Yes, You're a Rock Starrr

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Yes, You're a Rock Starrr
Yes, You're a Rock Starrr

From a far corner of the barrr, you hear someone drunkenly singing off-key to the crooner classic "It's Completely Ordinary." Great, looks like they have a karrraoke machine at this barrr.

After having your ears assaulted by a couple more horrible performances (and one good one by a pirate who gave a shout out to "the whole crew of the Penzance, the finest sailing vessel on these eleven seas!"), you decide to take a turn at the mic, and you check out the song listings. Wow, what a crappy selection -- there are only three songs left that haven't already been sung.

Which song would you like to sing?



Sing the high-pitched, densely harmonic "Knob Goblin Rhapsody."

You step up to the stage, squint at the magical screen displaying the song's lyrics in front of you, and try to keep up. You do okay through the slow intro part, emoting your way through the "Harem, I am a man/ Not a eunuch like your guards/ So you know what's in the cards..."

Once you get over that hurdle, though, you've still got five minutes of song left to go, and the middle part is full of nonsense words and dense back-up harmonies. You get as far as "Goblin King! Goblin King! Will you give me two mangoes" before you can't find the melody anymore, and couldn't hit the notes even if you could find 'em. The pirates start booing and throwing stuff at the stage, and you slink off, humiliated.

At least some of the bottles they tossed at you weren't empty.

(Obtain 2-5 of the following:)

Bottle.gifYou acquire an item: bottle of gin
Bottle.gifYou acquire an item: bottle of rum
Bottle.gifYou acquire an item: bottle of vodka
Bottle.gifYou acquire an item: bottle of whiskey

Sing the ridiculously long ballad "Banana Cream Pie."

You step up to the stage and begin the epic saga of the Banana Cream Pie. "A long, long time ago," you sing, "well, I guess not *too* long / but still I think it's, been a little while / It might have been a week ago / or maybe two, I don't quite know..."

The first verse goes okay, and everyone joins in for the chorus, which goes "My, my, my banana cream pie / don't be hasty, it's so tasty it brings tears to your eyes / And it tastes so good it makes a grown person cry / It's just such a real sweet surprise..."

By the fifth verse, though, you're losing the crowd, and by the seventh verse, people are looking restless. By the fifteenth verse, the audience is positively homicidal, and begins pelting you with bottles, drinks, and barstools. You exit stage left -- stage right, even.

At least some of the glasses they tossed at you weren't empty.

(Obtain 2-3 of the following:)

Rocks.gifYou acquire an item: grog
Rocks.gifYou acquire an item: monkey wrench
Rocks.gifYou acquire an item: redrum
Rocks.gifYou acquire an item: rum and cola
Coffeecup.gifYou acquire an item: spiced rum
Daquiri.gifYou acquire an item: strawberry daiquiri

Sing the Southern Hey Deze tune "Fiends in Low Places."

You step onto the stage, affect a twang, and begin to sing: "So let me tell ya, ma'am / I'm eternally damned / My soul trapped within Satan's lair..." You try to get into the song, but you're so nervous you can barely hold the microphone. Before the first chorus hits, a near-fatal attack of stage fright rushes through your body, and you drop the microphone and flee the stage, directly into a tetchy pirate.

tetchy pirate This monster is a Pirate -- (edit metadata)
Madpirate.gif
  • Item Drops: bottle of rum, cocktail napkin
  • Meat Drop: 32-48
  • Monster Level: 83 • Substat Gain: 20.75 • Moxie for No Hit*: 93
  • Monster Defense: 75
  • Hit Points: 72
  • Initiative: 50
  • Elemental Alignment: None
  • With 1-9 drunkenness:

You step onto the stage, affect a twang, and begin to sing: "So let me tell ya, ma'am / I'm eternally damned / My soul trapped within Satan's lair..." Your slight tipsiness helps alleviate your stage fright, and by the time you get to the chorus, you're confidentally belting out the lyrics: "I've got fiends in low places, where they whip your back and they flay faces / I went astray / now I'm here to stay..."

The entire audience joins in for the last chorus, and you leave the stage feeling enriched by the experience. The experience, that is, of making only slightly more a fool out of yourself than you would if you hadn't got on stage in the first place.

You gain (50%-100% of <mainstat>) in Fortitude, capped at 100.
You gain (50%-100% of <mainstat>) in Enchantedness, capped at 100.
You gain (50%-100% of <mainstat>) in Chutzpah, capped at 100.
  • With 10-24 drunkenness:

You step onto the stage, affect a twang, and begin to sing: "So let me tell ya, ma'am / I'm eternally damned / My soul trapped within Satan's lair..." Your advanced drunkenness helps alleviate your stage fright, but makes it harder to read the lyrics. Fortunately, by the time you hit the chorus the whole barrr is singing along: "I've got fiends in low places, where they whip your back and they flay faces / I went astray / now I'm here to stay..."

Since you're so drunk, it doesn't occur to you that the audience isn't really singing along; they're just trying to drown you out. You get quite a workout trying to outshout them, and you feel pretty slick for entertaining everyone. All in all, it's a magical experience.

You gain (100%-150% of <mainstat>) in Strongness, capped at 100.
You gain (100%-150% of <mainstat>) in Magicalness, capped at 100.
You gain (100%-150% of <mainstat>) in Chutzpah, capped at 100.

Occurs in Barrrney's Barrr.


References