View source for Mad Hatrack Messages (A-E)

The [[Mad Hatrack]] familiar has different functions depending on what [[hats]] it wears.

===4===
*''[[4-dimensional fez]]:''
{{useitem|item=4-dimensional fez|text=<Name> says, "Geronimo!" and leaps at your opponent, landing on him for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=4-dimensional fez|text=<Name> says, "I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool," and winks at you.|type=combat}}

===8===
*''[[8-billed baseball cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=8-billed baseball cap|text=<Name> produces a bottle of Russian Ice and obligates your foe to chug it. She looks a little bleary-eyed after drinking it.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=8-billed baseball cap|text=<Name> says, "come at me, bro! Do you even lift?" Then smiles to show he's joking.|type=combat}}

===A===
*''[[Admiral's hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Admiral's hat|text=<Name> gives you a crisp salute, then delivers some corporal punishment to your opponent, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[aerated diving helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=aerated diving helmet|text=<Name> konks your opponent on the head with his diving helmet, disorienting <it> for a second.|type=combat}}
*''[[aerogel akubra]]:''
{{useitem|item=aerogel akubra|text=<Name> screams "I'm lighter than air! I'M LIGHTER THAN AIR!" as he frolics about.|type=combat}}
*''[[All-Hallow's Steve's fright wig]]:''
{{useitem|item=All-Hallow's Steve's fright wig|text=<Name> screeches with clownish laughter, and your opponent looks upset and disturbed.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=All-Hallow's Steve's fright wig|text=<Name> grins a jagged yellow smile at you. Your stomach hurts.|type=combat}}
*''[[Amoon-Ra Cowtep's nemes]]:''
{{useitem|item=Amoon-Ra Cowtep's nemes|text=%%|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Amoon-Ra Cowtep's nemes|text=<Name> grins beatifically from beneath his pharaoh hat.|type=combat}}
*''[[Ancient Saucehelm]]:''
{{useitem|item=ancient Saucehelm|text=<Name> whips up an invigorating tonic, mumbling "bork bork bork" as he does. You drink it and feel refreshed.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[ancient turtle shell helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=ancient turtle shell helmet|text=<Name> bangs its head against your opponent repeatedly, muttering something about cabbages and dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[anniversary concrete fedora]]:''
{{useitem|item=anniversary concrete fedora|text=<Name> says, "I have three slugs in me. One's made of lead, and two are made of bourbon," and winks at you, smiling at his film noir pastiche.|type=combat}}
*''[[antique helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=antique helmet|text=<Name> blocks <its> way, shouting "None shall pass without my permission!" It takes a while for <it> to figure out they should just ask for permission.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=antique helmet|text=<Name> thinks he's at a costume party, and waltzes around to music only he can hear.|type=combat}}
*''[[antique nutcracker hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=antique nutcracker hat|text=<Name> strikes an intimidating pose in his big fuzzy guard hat.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
*''[[asbestos helmet turtle]]:''
{{useitem|type=combat|item=asbestos helmet turtle|text=<Name> tosses a hot coal (where'd he get that? Crazy thing), onto his helmet, then headbutts <it> for a scorching {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.}}
{{useitem|type=combat|item=asbestos helmet turtle|text=<Name> spins a couple of fire poi as he dances around, occasionally bonking himself on the head with one.}}
*''[[asshat]]:''
{{useitem|item=asshat|text=<Name> headbutts <it> with his butthead, doing {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} stinky damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=asshat|text=<Name> says, "never forget, sir, that I am an ass!" and grins broadly.|type=combat}}
*''[[astral chapeau]]:''
{{useitem|item=astral chapeau|text=<Name> winks at you and says, "you have a, how you say, a certain je ne sais quoi about you," then smiles broadly.|type=combat}}

===B===
*''[[balaclava]]:''
{{useitem|item=balaclava|type=combat|text=<Name> says "back off, eh? Ya hoser," and pelts him with snowballs, doing a frosty X (+{{element|Cold|dmg=X}}) damage.}}
{{useitem|item=balaclava|type=combat|text=<Name> says "wanna share some back bacon, eh?" and winks salaciously.}}
*''[[balloon helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=balloon helmet|text=<Name> does a weird, spastic dance to the accompaniment of the balloon helmet's horrible squeaking. The overall effect is "avant-garde." And disturbing.|type=combat}}
*''[[bark beret]]:''
{{useitem|item=bark beret|text=<Name> steps in front of it and shouts, ''"Mais NON! Make it again!"'' It is too perplexed to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=bark beret|text=<Name> says, "you have that certain ''je ne sais quoi,''" and winks lustily.
