View source for Fancypants Scarecrow Messages (P-Z)

The [[Fancypants Scarecrow]] familiar has different functions depending on what [[pants]] it wears.

===P===
*''[[pair of plants]]:''
{{useitem|item=pair of plants|text=<Name> says, "beware, blackguard! These blooming bloomers may smell like roses, but they have their thorns!" and scratches it for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=pair of plants|text=<Name>says, "you know, when father hired a ballet troupe to perform at my seventh birthday party, the men wore pants just like this. I'll never forget the dance they did--such athleticism!" he gives you a sample, twirling and leaping.|type=combat}}
*''[[palm-frond capris]]:''
{{useitem|item=palm-frond capris|text="Did I ever tell you of my travels to the distant tropic lands, searching for spices and cheap labor to make mixed drinks by my pool?" <Familiar> says. You kick back for a few minutes while he tells the story.{{HP}}{{MP}}|type=combat}}
*''[[Pantaloons of Hatred]]:''
{{useitem|item=Pantaloons of Hatred|text=<Name> says, "when Father was amongst the indigenous tribes of the Congo, they taught him how to focus his hate into a scorching beam. Like this!" and immolates him for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Pantaloons of Hatred|text=<Name> says, "you know, old man, the hatred coming off of these pantaloons really warms my soul. And my straw-stuffed buttocks!" and grins at you. |type=combat}}
*''[[pantogram pants]]''
{{useitem|item=pantogram pants|text="Beware, monster!" <Name> shouts. "Beware the demonic power of my pants!" You opponent doesn't seem to know what to make of this.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=pantogram pants|text="Ahh, demonic pants!" <Name> says. "How wonderfully nostalgic! Don't ask!"|type=combat}}
*''[[Pantsgiving]]:''
{{useitem|item=Pantsgiving|text=<Name> says, "Elastic waistband? What <i>is</i> the world coming too{{sic}}?" <He> stops and ponders the question, thereby not attacking this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[pants of the Slug Lord]]:''
{{useitem|item=pants of the Slug Lord|text="These trousers may not carry the stench of the common man upon them, but they certainly do smell like something that's been sitting in a septic tank for years," <Name> says. "Do you not smell that, you blackguard?" He kicks your opponent with one fetid leg, for {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=pants of the Slug Lord|text="I shall not be subjected to this ignominy anymore!" <Name> fumes. "Forced to wear the pants of a common garden slug!" "Oh, no," you reply, "he was the Slug Lord. Royalty." "Ah, that's better then," <Name> says, while your opponent looks on, confused.|type=combat}}
*''[[paper-plate-mail pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=paper-plate-mail pants|text="What are these trousers made of?" sniffs <Name>. "Paper plates," you reply. "People eat off of ''paper''?" he cries, aghast. "Don't tell me the porcelain mines have run dry! My stock portfolio will be ''ruined''!" Your opponent observes this exchange with a puzzled expression.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=paper-plate-mail pants|text=<Name> lights a 200-meat promissory note on fire, uses that to light one leg of the pants, and uses that to burn <him> for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[paperclip pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=paperclip pants|text="What are these little metal things you've fashioned these trousers from?" asks <Name>. "You've never seen a paperclip before?" you reply. "What do you use to hold multi-page documents together?" "Servants." Your opponent appears somewhat nonplussed.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=paperclip pants|text="I say, I think I understand how these 'paper-clip' things are meant to work, now," <Name> says. Then he untwists one of the paperclips and pokes <him> with it for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Papier-mâchuridars]]:''
{{useitem|item=Papier-mâchuridars|text=<Name> says, "I say, these rather remind me of the tights I wore to the annual Snooty Cotillion," and demonstrates one of his snooty aristocratic dances.|type=combat}}
*''[[paraffin palazzos]]:''
{{useitem|item=paraffin palazzos|text=In his stiff wax pants, <Name> staggers clumsily between you and your foe.|type=combat}}
*''[[parasitic tentacles]]:''
{{useitem|item=Parasitic tentacles|text="I say, I am unaccustomed to ''squelching'' my legs into a hideous writhing mass of tentacles," <Name> says, frowning haughtily. "It's really making me want to do the most frightful things to this creature you're fighting." It looks a little worried.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=parasitic tentacles|text="If I am to wear this hideous creature as a garment," <Name> says, "I might as well make the most of it." The he leaps on it and strangles it with his suckers for {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[penguin shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=penguin shorts|text=<Name> slides over to <him> and penguin-slaps <him> for a frosty {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=penguin shorts|text="I feel like I'm a giant wearing a tuxedo meant for normal-sized man," <Name> says. "Speaking of which, did I tell you about my adventures in my dirigible far above the Kingdom, in the land of the giants?" You sit back and relax for the story, and feel refreshed when it's over.{{HP}}{{MP}}|type=combat}}
*''[[penguinskin mini-kilt]]:''
{{useitem|item=penguinskin mini-kilt|text=<Name> butt-bumps <him> for {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=penguinskin mini-kilt|text=<Name> dances a shivery little jig. "How on earth do those well-dressed little blighters keep warm with only this much to wear?" he complains.|type=combat}}
