
{{useitem|item=government-issued eyeshade|text=<Name> asks to see your opponent's receipts for the last fiscal year. Your opponent gets a panicked look on their face.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=government-issued eyeshade|text=<Name> gives you a bland government-issued grin. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[grass hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=grass hat|text=<Name> disguises himself as a piece of lawn until he gets close, then pops up and shouts "Boo!" He jumps and looks startled.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=grass hat|text=<Name> sniffs the hat, says "this is some really quality grass, man," and grins widely.|type=combat}}
*''[[gravy boat]]:''
{{useitem|item=gravy boat|text="Delicious gravy from the corpses of our enemies!" <Name> shouts, and feeds you some gravy before you realize what's happening.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[Great Wolf's headband]]:''
{{useitem|item=Great Wolf's headband|text=<Name> shouts, "fire in the hole!" and fires a cruise missile at your opponent for X damage. Wow, where did he get that thing?|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Great Wolf's headband|text=<Name> says, "I'm the best around, and nothing's ever gonna keep me down," and grins at you.|type=combat}}
*''[[green cloth cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=green cloth cap|text=<Name> says, "Forsooth and anon, I shall off you forthwith!" And shoots it with an arrow for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=green cloth cap|text=<Name> says, "Unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a Goblin accent!" and smiles widely.|type=combat}}
*''[[green traffic cone]]:''
{{useitem|item=green traffic cone|text=<Name> dances around singing "I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights," over and over, winking crazily.|type=combat}}
*''[[Grimacite gasmask]]:''
{{useitem|item=Grimacite gasmask|text=<Name> stomps around to some industrial music only he can hear. You think you catch him winking at you under the gasmask, but you can't be sure.|type=combat}}
*''[[Grimacite goggles]]:''
{{useitem|item=Grimacite goggles|text=<Name> pilots an imaginary Sopwith Camel, giving you a smile and a wink as he zooms past.|type=combat}}
*''[[grungy bandana]]:''
{{useitem|item=grungy bandana|text=<Name> finds his nest of salt and throws some at <it>, blinding <it>.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=grungy bandana|text=<Name> sings a song about a black hole sun, whatever that is, and his mouth stretches into a creepy, overwide smile.|type=combat}}
*''[[guard turtle shell]]:''
{{useitem|item=guard turtle shell|text=<Name> whips off the shell and flings it at <it>, hitting for X damage. Righteous! Righteous!|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=guard turtle shell|text=<Name> bangs on the shell like a bongo drum, and dances an off-kilter jig while he does.|type=combat}}
*''[[Guzzlr hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Guzzlr hat|text=<Name> pulls a beer out of his hat and pours it on your foe.|type=combat}} {{delevel|att=x|def=y}}
{{useitem|item=Guzzlr hat|text=<Name> pulls a beer out of his hat and shotguns it, grinning at you the entire time. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}

===H===
*''[[Hairpiece On Fire]]:''
{{useitem|item=Hairpiece On Fire|text=<Name> says, "this oughta turn your green around, buddy!" and headbutts your opponent for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hairpiece On Fire|text=<Name> stops, drops, and rolls around in front of your opponent, keeping it from attacking this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[hangman's hood]]:''
{{useitem|item=hangman's hood|text=<Name> ties a noose from some nearby rope and strangles your opponent with it, his freaky hood making it a spooky {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[hardened slime hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=hardened slime hat|text=<Name> breakdances for a bit, the routine ending in a dizzying headspin.|type=combat}}
*''[[hazmat helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=hazmat helmet|text=%%|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=hazmat helmet|text=<Name> staggers around in circles, unable to see clearly through his darkened visor.|type=combat}}
*''[[heavy crown]]:''
{{useitem|item=heavy crown|text=<Name> crownbutts your opponent for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=heavy crown|text=<Name> gazes at you benevolently from beneath the heavy crown.|type=combat}} {{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[Helm of the Scream Emperor]]:''
{{useitem|item=Helm of the Scream Emperor|text=<Name> throws his head back and howls a blood-curdling scream, congealing his blood for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[hemlock helm]]:''
{{useitem|item=hemlock helm|text=<Name> slams his head against your opponent for X damage, screaming "I am Socrates! I am a terrible golfer!"|type=combat}}
*''[[helm of the white knight]]:''
{{useitem|item=helm of the white knight|text=<Name> whinnies, snorts, and charges <it> for X damage. There go you, but for your face.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=helm of the white knight|text=<Name> shouts, "all I know could be defaced by the facts in the life of me!" and grins loonily.|type=combat}}