|type=combat}}
*''[[Baron von Ratsworth's tophat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Baron von Ratsworth's tophat|text=<Name> pays a high-class geisha girl to give you a rejuvenating massage.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
{{useitem|item=Baron von Ratsworth's tophat|text=<Name> looks down his nose at him (which is impressive, considering hatracks don't have noses) and sniffs dismissively. He is too demoralized to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[barrelhead]]:''
{{useitem|item=barrelhead|text=You think <Name> is smiling from inside the barrel head, but you're not sure. Maybe he's winking?|type=combat}}
*''[[barskin hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=barskin hat|text=<Name> shouts "A bar! It's comin' right for us!" and punches <it> for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=barskin hat|text=<Name> gets a wistful smile on his face. I guess he just remembered the Alamo. And, uh, was fighting on the other side.|type=combat}}
*''[[basic meat fez]]:''
{{useitem|item=basic meat fez|text=<Name> throws his head back so the fez falls off, then says "check it out, I'm a FEZ dispenser!" He laughs maniacally, winking broadly.|type=combat}}
*''[[basic meat helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=basic meat helmet|text=<Name> says, "no, ''you're'' the meathead, meathead! And headbutts her, getting nasty meat-juice all over her for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} nasty damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=basic meat helmet|text=<Name> dances the traditional dance of his people. The hatrack people. Just go with me on this, okay?|type=combat}}
*''[[bat hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=bat hat|text=<Name> pulls it close and bellows "Do I LOOK like a COP?", scaring approximately {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} points of bejeezus out of it.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=bat hat|text=<Name> says "where do I get these wonderful toys?" and smiles broadly.|type=combat}}
*''[[battered old top-hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=battered old top-hat|text=<Name> hops from foot to foot while repeatedly saying "Indubitably!" to nobody in particular.|type=combat}}
*''[[bauxite beret]]:''
{{useitem|item=bauxite beret|text=<Name> gives your opponent a sharp headbutt with his bauxite beret, momentarily stunning them.|type=combat}}
*''[[beer helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=beer helmet|text=<Name> hoses <it> down with cheap beer from the beer helmet. <It> hiccups and staggers a little.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=beer helmet|text=<Name> does The Wave. Apparently he thinks he's watching a football game.|type=combat}}
*''[[beholed bedsheet]]:''
{{useitem|item=beholed bedsheet|type=combat|text=<Name> walks around in circles, making <i>ooooh, oooooooooh</i> noises.}}
*''[[bellhop's hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=bellhop's hat|type=combat|text=<Name> upends a luggage cart all over your opponent. Where did he find that cart?}} {{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=bellhop's hat|type=combat|text=<Name> clears his throat, holds out his hand, and gives you a little extra Meat as a tip.}}
*''[[big bad voodoo mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=big bad voodoo mask|type=combat|text=<Name> produces a doll that looks just like <it>, and sticks in a few pins. <It> looks a little weaker.}}
{{useitem|item=big bad voodoo mask|type=combat|text=<Name> produces a doll that looks just like you, and gives it a refreshing back-and-shoulder rub.}} {{HP}} {{MP}}
*''[[Big Candy's tophat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Big Candy's tophat|type=combat|text="Hagwa doopee," says <Name>. Your opponent stops in his tracks.}}
{{useitem|item=Big Candy's tophat|type=combat|text="Ting cooing koo soo ah," says <name>, handing you some additional Meat.}}
*''[[biker's hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=biker's hat|type=combat|text=<Name> pulls out a motorcycle chain and whips your opponent with it, dealing X damage.}}
*''[[biomechanical crimborg helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=biomechanical crimborg helmet|text=<Name> shouts "there are FOUR lights!" and smacks it four times, doing X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=biomechanical crimborg helmet|text=<Name> says "The Rhumba is ''futile!''" and dances a little fandango to prove his point.|type=combat}}