*''[[penguinskin mini-skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=penguinskin mini-skirt|text=<Name> butt-bumps <him> for {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=penguinskin mini-skirt|text=<Name> dances a shivery little jig. "A tuxedo for one's nether regions is a capital idea, <Player>, but I could do with something a bit warmer, eh what?"|type=combat}}
*''[[pig-iron shinguards]]:''
{{useitem|item=pig-iron shinguards|text="For Lady Pancetta and the glory of House Bayonne, I slay thee!" <Name> shouts. "...Oh, excuse me. These greaves have rather run away with me, it seems. So to speak." Your opponent plainly has no idea how to react to this.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=pig-iron shinguards|text="These lovely shinguards remind me of the ceremonial armor the Pork Elves wore to fancy-dress balls," <Name> says. "Allow me to demonstrate one of their courtly dances."|type=combat}}
*''[[pin-stripe slacks]]:''
{{useitem|item=pin-stripe slacks|text=<Name> says, "I regret to inform you that your application to be a formidable foe has been rejected. Do try again once you're not so pathetic." <He> is too stunned by the news to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=pin-stripe slacks|text=<Name> says, "When I'm wearing these pants, I feel like I'm relaxing in a corporate jet on the way to a hostile takeover," and grins wistfully.|type=combat}}
*''[[pink pinkslip slip]]:''
{{useitem|item=pink pinkslip slip|text=	"I'm sorry, but your services will no longer be required," <Name> says. "Please clean out your desk." Your opponent turns away, downcast.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=pink pinkslip slip|text=<Name> grins broadly, remembering all the servants and lackeys he's had the pleasure of firing over the years.|type=combat}}
*''[[pixel pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=pixel pants|text=<Name> leaps into the air and stomps on <him> for '''X''' damage. "This is the most fun I've had since father filled that swimming pool with hamsters and let me dive in!" he shouts.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=pixel pants|text=<Name> says, "I say, these trousers make me want to smash bricks with my head! But I daresay that would hurt quite a bit. I'll have to use someone else's head, I suppose. You there! Want to make a quick five meat?" Your opponent backs away slowly.|type=combat}}
*''[[plaid skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=plaid skirt|text=<Name> says, "this skirt reminds me of the kilts the mercenaries that father hired wore. You there! I'll slit yer throat fer a handful o' haggis!" Your opponent is too intimidated to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=plaid skirt|text=<Name> says, "I daresay I cut a rather dashing figure in this skirt, don't you think? It reminds me of the cotillions mother used to throw, and she would soon be in her cups and dancing the night away!" he sways back and forth, remembering.|type=combat}}
*''[[plexiglass pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=plexiglass pants|text="You know, old bean, if you're that dead set on alliteration, you could just as easily have called them 'transparent trousers,'" <Name> says, tipping you a wink and a smile.|type=combat}}
*''[[polyester pettipants]]:''
{{useitem|item=polyester pettipants|text=<Name> twirls, smacking your opponent with the folds of his pettipants.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=polyester pettipants|text=<Name> swishes around in his fancy pettipants.|type=combat}}
*''[[poodle skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=poodle skirt|text="I say," <Name> says, "I'm somewhat unaccustomed to having such a free range of motion in my legs. Why, I'll bet I could kick that blackguard right in <his> head!" He demonstrates, doing '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=poodle skirt|text=<Name> kicks off his shoes and starts dancing the twist. "I say, what fun! They never had 'sock hopping' back at the preparatory academy, you know."|type=combat}}
*''[[porcelain plus-fours]]:''
{{useitem|item=porcelain plus-fours|text=|type=combat}}
*''[[pottery training pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=pottery training pants|text="Everyone is always asking me if I'd like a little fire," <Name> complains, "so I've decided to turn the tables. How about a bit of flaming-hot hip-bump, you blackguard?" and he hits <him> for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=pottery training pants|text="This isn't the first time I've had flaming hot pottery on my crotch," <Name> says, "not by any stretch of the imagination! Why, when I was among the crotch-pot-cooking pygmies of the Ebayan Basin, I . . ." You relax and take a little nap while he tells the story.{{HP}}{{MP}}|type=combat}}
*''[[psychic's pslacks]]:''
{{useitem|item=psychic's pslacks|text=<Name> predicts the future location of your opponent's butt, and delivers a kick to that location for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[pteruges]]:''
{{useitem|item=pteruges|text=<Name> says, "this outfit rather reminds me of when Father made the servants fight to the death for our amusement," and stabs <her> for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=pteruges|text=<Name> says, "regardless of how gladiatorial this garb is, it really does look smashing when one twirls like this, doesn't it?" and does a pirouette.|type=combat}}
*''[[purpleheart "pants"]]:''
{{useitem|item=purpleheart "pants"|text=<Name> staggers around clumsily in his wooden "pants." He blunders into your foe, dealing X damage|type=combat}}
*''[[pygmy briefs]]:''
{{useitem|item=pygmy briefs|text=Your <opponent> object(s) to <Name> hitting <him> for '''X''' damage, but the objection is overruled.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=pygmy briefs|text= %familiar%{{sic}} smiles a very self-satisfied smile about the outcome of this case.}}

