Artist's Spatula of Despair

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Artist's Spatula of Despair
Artist's Spatula of Despair

If you're looking for a spoon, knife, or fork, a spatula can only disappoint you, and eventually lead you down the wilted garden path to despair.

I mean, if you happen to be looking for a spatula, they're all right, but usually they're just taking up space in your utensil drawer and making it impossible to open or close, dammit.

Type: combat item
Selling Price: 11 Meat.

Deals 10-20 Physical Damage

(In-game plural: Artist's Spatulas of Despair)
View metadata
Item number: 6105
Description ID: 675041975
View in-game: view
View market statistics

Obtained From

A Kitchen Drawer
Spatula of Despair

When Used

  • In combat:
You fling the spatula at your opponent, hitting him for 10-20 damage.
You flail at the Potatoes of Security with the Spatula of Despair, but Security stands strong against even the most determined slaps of Despair. It's an inspiring metaphor, but lacks the tragic element that makes for great art.
You flip the Batter of Hope with the Spatula of Despair. Despair and Hope, yin and yang, the push and the pull, the metaphor and the food, all juxtaposed and balanced in perfect harmony, yield artistic satisfaction and a plate of pancakes.
You use the Spatula of Despair to flip the Meat of Happiness, turning it over and over as it fries in its own fat, unable to tell up from down, wrong from right, hope from despair. The resulting rasher of bacon looks delicious, and the tragic truth it symbolizes is more delicious still.
You flip the Eggs of Confidence with the Spatula of Despair. The two polar opposites combine in heart-breakingly beautiful fashion, leaving you with a fried egg that has been seared and flipped, but remains Sunny-Side Up. It's truly a triumph of metaphorical cooking.
You slap the Bread of Wonder with the Spatula of Despair, but Despair can't really leave a dent in Wonder, and Wonder is too strong to be sliced by the floppy edge of Despair. Since happy endings are for children and poseurs, you concede that this mess is barely edible.


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