*''[[black cowboy hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=black cowboy hat|text=<Name> alternates between mooing loudly and trying to tie himself up. He somehow manages to throw some rope over <it>, restraining <it> a little.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=black cowboy hat|text=<Name> says "Candygram for Mongo!" and winks broadly.|type=combat}}
*''[[black helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=black helmet|text=<Name> says "Damn, Gina, this joke so old!" and does a sarcastic Cabbage Patch.|type=combat}}
*''[[blue traffic cone]]:''
{{useitem|item=blue traffic cone|text=<Name> sings about a blue traffic cone with a blue little window, while dancing and winking like a maniac. Maniac. On the floor.|type=combat}}
*''[[bonedanna]]:''
{{useitem|item=bonedanna|text=<Name> produces a motorcycle chain from somewhere and whales on your opponent with it, dealing X damage. Dang.|type=combat}}
*''[[Boris's Helm]]:''
{{useitem|item=Boris's_Helm|text=<Name> unleashes a deafening bellow, charges past your opponent, then runs backwards, dealing X +{{element|Hot|dmg=1}} +{{element|Cold|dmg=1}} +{{element|Stench|dmg=1}} +{{element|Spooky|dmg=1}}  +{{element|Sleaze|dmg=1}} damage with the pointy horns of Boris's Helm.|type=combat}}
*''[[Boris's Helm (askew)]]:''
{{useitem|item=Boris's Helm (askew)|text=<Name> unleashes a deafening bellow, charges past your opponent, then runs backwards, dealing X +{{element|Hot|dmg=1}} +{{element|Cold|dmg=1}} +{{element|Stench|dmg=1}} +{{element|Spooky|dmg=1}}  +{{element|Sleaze|dmg=1}} damage with the backwards horns of Boris's Helm.|type=combat}}
*''[[bounty-hunting helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=bounty-hunting helmet|text=<Name> peers through the helmet's visor and says "Extra items spotted off the port bow, Captain!"|type=combat}}
*''[[bowler]]:''
{{useitem|item=bowler|text=<Name> says "Mrs. Peel, we're needed," and gives you a winking smile. Or a smiling wink. Not sure which.|type=combat}}
*''[[brainwave-controlled unicorn horn]]:''
{{useitem|item=brainwave-controlled unicorn horn|text=<Name> says, "Don't flutter, shy fellow, come over here and get a pinky in your pie!" then he stabs it with the horn for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=brainwave-controlled unicorn horn|text=<Name> says, "Ah, yes, the rarity of an evening with good friends, sipping applejack and watching rainbows dash through the sprinkler on the lawn," and smiles, a twilight sparkle in his eye.|type=combat}}
*''[[BRICKO hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=BRICKO hat|text=<Name>'s hat keeps falling off, so he throws it at your opponent in frustration, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Brimstone Beret]]:''
{{useitem|item=Brimstone Beret|text=<Name> sighs "ah, l'amour est enfer," and smiles wistfully as he winks at you.|type=combat}}
*''[[Brogre bucket hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Brogre bucket hat|text=<Name> shouts, "we can't stay here! It's BAT country!" Your opponent looks a little intimidated.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Brogre bucket hat|text=<Name> says, "gee, Skipper, I guess we're still stuck on this island with these two hot, single girls!" and smiles.|type=combat}}
*''[[brown felt tophat]]:''
{{useitem|item=brown felt tophat|text=<Name> winks at you and says, "I've not felt this good in ages!"|type=combat}}
*''[[brown paper bag mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=brown paper bag mask|text=<Name> dances around, frantically flailing his wooden arms. Hilarious!|type=combat}}
*''[[bubblewrap bottlecap turtleban]]:''
{{useitem|item=bubblewrap bottlecap turtleban|text=<Name> steps between you and it and shouts, "Poof! Whaddayou need. POOF! Whaddayouneed. POOF! What do YOU need." <It's> way too confused to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Bubblewrap bottlecap turtleban|text=<Name> winks at you and says "thank you, come again! Stereotypes are funny!"|type=combat}}
*''[[bugbear beanie]]:''{{useitem|item=bugbear beanie|text=<Name> shouts "Begone, filthy human," then giggles manically as he pummels <it> for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[bum cheek]]:''
{{useitem|item=bum cheek|text=<Name> headbutts him with his butthead, doing {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} stinky damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=bum cheek|text=<Name> says, "never forget, sir, that I am an ass!" and grins broadly.|type=combat}}
*''[[burning paper hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=burning paper hat|text=<Name> runs around screaming wildly, which is not that unusual, except that this time it's because his hat is on fire. Oh hey, here's some meat.|type=combat}}

===C===
