The Mad Tea Party

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Verify when new hats are released: Coming Up Roses (29 characters)

The Mad Tea Party
The Mad Tea Party

You walk up to the giant tea-party table. There are plenty of empty seats, but the Hatter grabs your elbow before you can sit down.

"The rabbit told me you'd be late, but I didn't think it'd be this late!" he says. "I'm afraid there's no room, no room at all. It's a pity, because all kinds of wonderful things can happen at a tea party, and you'll never know. There's just no room."


Try to get a seat
  • Without a hat on:

You walk up to the giant tea-party table. There are plenty of empty seats, but the Hatter grabs your elbow before you can sit down.

"I'm sorry, but there's a very strict dress code for this party, and I'm going to have to ask you to leave," he says. "You're practically naked!"

"What? I didn't hear anything about a dress code," you say.

"Oh, well, in that case, I'll just see how many parts of you I can cut off and keep you alive," the Hatter says.

"Oh, a dress code! Sure, I get it. I'll come back a little more suitably attired," you say, and go off to figure out what the HATTER wants you to wear.

  • With a hat on, gives one of the following effects depending on the number of non-whitespace characters in the hat you are wearing:
Tea Cup
Text by
char count
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30+

Slouch away

You decide it's not worth even the minimal effort it'd take to convince the Hatter to seat you, and you slouch off, muttering under your breath.

Buffs

The following chart specifies how many characters must be in the hat's name for the player to receive certain buffs.

  • Spaces between words are not counted.
  • Punctuation (including HTML-encoded entities) is counted (e.g. topeé gives the 12-character buff because the full name is topeé).

See hats for a list of all hats and their character counts.

Chars Buff Effect
5* or less Assaulted with Pepper Monster Level +20
6 Three Days Slow Familiar Experience +3
7 Cat-Alyzed Moxie +10
8 Anytwo Five Elevenis? Muscle +10
9 Coated Arms Weapon Damage +15
10 Smoky Third Eye Mysticality +10
11 Full Bottle in front of Me Spell Damage +30%
12 Thick-Skinned Maximum HP +50
13 20-20 Second Sight Maximum MP +25
14 Slimy Hands +10 Sleaze Damage
15 Bottle in front of Me Spell Damage +15
16 Fan-Cooled +10 Cold Damage
17 Ginger Snapped +10 Spooky Damage
18 Egg on your Face +10 Stench Damage
19 Pockets of Fire +10 Hot Damage
20 Weapon of Mass Destruction Weapon Damage +30%
21 Orchid Blood Regenerate 5-10 MP per Adventure
22 Dances with Tweedles +40% Meat from Monsters
23 Patched In Mysticality +20%
24 You Can Really Taste the Dormouse +5 to Familiar Weight
25 Turtle Titters +3 Stat Gains from Fights
26 Cat Class, Cat Style Moxie +20%
27 Surreally Buff Muscle +20%
28 Quadrilled +20% Items from Monsters
30+ Oleaginous Soles +40% Combat Initiative
†-Number of non-space characters
* The 5-character hat buff was found when the 4-dimensional fez was first added during the third Twitch stream. The placeholder name was [fez], counting as 5 characters.
Wearing a 5-or-less-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- The Duchess!" The Hatter leads you to a chair next to very small woman dressed in royal finery, with a wimple atop her very, very large head. Seriously. We're talking Easter Island, here.

"Uh," you say, "could you pass the gigantic cranium -- tea! I mean, tea!"

"S'terrible tea," the Duchess replies. "Not enough pepper in it!" She fills your cup, then produces a pepper shaker almost as big as her freakishly enormous head.

"Um, sure," you reply, snatching your cup up before she can pepper it. "So, how about that local sports team?" you ask, desperate to fill the awkward silence.

"They're terrible," the Duchess says, bringing her gigantic face close to your ear to whisper, "not enough pepper. That's the problem."

"Right, right," you say. "Um, say! You have lovely enormous facial fea -- er, lovely hair! What's your secret?"

"Pepper, of course!" the Duchess shouts, and clouts you upside the head with her gigantic pepper mill. Then she treats you to a face and head full of freshly ground pepper.

This adventure was brought to you by the Pepper Council. Pepper: Gesundheit!™

Blpepper.gifYou acquire an effect: Assaulted with Pepper
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 6-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the Dormouse!"

The Hatter gives you a brisk shove and you topple into a chair in front of a teapot. It's a pretty ordinary teapot, except that it's snoring. Also, on closer inspection, it has a tail sticking out of the spout. You're sure you'd remember if that were in the song -- "This is my handle, this is my spout, and this is the scaly little tail sticking out of it" would wreck the rhyme scheme, and doesn't even begin to scan properly.