===R===
*''[[Radio Free Pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Radio Free Pants|text="Did I ever tell you of the pirate radio station I ran at the preparatory academy?" <Name> says. "It was mostly reading out names of which boys had practiced kissing on one another. Really sticking it to the man, we were." He smiles wistfully, winks heartily, and you feel refreshed.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[ratskin pajama pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=ratskin pajama pants|text=<Name> yawns and lazily kicks at your opponent, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[red silk skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=red silk skirt|text=<Name> says, "I do find a nice, light skirt is a fashionable but sensible choice for combat. You have such range of motion! Observe!" and he kicks her for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=red silk skirt|text=<Name> says, "ah, yes, I wore a similar skirt to the Genderswap Cotillion at the Country Club," and cuts a rug for you. Then he dances a little.|type=combat}}
*''[[rusty metal greaves]]:''
{{useitem|item=rusty metal greaves|text="Hold this knave still, <PlayerName>," <Name> grins. "I'll put the old boot in, and give the cur a nasty dose of tetanus." Your opponent doesn't seem pleased by this idea.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=rusty metal greaves|text="Let's see how you like a taste of the ol' lockjaw, you scoundrel!" <Name> shouts, kneeing <him> for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}

===S===
*''[[saffron antaravasaka]]
{{useitem|item=saffron antaravasaka|text=The wind blows up <Name>'s robe, and your opponent hastily averts their eyes.|type=combat}}
*''[[scale-mail underwear]]
{{useitem|item=scale-mail underwear|text=<Name> says, "there's nothing quite like the rough, homespun comfort of knitted undergarments," and smiles beatifically.|type=combat}}
*''[[sea chaps]]:''
{{useitem|item=sea chaps|text=<Name> says, "gaze upon my magnificent straw-stuffed buttocks, peasant, and despair!" He seems a little demoralized by the mooning.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=sea chaps|text=<Name> says, "I say, the ranchhands who worked at father's villa, when we made them fight for our entertainment, would do moves like ''this''!" and kicks him for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[sealhide leggings]]:''
{{useitem|item=sealhide leggings|text="I'm practically freezing my nadgers off in these trousers!" <Name> complains. "They've got a lot of that arctic chill in them, still. Here, feel this," he says, kicking your opponents for {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=sealhide leggings|text="I'm afraid, blackguards, that when you chose to attack me and my servant here, your fate was . . . ''sealed''."<br/><br/>"That's a terrible pun, and I'm not your servant," you argue, while your opponents are too nonplussed to attack.|type=combat}}
*''[[servo-assisted exo-pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=servo-assisted exo-pants|text=<Name> stifles a laugh as he grimaces at the unwieldy pants you've put on him.|type=combat}}
*''[[slime waders]]:''
{{useitem|item=slime waders|text="Ugh," <Name> says with no small measure of disgust. "Well, if I must wear this filth, then so must everyone else." He kicks his legs and splashes slime all over your opponent.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=slime waders|text=<Name> still looks very upset about having to wear those disgusting slime waders, but he manages so force out a grin anyway. Stiff upper lip and all that. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[slime-covered greaves]]:''
{{useitem|item=slime-covered greaves|text="Well, you might as well go ahead and splash this wretched creature's viscerae all about the place," <Name> sniffs. "It isn't likely to be any more disgusting than the filth already covering these greaves you've given me." Your opponent looks a little demoralized.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=slime-covered greaves|text="Listen, if I have to be covered in slime, so do you," <Name> says, kicking him for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[SMOOCH codpiece]]:''
{{useitem|item=SMOOCH codpiece|text=<Name> gazes at you with such withering contempt that even your opponent winces.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=SMOOCH codpiece|text=Your opponent accidentally stumbles into <Name>'s pointy crotch spike, suffering X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[smooth velvet pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=smooth velvet pants|text=<Name> accidentally slides across the floor between you and your opponent, blocking her attack.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=smooth velvet pants|text=<Name> actually smiles at you -- he must like the pants you gave him!|type=combat}}
*''[[snailmail breeches]]:''
{{useitem|item=snailmail breeches|text="Much like the creature on my family's coat of arms, the mighty snail, I shall slowly but surely gain victory over you, blackguard! And possibly leave a shiny trail in my wake!" <name> shouts, startling your opponent considerably.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=snailmail breeches|text="Tell me, have you ever seen the mating dance of the common garden snail? It's really something to observe," <Name> says, and then tries to imitate it for you.|type=combat}}
*''[[snakeskin thighboots]]:''
{{useitem|item=snakeskin thighboots|text=<Name> struts his stuff in his snakeskin thighboots. Your opponent appears rather distracted by this.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=snakeskin thighboots|text=<Name> grins widely and continues to strut. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[snow pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=snow pants|text=<Name> scoops a handful of snow from the pants and pelts <her> with it for {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage. "I suppose at this rate, I shall have my bum flapping in the breeze in a few fights, eh wot?" he says.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=snow pants|text="Oh come now! These are hardly trousers at all," <Name> complains. "You'll have me putting my legs in a giant cheese next, I shouldn't wonder. What do you say," he asks your opponent. "Would you call this a proper set of trousers?" Your opponent isn't sure how to respond.|type=combat}}
*''[[snowboarder pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=snowboarder pants|text="Father hired a private instructor to give me snowboard lessons when I was a lad," <Name> sniffs. "I would wager a decrepit hooligan like yourself didn't have that privilege." Your opponent looks away, too ashamed to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[space beast fur pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=space beast fur pants|text=<Name> struts around proudly in his space-fur pants. Wouldn't you?|type=combat}}
*''[[spandex anniversary shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=spandex anniversary shorts|text="Well, these trousers certainly leave little to the imagination. I do hope your imagination is insufficient to imagine that little bit that remains," <Name> says, winking and smiling.|type=combat}}
*''[[spangly mariachi pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=spangly mariachi pants|text="These trousers are so fancy they make me feel invincible!" <Name> cries. "I am the matador and the bull, and the arena in which they fight! Make your move!" Your opponent shuffles nervously, not sure whether to step up or not.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=spangly mariachi pants|text="Tell me, <PlayerName>, have you the proper ballroom dance training to dance the tango? No, I thought not. Very well, I shall demonstrate." He dances ferociously, clapping and stomping.|type=combat}}
*''[[spants]]:''
{{useitem|item=spants|text=<name> gives your opponent a tentative kick with his chitionous pants, dealing '''X''' damage.}}
*''[[Spelunker's khakis]]:''
{{useitem|item=Spelunker's khakis|text=Your opponents halt for a moment, intimidated by <Name>'s pants.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Spelunker's khakis|text=<Name> relaxes by a campfire in his dusty khakis. You rest with him for a few minutes.|type=combat}}{{HP}}
*''[[Spooky Putty leotard]]:''
{{useitem|item=Spooky Putty leotard|text=<Name> says, "I say, this rather reminds me of when I played the lead in Swan Lake at my all-boys preparatory academy. I looked most fetching in the tutu, if I do say so myself." He smiles wistfully, blinking back tears.|type=combat}}
*''[[square sponge pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=square sponge pants|text="I should think you're in a bit of hot water now, old boy," <Name> says, squeezing his pant leg to drench <it> with hot water for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=square sponge pants|text="These pants rather remind me of you," <Name> says, gesturing dismissively at your opponent. "They're a useless sponge suitably only for dipping my nether regions in!" <Its>{{sic}} is too thoroughly insulted to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[stainless steel slacks]]:''
{{useitem|item=stainless steel slacks|text="You know, I believe if I turn at the waist and bend just so, I can focus moonlight on my posterior and reflect it in a white-hot beam!" He manages to find the right angle, and hits your opponent for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=stainless steel slacks|text="I say," grins <Name>, examining his reflection in his slacks, "I cut quite a dashing figure in these trousers, if I do say so myself."
"Are you gonna help me fight this guy?" you ask.