*''[[catskin cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=catskin cap|text=<Name> arches his back and hisses at <it>, unnerving <it> a little.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=catskin cap|text=<Name> smiles like the cat who ate the canary.|type=combat}}
*''[[centurion helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=centurion helmet|text=<Name> says, "it's the Ides of March, O Ceasar!" and stabs <him> for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=centurion helmet|text=<Name> flips over and breakdances, brushing the floor with his helmet brush.|type=combat}}
*''[[Cerebral Cloche]]:''
{{useitem|item=Cerebral Cloche|text=<Name> says "check out my sexy cerebellum," and winks brainily.|type=combat}}
*''[[chalk chapeau]]:''
{{useitem|item=chalk chapeau|text=<Name> shakes his head, kicking up a cloud of choking white dust.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
*''[[cheerful antler hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=cheerful antler hat|text=<Name> grins goofily from under the furry antlers on his hat.|type=combat}}
*''[[chef's hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=chef's hat|text=<Name> says "you must make sure your monster is properly tenderized," and viciously pummels <it> for X damage. |type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=chef's hat|text=<Name> says "this recipe calls for a little more meat." Man, that hatrack's crazy. Who would eat money?|type=combat}}
*''[[chrome helmet turtle]]:''
{{useitem|item=chrome helmet turtle|text=<name> headbutts <him> with the cold chrome of his helmet, doing a frosty {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Chrome helmet turtle|text=<name> shakes his booty, using the shiny helmet as a disco ball.|type=combat}}
*''[[clingfilm cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=clingfilm cap|text=<Name> says "let me introduce you to my terrapin, Jetta," and smiles broadly while you pretend to pet an imaginary turtle.|type=combat}}
*''[[Cloaca-Cola helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=Cloaca-Cola helmet|text=<Name> sings that ridiculously catchy song about buying the world a Cloaca, while swaying back and forth to the beat.|type=combat}}
*''[[clockwork hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=clockwork hat|text=<Name> engages in a bit of the old ultraviolence, slashing <it> in the yarbles (if <it> has any yarbles) for X damage.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=clockwork hat|text=<Name> seems to be listening to music, but you can't hear any. "Ah, Ludwig Van," he says, smiling wistfully.|type=combat}}
*''[[clown wig]]:''
{{useitem|item=clown wig|text=<Name> says "I make art until somebody dies!" as he artistically pummels <him> for A +{{element|Hot|dmg=B}} +{{element|Cold|dmg=C}} +{{element|Stench|dmg=D}} +{{element|Spooky|dmg=E}}  +{{element|Sleaze|dmg=F}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=clown wig|text=<Name> holds up a sign that says "Knob 3:16." <She> stops attacking and goes to look up the verse.|type=combat}}
*''[[coconut shell]]:''
{{useitem|item=coconut shell|text=<Name> sings about his lovely bunch of coconuts while doing a seductive (for a hatrack, anyway) hula.|type=combat}}
*''[[Colander of Em-er'il]]:''
{{useitem|item=Colander of Em-er'il|text=<Name> whips you up a refreshing tonic, shouting "BAM!" over and over as he does so. You drink it and feel...well, refreshed.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[cold ninja mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=cold ninja mask|text=<Name> sneaks up behind <it> and pushes a series of pressure points. <It> looks noticeably weaker.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=cold ninja mask|text=<Name> mimes throwing a bunch of frozen shuriken at it. Apparently he's a really good mime, because it takes {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[cold water bottle]]:''
{{useitem|item=cold water bottle|text=<Name> shares his headache with your opponent by clocking he with his ice bag for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=cold water bottle|text=<Name> does a slow, shuffling, hung-over sort of jig. Less a jig and more of a jugh.|type=combat}}
*''[[cool iron helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=cool iron helmet|text=<Name> shouts, "hail fellow, and HEL MET!" and headbutts him for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=cool iron helmet|text=<Name> sings a song about eating a lot of ham, jam, and spam while he kicks up his heels.|type=combat}}
*''[[cornuthaum]]:''
{{useitem|item=cornuthaum|text=<Name> walks up to your fallen foe and kicks it, hoping more loot will drop off of it.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=cornuthaum|text=<Name> polymorphs into a ghuol and attacks it, paralyzing it.|type=combat}}