Anyway, after a while the lid of the teapot opens a crack and two bleary eyes peer out at you.

Hiccuping drunkenly, the Dormouse sings:

"*Hic* Twinkle twinkle, little tart

How I wonder where thou art

You were shtolen by a knave

Wherefore art thou? (Burma Shave)"

"Wow," you say, "that must be some pretty strong tea you're drinking."

"Sh'not the tea," the Dormouse says, sleepily. "The Duchessh, there on your right, is drinking Slow Gin."

"Don't you mean Sloe Gin, with an 'e'?" you reply.

"No, I mean Slow Gin, and my name'sh not 'Withany.' When people drink Shlow Gin, it makesh any shmall animalsh nearby experience time at 1/3rd normal speed. I have to mainline vodka jusht to shtay shane."

"That sounds pretty cool," you say. You turn to the Duchess and beg a few sips of the Slow Gin. It tastes like juniper berries, temporal distortion, and pepper -- that last one's probably the Duchess's fault.

Watch.gifYou acquire an effect: Three Days Slow
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 7-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the Cheshire Cat!" The Hatter gives you a shove and you tumble into a chair next to a big, fat, pink-and-purple-striped cat. "Now make some pleasant conversation," the Hatter says, his eyes gleaming, "or I'll have to chop your hands off and make you eat them!"

"Wow," you say to the cat, "that is one mad Hatter."

"Mad?" the cat replies. "We're all mad, here. Take me, for instance. I'm a cat, but I love lasagna! And I hate Mondays, even though I don't have a job or, really, any responsibilities whatsoever!"

"Well, I admit that's pretty mad," you say, "but I'm not mad."

"Aren't you?" the cat says. "You've been sitting here listening to a cat talk. Cat's can't talk! How do you know this isn't all in your mind? You must look pretty pathetic to anyone who's watching."

You ponder what the cat said, and conclude that if the cat can't talk, then it couldn't have pointed out how pathetic you are. Contrariwise, if the cat can talk, then the whole basis of its argument is faulty. Ergo, the opposite of what the cat said is true: you must be totally awesome.

Blackcat2.gifYou acquire an effect: Cat-Alyzed
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing an 8-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the Red Queen!" The Hatter grabs your elbow and steers you over to a tiny woman with a crown, a sceptre, and a face rapidly turning red with rage.

"Good afternoon, your majesty," you say.

"Off with your head!" the Queen shouts.

"Um, it doesn't come off," you say. "It's attached. How about my hat? I can take that off, no problem."

"Ah, yes, that's much better!" the Queen says, smiling. "Far less mess that way! Say, would you like to join us for a game of tennis?"

"Don't you play croquet with the flamingos and the hedgehogs and whatnot?" you say. "That always seemed so delightfully absurd!"

"Oh, no, it's tennis now. Only for racquets, we use Shetland Ponies, and the ball's a jar of fluffernutter!"

You join the Queen for a game, since she'd probably change her mind about your decapitation if you refused. Your racquet keeps trying to eat the ball, but you manage to win a few sets. Everyone cheers, and you feel pretty buff, too; swinging a pony around by its tail is quite the workout.

Hobbyhorse.gifYou acquire an effect: Anytwo Five Elevenis?
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 9-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- The Knave of Hearts!" The Hatter directs you to a seat next to a roguish-looking young man with a patch on one eye. This place being what it is, you're relieved it's just a regular eyepatch, not a fabric patch that's been sewn (or *gulp* ironed) on.

"Um, howdy, Knave. What's up?" you say.

"Oh, let's not be too formal; call me 'Jack,'" he replies. He points to two pretty ladies sitting to his left. "This here's Lilly, and this is Rosemary. They're with me."

You nod and wave. "So, what brings you to the Hatter's place today?" you ask.

"Oh, I'm just here to steal some tarts," Jack says. He follows your gaze, and laughs. "No, not them. These."

He pulls out a plate of pastries, each with a familiar type of masochistic command written on it. A few say "Eat Me," some say "Drink Me," and one particularly off-putting one says "Call Me a Dirty Slut."

"Well, I guess we've taken that joke as far as we can take it," you say, and then see one that says, "Rub Me On Your Weapon."

Okay, that's a new one. You smear the pastry on your weapon, and it grows bigger and more menacing.

Jack sees your gasp of surprise and chuckles. "I know what you're thinking," he says, "and it only works on weapons, okay?"

Nicesword.gifYou acquire an effect: Coated Arms
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 10-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the Caterpillar!" The Hatter grabs your elbow and sits you next to a giant, vaguely anthropomorphic caterpillar, who is smoking a gigantic hookah.