*''[[helmet turtle]]:''
{{useitem|item=helmet turtle|text=<Name> says "turtle, turtle, turtle, I made you out of clay!" then laughs unsettlingly as he head-butts <it> for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[high-temperature mining mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=high-temperature mining mask|text=<Name> viciously (and given that he can't see, probably accidentally) headbutts your opponent, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Hodgman's porkpie hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Hodgman's porkpie hat|text=<Name> starts yelling about beeswax as he viciously pummels your opponent, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hodgman's porkpie hat|text=<Name> paces in circles muttering to itself.|type=combat}}
*''[[Hollandaise helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=Hollandaise helmet|text=<Name> doesn't forget to enjoy the sauce helmet, nor does he forget to headbutt your opponent for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[honeycap]]:''
{{useitem|item=honeycap|text=<Name> butts his head against your opponent and gets stuck to <it>, preventing <it> from attacking.|type=combat}}
*''[[hot daub bun]]:''
{{useitem|item=hot daub bun|text=<Name> shouts "Hot headed, they said. Hot headed!? I'll show them!" as he shows your opponent {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage worth of hot headbutting.|type=combat}}

===I===
*''[[ice pick]]:''
{{useitem|item=ice pick|text=<Name> busts some phat disco moves, winking as he electric-slides past you. |type=combat}}
*''[[indie comic hipster glasses]]:''
{{useitem|item=indie comic hipster glasses|text=<Name> smiles a strange, crooked smile, looking a little like a homicidal maniac. He winks at you, and you see his pupils have gone square. That's never a good sign.|type=combat}}
*''[[insane tophat]]:''
{{useitem|item=insane tophat|text=<Name> beams from beneath the tophat. "At last!" he cries, "the hat that I was whittled to wear!" He winks at you and goes back to grinning like a lunatic.|type=combat}}
*''[[intimidating coiffure]]:''
{{useitem|item=intimidating coiffure|text=<Name> says, "we belong dead. No, wait, just you." and pokes her with a burning torch for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=intimidating coiffure|text=<Name> waltzes with her while singing, "Ahhh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you." She is too busy dancing to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[insulting hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=insulting hat|text="Hey!" shouts <Name>, and then... well, then he shouts some more stuff, which I'm not going to repeat. Suffice to say it deals {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[invisible bag]]:''
{{useitem|item=invisible bag|text=<Name> does something, but you can't tell what it is.|type=combat}}
*''[[irate sombrero]]:''
{{useitem|item=irate sombrero|text=<Name> tosses the sombrero over it, making it impossible for it to see you to attack.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=irate sombrero|text=<Name> says "eso si, que es," and winks at you.|type=combat}}
*''[[iron helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=iron helmet|text=<Name> shouts "Fush Yoo Mang!" and headbutts it for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=iron helmet|text=<Name> says, "Adventurer! Do the dance of joy!" and busts a move.|type=combat}}
*''[[ironic knit cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=ironic knit cap|text=<Name> strikes an ironically glamorous pose, ignoring the fact that he's totally in your opponent's way.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=ironic knit cap|text=<Name> manages to pull of the feat of looking completely disaffected while smiling.|type=combat}}
*''[[isotophat]]:''
{{useitem|item=isotophat|text=<Name> giggles as he burps in your foe's face, dealing {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Iunion Crown]]:"
{{useitem|item=Iunion Crown|text=<Name> somehow forces the stones of his Iunion crown to briefly hover in a shimmering, multicolored smile. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}

===J===
*''[[Jarlsberg's hat]]:''
<center>Indeterminate</center>
*''[[jewel-eyed wizard hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Jewel-eyed wizard hat|text=<Name> shouts "I can see an elf! An elf with gray eyes!" as he begins casting Magic Missiles in random directions. Some of them hit your opponent, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=jewel-eyed wizard hat|text=<Name> shouts "YOU SHALL NOT PASS! GO! YOU SHALL NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED MEAT!" then giggles maniacally and drops you a wink.|type=combat}}

===K===
*''[[Kentucky-style derby]]:''
{{useitem|item=Kentucky-style derby|text=<Name> rears back and kicks him like a thoroughbred racehorse, dealing X damage. Thank goodness <Name> didn't do anything else like a racehorse.|type=combat}}
*''[[Knob Goblin elite helm]]:''
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin elite helm|text=<Name> dances around in a circle, singing "O-WEE-OH, EEEYOOOOAAH" at the top of his lungs. In other news, hatracks have lungs.|type=combat}}
*''[[Knob Goblin harem veil]]:''
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin harem veil|text=<Name> does a bewitching belly dance. <He> looks simultaneously confused and enticed.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin harem veil|text=<Name> does the dance of the seven veils (minus 6), then drops you a saucy wink.|type=combat}}
