The Precinct

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The Precinct
The Precinct

You enter precinct station and take in that smell of paperwork, gun oil, bad coffee and stale cigarettes endemic to every police station in the world. There's a pile of homicide reports stacked up on your desk, tall enough to be in danger from the ceiling fan.

On the wall, there's a whiteboard tracking the detectives' current standings, and a sign that says "Detective of the Week award coming next week." Guess you'd better start cracking those cases, if you want to see your name on a shiny brass plaque. Or if you want to earn enough dough to buy something to drink other than the aforementioned bad coffee.

Without a badge in inventory:

"Hey, Detective!" says the officer working the front desk. "You went and left your badge here the other day. Don't lose it!" He tosses it to you.

Dbadge1.gifYou acquire an item: plastic detective badge


Dbadge2.gifYou acquire an item: bronze detective badge


Dbadge3.gifYou acquire an item: silver detective badge


Dbadge4.gifYou acquire an item: gold detective badge

First visit of the day (or ascension):

"Morning, Detective," says the station quartermaster, handing you a small envelope. "Here's your daily stipend for case-related expenses."

Copdollar.gifYou acquire 3 cop dollars

With cop dollars in pension, after freeing the King:

All the cops in the station congratulate you on finally earning your pension, and sing "For He Or She's a Jolly Good Detective".

Copdollar.gifYou acquire some cop dollars

Take a case (3 more cases today)

You pull up to the scene of the crime -- another fancy mansion in the rich part of town. You'd think the city would run out of rich people eventually, but I guess they keep making more of 'em.

At the front door, the Officers Chaps (two brothers, Matt and Mike) tell you that the victim is named <Victim Name>, and hand you a dossier outlining the suspects that are being detained within the mansion.

"Cause of death?" you ask.

"He was murdered with an egg, Detective."

"Another egg murder, eh? This is getting to be a real problem."

"Also, a lot of these suspects are huge liars, Detective."

You sigh. "Why can't it ever be easy? All right boys, I'll handle it from here. Keep an eye out for the press." You pull out your notepad and head in the front door.


Visit the quartermaster

Look at the detectives leaderboard


Occurs at the Wrong Side of the Tracks.


  • Accessible after using a Detective school application
  • The badge you get on the first visit per ascension is whichever one you had before jumping the astral gash. If you've never visited the precinct before, it will be a plastic badge.
  • Being on the top of the detectives leaderboard gets you 100 cop dollars and a congratulatory message from Commissioner Hendricks:
Detective <name> --

Congratulations on solving all of those egg murders. You are a credit to the force, and in your honor we are engraving your name on a plaque and hanging it on the office wall for a week. We are also giving you a pay bonus of 100 Cop Dollars. I would warn you not to spend them all in one place, but in fact there is only one place you can spend them. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely, Commissioner Hendricks

100 cop dollars added to your pension.


  • The Officers Chaps are a reference to Matt and Mike Chapman, aka The Brothers Chaps, creators of Homestar Runner.
    • The Egg Murders reference the Brothers Chaps' Flash game Where's An Egg?, in which you play a Russian police officer searching for a stolen egg. The questioning process is similar to investigating cases for The Precinct, but you accuse people by shooting them, and you win if you shoot the person with the egg.