"Hey," you say, "could we make this table a No-Smoking Zone? I mean, second-hand smoke is hazardous to your health. If you want to poison yourself, that's fine, but I --"

"You?" the caterpillar asks, opening its eyes wide. "Who -- are -- YOU?" Then he blows purple smoke right in your face. Man, what a jerk!

Woah, man -- have you noticed how totally awesome everything is? It's like, everything's totally deeply meaningful, man, and you can see how reality is, like, just a mask on top of the, like, real real world! Duuuude.

Zomboeye.gifYou acquire an effect: Smoky Third Eye
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing an 11-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the Dodo!" The Hatter steers you over to a chair next to a very peculiar-looking bird. I mean, any bird wearing plaid pants and a vest is going to look peculiar, sure, but this bird isn't just any bird; it looks like an ostrich that's been stepped on by an elephant (er, I mean, it looks like an ostrich that's been vertically compressed, not like a giant explosion of blood and guts).

"So, uh," you say, a little unnerved by the bird's unblinking stare, "some party, huh?"

"Meh, it's all right," the Dodo replies, clicking its beak. "It hasn't really kicked into high gear yet. Like I always say: eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may be hunted to extinction." The dodo pulls back its waistcoat, revealing a row of bottles tucked into loops in the fabric. "Here, one of these will get you in the proper party spirit in no time."

You peruse the bottles. They've got the same creepy labels you're used to seeing here: some say "Drink Me," some slightly more desperate ones say "Guzzle Me," and one disturbing one says "Slap Me Around a Little, I Don't Mind, Just Hold Me Afterwards."

Finally, you see one that says, "Contemplate Me," and decide that's the safest route to go. You close your eyes and picture the bottle floating in space in front of you. Octarine light streams through the imaginary bottle, illuminating the hidden crannies of your mind, amplifying your natural magical talent.

See, now, that was way more fulfilling than slapping around that other bottle.

Wine.gifYou acquire an effect: Full Bottle in front of Me
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 12-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the White Knight!" The Hatter sits you down next to a kindly-looking old man wearing a rusty suit of armor. He nods at you, pleasantly if a bit absent-mindedly, and continues chewing on a sandwich made of a tart and his own gigantic moustache.

As you reach for a cup of tea, though, there's some kind of brou-ha-ha (or possibly a kerfluffle) at the far end of the table, obscured by smoke from the caterpillar's hookah. The Knave of Hearts come racing out of the smoke, brandishing a wicked double-headed axe. He stops in front of the White Knight.

"Sorry, old fellow," the Knave says, "but the Queen says it's either your head or mine."

The White Knight just nods serenely, so the Knave hauls off and swings full-force at the Knight's kneck, before you have a chance to scream, "Wait! These clothes are dry-clean only!"

KAWAAAANG! The Knave's axe bounces off the Knight's neck. Vibration travels up the axe and rattles the Knave's teeth. "Whu-whu-whu . . . oh, well. Sorry, Mom, I tried!" The Knave stammers, and heads back to his end of the table. The Knight resumes chewing on his moustache as if nothing had happened.

"Okay, I give," you say, "how did you do that?"

The Knight reaches under his breastplate and pulls out a little vial. "I use this unguent," he says. "It's my own invention. I was trying to cure my sensitive skin, you see, and may have over-corrected. Care to try some?"

You look at the vial and, of course, it says "Rub Me All Over" on it. Gah. Despite your better judgment, you comply with the bottle's instruction.

Balm.gifYou acquire an effect: Thick-Skinned
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 13-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- The White Knight!" The Hatter leads you to a seat next to a kindly-looking old gentleman wearing rusty armor, a gigantic moustache, and a slightly bewildered expression. He's busily eating a watercress and inadvertent moustache sandwich, but looks up when you sit down.

"Well met, fellow knight-errant!" he says, smiling. "Oh, I'm sorry, I've completely forgotten my manners." He takes off his helmet, and you see he's got some kind of shiny, quarter-sized disc stuck to the middle of his forehead.

"I think you've misplaced your monocle, sir Knight," you say.

"What? Oh, this! No, no, this is a little something of my own invention. You may have heard of contact lenses, which increase one's capacity for sight, yes?"

"Right," you say, "but usually, you wear them over your eyes."

"Precisely!" The Knight says, chuckling. "But this, you see, enhances your capacity for magic, so you wear it over your third eye."

"Huh. Does it work?" you say, as you think, "BONG! CUCKOO! BONG! CUCKOO!"