*''[[Knob Goblin visor]]:''
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin visor|text=<Name> tells him that he's going to audit his finances, and makes him wait while he makes sure everything adds up.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin visor|text=<Name> says "wow, this is certainly a super visor!" and giggles. Man, he must be crazy to laugh at a pun that lame.|type=combat}}
*''[[knobby helmet turtle]]:''
{{useitem|item=knobby helmet turtle|text=<He> tries to give <Name> a noogie, and seriously hurt themselves on his hat.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=knobby helmet turtle|text=<Name> rhythmically scrapes the knobs on the turtle and dances to the percussive beat he makes|type=combat}}
*''[[KoL Con 3-D Glasses]]:''
{{useitem|item=KoL Con 3-D Glasses|text=<Name> does a dance in eye-popping 3-D! Then he winks at you, after he pops his eye back in.|type=combat}}

===L===
*''[[lava balaclava]]:''
{{useitem|item=lava balaclava|text=<Name> winks at you, and a little puff of smoke emerges from the balaclava as one of his eyelashes gets burned off.|type=combat}}
*''[[leather aviator's cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=leather aviator's cap|text=<Name> runs around in circles making ''Vrooooooooom, rat-tat-tat-tat-tat'' noises, and somehow manages to deal X damage in the process.|type=combat}}
*''[[leather mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=leather mask|text=<Name> says, "lick my boots, worm!" and smacks him with a riding crop for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=leather mask|text=<Name> produces a set of restraints and locks them onto him. It's a little creepy.|type=combat}}
*''[[lemon party hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=lemon party hat|text=<Name> says, "it's a pants party, and you're invited!" Your opponent is too busy declining the invitation to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=lemon party hat|text=<Name> says, "I do love a good party!" and smiles beatifically.|type=combat}}
*''[[Lens of Hatred]]:''
{{useitem|item=Lens of Hatred|text=<Name> says, "I hate you. You and your stupid butt face!" He looks a little demoralized by the insult.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Lens of Hatred|text=<Name> says, "My hatred for you burns as bright, sir, as this torch!" produces a lit torch, and sears him for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Lens of Violence]]:''
{{useitem|item=Lens of Violence|text=<Name> shouts, "are you ready for a little bit of the ol' ultraviolence?" It looks decidedly unready, and even less ready than it was before.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Lens of Violence|text=<Name> does something so incredibly violent that I can't even tell you what it was, only that it did X damage and is illegal in most of the Kingdom.|type=combat}}
*''[[lihc face]]:''
{{useitem|item=lihc face|text=<Name> waves his arms and moans. It shudders and looks weaker.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=lihc face|text=<Name> waves his arms and moans spookily, chasing him and scaring him for {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[linoleum helmet turtle]]:''
{{useitem|item=linoleum helmet turtle|text=<Name> peels off the top layer of linoleum and lets her get a whiff of the glue that holds it on. She recoils and takes a stinky x damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=linoleum helmet turtle|text=<Name> flips upside down and does a headspin on the linoleum helmet. He must have been confused about where the floor was.|type=combat}}
*''[[literal bucket hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=literal bucket hat|text=<Name> grins goofily underneath his bucket.|type=combat}}
*''[[longhaired hippy wig]]:''
{{useitem|item=longhaired hippy wig|text=As your opponent charges, <Name> steps forward and shouts "Casey Jones, you better watch your speed!" It stops in its tracks.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=longhaired hippy wig|text=<Name> says "dude, your chakras are, like, so misaligned," and re-aligns them for you.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[lynyrdskin cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=lynyrdskin cap|text=<Name> says, "a Southern man don't need you around anyhow!" It is too intimidated to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=lynyrdskin cap|text=<Name> says, "I feel as free as a bird in this hat. Probably because I'm not wearing any pants!" and grins like a lunatic.|type=combat}}

===M===
*''[[MAHI fez]]:''
{{useitem|item=MAHI fez|text=<Name> offers it a glass sculpture full of sweet smoke, then gets it drunk and plays poker with it. It's too busy enjoying the hospitality to attack.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=MAHI fez|text=<Name> cranks some interesting lounge music, toasts you, and winks lustily. He clearly groks you in fullness.|type=combat}}
*''[[maiden wig]]:''
{{useitem|item=maiden wig|text=<Name> steps in front of you and curtsies coquettishly. <He> starts flirting with him rather than attacking.|type=combat}}
*''[[makeshift turban]]:''