"Hmmmm? Oh, certainly. I'll be with you presently."

Your opponent seems momentarily distracted by this puzzling exchange.|type=combat}}
*''[[star pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=star pants|text="I say," says <Name>, "these trousers look quite expensive. In fact, the price must have been... ''astronomical''! Ha! Ha! Rather droll, eh what?" Your opponent just kind of stares at him, too nonplussed to attack..|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=star pants|text="Do you know how many stars you can see when you're on the deck of a dirigible sailing beyond the moons?" <Name> asks. You relax for a minute while he regales you with tales of his travels.|type=combat}}
*''[[sticky meat kilt]]:''
{{useitem|item=sticky meat kilt|text="Not only is there sticky meat on this kilt," <Name> says, "there's sticky meat beneath it, too. Want to see?" Your opponent backs away, disgusted.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=sticky meat kilt|text=<Name> stomps around in a circle, in what he insists is "the savage war-dance of the indigenous peoples of a small island I encountered during my travels by dirigible," but what looks to you like a standard mosh pit.|type=combat}}
*''[[sticky meat pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=sticky meat pants|text="This is rather a sticky wicket, if I daresay so," <Name> says. "Or, rather, not to put too fine a point on it, a sticky pair of trousers. I find it most distasteful. You there! Blackguards! Come touch these and confirm that they're distasteful!" Your opponents step back, confused.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=sticky meat pants|text="I find," <Name> says, "that nothing heals a hurt like the swift application of currency. Allow me to demonstrate." He holds the leg of his meat pants over one of your wounds, and it feels better.{{HP}}|type=combat}}
*''[[sticky meat skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=sticky meat skirt|text="I can't thank you enough for wrapping my nether regions in sticky meat," <Name> says, sarcastically. "You there! Blackguard! Come any closer and I'll rub my skirt on you!" Your opponent is too grossed-out to attack.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=sticky meat skirt|text="I must admit, loathsome as this garment is, there is kind of a bad romance to it," <Name> says, dancing around in a circle.|type=combat}}
*''[[stinky cheese diaper]]:''
{{useitem|item=stinky cheese diaper|text="So I'm to be saddled with this foul-smelling diaper as if I were some orang-outan trained for circus work?" <Name> thunders. "Very well. Treat me like an ape, and I shall act like one!" I won't go into what he does next, but it does {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage to your opponent.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=stinky cheese diaper|text="Fondly I remember the days when the servants would change my diapers for me," <Name> says. When you look surprised, he adds, "well, of course I remember! They didn't stop until I was ten years old or so!" He smiles at your naivete.|type=combat}}
*''[[studded leather boxer shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=studded leather boxer shorts|text=<Name> viciously bumps <him> with the studs on his boxers, dealing '''X''' damage. "Terribly sorry, old chap, but maybe you should stay out of my way?" he says, sniffing derisively.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=studded leather boxer shorts|text=<Name> says, "I say, the wind through my nether regions right now is downright invigorating," and smiles widely.|type=combat}}
*''[[stylish swimsuit]]:''
{{useitem|item=stylish swimsuit|text=<Name> struts around nonchalantly, his tightly-wrapped package on display for all to see. Your opponent seems very uncomfortable, and is trying not to look. Or at least, not to stare.|type=combat}}
*''[[sucker hakama]]:''
{{useitem|item=sucker hakama|text="These -- oh, let's call them trousers -- remind me of the time my father trained the servants in samurai combat for months, then let me have at them with my katana!" <Name> says, wistfully kneeing <it> for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[sugar shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=sugar shorts|text=<Name> runs past you at great speed. "I rather think these shorts are giving my nether regions a sugar rush!" he says, smiling widely and winking.|type=combat}}
*''[[swashbuckling pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=swashbuckling pants|text="Ah yes, fencing!" <Name> says, drawing a foil from... somewhere. "En garde, ye varlet!" he shouts, and starts poking at your opponent, who backs away cautiously.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=swashbuckling pants|text="Did I ever tell you of my years spent aboard a pirate ship? Father thought I should learn proper business ethics before I went to work for his firm, you know. I must say I learned a lot about looting booty!" <Name> looks around for hidden treasure, to illustrate his point.|type=combat}}