"It works wonderfully," the White Knight replies, "though I do find that prolonged wear makes your third eye scratchy and bloodshot, metaphorically speaking. Here, try one. It'll fall off in a few turns, but that's probably all the longer you should wear it, anyway."

The Knight pulls out another of the little discs, pours a little tea over it, and sticks it on your forehead. Well, that was pointless -- woah. Huh. Who knew?

Glasseye.gifYou acquire an effect: 20-20 Second Sight
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 14-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- The Walrus and the Carpenter!" The Hatter leads you to a seat next to an enormous walrus, and a guy wearing sawdust-covered overalls. "Hi, guys," you say, "how are you doing?"

"Well, aside from the fact that I seem to have misplaced my bucket, I'm doing quite well, thank you," the Walrus says.

"Oh, I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation," the Carpenter says, beaming. "The Walrus lost his bucket, but we got all of the oysters out of it before it went missing."

"Aw, I love oysters," you say. "You haven't eaten every one yet, have you?"

"Oh, no," the Carpenter replies. "We've only just begun. Won't you join us?"

You grab an oyster from the pile in front of the Carpenter, but every time you pry one open, either the Walrus or the Carpenter snatches it out of your hand and gobbles it up.

Before you know it, the oysters are all gone, and the Walrus is beligerently (sic) accusing people of purloining his bucket. You decide to get while the getting's good, and find somewhere to wash the oyster slime off of your hands.

Glove.gifYou acquire an effect: Slimy Hands
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 15-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the Dodo!"

The Hatter steers you to sit next to a most peculiar looking bird. I mean, it looks like someone took the basic form factor of, say, a chicken, then stretched out the neck, thickened the beak, shortened the wings, and added a plaid vest and matching pants. "Uh, wow," you say, searching for conversational cues, "this party's pretty dull, huh?"

"Well, it beats being hunted to extinction and torn apart by dogs," the Dodo says, cocking one reptilian eye at you.

"I suppose it does, at that," you say. You reach for your cup of tea, but the Dodo puts its little stumpy wing over your hand.

"Don't drink that swill," he says, "try one of these."

He opens his vest, and you see a row of little bottles stuck into loops sewn inside of it. They all conform to this place's creepy labeling system: some say "Drink Me," some say "Swish Me Around in Your Mouth and Spit Me Out," and one says "Stick Your Tongue Down My Throat." You opt for the one that says, "Just Think About Me From Time to Time," as it seems the most sanitary.

You close your eyes and mentally picture the bottle, right down to the little imperfections in the glass. As you do, your imaginary bottle fills with octarine light, illuminating parts of your brain you didn't know existed. You feel magical forces welling inside of you, Tom.

Missingwine.gifYou acquire an effect: Bottle in front of Me
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 16-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the White Rabbit!" The Hatter leads you to an empty seat next to -- well, an empty seat. You twiddle your thumbs for a bit, and finally the White Rabbit shows up, gasping for breath and fanning itself with a little paper fan. "I'm late! I'm late!" he shrieks.

"I think I know what the problem is," you say. "Can I see your pocketwatch?"

The rabbit pulls his watch out of his waistcoat (or 'vest,' for colonials) and hands it to you. "Is it two days slow?" he asks.

"No," you say, "it's just that this isn't a pocketwatch at all. It's a cupcake."

"Oh, how deliciously surreal!" the White Rabbit says. "What a classic example of dream logic, and -- oh. Oh, man."

"What?" you ask.

"Well, if my cupcake's in my vest pocket, that'd explain why breakfast tasted so metallic this morning," the rabbit says. "Well, nothing for it but to wait it out, I guess."

"Wow," you say, "that's all the information I need for now. Thanks."

"No, thank you!" the rabbit says. "If you weren't so observant, I'd have spent the next couple of days running around with a cupcake in my pocket. Here, take my fan; these are cheap little things, and they fall apart fairly quickly, but they really do cool you off."

You take the rabbit's fan and wave it in front of your face. An arctic blast of air freezes your sweat and turns your arms into a mass of goosebumps. Nifty!

Palmfan.gifYou acquire an effect: Fan-Cooled
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 17-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the White Rabbit!" The Hatter leads you to an empty chair next to -- well -- another empty chair. "Drat it all!" the Hatter shouts. "He's late again!"

"I guess that's to be expected, from what I hear of the White Rabbit," you reply.

"And I thought killing him and stuffing him with sawdust would teach him a lesson," the Hatter says, "but there's no reasoning with people. No reasoning at all!"

The Hatter stomps off, leaving you by yourself at the table. You sample a few different kinds of tea: there's the Earl Grey, the Duke Mauve, the Marquis Aquamarine, and the Viceroy Ecru, and they all pretty much taste like a bundle of sticks in hot water.

