A Pool Table (Typical Tavern)

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If you're looking for the Clan VIP Lounge furnishing, see A Pool Table (VIP Lounge).


The Pool Table is found in The Typical Tavern.


You step up to the pool table, and notice a sign:

NO PLAYING
FOR FUN

Looks like if you're gonna play pool, you're gonna have to play for Meat. You survey the crowd for potential opponents:

Pool hippy.gifMoonbeam Earthsong, Dippy Hippy
Play Pool (1)

(maximum 50 Meat)

  • Upon defeat

Moonbeam focuses her chi, aligns her chakras, and takes your bet. She lights a little cone of incense and sets it on the side rail, where it spits out black smoke and a smell like a wet cat rolled in a spice rack. "You may break," she says, "But let us compete not as rivals, but as two ends of the same earthworm, two cells in the body that is Mother Earth." You nod your head, because you don't trust yourself to respond to that, and line up your opening shot. As you break, though, a freak gust of wind blows through the tavern, sending the cue ball spinning sideways into a side pocket. You glance at Moonbeam, and for a second would swear that all of her hair is standing up on end and her eyes have gone all white -- but then you look again, and she looks completely normal. "Wow, right?" she says, picking up the cue ball. "Nature, man. I mean, wow." She lines up her first shot and sends the cue ball spinning into the triangle of balls at the other end of the table. As the balls roll, you get a funny feeling in your gut, like gravity's shifting subtly underneath your feet.

When the balls stop rolling, there are only two on the table: the cue ball in the dead center of the table, and the 8-ball, which is wobbling on the edge of a corner pock -- "ACHOO!" Moonbeam sneezes, and the 8-ball drops into the pocket. "Sorry. It's the incense," she says. "Oh, look! I won! You should really work on harnessing your karma, if you want to improve your game."

Moonbeam pockets your meat and heads off to distribute it equally to the rest of her funk of hippies.

Meat.gifYou lose some Meat.

or

Moonbeam smiles serenely at you. "May the one with the most adjusted chakras win," she says. Her chi is insufficiently focused for her to sink any balls on the break, and you manage to pocket a few before unfortunate feng shui leads you to miss a shot. She consults the i ching and lines up a few good shots herself. Play continues that way until the alignment of the planets causes you both to be fated to be going for the 8-ball at the same time.

Moonbeam balances on one foot and extends her arms over her head, meditating for a few seconds, then sinks the 8-ball with her eyes closed.

"You're, like, a really old soul," she says. "But I'm totally reaping the karmic benefits of my last reincarnation. Better luck on some other plane!" She collects your meat and floats away, presumably to spend her winnings on herbs and candles.

Meat.gifYou lose some Meat.
  • Upon victory

Moonbeam squints at you curiously as you place your bet on the side rail. "Wow, man," she says, "your aura is really amazing. Like, every time you move, there are these trails of light coming off of you! It's totally amazing, man."

Moonbeam lets you break, but you don't sink anything. She leans over the table, and sends the cue ball flying past all the balls onto an empty rail. Then she starts to line up another shot.

"Uh, I think it's my turn," you say.

"I sunk the ultraviolet ball!" Moonbeam says, pointing at the empty pocket.

"Uh, there's no ultraviolet ball," you say.

"Oh. Huh. Far out," she says, stepping back from the table.

Even though Moonbeam manages to sink the infrared, octarine, and paisley balls, you still win by sinking all of your regular balls and the 8-ball. Moonbeam pays her debt and you leave her staring at the light trails she insists are coming from her fingertips.

Meat.gifYou gain some Meat.

or

Moonbeam puts her palms together and bows to you. "Let us celebrate the fact that we are alive, here and now, and that Gaia has brought us together to test our skills against each other," she says. "Yeah, uh, ditto," you reply. "You can break."

Moonbeam leans over, lines up her shot, and sinks a ball. She misses the next shot, and you take over.

While you're lining up your shot, though, she puts a glass sculpture on the side rail of the table. It must be some kind of incense holder, because thick, sticky-sweet smoke billows out of it.

You know, you've never noticed how easy it is to play pool! I mean, it's like, the angle you hit the cue ball into the other ball is the angle the other ball will take! It's just, like, geometry, man! You can practically see little trails indicating where the balls will go when you hit them. You sink ball after ball, finally missing when you're distracted by how truly electoral your hands are.

It looks like Moonbeam can see the trails, too, since she sinks most of her balls on her turn, before she stops and wanders off to get a snack. You sink your last ball and the 8-ball as Moonbeam comes back, holding a bowl full of pretzels.

"You have to try these pretzels, man," she says, dreamily. "Wait, what were we doing? Did I win?"

You don't want to harsh her buzz, so you just assure her she won, and she lets you take the meat anyway, since we are all one, you know, man? Far out.