===T===
*''[[terra cotta trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=terra cotta trousers|text=<Name> bonks your foe on the head with his inflexible trousers, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=terra cotta trousers|text=<Name> topples over as a result of his heavy pants, landing right in between you and your foe.|type=combat}}
*''[[the Archwizard's briefs]]:''
{{useitem|item=the Archwizard's briefs|text=<Name> accidentally fires a lightning bolt out of his briefs, hitting your opponent for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=the Archwizard's briefs|text=<Name> grimaces at the childish patterns on his briefs. The grimace looks a little bit like a smile, if you squint. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[The Emperor's new pants]]:''
*:None
*''[[The Ghoul King's ghoulottes]]:''
{{useitem|item=The Ghoul King's ghoulottes|text=Your opponent is as taken aback by <Name>'s pants as he is. {{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=The Ghoul King's ghoulottes|text=You look at <Name>'s loose pants, and it encourages you to loosen up a little yourself.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[The Jokester's pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=The Jokester's pants|text=<Name>'s pants unnerve you, so you go home and take a shower to calm yourself down.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[The Necbromancer's Shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=The Necbromancer's Shorts|text="These cargo short pants remind me of the heady days when I was a member of the secret society at my preparatory school!" <Name> says, then whips out a paddle and smacks them for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=The Necbromancer's Shorts|text="I do fondly remember the hazing rituals we put the pledges through at the preparatory academy," <Name> says. You relax as he regales you with stories of booze, humiliation, and buggery.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[The Sagittarian's leisure pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=The Sagittarian's leisure pants|text=?|type=combat}}
*''[[three-legged pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=three-legged pants|text=<Name> fidgets around, trying to figure out how to properly wear his screwed-up pants. It's almost balletic.|type=combat}}
*''[[Three Mile Island shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=Three Mile Island shorts|text=<Name> covers his mouth and nose with a dainty handkerchief to avoid the {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage his nasty pants just caused.|type=combat}}
*''[[tighty whiteys]]:''
{{useitem|item=tighty whiteys|text="You know, old bean, if I pull up the sides of this garment and wedge them betwixt my buttocks, I can look like I'm wearing a thong!" <Name> says. You avert your eyes, but your opponent fails to, taking {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=tighty whiteys|text="Now ''this'' is a proper gentleman's undergarment," <Name> says, grinning. "Boxer shorts are for boxers, and I would never betray my pedigree by stooping to pugilism!"|type=combat}}
*''[[time trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=time trousers|text="Trousers fashioned of compressed time? A capital idea!" <name> exclaims. "Once you've accounted for the conversion rate, they're nearly as good as a pair I once owned entirely made of money. Made going to the casino a bit of a scandal, though, eh what?" He laughs heartily and claps your opponent on the back, knocking the wind out of it. |type=combat}}
*''[[tinsel tights]]:''
{{useitem|item=tinsel tights|text=Your familiar dazzles your opponent with the glittering sunlight reflecting off of their crotch, then kicks them in their (the opponent's) crotch for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=tinsel tights|text=<Name> smiles despite the crinklyness of their pants. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[topiary tights]]:''
{{useitem|item=topiary tights|text=|type=combat}}
*''[[toy Crimbot rocket legs]]:''
{{useitem|item=toy Crimbot rocket legs|text=<Name> darts across the sky, out of control, propelled by the rocket legs. Your foes are too busy giggling at him to attack you.|type=combat}}
*''[[transparent pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=transparent pants|text=<Name> says, "this seems an ideal time to practice the yoga I learnt from a yogini in Nepal," and does a series of revealing poses that scar your opponents' psyche for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=transparent pants|text=<Name> says, "I say, these pants leave very little to the imagination. Especially if I jump around like this...what do you think?" Your opponent is too dumbfounded to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[Travoltan trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=Travoltan trousers|text=<Name> says, "I say, old chap, do you happen to have a hot water bottle about? Because I do believe I've got chills, and they're multiplyin'! And I'm losing control!" Then he grins like a madman, dances like a freak, and winks like a freak with something caught in his eye.|type=combat}}
*''[[tree skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=tree skirt|text=<Name> says, "this skirt made me so nostalgic for Crimbos past that I had the servants roast a few piping-hot chestnuts for me! Here, try one," he says, tossing a handful at your opponent for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=tree skirt|text=<Name> does a nostalgic little dance, reminiscing about having the servants beaten for roasting the Crimbo chestnuts incorrectly. Happy childhood memories!|type=combat}}
*''[[Troll britches]]:''
{{useitem|item=Troll britches|text=<Name> says, "Ah, these britches remind me of my ill-spent youth concocting elaborate insults to hurl at my fellow lads. You there! You're a suppurating rectal fissure!" he shouts at <it>, embarrassing <it> too much to attack this round.
|type=combat}}
*''[[Tropical Crimbo Shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=Tropical Crimbo Shorts|text=<Name> shouts, "you there! Fetch me a pitcher of margaritas and a pail of sunblock!" Your opponent scurries off to fetch the requested items.
|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Tropical Crimbo Shorts|text="Allow me to demonstrate the massage technique I learned on my lengthy sojourn in the tropics last fall," <Name> says, before giving you an invigorating backrub. {{HP}}{{MP}}|type=combat}}
*''[[trousers of the white knight]]:''
{{useitem|item=trousers of the white knight|text="I daresay this uncultured blackguard has never learned proper strategy from the chess board!" <Name> says. "See how easy it is for me to stab <it> for '''X''' damage? It never saw <it> coming! How droll."|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=trousers of the white knight|text="That ruffian there seem blissfully unaware that they are the pawns in this conflict, first to be sacrificed!" <Name> says. <It> overhears that, and is too demoralized to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=trousers of the white knight|text="You know, if these trousers were of my own invention, I might have made them from a material more flexible than plastic," <Name> says, winking.|type=combat}}
*''[[troutpiece]]:''
{{useitem|item=troutpiece|text="I don't know why you insist on sending me into battle wearing essentially undergarments!" <Name> huffs. "It seems somewhat fishy to me. Rather good one, that, eh? Fishy?" Your opponent groans and looks wounded by the pun.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=troutpiece|text="I must say," <Name> says, "I look like a real ''catch'' in these, don't I?" and smiles widely at his pun.|type=combat}}
*''[[troutsers]]:''
{{useitem|item=troutsers|text=<Name> tries to wring some of the oil out of his pants, and in doing so squirts your foe with it, dealing {{element|Sleaze|X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=troutsers|text=%familianame% regards his pants with a look of such disgust that your foe is momentarily stunned.|type=combat}}
*''[[turtle wax greaves]]:''
{{useitem|item=turtle wax greaves|text="Tell me,  <PlayerName>," <Name> says, "do I look, in some way, like a candle-wick to you? For I see you have clad me in wax!" He sniffs derisively, startling your opponent.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=turtle wax greaves|text="I am disinclined to wax rhapsodic or poetic about these leg-coverings," <Name> sniffs. "In fact, I'm inspired to do nothing but violence on account of being forced to wear them!" He kicks <it> for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[turtlemail breeches]]:''
{{useitem|item=turtlemail breeches|text=<name> says, "I say, these pants have a most pleasant jingle to them, don't you think? It reminds me of the ancient metal discs folks used to use as currency." Your opponent looks perplexed at the notion of metal discs as money.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=turtlemail breeches|text=<name> says, "by the jingling of my pants, I feel quite inclined to dance!" and dances a little jig.|type=combat}}