You forget the tea and move on to the little cakes. The upside-down cake makes you dizzy, the shortbread won't reach your mouth, and the pound cake bruises your knuckles before you manage to subdue it.

You finally settle on the gingerbread, which is a lot more gentle. It tastes fine, but afterward, you catch sight of your reflection in your saucer and -- gasp! Your hair's turned orange! Your skin is as pale as bone! You're absolutely covered in freckles! Aieeee!

Dragonsnaps.gifYou acquire an effect: Ginger Snapped
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing an 18-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- Humpty Dumpty!" The Hatter leads you to a seat away from the main table, next to the wall surrounding the garden. There's some kind of freakish abomination perched atop the wall -- it's like someone got into a teleporter pod and didn't notice there was a hard-boiled egg in the pod on the other end.

The bizarre egg-man hybrid looks down at you disdainfully. "Goo goo ga joob," he says.

"Um, good afternoon to you, too, sir," you say, hoping the fright and disgust you're feeling don't show on your face.

"Hrmph!" Humpty Dumpty replies. "When I say, 'goo goo ga joob,' I mean, 'stop staring at me or I'll kick the crap out of you!'"

"I'm sorry," you say, "it's just that I've never met someone as egg-stremely handsome as you are."

"What did you say?" Humpty says, his cheeks turning red.

"Uh, I said you're an egg-ceptional specimen, and that's no yolk!" you say, feeling suddenly giddy. "Sorry, I'm scrambling for words to make this go over easy, but omelette you take over now."

"That's it!" Humpty Dumpty shouts, apoplectic. "I'm going to jump down there and beat you!"

Humpty jumps off the wall with a mighty leap, and lands with a resounding SCHPLUT. You decide to split before all the king's horses and men show up.

Egg.gifYou acquire an effect: Egg on your Face
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 19-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- Bill the Lizard!" The Hatter leads you to a seat next to a giant, anthropomorphic lizard. He's wearing denim overalls and a plaid shirt, and he's covered in some kind of black powder.

"Good afternoon, Bill," you say. "What's all over your clothes?"

"It's soot," he says, in a highly questionable cockney accent. "Oi'm a chimney sweep boi trayde, and this eyafternoon, the Whoite Raebbit cowlled me over to sweep aet 'is chimney. So oi goes dan the chimney, only there's some gioyant sheila's -- er, some big girl's -- foot sticking awt the bottom! And chim chim cherie, before oi can say bob's yer uncle, she kicks and oi'm floiyin' through the aya! That heyuge foot stirred up the eshes so much, when she kicked me, it filled me pockets wiv embers!"

"You've got a pocket full of burning embers?" you say. "That sounds even less pleasant than a pocket full of kryptonite."

Bill looks serene. "Nah, oi don't moind," he says. "It keeps me worm. You orta troi it!"

Before you can protest, he scoops some embers out of his pocket and into one of yours (you fill in the details, okay?). You feel your temperature soar, but it doesn't burn -- I guess a sweep is as lucky as lucky can be!

Fire.gifYou acquire an effect: Pockets of Fire
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 20-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- The Knave of Hearts!" The Hatter directs you to a seat next to the Knave, a roguish-looking, dashing young man who is balancing a maid on each knee.

"Greetings!" he says, as you approach. "I'm the Knave of Hearts, or "Jack" to my friends. This is Lilly, and this is Rosemary."

"Hey, aren't you the guy who stole the tarts?" you ask.

Jack shrugs and gestures to his lap. "I know, right? Nah, just kidding. These are the tarts that I stole." He reaches under the table and pulls out a plate full of pastries. "Help yourself."

As usual, they have little off-putting phrases on them. One says "Eat Me," one says "Drink Me," and one says "Spank Me Like A Bad, Bad Donkey." "Um, wow," you say, "I'd love to, but I already ate, and I may never, ever eat again."

"Not quite your speed, eh?" Jack says, grinning. "Well, then, here. You don't have to eat this one to make it work."

He hands you a rather large pastry that says "Break Me Open and Rub My Filling on your Weapon."

"That's -- oddly specific," you say.

"Rosemary made that this morning," Jack says, shrugging. "She's got skills. Whoop!" At that moment, a royal guard leaps from the bushes and grabs the Knave, hauling him away.

You gingerly rub the pastry on your weapon, which glows purple and starts throwing off sparks. It's clearly ready for a fight, leaping in your hand so that you can barely control it.

As you walk off to find a monster to test your weapon on, you think about Rosemary, and think about the law. But most of all, you're thinking about those jacked-up tarts.