Meat.gifYou gain some Meat.
Pool frat.gifChet Chesterson, Orcish Frat Boy
Play Pool (1)

(maximum 200 Meat)

  • Upon defeat

Chet makes sure that both of his collars are properly popped, sprays on a little more body spray, and accepts your bet. "Now, let's make this a fair match, Bro-meo and Juliet," he says. You promise to play fair, and he lets you break.

As you lean over the table, though, something taps you on the butt. You jump up, your shot going wild and dropping the cue ball in a side pocket. You spin around and Chet's holding his frat paddle, smirking. "Oh, did I tap you, Bro-setta Stone? Sorry 'bout that. But, I guess it's my turn now, huh?"

He hands his paddle to a nearby sorority orc, chalks his cue, and proceeds to run the entire table. He sinks the 8-ball and walks away counting his winnings, leaving you with a lighter wallet and two sets of red cheeks. What a jerk!

Meat.gifYou lose some Meat.

or

Chet grins at you over his douchebag shades as you pick up your pool cue. "This one's gonna be over pretty quick, Bro-seph," he says. "You break."

You sink a few balls on the break, and his cocksure grin gets a little less cocky. "Okay, bro-mide," he says, "you're not bad. Let's see what else you got."

You miss the next shot, and he sinks a few before missing again.

"Your turn, bro-tisserie chicken," he says.

You're a little unnerved by his bro-quaciousness, but you manage to hold your own until only the 8-ball is left on the table.

"Your shot, bro-man a clef," he says, as you're lining up your shot. You're so distracted by that last pun that you miss, enabling him to pocket the last ball and win the game.

"Better luck next time, Neutral Milk Bro-tel," he says, taking your meat and walking away.

Meat.gifYou lose some Meat.
  • Upon victory

Chet looks over the top of his shades at you. "What's up, bro-deo clown? You ready to get spanked?"

"Uh, I'd rather just play some pool, thanks," you say.

"Suits me, parsley-sage-BRO-semary-and-thyme," he replies. "I'll break." He lines up a shot and sinks one on the break, then hits two more before he misses a shot.

It turns out you're pretty evenly matched with Chet -- in pool skills, hopefully not in personality or intellect -- and by the end of the game, you're both chasing the 8-ball. You miss your shot and leave Chet wide open to win the game.

"Tough luck, bro-tunda," he says. At that point, though, another frat orc taps Chet on the shoulder and hands him a mug full of some milky-looking liquid.

"You've been riced, bro!" the other orc shouts.

"Uh, what?" you say.

"It's fermented rice milk, bro-a constrictor," Chet says, rolling his eyes. "I have to drink this right now, even though it's disgusting, or I'll be a laughingstock."

You keep your opinion on that to yourself, and wait for Chet to finish the drink. He's a little unsteady on his feet by the time he's done, and he misses his shot by a country mile.

You line up your shot and easily sink the 8-ball. "We'll have to never do this again sometime, BRO-ken husk of an orc," you say, pocketing your winnings.

Meat.gifYou gain some Meat.

or

Chet smirks at you from above his popped collar. "All right, Mon-BRO-lian Beef," he says, "let's see what you got."

You break, but don't sink any balls. Chet steps up to the table, lines up his shot -- but before he makes the shot, another frat orc rushes up to him.

"Hey, BRO-magnon," he says, "we just got some new pledges! We've already stripped them naked, covered them in chocolate sauce, and tied their hands together, and now we're going to paddle them!"

"Awesome! What a normal and not-at-all homoerotic thing for us to do!" Chet says. "Looks like I'll have to school you on pool later, a-bro samurai."

Chet takes off so fast that he leaves his bet on the table. You figure that this counts as a forfeit, so you keep all the meat for yourself.

Meat.gifYou gain some Meat.
Pool shark.gifScratch "Amblin' Stick" Rackonteur, Pool Neophyte
Play Pool (1)

(maximum 500 Meat)

  • Upon defeat

Scratch nods at you, tipping his fedora. "Well, I suppose I can take that bet," he says, "but I warn you, I'm pretty new at this. Foosball is more my game. I imagine you'll wipe the floor with me. Are you sure you don't want to double that bet?"

You decline, and he chuckles. "All right, then. I'll break." He opens a little case and pulls out a pool cue in three parts, which he screws together. Then he deftly swipes the tip with chalk, lines up his shot, and sinks half of the balls on the break.

"See? I told you I wasn't very good at this," he says. "Sure you don't want to double down? Easy money!"

You decline to say that while he's a good pool player, he's the world's worst hustler, and let the bet stand. Scratch quickly runs the table and pockets your meat with a satisfied nod. "Now, if you want to see a real game, you should hit me up at the foosball table, just as soon as the Tavern gets one," he says, and walks off to find another sucker to part from some meat.