===U===
*''[[Uncle Hobo's gift baggy pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Uncle Hobo's gift baggy pants|text="Say, this reminds me of a rather amusing anecdote involving accidental nudity and a Crimbo pressie gone awry, back when I was a young lad at preparatory school," <name> says. You kick back and relax as he tells you the story.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[union scalemail pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=union scalemail pants|text="I say, <PlayerName>," <Name> grumbles, inspecting his scalemail pants, "surely we could've gotten these made more cheaply using overseas labor." Your opponent glances at you, wondering what the heck is going on.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=union scalemail pants|text=<Name> lifts up one of the scales in his trousers to inspect its manufacture, not realizing that the pants don't have a lining. Your opponent takes {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage from blushing too hard.|type=combat}}
*''[[Unkillable Skeleton's shinguards]]:''
{{useitem|item=Unkillable Skeleton's shinguards|text=<Name> says, "as you see, not even the Unkillable Skeleton was a match for my fighting prowess! Now, do you still wish to engage in fisticuffs?" Your opponent doesn't appear too eager to throw down.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Unkillable Skeleton's shinguards|text=<Name> says, "you know, father had a suit of armor in the front hall that had shinguards like these. We used to love hiding in the armor and scaring the pants off of our servants." He smiles at the pleasant memory.|type=combat}}

===V===
*''[[Vicar's Tutu]]:''
{{useitem|item=Vicar's Tutu|text=<Name> hops up ''en pointe.'' "This is a move I learned from Bishop Desmond, who used to put me in a tutu and teach me ballet," he says, then high-kicks your opponent for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Vicar's Tutu|text=<Name> says, "this rather reminds me of the time father made the servants dress up and put on the Nutcracker, so I could be the star." He does a few turns for you.|type=combat}}
*''[[Volartta's bellbottoms]]:''
{{useitem|item=Volartta's bellbottoms|text="These trousers have got me in the mood to kick-kick-kick, kick some booty!" <Name> says. "I have nothing but pity for the blackguard who attempts to start a row with me!" Your opponent hangs back, unsure whether <she> should attack|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Volartta's bellbottoms|text="These magnificent trousers remind me of my mis-spent youth, dancing in discotheques in a dozen different countries, doing a dozen different drugs, busting a hundred different moves," <Name> says, demonstrating some of his old dance moves.|type=combat}}
*''[[Voluminous Radio Pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Voluminous Radio Pants|text="These pants rather remind me of the time my friends and I staged a radio drama that pretended the earth had been invaded by sentient cabbages," <Name> says. You relax while he tells you the story of mass panic and the near collapse of civilization.{{HP}}{{MP}}|type=combat}}