Csword.gifYou acquire an effect: Weapon of Mass Destruction
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 21-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to the flowers!" The Hatter leads you past the main table and out to a chair that's sitting by itself next to a flowerbed. You wonder briefly if you've been sent to the Wonderland equivalent of the kids' table, until you hear a thin, reedy voice say, "well, aren't you going to introduce yourself?"

You look in the direction of the voice and see something you'll never be able to unsee: an orchid with a rudimentary humanoid face.

"Um, hi," you say, "I'm %name. I'm an adventurer."

"I'm a wild orchid," the orchid replies.

You don't want to offend the orchid, but then you realize it can't possibly punch you in the face, so you go for it: "I hate to burst your bubble, but you're in a flower bed, not the wild," you say.

"Nah, they don't call me a wild orchid because of where I'm planted," the orchid says, fluttering its petals. "It's because I know how to get freaky. Try some of this on for size."

It uses a leaf like a rudimentary hand, and holds up some pollen.

"I don't know," you say, "the last time I tried something like this, I spent hours trying to imitate a dial tone. I mean, a dial tone! In a couple of years, no one's even going to remember what one of those sounds like!"

"Trust me," the orchid says, "you won't regret it. First one's free."

"Well, in that case . . ." you take a pinch of the pollen, which immediately absorbs through your skin into your bloodstream. It kind of fizzes a little.

Troporchid.gifYou acquire an effect: Orchid Blood
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 22-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to Tweedledum and Tweedledee!" The Hatter points to a seat that's barely visible between the twin bulks of the Tweedles. You walk around the table and try to figure how you can squeeze in without offending them, or hurting yourself. After you've stood staring for a while, Tweedledee turns around.

"If you think we're fat, you're mistaken! We're just big-boned!"

"Contrariwise," Tweedledum says, "if you think we're big-boned, we're just fat!"

"Nohow!" Tweedledee replies. "It's a glandular problem!"

"Contrariwise!" Tweedledum retorts. "It's genetic!"

"Look, I think all you guys need is to eat less and exercise," you say.

"QUITE!" both Tweedles shout, and leap from their chairs. They each grab one of your hands, join their other hands, and drag you with them as they dance around and around in circles.

"Look," you say after a while, panting, "I don't need to dance around in circles. Dance around in circles. Dance around in -- I'm not fat, okay?"

"Nohow!" Tweedledee shouts. "You need a boomerang to put on your belt!"

"Contrariwise," Tweedledum says, "you're so big that when you sit around the house, you sit around the house!"

"All right, fine," you wheeze, "let's go around again."

By the time you finally slip away, you feel like there's a part of you that's never going to stop dancing.

Dance1.gifYou acquire an effect: Dances with Tweedles
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 23-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- The Caterpillar!"

You excuse-me-pardon-me down the table and take your seat next to a gigantic blue caterpillar. The Caterpillar's staring off into space, his eyes unfocused, his expression serene. He's the most relaxed caterpillar you've ever seen, and that's saying something. I mean, given you used to work at a caterpillar day spa and all. You didn't used to work at a caterpillar day spa? Well, then this is most definitely the most relaxed caterpillar you've ever seen.

"Hey," you say, "aren't you usually smoking a hookah, in what may or may not be a subtle reference to activities you can't talk about in a children's book?"

The Caterpillar slowly turns to face you, and blinks a few times before responding. "I used to," he says, "but the Red Queen declared all of her Kingdom a Smoke-Free Zone, on pain of decapitation. So I'm on the patch, now." He lifts one of his legs to show you the bright purple patch stuck there.

"Is that as satisfying as smoking?" you say.

"Well, it wasn't to begin with," the Caterpillar says, "so I upgraded to a patch that's seven hundred times more potent than the hookah. Now, I don't mind so much."

"Wow," you say, "could I try one of those?"

"YOU?" the Caterpillar says, frowning. "WHO -- ARE -- wait, what was I talking about? Here you go."

He peels his patch off and slaps it on your arm. It's like someone's going all Clockwork Orange on your third eye, man. Woah.

Librarycard.gifYou acquire an effect: Patched In
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 24-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- The Dormouse!"

The Hatter grabs your elbow and steers you to a seat in front of a snoring teapot with a tail sticking out of it. "Now, don't forget to make scintillating conversation, or I'll have to ask you to leave, and also decapitate you with a sugar spoon!" the Hatter says, and sits down, glaring at you.

"Um, so, what's up, dormouse?" you say, shrugging. "How're the doors doing?"

The lid of the teapot opens a crack, and two bloodshot eyes peer blearily at you.

"You must be my lucky bat
You shine on me where'er I'm at!
I think of you and I start to squeak
I need your light eight days a week!"

