Wolfman

Wolfman
Monster ID	200
Locations	The Spooky Forest
Hit Points	2
Attack	3
Defense	2
No-Hit	13
Initiative	50
Meat	8-12
Phylum	dude
Elements	None
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	arm, head, leg, tail, torso
Drops None
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting a wolfman

Deep within the Spooky Forest, you are attacked by the Wolfman.

Perhaps you can defeat him by kicking him in the nards. That's right. Wolfman's got nards.

Hit Message(s):

He kicks you in the nards. Yup, this is a Soviet Russian wolfman. If you're female, just assume you have a jar of nards in your backpack. And that you have a backpack. Ow!

He bounces a basketball off of your <arm>, which is just absurd. I mean, whoever heard of a wolfman playing basketball? Ooh!

Critical Hit Message:

He rears back his head, barks at the moon. You listen in awe and you hear him bite you in the <skull> while clawing you in the <arse>. Looks like he found who he was looking for. Ouch!

Miss Message(s):

He tries to claw you, but you kick him sqwah in the nards. He doubles over in pain as you double over in sympathetic pain.

He starts to clobber you, then remembers he's needed at his little house on the prairie. Er, that is, the Nearby Plains.

Fumble Message:

He tries to go for your jugular, but ends up accidentally kicking himself in his own nards. You wince sympathetically. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You gain 8-12 Meat

You gain 1 <substat>.

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Occurs at The Spooky Forest.

References

• "Wolfman's got nards" is a joke from the 1987 film The Monster Squad. In one scene, Horace (the fat kid) is cornered by the Wolfman, and another kid suggests kicking him in the crotch. Much to the surprise of Horace (who had argued in an earlier scene that the Wolfman didn't have gonads), this works, prompting him to exclaim "Woah, Wolfman's got nards!"
• The joke about a wolfman playing basketball is a reference to the Michael J. Fox movie Teen Wolf, in which Fox plays a teenage werewolf who plays on his highschool's basketball team.
• The attack text which claims he's needed at his "little house on the prairie" refers to two roles held by actor Michael Landon: the television series Little House on the Prairie and the movie I Was a Teenage Werewolf.
• The "Soviet Russian wolfman" attack text refers to the trademark jokes of Yakov Smirnoff, which would go, in this context, as follows. "In America, you kick wolfman in nards. In Soviet Russia, wolfman nard-kicks you!"
• The critical hit message refers to the famous Ozzy Osbourne song "Bark at the Moon": "Then when he's found who he's looking for / listen in awe and you'll hear him / bark at the moon"