===W===
*''[[waders]]''
{{useitem|item=waders|text=<Name> clomps over to your opponent in his fishing waders and stares him down intimidatingly.|type=combat}}.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=waders|text=gives your foe a rubbery kick for {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Wal-Mart overalls]]''
{{useitem|item=Wal-Mart overalls|text=With a look of intense disgust, <Name> opens the back flap of his overalls. A powerful odor is released, dealing X damage to your foe. "I'm quite sure that wasn't me," says <Name>.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Wal-Mart overalls|text=Your opponent mistakes <Name>'s angry flailing for a squaredance move, and matches it instead of attacking you.|type=combat}}
*''[[warbear battle greaves]]''
{{useitem|item=warbear battle greaves|text=<Name> roars, "I charge you to hold, blackguard, or feel the steel of my grievous greaves!" <It> looks a little demoralized.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=warbear battle greaves|text=<Name> says, "here's a trick my father's butler taught me. He was an assassin before father hired him," and viciously knees <it> with his greaves for no damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[warbear bearserker greaves]]''
{{useitem|item=warbear bearserker greaves|text=<Name> says, "I say, these greaves seem to be tipped with deadly neurotoxin. Let me know, will you?" and knees your opponent with them. It nods, turning green.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=Y}}
{{useitem|item=warbear bearserker greaves|text=<Name> says, "war is hell, and all that rot, but it can be fun with the proper equipment," and gleefully kicks it for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[warbear ceremonial party pants]]''
{{useitem|item=warbear ceremonial party pants|text=<Name> shouts at your opponent, "Numfar! Do the dance of joy!" It is too busy dancing to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=warbear ceremonial party pants|text=<Name> tells you a hilarious story of the time the servants held their own party downstairs during one of his father's cotillions, and how he got to fire them all himself. You laugh and feel refreshed.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[warbear dress greaves]]''
{{useitem|item=warbear dress greaves|text=<Name> towers intimidatingly over your opponent. "I dare say, you want me on that wall."|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
*''[[warbear electric long johns]]''
{{useitem|item=warbear electric long johns|text=<Name> says, "I say, these trousers appear to be having a slight malfunction." A beam of super-heated air shoots from the crotch, incinerating your opponent for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=warbear electric long johns|text=<Name> says, "my nether regions haven't been so warm since the winter days sledding with the family, when the cook gave us each a boiled potato to keep in our hip pockets." He grins wistfully.|type=combat}}
*''[[warbear fleece-lined long johns]]''
{{useitem|item=warbear fleece-lined long johns|text=<Name> says, "I'm positively sweltering in these undergarments! My legs are like red-hot irons!" He demonstrates by kicking your opponent for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=warbear fleece-lined long johns|text=<Name> says, "I remember a holiday where Father took us skiing in Aruba. The locals slaved all day chipping ice to make snow to cover the slope, and it melted almost immediately." He smiles at the fond memory.|type=combat}}
*''[[warbear high festival pants]]''
{{useitem|item=warbear high festival pants|text=<Name> says, "I'm sorry; this fight has a strict dress code, and your clothing is not appropriately festive." Your opponent goes to look for something more appropriate to wear.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=warbear high festival pants|text=<Name> says, "I fondly remember the grandest ball my father ever threw. He painted the servants like statues and had them stand on the lawn holding candles, and if one moved, he shot them with a crossbow!" You laugh along with him, and are refreshed.|type=combat}}
*''[[warbear long johns]]''
{{useitem|item=warbear long johns|text=<Name> says, "I say, these long underwear are so warm I'm building up steam in here!" He opens the flap in the back to demonstrate, blasting <it> for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage. With steam. Just steam. Don't be gross.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=warbear long johns|text=<Name> says, "ah, I remember the holidays in Majorca when we would put on long underwear and sit out under the stars," and smiles beatifically.|type=combat}}
*''[[warbear officer greaves]]''
{{useitem|item=warbear officer greaves|text=<Name> says, "drop and give me twenty, you uncultured swine!" Your opponent does so, looking weaker after the unexpected exercise.|type=combat}}{{delevel}}
{{useitem|item=warbear officer greaves|text=<Name> says, "father had me trained in the art of capybara, a particularly vicious mammal," and kicks it for X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[warbear party pants]]''
{{useitem|item=warbear party pants|text=<Name> shouts at your opponent, "I say, you blackguard aren't properly dressed for the cotillion! Bad form!" Your opponent is too demoralized to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=warbear party pants|text=<Name> regales you with an invigorating tale of the time he wore see-through pants to a pair of fancy balls.{{HP}}{{MP}}|type=combat}}
*''[[Warms-Your-Tush]]:''
{{useitem|item=Warms-Your-Tush|text=<Name> moons your opponent and says, "I say, my nether regions are full of stars!" <She> is too dazzled to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Warms-Your-Tush|text=<Name> reminisces about the time his father bought him an observatory, smiling wistfully.|type=combat}}
*''[[wax pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=wax pants|text="Wax," <Name> sniffs. "is an inappropriate material for trousers. I am scandalized, sir, but alas too much the gentleman to take it out on you." He kicks <him> for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=wax pants|text="I note," <Name> says, "that you have clad me in what appears to be wax. What the devil for? Could you not find something cheaper, or more humiliating?" He sniffs derisively, startling your opponent.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
*''[[weasel stomping pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=weasel stomping pants|text=<Name> resales{{sic}} you with the antics of his father's hunting club, all of which end with someone stomped to death by some wild animal. You feel refreshed by all the poetic justice.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[weedy skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=weedy skirt|text="I say," <Name> says, this skirt reminds me of the--ahhh--the gardens of the palacial mansion of my--aaaaaaahhhh--youth, ACHOOOOOOOO!" Your opponent takes X damage from the force of his sneeze.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=weedy skirt|text=<Name> says, "when father held cotillions in the garden, the servants would all wear skirts like this to serve refreshments. Of course the garments itched like the veritable dickens, so they were constantly hopping around." He demonstrates the strange hopping, scratching dance for you.|type=combat}}
*''[[white satin pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=white satin pants|text="These trousers are truly exceptional," <Name> says. "In fact, it could be said that I ''worship'' satin. Droll, eh?" Your opponent takes '''X''' damage from that terrible pun.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=white satin pants|text="Now, this is more like it," <Name> says, appreciatively. "Provided, of course, it isn't after Labór Day. Oh, my. What day is it? WHAT DAY IS IT?" Your opponent is a little too frightened to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[whittled shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=whittled shorts|text=<Name> runs up to your opponent and hip-checks them into the wall for X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=whittled shorts|text=<Name> grins like nobody wearing wooden pants should be able to. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[Whoompa Fur Pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Whoompa Fur Pants|text=<Name> says, "I have only a painted-on nose, but even I can smell your fear!" and kicks <it> for {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[wicker knickers]]:''
{{useitem|item=wicker knickers|text=<Name> brushes his abrasive pants against your foe, dealing X damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=wicker knickers|text=<Name> accidentally scratches your back with his abrasive pants. Ahhhhhh.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[wooly loincloth]]:''
{{useitem|item=wooly loincloth|text=<Name> says, "this rather reminds me of the time Daddy dressed up as a caveman and rampaged through the town. He did love his three-martini dinners, did daddums," and smiles warmly.|type=combat}}
*''[[wrought-iron waders]]:''
{{useitem|item=wrought-iron waders|text=<Name> distracts your opponents by angrily swatting at his metal pants with a cane he found somewhere.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=wrought-iron waders|text=<Name> grimaces as he struggles under the weight of the heavy pants. It sort of looks like he's smiling! (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[wumpus-hair loincloth]]:''
{{useitem|item=wumpus-hair loincloth|text="Let's see if I can remember the Krakroxian battle-cry we learned for cricket matches at the preparatory academy," <Name> says, then lets loose a high-pitched screeching yodel. <He> is too freaked out to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=wumpus-hair loincloth|text="Ah, the ancient and majestic Wumpus," <Name> grins, examining his loincloth. "Such a bally shame they were hunted to extinction before I could get a crack at one, eh what?"|type=combat}}