The dormouse sings, then sinks back into the teapot again.

"You simply must have more tea!" the Hatter shouts, and pours from the dormouse's teapot.

"But the dormouse is sitting in there, and I haven't even had any tea yet!" you say.

"Oh," the Hatter says, "well, in that case I'll have to skin you and wear your flesh like an overcoat."

"I'll take the tea," you say. You take a few sips until the Hatter stops glaring at you. It tastes a little like echinacea, with overtones of cinnamon, and a delicate filthy rodent finish.

Dormouse.gifYou acquire an effect: You Can Really Taste the Dormouse
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 25-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the Mock Turtle!" You start to walk toward a turtle on one side of the table, but the Hatter impatiently steers you to the other side, seating you next to a perfectly ordinary-looking middle-aged man.

"Um, I think I'm in the wrong seat," you say.

"Speaking of seats," the man replies, "what's the deal with turtles never sitting down? It's like, man, you're hauling your house around all the time! Take a load off every once in a while!"

"Um, sure," you say. "Could you pass the sugar?"

"And man, what's the deal with turtles always eating lettuce? They're always, 'Cake? No thanks. Give me some more of that lettuce!' Guys, it's just LETTUCE! It's not that great!"

You sigh and roll your eyes. "I get it," you say, "but shouldn't you be the Turtle Mocker, or at least the Mocks Turtles?"

"And what's the deal with that name? Turtle? I mean, seriously, you sound drunk when you say it! And why are they so slow! C'mon, pick up the pace, I've got a plane to catch, here!"

The Mock Turtle spends the next hour or so wearing down your resistance with his turtle-observational humor, until you find yourself laughing at each terrapin-specific joke. Who would have thought perfectly obvious statements about an uninteresting creature could be so knee-slappingly hilarious?

Turtle.gifYou acquire an effect: Turtle Titters
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 26-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- The Cheshire Cat!" The Hatter steers you over to a chair next to a huge, fat, pink-and-purple-striped cat. The Cheshire Cat grins at you. "I can haz moar tea?" he asks, and chuckles to himself.

"Okay, I've been meaning to ask someone this," you say. "How did you cats get so popular? I mean, when I talk like that, everyone calls me a moron and tells me to learn how to spell. But you guys get famous for doing it! How do you do it?"

"A secret: let me tell you one," the Cat says, leaning close. "We don't really talk like that. It's all an act. We use our adorably bad grammar, and people lap it up, and the whole time we're laughing behind their backs. It's totally ironic bad grammar. Get it?"

"I don't think I have the moxie to pull that off," you say. "Can you give me a few pointers?"

The Cat obliges, and shows you the ins and outs of ironic detachment. As you leave the tea party, you notice you've got a little of that stray cat strut in your step.

Tigereye.gifYou acquire an effect: Cat Class, Cat Style
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 27-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the Red Queen!" The Hatter sits you next to a tiny woman with a crown, a sceptre, and a face that's perpetually red with rage.

"Good afternoon, your majesty," you say.

"How dare you speak to me!" the Queen says, apoplectic. "Off with your head!"

"Off with your head, lady," you retort. "I'll bet the only reason you haven't decapitated yourself already is that you're too short to reach!"

There's a sudden silence across the entire tea party table, as every guest gasps in surprise simultaneously. All eyes turn to the Red Queen, who's rapidly turning from red to purple.

Then she stops, smiles, and shakes your hand. "Well played," she says. "You're the first person I've met in this place with an ounce of backbone. Would you care to join me for a game of croquet?"

"What, you mean the delightfully absurd sport where the mallets are flamingos and the balls are hedgehogs? Count me in!" you say.

"Great," the Queen replies. "You can be a wicket."

You spend the next couple of hours bent over backward in an arch, trying to hold still and stay upright while people shoot hedgehogs between your feet and hands. It's not quite what you had in mind, but it's a pretty good workout. And, like most things in the world, it beats getting your head cut off.

Strboost.gifYou acquire an effect: Surreally Buff
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 28-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- the Gryphon!" Though you protest, the Hatter shoves you into a seat next to a most fearsome creature. It has the body of a lion, the head of an eagle, and the wings of a dragon. It's oddly muscular, and it has bright red hair cascading down from its head.

Look, I don't want to bore you with the details of your conversation with the Gryphon. It talks so fast it never lets you get a word in, and mostly it's either self-deprecating stories about being a "D List" mythological creature, or jokes that don't go anywhere and aren't funny.

The only useful thing you get out of the conversation is an introduction to the lobster sitting next to the Gryphon.