*''[[corrosive cowl]]:''
{{useitem|item=corrosive cowl|text=<Name> steps in front of your opponent and glares at <it> from beneath the cowl. <It> is frozen in terror.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=corrosive cowl|text=<Name> dances slowly, to a dirge you can't hear.|type=combat}}
*''[[Covers-Your-Head]]:''
{{useitem|item=Covers-Your-Head|text=<Name> says, "phone hoooome, ese," and clocks your opponent with one of those ancient bakelite phones for X damage. Wonder where he got that thing?|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Covers-Your-Head|text=<Name> says, "in space, homes, no one can hear snitches get stitches," and smiles at you.|type=combat}}
*''[[crappy Mer-kin mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=crappy Mer-kin mask|text=<Name> shouts, "don't make me use my slashspear on your sexparts!" Your foe looks genuinely terrified at the prospect.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=crappy Mer-kin mask|text=<Name> shouts, "what's a fire and why does it--what's the word--BURN?" and flicks a lighter, singeing him for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[crêepy mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=crêepy mask|text=<Name> whispers "Hello, Clarice." Your foe shudders and takes {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Crimbo hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Crimbo hat|text=With a wink of his eye and a smile on his head, <Name> lets you know you have nothing to dread.|type=combat}}
*''[[Crown of the Goblin King]]:''
{{useitem|item=Crown of the Goblin King|text=<Name> does the whole "hoodoo/who do?/you do!" routine with it, greatly confusing it.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Crown of the Goblin King|text=You relax and enjoy watching <Name> trying to contact-juggle three glass balls, even though he has no thumbs (or, y'know, any fingers at all).|type=combat}}
{{HP}}
{{MP}}
*''[[Crown of Thrones]]:''
<center>No messages</center>
*''[[crown-shaped beanie]]:''
{{useitem|item=crown-shaped beanie|text=<Name> clumsily hugs your opponent, leaving it a little weirded out.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=crown-shaped beanie|text=<Name> gives you a nice friendly hug. What a pal!|type=combat}}
{{HP}}
{{MP}}
*''[[crumpled felt fedora]]:''
{{useitem|item=crumpled felt fedora|text=<Name> mutters to itself as it makes weird faces at you.|type=combat}}
*''[[cursed eyepatch]]:''
{{useitem|item=cursed eyepatch|text=<Name> shouts, "I'll shiver ye timbers, ye filthy landlubber!" at <her>. <She> looks a little demoralized from the shouting.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=cursed eyepatch|text=<Name> tells <her> a spoooky story of betrayal and murder on the high seas, terrifying <her> for {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}

===D===
*[[Daylight Shavings Helmet]]:
{{useitem|item=Daylight Shavings Helmet|text=Your foe briefly recoils from your helmet's whirling razors.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Daylight Shavings Helmet|text=The blade-tipped arms of your helmet swing around in a little victory dance.|type=combat}}
*''[[demon-horned hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=demon-horned hat|text=<Name> tosses <him> high into the air with his demon horns, dealing a demonic {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=demon-horned hat|text=<Name> says, "you know, hell is other people. Other ''demon'' people," and winks.|type=combat}}
* ''[[depleted Grimacite ninja mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=depleted Grimacite ninja mask|text=<Name> sneaks up behind him and and knocks him down with a vicious headbutt.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=depleted Grimacite ninja mask|text=<Name> says, "go ninja, go ninja, go!" and does a series of rhythmic backflips.|type=combat}}
*''[[dice-print do-rag]]:''
{{useitem|item=dice-print do-rag|text=<Name> winks and leans against a nearby car, trying to look cool and failing.|type=combat}}
*''[[dilapidated wizard hat]]:''
<center>No messages</center>
*''[[Dinsey mascot mask]]:''
<center>No messages</center>
*''[[Dinsey's brain]]:''
{{useitem|item=Dinsey's brain|text=<Name> dances around like a magically animated broom, sweeping your opponent for 26 damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Dinsey's brain|text=<Name> smiles wistfully as he absorbs some of Wart Dinsey's happier memories.|type=combat}}
*''[[Disco 'Fro Pick]]:''
{{useitem|item=Disco 'Fro Pick|text=<Name> calls on some disco mojo to replenish you after your battle. Crazy as it sounds, it seems to work -- you'll be stayin' alive a while longer.|type=combat}} {{HP}} {{MP}}