{{useitem|item=makeshift turban|text=<Name> produces a lasso from somewhere and wraps it around him. "Look, I'm a turban cowboy!" he says.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=makeshift turban|text=<Name> winks at you and says "would you like a Squishee? Stereotypes are funny!"|type=combat}}
*''[[makeshift yakuza mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=makeshift yakuza mask|text=<Name> yells something incomprehensible at your opponent and charges, dealing 5 with his rhinoc-- I mean, yak horns.|type=combat}}
*''[[marble mariachi hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=marble mariachi hat|text=<Name> screams "OLE!" and headbutts your opponent for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[mariachi hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=mariachi hat|text=<Name> dances in circles around your opponent, then smacks it for X damage. Olé!|type=combat}}
*''[[Mark I Steam-Hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mark I Steam-Hat|text=<Name> winks at you and says, "Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga choo-choo!"|type=combat}}
*''[[Mark II Steam-Hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mark II Steam-Hat|text=<Name> winks at you and says, "Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga choo-choo!"|type=combat}}
*''[[Mark III Steam-Hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mark III Steam-Hat|text=<Name> winks at you and says, "Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga choo-choo!"|type=combat}}
*''[[Mark IV Steam-Hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mark IV Steam-Hat|text=<Name> winks at you and says, "Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga choo-choo!"|type=combat}}
*''[[Mark V Steam-Hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mark V Steam-Hat|text=<Name> winks at you and says, "Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga choo-choo!"|type=combat}}
*''[[Mayor Ghost's toupee]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mayor Ghost's toupee|text=<Name> sneaks up behind your opponent and shouts, "BOO!", scaring him for {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Mayor Ghost's toupee|text=<Name> floats around, convinced he's a spooooky ghooooost. He's not, but he does block your opponent from attacking.|type=combat}}
*''[[meat cowboy hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=meat cowboy hat|text=<Name> shouts "yee-haw! Reckon I'm'a have to hog-tie you!" and wraps a rope around <it>, restraining <it> a little.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=meat cowboy hat|text=<Name> says "I wish I knew how to quit you," and winks at you.|type=combat}}
*''[[meatloaf helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=meatloaf helmet|text=<Name> gives her a big lingering hug, whispering "it's okay, you can cry." She cries a little, then looks embarrassed.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=meatloaf helmet|text=<Name> sings a long, bombastic song about the things he wouldn't do for love, while playing some wicked air guitar.|type=combat}}
*''[[meaty helmet turtle]]:''
{{useitem|item=meaty helmet turtle|text=<Name> headbutts <it> for a meaty {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage. It's a little messy.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=meaty helmet turtle|text=<Name> does a little shell-spinning breakdancing. Go hatrack, go hatrack, go!|type=combat}}
*''[[Mer-kin bunwig]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin bunwig|text=<Name> smiles warmly and affixes a gold star sticker to your cheek.|type=combat}}
*''[[Mer-kin facecowl]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin facecowl|text=<Name> speaks in an ancient forbidden tongue. Your foes goes temporarily insane, suffering {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Mer-kin gladiator mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin gladiator mask|text=<Name> Lampshade roars like a lion and kicks dirt in your foe's like a lamb.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
*''[[Mer-kin headguard]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin headguard|text=<Name> howls like a madman (appropriately enough) and repeatedly headbutts your foe, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Mer-kin scholar mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin scholar mask|text=<Name> whispers even crazier secrets than usual to your foe. It blanches, chilled for {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Mer-kin sneakmask]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin sneakmask|text=<Name> sneaks up behind it and delivers a series of painful kicks to its shin.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin sneakmask|text=<Name> does a strange, furtive, shuffling dance.|type=combat}}
*''[[mesh cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=mesh cap|text=<Name> shouts, "who says Nas'Kar ain't a real sport?" and punches them for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=mesh cap|text=<Name> says, "I don't care who you are, that's funny right thar," and gives a cornpone grin.|type=combat}}
*''[[metallic foil cat ears]]:''
{{useitem|item=metallic foil cat ears|text=<Name> slashes it with a clawlike foot, dealing X damage and inflicting X painful splinters.|type=combat}}
*''[[meteortarboard]]:''
{{useitem|item=meteortarboard|text=<Name> grins and cheers and tosses his graduation cap into the air.|type=combat}}
*''[[miming beret]]:''