The lobster shows you how to dance the Lobster Quadrille. It's not as fun as the Whisky Tango Foxtrot, but it's a close second. You run towards the lobster, leap into the air, and the lobster catches you and holds you high above its head as the music swells to a crescendo.

Even though you get a little dirty dancing, you have the time of your life, and you know no one will ever put you in a corner again. As you leave the tea party, the lovely strains of the Quadrille are still dancing in your head.

Lobster.gifYou acquire an effect: Quadrilled
(duration: 30 Adventures)
Wearing a 30+-character hat

"No room?" you ask. "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!"

The Hatter squints thoughtfully at you. "I like the cut of your jib," he says, "and that means I jib the like of your cut! Er, nevermind. You can sit next to -- me" The Hatter pulls out a chair right next to him, then continues pulling as you sit down, so you fall ass over teakettle to the ground. Then he picks up the teakettle and clucks his tongue at you. "Tut, tut," he says, "you're running a little slow!"

"Yeah, well, you're running a little jerk," you mutter, but the Hatter doesn't hear you.

"You know," he muses, "whenever my watch is running slow, I just open it up and butter the insides. Do you suppose that'd --"

"No!" you say. "Er, I mean, the principle's sound, sure, but people aren't pocketwatches. Maybe we should just butter my heels?"

"Ugh," the Hatter says, "I never eat the heel, or the crusts, if I can help it. But I suppose it's worth a try."

You spread some butter on the bottoms of your feet. It's a little weird, but it's better than having a lunatic try to perform surgery on you with a butter knife.

I guess most things are better than that, come to think of it, but it applies literally in this case.

Insoles.gifYou acquire an effect: Oleaginous Soles
(duration: 30 Adventures)

Occurs at The Rabbit Hole.

Notes

  • Attempting to use this location a second time in one day displays "You've already attended a Tea Party today, and it was weird enough that you're not inclined to attend another one."
  • Currently, there are no hats in the Kingdom that have 1, 2, 3, or 29 non-space characters.
  • You can attend the Tea Party while falling-down drunk.
  • For easy reference, the list of hats includes the number of non-space characters in each hat's name.
  • The Hatter's stylish hat is available nearby.

References

  • This whole place is a reference to the seventh chapter of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, in which Alice meets The Hatter.
  • The Cheshire Cat's statements about lasagna and Mondays allude to Garfield.
  • There is an error in the Red Queen's dialogue, as a fluffernutter is actually a type of sandwich made with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff.
  • For that matter, the Queen that demanded "off with her head!" was the Queen of Hearts, not the Red Queen (who has a different personality entirely).
  • The knave's companions Lily and Rosemary are a reference to the Bob Dylan song "Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts".
  • Octarine is, of course, the color of magic in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series.
  • "I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation," are the lyrics to the chorus of the song "Top of the World" by The Carpenters. "We've only just begun." is a reference to the Carpenters' song "We've Only Just Begun".
  • "The Walrus is beligerently accusing people of purloining his bucket." is a reference to this memetic image of an obese seal, generally mistaken for a walrus.
  • "...welling inside of you, Tom." is likely a subtle reference to Tom Welling's long-awaited appearance on Michael Rosenbaum's "Inside of You" podcast. (It was long-awaited because both had major roles on the television series Smallville, Welling as Clark Kent and Rosenbaum as Lex Luthor.)
  • "Bottle in front of me" refers to the old joke "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
  • "Goo goo ga joob" is, of course, a reference to The Beatles' song "I Am the Walrus".
  • "I guess a sweep is as lucky as lucky can be!" is a reference to the song "Chim Chim Cher-ee" from the 1964 Disney musical film Mary Poppins.
  • "I don't need to dance around in circles. Dance around in circles. Dance around in --" is a reference to the song "Circles" by Soul Coughing.
  • "I can haz moar tea?" and "A secret: let me tell you one" both reference the way lolcats speak.
  • The Gryphon's red hair, habit of talking fast, and self-deprecating stories refer to comedian Kathy Griffin.
  • The "Whisky Tango Foxtrot" dance mentioned in the Lobster Quadrille adventure is the international radio alphabet way of saying "WTF".
  • "Dirty dancing," "the time of your life" and "no one will ever put you in a corner again" are all references to the movie Dirty Dancing.
  • The rhyme beginning with "You must be my lucky bat'" parodies the lyrics of the song Lucky Star by Madonna.
  • The Dormouse's song ending in "(Burma Shave)" is a reference to Burma-Shave's roadside billboard advertizing campaign that ran from 1925 to 1963.
  • The line "Perhaps you should call Room Service and order some!" may be a reference to the Bob Dylan song "Po'Boy", which includes the lyric "...calls down to room service, says send up a room."

See Also