*''[[disco mask]]:''
{{useitem|item=disco mask|text=<Name> busts some funky disco moves. It doesn't look like he's trying to attack, per se, but he accidentally hits it for 1 damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Dolph Bossin's Crimbo hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=Dolph Bossin's Crimbo hat||type=combat|text=<Name> twirls his head around madly, flicking some freezing water onto your foe and dealing {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.}}
{{useitem|item=Dolph Bossin's Crimbo hat|text=<Name> beams an unhinged Crimbo grin at you.|type=combat}}{{HP}} {{MP}}
*''[[Dolphin King's crown]]:''
{{useitem|item=Dolphin King's crown||type=combat|text=You relax as <Name> regales you with a rejuvenating tale of the epic battle between the dolphins and the squirrels.}} {{HP}} {{MP}}
{{useitem|item=Dolphin King's crown|text=<Name> says "what does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows!" and lets loose a high-pitched squeak. Your opponent writhes in pain, taking 22 damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[double-ice cap]]:''
{{useitem|item=double-ice cap||type=combat|text=<Name> shouts "Stop! Collaborate, and listen!" It stops attacking and tries to creatively work with you while listening to your input. It leaves it too busy to attack this round.}}
{{useitem|item=double-ice cap|text=<Name> says, "we outta here. Word to your mutha," and does a kind of sideways shuffling dance.|type=combat}}
*''[[draggin' ball hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=draggin' ball hat|text=<Name> gestures like he's releasing an energy blast. He doesn't, but the gesture whacks him for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=draggin' ball hat|text=<Name> says "I see you're aligned with Goku," and smiles benevolently.|type=combat}}
*''[[dreadful fedora]]:''
{{useitem|item=dreadful fedora|text=<Name> shouts, "Welcome to prime-time, bitch," scaring him for {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=dreadful fedora|text=<Name> says, "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy," and winks salaciously.|type=combat}}
*''[[driftwood hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=driftwood hat|text=<Name> headbutts your opponent -- or rather hatbutts them, making a hollow clonk and X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[duct tape fedora]]:''
{{useitem|item=duct tape fedora|text=<Name> shouts at it, "I think I figured it out. You didn't want me to solve this case. You just wanted a patsy to take the fall for you!" It looks confused and a little guilty.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=duct tape fedora|text=<Name> shakes his head. "It's Chinatown, Jake," he says, winking grotesquely.|type=combat}}
*''[[dwarvish war helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=dwarvish war helmet|text=<Name> shouts "nobody tosses a dwarf!" and thwacks <him/her/it> for X damage. Wait, what?|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=dwarvish war helmet|text=<Name> sings a dwarvish battle hymn and does a traditional dwarvish dance. <Name>, do the dance of joy!|type=combat}}
*''[[Dyspepsi-Cola helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=Dyspepsi-Cola helmet|text=<Name> spins around, grabs his crotch (er, grabs where the hatrack's legs join the body) and moonwalks a little.|type=combat}}

===E===
*''[[eelskin hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=eelskin hat|text=<Name> headbutts it with shocking results. Because seeing a hatrack deal X damage is pretty shocking to you.|type=combat}}
*''[[El Sombrero De Lopez]]:''
{{useitem|item=El Sombrero De Lopez|text=<Name> shows you how to fall asleep against a cactus so that the needles give you free acupuncture. You take a nap and feel refreshed.|type=combat}} {{HP}} {{MP}}
*''[[El Vibrato helmet]]:''
{{useitem|item=El Vibrato helmet|text=<Name> shouts "Why so blue, blue face?" and blinds <it> with the helmet's blue light. <it> staggers around, unable to see you.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=El Vibrato helmet|text=<Name> sings "I'm blue, ba da bee da doo ba," while dancing around erratically. Clearly, he's off his trolley.|type=combat}}
*''[[Elder Turtle Shell]]:''
{{useitem|item=Elder Turtle Shell|text=<Name> says "not that it matters...nothing matters," and sneezes all over you. You take a few minutes to clean yourself off, and feel better when you're done.|type=combat}} {{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[eldritch hat]]:''
{{useitem|item=eldritch hat|text=<Name> smiles, unless maybe that's a sort of rictus grin? I guess that still counts as a smile.|type=combat}}
*''[[eldritch scanner]]:''
