451 Degrees! Burning Down the House!
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You find yourself in one of the old neighborhoods of the Seaside Megalopolis. One of the ancient, condemned houses looks vaguely familiar. It dawns on you that you're looking at Spookyraven Manor, or what's left of it, as a gout of flame explodes out of one of the windows in the library. You race inside to investigate, and find a guy with a shoulder-mounted flamethrower hosing down the books.
"Hey, what are you doing? Stop that!"
The guy looks at you like he just scraped you off of his shoe. "I'm doing important work here. I'm burning all of these books to make a clear statement about the complacency of an anti-literate populace."
"I don't know about that," you say, "I mean, you're in a uniform and everything. I think you're making a pretty clear statement about government censorship."
The man shrugs his shoulders. "Have it your way. Either way, these books have got to go. Here, you can thumb through some if you want; I won't tell anyone." You see a couple of books that haven't been singed yet.
|Read "Burning Loincloths"|
You thumb through "Burning Loincloths" until you get to a promising passage:
"Take me, Lars, take me!" Helga moaned.
"But my darling Helga, you are betrothed to my karatoom, my blood brother!" Lars protested, but his loincloth spoke a different truth.
"Darling Lars, take me while I am still in my lemofaw, my innocent time before I can do wrong! Your karatoom could not judge us then!"
"Oh, yes, Helga, it shall be so. I pray to the Warlomnat, the council of deceased elders that guides us, that our actions will be forgiven."
Lars drew Helga close, gently pulling at the strings of her fur bikini --"
Sadly, the rest of the book is charred beyond legibility. Wow, that was some racy stuff! You feel your moxie rise.
|You gain X Smarm.|
|Read "Tuesdays with the Supreme Being"|
You thumb through "Tuesdays With the Supreme Being." It's the heartwarming tale of a young man who spends his afternoons with the anthropomorphic personification of perfection, and learns all kinds of life lessons. Most of that crap's pretty boring -- treat people how you'd like to be treated, don't put your genitals in the punch bowl, that kind of thing.
The glossary at the back is pretty useful, though; apparently, the Supreme Being speaks a language composed mostly of vowels and liquid consonants. Kind of like a cross between baby talk and Hawaiian. You tear out that section and take it with you.
|You acquire an item: Supreme Being Glossary|
|Read "Tears of the Dragon-Vampire"|
You thumb through "Tears of the Dragon-Vampire" until you find a legible scene:
The dragon-vampire skulked in the shadows, brooding. "I cannot share my thoughts with you," it said, "for that would be immoral. We are not wed."
"That is true," said Rod Handsome Hugedick, the sensitive, irresistibly handsome, well-endowed dragon-vampire clairvoyant. "I would never probe your thoughts unless we were joined together as one in holy matrimony. I love you so much that I insist on waiting."
"Yes," the dragon-vampire said, "true love waits."
Wow, what a terrible, terrible book. You throw it onto the fire as hard as you can, then retrieve it quickly and throw it again and again and again, until you finally are exhausted and content to watch the book burn.
|You gain X Beefiness.|
Occurs at Seaside Megalopolis.
- The number of substats you get is capped at 200
- This adventure is a reference to Farenheit 451, a dystopian novel by Ray Bradbury, in which books are burnt by so-called "firemen" with "shoulder-mounted flamethrowers." The author is reportedly very frustrated that the story is popularly interpreted as being about government censorship, because he intended it to be clear statement about the complacency of an anti-literate populace.
- The title of this adventures also refers to the Talking Heads song "Burning Down the House" (specifically the chorus "Three hundred, sixty five degrees, Burning down the house!")
- The characters of Lars and Helga here are also featured in Lars the Cyberian.
- The second book is (in part) a reference to Tuesdays With Morrie, a true story by Mitch Albom. Albom listened over some time to an old professor of his who was slowly dying to ALS.
- The third book is a reference to Twilight, a franchise frequently mocked by those outside of its fanbase. This includes Jick and Mr. Skullhead - "Rod Handsome Hugedick" is a reference to a conversation from one of their weekly radio shows.