{{useitem|item=miming beret|text=<Name> tries to mime something, but just ends up doing a kind of weird flaily dance.|type=combat}}
*''[[miner's helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=miner's helmet|text=<Name> mines for a couple of fish, then does the fish-slapping dance with them.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=miner's helmet|text=<Name> shines the light on his helmet at him, blinding him. He looks dazed and confused.|type=combat}}
*''[[mining helmet]]:''
<center>Indeterminate</center>
*''[[Mohawk wig]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mohawk wig|text=You rest while <Name> explains to you how the punk music you like isn't real punk.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Mohawk wig|text=<name> steps in front of <it> and shouts "Oi! Oi! Oi!" <It> is too startled to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[Moonthril Circlet]]:''
{{useitem|item=Moonthril Circlet|text=<Name> says, "You have my bow," and bows deeply, smiling at his pun which only works in written speech, not spoken.|type=combat}}
*''[[moist sailor's cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=moist sailor's cap|text=<Name> wreathes your opponent in rotting seaweed, dealing {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[moose antlers]]:''
{{useitem|item=moose antlers|text=<Name> bellows like a bull moose and charges it, antlering it for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=moose antlers|text=<Name> says, "you know, I'm a particularly naughty moose," and winks at you.|type=combat}}
*''[[muddy pirate hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=muddy pirate hat|text=<Name> does a rousing little pirate jig.|type=combat}}
*''[[mullet wig]]:''
{{useitem|item=mullet wig|text=<Name> steps in front of him and engages him in a rowdy argument about whether or not KWE wrestling is fake.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=mullet wig|text=<Name> teaches you how to line dance. Your heart feels less achy and breaky when he's done.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[mummy costume]]:''
{{useitem|item=mummy costume|text=<Name> marches around the area very, very slowly.|type=combat}}
*''[[mummy mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=mummy mask|text=<Name> wraps up him in some of the bandages from his mask. Bandages, bandages, bandages.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=mummy mask|text=<Name> walks like an Egyptian.|type=combat}}
*''[[murderbot mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=murderbot mask|text=<Name> screams "BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP" as he repeatedly punches your foe, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[mushroom cap]]:''
<center>''No messages''</center>
*''[[muskox-skin cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=muskox-skin cap|text=<Name> bats your foe in the face with the tail of his cap.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=muskox-skin cap|text=<Name> grins and shouts "I'm a pioneer! I'm a pioneer!" (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[mutant crown]]:''
{{useitem|item=mutant crown|text=<Name> gives into the madness and pounces on your foe, gnawing them up for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=mutant crown|text=<Name> celebrates the end of the fight by doing an elaborate and refreshing breakdance routine. {{HP}}{{MP}}|type=combat}}

===N===
*''[[nasty rat mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=nasty rat mask|text=<Name> scampers in front of <her>. <She> climbs up on a chair and shrieks, terrified.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=nasty rat mask|text=<Name> bites her with his nasty rat teeth, doing X nasty damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[neoprene skullcap]]:''
{{useitem|item=neoprene skullcap|text=<Name> says, "I think this is all going swimmingly!" and makes splashing motions at him, which somehow does X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=neoprene skullcap|text=<Name> does a little synchronized swimming routine, unfazed by the lack of water (or a partner with whom to synchronize)|type=combat}}
*''[[no hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=no hat|text=<Name> interrupts your foe to ask her if she likes his hat.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=no hat|text=<Name> beams, proud of his lack of hat. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[noir fedora]]:''
{{useitem|item=noir fedora|text=<Name> tilts the brim of its fedora and gives you a sly wink.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=noir fedora|text="All right, hold it right there, wiseguy!" <Name> snarls. Your opponent doesn't exactly hold it, but they do look surprised and distracted by this.|type=combat}} {{delevel|att=x|def=y}}
*''[[norwhal helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=norwhal helmet|text=<Name> bellows a loud, nonsensical snatch of opera as he impales your foe for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[nurse's hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=nurse's hat|text=<Name> pulls out a syringe and giggles as he injects your opponent full of X damage worth of pain.|type=combat}}

==References==
*The [[filthy knitted dread sack]] message is a reference to [[Wikipedia:Buffalo Springfield|Buffalo Springfield]]'s hit "[[Wikipedia:For What It's Worth (Stephen Stills song)|For What It's Worth]]".