{{useitem|item=eldritch scanner|text=<Name> beeps and boops and ray zaps your foe, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
*''[[electrician's hardhat]]:''
{{useitem|item=electrician's hardhat|text=<Name> cackles madly and delivers a vicious headbutt to your foe, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[enchanted eyepatch]]:''
{{useitem|item=enchanted eyepatch|text=<Name> stalks up to her and hands her the dreaded Black Spot. She shivers and looks terrified.|type=combat}}
*''[[enchantlers]]:''
{{useitem|item=enchantlers|text=<Name> snorts, paws the ground, and charges <it>, ramming <it> for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=enchantlers|text=<Name> says "there are those who call me...<Name>," and winks knowingly.|type=combat}}
*''[[extra-large palm-frond toupee]]:''
{{useitem|item=extra-large palm-frond toupee|text=<Name> holds out his toupee and says "with fronds like these, who needs enemies?" He agrees, at least for this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=extra-large palm-frond toupee|text=<Name> says " Spaaaaaalding...Spaa aaalding, what're we gonna do now, Spalding?" and grins widely.|type=combat}}
*''[[eXtreme scarf]]:''
{{useitem|item=eXtreme scarf|text=<Name> wraps the scarf around him, then pulls one end, spinning him like a good publicist. He looks pretty dizzy when they finally wind down.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=eXtreme scarf|text=<Name> throttles him with the scarf, dealing X damage while shouting "tell me what you know! Who are you working for?"|type=combat}}
*''[[eyepatch]]:''
{{useitem|item=eyepatch|text=<Name> lets loose a menacing "Arrrrrr!" at them. They look suitably intimidarrrted.|type=combat}}

==References==
*The [[4-dimensional fez]] message refers to the ''[[Wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]'' episode "The Big Bang."
*The [[Ancient Saucehelm]] message refers to the Swedish Chef on ''[[Wikipedia:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''.
*The [[Anniversary concrete fedora]] message refers to a ''[[Wikipedia:Calvin and Hobbes|Calvin and Hobbes]]'' strip, in which Tracer Bullet, an alter-ego of Calvin's, states that he has "eight slugs in him: one's lead, the rest are bourbon"
*The [[antique helmet]] message is a reference to the movie ''[[Wikipedia:Labyrinth (film)|Labyrinth]]'', specifically to the part where Sir Didymus is blocking the path through the Bog of Eternal Stench.  He tells the party that "None shall pass without MY permission!"  After some discussion, Sarah simply asks him "well may we pass?"  Satisfied, Didymus joins their crusade.
*The [[asshat]] has a reference to William Shakespeare's "Much Ado about Nothing" where the Sheriff, Dogberry, after being insulted by a prisoner wants no one to forget that he is an Ass.
*The [[balaclava]] message is a reference to the characters Bob & Doug McKenzie of the show ''[[Wikipedia:Second City Television|SCTV]]'' and movie ''[[Wikipedia:Strange Brew|Strange Brew]]''.
*The [[balloon helmet]] message is a reference to Yoko Ono and her "avant-garde" singing.
*The [[barskin hat]] message refers to an episode of ''[[Wikipedia:South Park|South Park]]'', where the boys learn that you can shoot protected wildlife if you're attacked and "protecting" yourself.
*The [[barskin hat]]'s second message refers to [[Wikipedia:Davy Crockett|Davy Crockett]] who fought and (died) in [[Wikipedia:Battle of the Alamo|the Alamo]] and was said to have worn a coonskin cap.
*The [[bat hat]] messages refer to the movies ''[[Wikipedia:Batman (1989 film)|Batman]]'', where the Joker says "Where does he get all those wonderful toys?", and ''[[Wikipedia:Batman Begins|Batman Begins]]'', where Batman says to Detective Flass, while hanging upside down from a grappling hook, "DO I LOOK LIKE A COP?!"
*The [[biomechanical crimborg helmet]] reference is to a ''[[Wikipedia:Star Trek: The Next Generation|Star Trek: The Next Generation]]'' episode where a Cardassian interrogator is trying to break Picard by making him see five lights (when there were four).
*The [[black cowboy hat]] message "Candygram for Mongo" refers to the comedy western ''[[Wikipedia:Blazing Saddles|Blazing Saddles]]''.
*The [[black helmet]] message refers to Martin Lawrence's show ''[[Wikipedia:Martin (TV series)|Martin]]'' and his movie ''[[Wikipedia:Black Knight (film)|Black Knight]]''.
*The [[blue traffic cone]] message refers to both [[Wikipedia: Eiffel 65| Eiffel 65]]'s song "Blue" ("...about a blue house with a blue window") and [[Wikipedia:Michael Sembello|Michael Sembello]]'s hit song "[[Wikipedia:Maniac (song)|Maniac]]". 
*The [[bowler]] message refers to the TV show ''[[Wikipedia:The Avengers (TV series)|The Avengers]]''.
