White chocolate golem

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White chocolate golem
Monster ID 67
Locations Whitey's Grove
Hit Points 21
Attack 37
Defense 32
No-Hit 47
Initiative 70
Meat None
Phylum construct
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts arm, head, leg, torso
white chocolate chips, White Chocolate Golem Seeds
Pickpocket mother's secret recipe
Manuel White Chocolate Golem Seeds
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
white chocolate golem You're fighting a white chocolate golem

This is a golem made of white chocolate. White chocolate is neither white nor chocolate. Discuss.

Hit Message(s):

It hits you with one chalky, slightly sweet fist. Hits you square in the <thigh>. Ugh! Ow!

It coats you with a layer of white sticky sweetness, which doesn't resemble chocolate in the slightest. Argh! Ouch!

It pummels you with white chocolate fists. That's a pretty weak attack description, but c'mon. It's white chocolate. How many interesting things can it do? Ooh! Ugh!

It assaults you with a sleazy attack. Who knew it was sexual chocolate? Ouch! Argh! Ouch! (sleaze damage)

Critical Hit Message:

It stops attacking and polishes its white chocolate head from an unimpressive gray to a gleaming white. The glare blinds you as its fists pummel you. Argh! Oof!

Miss Message(s):

It tries to hit you with its chalky, slightly sweet fists, but you cut and run.

It shoots a layer of white sticky sweetness at you, but you jump aside and stand there, thoroughly skeeved out.

It tries to sleazily assault you, but it's not sexual chocolate.

It tries to pummel you with its fists, but misses. That's a pretty weak description, I know, but white chocolate just isn't that interesting.

Fumble Message:

It starts to pummel you yet again, but is attacked by a nearby dark chocolate golem. They beat each other until they're both tired out. You feel vaguely as if all this should have some social significance, but it's not that kind of game. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Chips.gifYou acquire an item: white chocolate chips (50.8% chance)*
Chips.gifYou acquire an item: White Chocolate Golem Seeds (?? chance)*
You gain 9-10 <substat>.

Occurs at Whitey's Grove.



  • The intro text is a reference to the "Coffee Talk" sketch from Saturday Night Live, where host Linda Richman (played by Mike Myers) would give guests insipid topics along the lines of "the Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire. Discuss."
  • The usage of the term "sexual chocolate" in one of the golem's attacks, could be a reference to one of Eddie Murphy's movies Coming to America. In the movie, Randy Watson; as played by Murphy, performs a unique cover of "The Greatest Love of All" in a church with his fictional band Sexual Chocolate. Watson ends his performance by calling out "Sexual Chocolate!" and walking off stage.
  • As white chocolate contains cocoa butter but not cocoa solids, it is not legally classed as chocolate in the US, but is in Europe due to differing legal definitions.