*The [[fire]] message refers to ''[[Wikipedia:Gremlins 2: The New Batch|Gremlins 2]]''.
*The [[foam commodore's hat]] refers to ''[[wikipedia:Master and Commander|Master and Commander]],'' a historical naval novel.
*The [[goofily-plumed helmet]] message refers to the famous windmill-jousting knight, ''[[Wikipedia:Don Quixote|Don Quixote]]'', from the novel of the same name.
*The [[green traffic cone]]'s message is a reference to [[Wikipedia:Monty Python|Monty Python]]'s song "I Like Traffic Lights".
*The [[grungy bandana]] message about the nest of salt refers to the [[Wikipedia:Nirvana (band)|Nirvana]] song "All Apologies".
*The [[grungy bandana]] message refers to the [[Wikipedia:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]] song "Black Hole Sun" which featured suburbanites with twisted expressions in its music video.
*The [[Helm of the white knight]]'s message refers to the [[Wikipedia:They Might Be Giants|They Might Be Giants]] song "Chess Piece Face."
*The [[irate sombrero]]'s post-combat message may refer to an old joke about a Mexican tourist trying to buy socks in an American department store ("Eso si que es" means "That's it" in Spanish, but also sounds like someone spelling the word "socks", "S-O-C-K-S").
*The [[Knob Goblin elite helm]] message refers to the song sung by the Wicked Witch's guards in [[Wikipedia:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|The Wizard of Oz]].
*The [[jewel-eyed wizard hat]] message about an elf with grey eyes is a reference to the "Dungeons & Dragons" sketch by the [[Wikipedia:Dead Alewives|Dead Alewives]]. 
*The [[jewel-eyed wizard hat]]'s second message refers to both Gandalf's confrontation with the Balrog in [[Wikipedia:The Fellowship of the Ring|The Fellowship of the Ring]] and the board game [[Wikipedia:Monopoly (board game)|Monopoly]], where players may be instructed to "Go directly to Jail. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200".
*The [[longhaired hippy wig]] "Casey Jones" message refers to the [[Wikipedia:Grateful Dead|Grateful Dead]] song "[[Wikipedia:Casey Jones (song)|Casey Jones]]".
*The [[MAHI fez]]'s second message is a reference to Robert A. Heinlein's novel [[Wikipedia:Stranger in a Strange Land|Stranger in a Stranger Land]].
*The [[makeshift turban]]'s first message is a reference to the movie ''[[Wikipedia:Urban Cowboy|Urban Cowboy]]''.
*The [[makeshift turban]]'s  second message is a reference to [[Wikipedia:Apu Nahasapeemapetilon|Apu]] from ''[[Wikipedia:The Simpsons|The Simpsons]]''.
*The [[meaty helmet turtle]] message is a reference to ''[[Wikipedia:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze]]'' wherein during a fight scene at a nightclub, [[Wikipedia:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]] breaks into the infamous "Ninja Rap", which features the refrain "Go ninja! Go ninja! Go ninja go!"
*The [[meatloaf helmet]] "it's okay, you can cry" message refers to a line said by the singer/actor Meat Loaf's character Robert "Bob" Paulson in ''[[Wikipedia:Fight Club (film)|Fight Club]]'': "Go ahead, Cornelius, you can cry."
*In addition, the second [[meatloaf helmet]] message deals with the ubiquitous [[Wikipedia:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]] song "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)".
*The second [[mesh cap]] message refers to an oft-repeated line by the stand-up comic [[Wikipedia:Larry the Cable Guy|Larry the Cable Guy]].
*The [[miner's helmet]] message about mining for fish is a reference to a [[Wikipedia: Runescape|Runescape]] meme (as seen in [http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=155 this strip] from VGCats). In addition, "[[Wikipedia:The Fish-Slapping Dance|The Fish-Slapping Dance]]" is a [[Wikipedia:Monty Python|Monty Python]] sketch.
*The [[mummy mask]] messages refer to the [[Wikipedia:Hot Hot Heat|Hot Hot Heat]] song "Bandages" and [[Wikipedia:The Bangles|The Bangles]] song "[[Wikipedia:Walk Like an Egyptian|Walk Like an Egyptian]]".
* The [[googly-star hat]]'s message is a reference to "My god, it's full of stars!", Dave Bowman's final words in Arthur C. Clarke's novel [[Wikipedia: 2001: A Space Odyssey (novel)|2001: A Space Odyssey]].

{{HatrackMessages}}

[[Category:Familiars| {{PAGENAME}}]]