Whiny pirate

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Whiny pirate
Monster ID 628
Locations The Poop Deck
Hit Points 110
Attack 120
Defense 108
No-Hit 130
Initiative 50
Meat 64-96
Phylum pirate
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
bilge wine
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
whiny pirate You're fighting a whiny pirate

This pirate doesn't wanna swab the decks. He doesn't wanna trim the sails. He always has to do all the hard jobs, and none of the other pirates will help him. He wants to be the captain, and he should have been made the captain, but no one ever listens to him.

He also doesn't wanna get hit in the face, but his attitude makes that outcome all but a certainty.

Hit Message(s):

He whines, "I don't wanna beat the crap out of you! Okay, fine, here," and smacks you in the <throat>. Eek! Argh! Ow!

He whines that he doesn't wanna clean barrrnacles off the hull, and flings his barrnacle pliers in your face. Ugh! Argh! Ooh!

He whines, "I don't wanna polish the cannonballs!" and drops one on your foot. Oof! Ooh! Argh!

He throws a tantrum and stomps his foot down on the deck. And by "the deck," I mean, "your foot." Ugh! Ooh! Ooh!

Critical Hit Message:

He throws a full-on, foot-stomping, ground-throwing, flailing, screaming, crying tantrum. You stand back and watch, but get hit by the occasional foot, fist, and hook. Argh! Ooh! Ooh!

Miss Message(s):

He whines, "I don't wanna beat the crap out of you!" Which, all things considered, is fine by you.

He whines that he doesn't wanna attack you, which suits you just fine.

He whines that he doesn't wanna polish the cannonballs. You tell him you don't care if he does or not.

He throws a tantrum, but you remember your Dr. Spock and ignore him until he's done.

Fumble Message:

He starts whining again, but you threaten to pull the ship over and give him a spanking in front of all the other pirates. He seems oddly intrigued by the idea, so you back off. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 64-96 Meat (average: 80, stdev: 6.93)*
Wine.gifYou acquire an item: bilge wine (29.4% chance)*

Occurs at The Poop Deck


  • A miss message is a reference to Dr. Benjamin Spock, who wrote a book on child development.
  • This may also reference the episode of the show "Seinfeld" entitled "The Puffy Shirt" in which Jerry says "I don't wanna be a pirate!"