Workin' For The Man

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Workin' For The Man
Workin' For The Man

The man looks you up and down, eyes wide. "Wow, that didn't kill you?" he asks. You shake your head 'no.' "And you're not going to eat me? You shake your head 'no.' Then 'yes.' The question's confusing, so you settle for putting your front legs over your mouth. You point to your little sign.

He nods his head. Yeah, I think we could use someone like you," he says. You could be our new mascot! Or you could work down in the lab, helping us test new poison -- I mean, new tasty cockroach food. Or maybe you could ride on the top of our van as a living billboard!


Be the Mascot (1)

You decide to become the mascot of the cockroach extermination company. You make public appearances, acting out little plays where the brave exterminator sprays you with poison and you fake a dramatic, Shakespearean death. It's easy work, and you get all the filth you can eat.

One night, as you're heading back home from a long day at work, you see a normal-sized cockroach skitter in front of you. Then two pass on either side of you. You stop and turn in a slow circle, antennae waving. Suddenly, you're surrounded by cockroaches! They come pouring out of a storm drain and swarm all over you, clicking and chirping the cockroach equivalent of "TRAITOR!"

It doesn't take them long to tear you limb from limb.

Okay, it actually takes them quite a while. I was just trying to make you feel better.


Be the lab roach (1)

You decide to work in the cockroach food lab. They give you a white coat and a pair of safety goggles, and you get to spend all day testing various types of new cockroach food. Most of it comes in the form of powder or aerosol spray -- it's really high-tech! The food isn't very filling, but it does give you some amazing hallucinations. You provide as much feedback on quality and flavor as you can, determined that your brethren roaches will have nothing but the best. The technicians don't seem to appreciate your work, though -- they almost seem frustrated every time you try a new food and lick your mandibles contentedly.

One day, a technician tries to create a new kind of food, something he says is "sure to do the trick." He mixes some powder, some liquids, and even grabs a couple of bottles from under the sink in the break room to add to the mix. He puts everything in a big glass beaker, and starts heating the beaker over the bunsen burner.

The fumes from the mixture make you a little woozy -- that concoction smells foul. Then you remember: there's a scented candle and some matches at one of the workstations! It's hard for a cockroach to strike a match, but you finally manage to do it.

The ensuing explosion takes out most of the building, but at least you're not around to see it.


Be the billboard(1)

You decide to ride on top of the exterminator van. It's not a bad job: you get to be out in the outdoors, enjoying the wind whipping through your antennae, getting plenty of sun and fresh air. When the van stops, you wave your legs and feelers menacingly, and everyone thinks you're just a magically-animated prop, so there isn't even any unpleasant screaming to deal with.

One day, the exterminators are speeding to a house call when an adorable little kid on a tricycle starts to cross the street in the middle (in the middle, in the middle, in the middle, in the middle) of the block. He's not using his eyes to look out, or his ears to hear -- he's just licking a lollipop and slowly making his way across the road. Even worse, he's followed by a cute little kitten and a whole line of baby ducks!

The van screeches to a halt, the driver twisting the wheel to avoid hitting the aggressive display of fragile cuteness. You fall off the van as it whips around in a bootlegger's stop, burning rubber as it spins around to end up facing you. You look up and see that the toddler, the kitten, and the baby ducks all made it safely across the street. Just as you're breathing a sigh of relief, the driver's foot slips off of the van's brake and onto the accelerator.

There's a very loud, very unpleasant crunching noise, and that's about the last thing you hear.


Occurs upon selecting "Try and get a job" during A Meta-Metamorphosis.

References