Witty pirate

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Witty pirate
Monster ID 629
Locations The Poop Deck
Hit Points 110
Attack 120
Defense 108
No-Hit 130
Initiative 50
Meat 68-102
Phylum pirate
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
silver tongue charrrm, witty rapier
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
witty pirate You're fighting a witty pirate

This pirate is the master of the devastating put-down, the well-timed quip, and the exquisite bon mot. He always has a witty rejoinder for every situation, is never at a loss for words, and can monopolize the conversation at any dinner party, captivating all with his witty commentary on the world as he sees it.

Which means, of course, that he's one of the most despised pirates on the Eleven Seas. Nobody likes a smart-ass.

Hit Message(s):

He says, "you're the Platonic ideal -- a real caveman," and kicks you in the shins. Argh! Oof! Ow!

He says, "you could write a book about this fight -- a real roman á cleft!" and splits your head open with his rapier. Oof! Argh! Ugh!

He says, "here's a knuckle sandwich, with relish!" and hits you, smiling broadly at his bon mot. Eek! Ouch! Oof!

He says, "if you're looking to go mano a mano, I'll defeat you handily," and smacks you upside the head. Ugh! Ow! Ouch!

Critical Hit Message:

He finally notices that his witty one-liners aren't really doing much damage, and decides to let his witty rapier do the fighting for a while. The sword is as sharp as the witty pirate's wit -- which is pretty darn sharp. Ouch! Oof! Argh!

Miss Message(s):

He wittily compares you to a character in an obscure classical novel, but you're not widely read enough to be offended.

He's too busy revelling in his own wit to attack this round.

He throws at another witty bon mot, but it doesn't hurt you - he should have stuck with sticks and stones.

He wittily insults you, but it goes right over your head.

Fumble Message:

He throws out another witty insult, but this time you respond "oh yeah? Well, your MOM!" He stares at you, jaw open, unable to respond. Looks like the only way to beat a witty opponent is with a thoroughly dumb retort. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 68-102 Meat (average: 85, stdev: 7.34)*
Tonguecharm.gifYou acquire an item: silver tongue charrrm (9.5% chance)*
Rapier.gifYou acquire an item: witty rapier (9.7% chance)*
You gain 30 <substat>.

Occurs at The Poop Deck.


  • The hit message about Platonic ideals is a reference to Plato's "Allegory of the Cave".
  • The mano a mano hit message is a reference to the fact that the phrase means "hand to hand," and thus has nothing to do with the idea of single combat.