*The [[brainwave-controlled unicorn horn]] messages refer to ''[[Wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Pony]]''.
*The [[Brimstone Beret]] message "l'amour est enfer" is almost French for "love is hell".
*The [[bubblewrap bottlecap turtleban]] message refers to the genie in Disney's movie ''[[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|Aladdin]]''.
*The [[bum cheek]] message refers to a line in Shakespeare's ''[[Wikipedia:Much Ado About Nothing|Much Ado About Nothing]]'': "But masters, remember that I am an ass, though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass."
*The [[clingfilm cap]] message is a reference to Ulrich Haarbürste's fetishist stories about [http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/karl.htm Roy Orbison wrapped in clingfilm].
*The [[clockwork hat]] message refers to [[Wikipedia:Ludwig van Beethoven|Beethoven]] and that he went deaf, but still composed music, as well as referring to how Alex from ''[[Wikipedia:A Clockwork Orange|A Clockwork Orange]]'' refers to Beethoven.
*The [[clown wig]] message is also a quote from the Joker in the 1989 ''[[Wikipedia:Batman (1989 film)|Batman]]'' movie.
*The [[coconut shell]] message refers to the song "[[Wikipedia:I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts|I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts]]", written in 1944 and performed by [[Wikipedia:Monty Python|Monty Python]], among many others.
*The [[Colander of Em-er'il]] message refers to [[Wikipedia:Emeril Lagasse|Emeril Lagasse]]'s catch phrase "Bam!"
*The [[cornuthaum]] messages, like the cornuthaum itself, refer to [[Wikipedia:Nethack|Nethack]].
*The [[Crimbo hat]] message refers to the poem "[[Wikipedia:A Visit from St. Nicholas|A Visit from St. Nicholas]]" by Clement C. Moore.
*The [[Crown of the Goblin King]] messages both refer to the movie Labyrinth, which features David Bowie as the Goblin King.
*The [[demon-horned hat]] end of combat message quotes a well-known line from Jean-Paul Sartre's [[Wikipedia:Huis Clos|''Huis Clos'']] (No Exit): "Hell is other people" (''l'enfer, c'est les autres'').
*The [[depleted Grimacite ninja mask]] message is a reference to a [[Wikipedia:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]] rap from the movie ''[[Wikipedia:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2]]''.
*The [[Disco 'Fro Pick]] has a reference to the classic disco hit "[[Wikipedia:Stayin' Alive|Stayin' Alive]]".
*The [[Dolphin King's crown]] message "what does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows!" is a reference to the movie ''[[Wikipedia:Hudson Hawk|Hudson Hawk]]''.
*The [[duct tape fedora]] messages are all references to [[Wikipedia:film noir|film noir]] movies. The second one is ''[[Wikipedia:Chinatown (film)|Chinatown]]''.
*The [[dwarvish war helmet]] combat message is what Gimli tells Aragorn in ''[[Wikipedia:The Lord of the Rings:The Fellowship of the Rings|The Fellowship of the Rings]]''.
*The [[dwarvish war helmet]] end of combat message references the dance of joy predominantly featured on ''[[Wikipedia:Perfect Strangers|Perfect Strangers]]''.
*The [[Dyspepsi-Cola helmet]] message is a reference to [[Wikipedia:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]], who starred in a number of Pepsi commercials.
*The [[El Vibrato helmet]] message is a reference to [[Wikipedia:Eiffel 65|Eiffel 65]]'s song "Blue".
*The [[Elder Turtle Shell]] message is a reference to Morla, the Ancient One from ''[[Wikipedia:The Neverending Story|The Neverending Story]]''.
*The [[enchanted eyepatch]]'s message refers to a few scenes in ''[[Wikipedia:Treasure Island|Treasure Island]]'' by [[Wikipedia:Robert Louis Stevenson|Robert Louis Stevenson]].
*The [[enchantlers]] message, just like the hat itself, is a direct reference to Tim, from ''[[Wikipedia:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|Monty Python and the Holy Grail]]''.
*The [[extra-large palm-frond toupee]] message about "Spalding" refers to the movie ''[[Wikipedia:Cast Away|Cast Away]]''.  It may also contain a subtle hint that you cannot name your [[Blood-Faced Volleyball|volleyball]] familiar "Wilson".


{{HatrackMessages}}

[[Category:Familiars| {{PAGENAME}}]]