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Maximizing All Your Stats At Once

There doesn't seem to be a convenient way (Mafia, the wiki, whatever) to figure out items that maximize all your stats at once. So, here is a partial list. Afterwards there is a list of disclaimers. Some things were omitted on purpose. Some things have stat requirements, and/or are expensive. Others are not tradeable, or not conveniently tradeable. Look before buying if you don't have something already. In general, the assumption is that you are in aftercore.


Clothing of Loathing: 128%
Raiments of the Final Boss: 50%
Violent Vestments: 15%
Hateful Habiliment: 15%

These figures assume you have all of the outfit pieces. May or may not be the best or most cost-efficient option, depending on your base stats and what you can equip.


Flaskfull of Hollow is pretty much always worth using if you reach a point where you need more stats and gear is not enough. Other items which give Smithsness may be worth considering, particularly if you do not meet the stat requirements for better gear.


intimidating coiffure: 25%
Hodgman's porkpie hat: 20%
Nanorhino or BRICKO chick in Crown of Thrones: 10%
Helm of the Scream Emperor: 5%
Baron von Ratsworth's tophat, outrageous sombrero, chrome helmet turtle, various ComicCon promo hats: 5
Dolphin King's crown, pixel hat: 2

Back Items

Cloak of Dire Shadows: 5%
Great S-Cape: 5


Letterman's jacket: 10%
Star shirt: 5
"Humorous" T-shirt: 4
Wumpus-hair sweater: 3
White hat hacker T-shirt: 2
Anniversary safety glass vest: 1


Hodgman's whackin' stick, Super-sweet boom box: 20%
papier-mâchéte: 15%
papier-mâchine gun: 15%
White Dragon Fang: 9%
Sword of Dark Omens: 5%
elevenderizing hammer: 11 Bucket of anniversary lard: 1
Ocarina of space (two handed, you can't wear an off-hand with this): 4
Drywall axe (two handed, you can't wear an off-hand with this): 2, 3%

Off-hand Items

Hodgman's imaginary hamster: 20%
Card sleeve with an Alice's Army Foil Horseman inserted: 15%
antique spyglass: 10%
Card sleeve with an Alice's Army Horseman inserted: 5%
Shield of Icy Fate: 5%
Chalice of the Malkovich Prince: 4%
bobble-hip hula elf doll, Easter egg balloon, Oyster egg balloon: 5
Mr. Balloon, Gnauga hide buckler, Painted shield: 3


Sugar shorts: 30%
Hodgman's lobsterskin pants: 20%
Cane-mail pants: 10%
Greaves of the Murk Lord: 5%
Duct tape dockers: 6
Liar's pants: 5


Hodgman's bow tie: 20%
Fossilized necklace: 15% and 10 (assumes you have maxed out the number of teeth)
ornamental sextant: 15%
Juju Mojo Mask: 10%
Belt of Howling Anger: 5%
Boots of Twilight Whispers: 5%
Gauntlets of the Blood Moon: 5%
Dead guy's memento, Lucky bottlecap: 5%
Mr. Accessory, Golden Mr. Accessory, Ms. Accessory, plastic vampire fangs: 15
elevennis shoes: 11 War medals: 5-11
blackberry galoshes, pirate fledges: 7
Mr. Accessory Jr., shiny hood ornament, Tiny plastic Susie: 5
Jewelry made from elemental gems, severed rocking horse head, shiny ring, Talisman o' Namsilat, tiny plastic strand of DNA: 3

Custom items and rare (or rare-ish) things like rainbow pearl jewelry and radio prizes are not on this list. Ditto items that came from convention promos (unless there are few or no other options in that slot), or stuff that is old/expensive/unobtainable now and has newer and cheaper replacements. Also I didn't bother with +1 and other low-bonus gear when better options were available. If your stats are very low you may wish to consult the Dressing For Success pages for individual stats to see other options. The general assumption is that you are in aftercore.

Don't forget that you can dual wield if you have the proper Seal Clubber skill, and that if you have a Disembodied Hand it can wield a 1-handed weapon and improve your stats.

Variable things like the moonthril gear you get from The Isotope Smithery and Baios were deliberately omitted. For buffs, you're on your own.

If I left something else out that isn't covered by the above disclaimers, feel free to poke me in game.

Effect Extenders (see new Effect Duration page)

See Effect Duration.

What the Zombie Slayer Familiars Do in the CoT

Get tired of looking up what these familiars can do in the Crown of Thrones? Me too.

Disembodied Hand: cannot be enthroned.
Ghost Pickle on a Stick: +5 familiar weight; restores 8-10 HP for the first 3 rounds of combat.
Ghuol Whelp: restore 2-8 HP and MP per adventure; does 15-25 stench damage 30% of the time.
Gluttonous Green Ghost: +15% food drops; drops burritos.
Hovering Skull: +2 moxie stats per fight; does sleaze damage (unknown frequency).
Hovering Sombrero: +2 mysticality stats per fight; does 15-25 spooky damage in combat.
Jill-O-Lantern: +2 moxie stats per fight; restores 8-10 HP for the first 3 rounds of combat.
Misshapen Animal Skeleton: +5 familiar weight; gives 5-15 meat and does 20-40 spooky damage for the first 3 rounds of combat.
Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: all attributes +10; restores 10-15 HP and 8-10 MP for the first 3 rounds of combat.
Reagnimated Gnome: minor deleveling; does some spooky damage? This seems to be unknown.
Reassembled Blackbird & Reconstituted Crow: +10% item drops; sometimes they bring blackberries.
Scary Death Orb: +15% mysticality; restores 5-6 MP for the first 3 rounds of combat.
Spirit Hobo: +15% booze drops; drops 5-15 meat for the first 3 rounds of combat.
Spooky Pirate Skeleton: +5 familiar weight; stuns opponent 30% of the time.