===X===
*''[[Xiblaxian stealth trousers]]:''
*:None
===Y===
*''[[yakskin kilt]]:''
{{useitem|item=yakskin kilt|text="I say, this kilt is jolly warm," <Name> says, dancing a little jig. "Wish I'd had one on our hunting club's arctic expedition -- wouldn't have had to sleep in a ruddy bear carcass."|type=combat}}
*''[[yakskin pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=yakskin pants|text="In all my travels, I have learned one thing that is true in any context, in any culture," <Name> says, "and that is: 'yaks smell terrible.'" He holds out his leg for your opponent to sniff, and it takes {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage from the smell.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=yakskin pants|text="Don't talk back!" <Name> shouts, startling your opponent so much that <it> forgets to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[yakskin skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=yakskin skirt|text="In my numerous travels, I did encounter a tribe of women who wore nothing but yakskin skirts," <Name> says. "It was quite the sight, especially when they did the traditional dance of their people." He demonstrates, and your mind boggles.|type=combat}}

===Z===
*''[[zombie mariachi pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=zombie mariachi pants|text=<Name> wows your opponent with a spirited flamenco dance, preventing them from attacking this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=zombie mariachi pants|text=<Name> says, "these trousers rather remind me of the time father forced me to learn ballroom dancing so I could compete on the professional circuit. See, I can still flamenco!"|type=combat}}
*''[[Zombo's grievous greaves]]:''
{{useitem|item=Zombo's grievous greaves|text="What ho!" <Name>shouts exuberantly. "Slay this vile ruffian, <Player>, and we'll display its bones on my greaves as a warning to its miserable kin!" Your opponent seems rather shocked by this.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Zombo's grievous greaves|text="I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you, old bean," <Name> says, and kicks <him> for {{element|Spooky|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}

==References==

{{PantscrowMessages}}

[[Category:Familiars| {{PAGENAME}}]]