Meat.gifYou lose some Meat.

or

"Sure, I'll take your bet," Scratch says, shrugging, "but you might have to coach me a little. This is my first game." Then he takes an expensive-looking cue out of a customized carrying case, delicately rubs chalk on it, and sinks three balls on the break.

He finally misses a shot, then pulls out his own monogrammed talcum bag and dusts his hands.

You somehow manage to run the entire table, until just the 8-ball is left. While you're lining up your shot, he sneezes and bumps the table, and you miss.

"Sorry," he says, "I must be coming down with something. Let's see, now -- I forget how this game works. If I sink that last ball, I win, right?"

"I'm getting the feeling you've done this a few times before," you say.

He calls his pocket, bounces the 8-ball off of three rails, and sinks it. He shrugs as he collects his winnings. "Must be beginner's luck," he says, stowing his cue.

Meat.gifYou lose some Meat.
  • Upon victory

Scratch puts his meat on the table -- no, I mean, he places his bet -- and looks you up and down. "I'm actually a pretty good pool player, you know," he says. "I think I can beat you without too much trouble."

"Uh, okay," you say. "Why don't you break, then?"

Scratch breaks with a perfectly average shot that sinks a ball or two, then misses the following shot. He seems to be about as good a player as you are, and matches you shot for shot for the rest of the game. Finally, you're down to just the 8-ball left.

"Okay," Scratch says, as he lines up his shot, "I have a confession to make. I'm a hustler. I'm actually terrible at pool, not pretty good." And he sends the cue ball spinning wildly into a rail, so hard it jumps and lands in a sorority orc's beer.

"Huh," you say, placing the cue ball back on the table, "well, color me hustled. I thought you were pretty good." You sink the 8-ball and collect your winnings.

Meat.gifYou gain some Meat.

or

Scratch tips his fedora and regards you skeptically. "I don't think you want to play with me," he says. "I'm the greatest pool player that ever lived!"

"I'll take my chances," you reply, as you sink a ball on the break.

When it's Scratch's turn, he makes a wild shot that sends the cue ball bouncing off all four rails and into a corner pocket without so much as coming close to another ball on the table.

Every time Scratch takes a turn, he does the same. But he keeps bragging about his amazing pool skills. "Any minute now, I'm going to mop the floor with you. Are you sure you don't want to quit now?" he says, after popping the ball off the table and into a knob goblin's mouth.

After you sink the 8-ball, winning before Scratch has pocketed a single ball, you can't help but ask. "So . . . greatest pool player who ever lived? Are you really drunk, or having an off day, or . . ."

"Okay, you got me," Scratch says. "I'm a hustler. I'm actually terrible at pool, but I make a living convincing people I'm great at it."

"And does that pay very well?"

"No. I'm terrible at coming up with ideas to support myself, too."

"Huh." You shrug your shoulders and collect your winnings. You think about wishing Scratch good luck, but you figure it wouldn't do any good.

Meat.gifYou gain some Meat.

Notes

  • Your success at the table is affected by your Pool Skill. Unlike getting the key in The Haunted Billiards Room, the amount of pool skill you need to win is fixed.
    • You will always beat Scratch Rackonteur with pool skill of 25 or more. (You will always lose at any lower skill.)
    • You will always beat Chet Chesterson with pool skill of 15 or more.
    • You will always beat Moonbeam Earthsong with pool skill of 0 or more.
  • Beating Scratch Rackonteur at pool 23 times earns you the Who Hustles The Hustlers? trophy.
  • In a Zombie Slayer run, the table isn't available:
Looks like there aren't going to be any games played on this table any time soon -- the felt is caked with drying blood, the cues are all broken, and one of the pockets, for some reason, is full of human teeth.

References

  • The message regarding Moonbeam's hair standing on end and her eyes going all white is a reference to Storm of the X-Men, who can control the weather in a very similar manner.
  • The "octarine" ball that Moonbeam claims to sink refers to Terry Pratchett's Discworld series; in the novels, octarine is the eighth color of the rainbow, it is the color of magic, and is only visible to wizards and cats.
  • Chet's dialogue references a trend of making fun of frat boys' use of the word "bro" by adding it to any phonetically similar word. (Be warned: brociferous usage of "bro" can lead to brohibition.)
    • One of said bro-isms refers to the lo-fi/indie band Neutral Milk Hotel.
    • Another, "a-bro samurai", refers to the anime Afro Samurai.
    • Yet another, "Bro-setta Stone", refers to Rosetta Stone, a piece of language learning software.
  • The forced rice milk chugging refers to the drinking game Bros Icing Bros, popular among frat boy types.