The Last Stand
You stand on the empty battlefield, marvelling at the destruction and carnage all around you. It's a bright, moonslit day without a cloud in the sky -- the entire scene is rendered in unfailing clarity, with high-contrast, sharply-edged shadows. You see a beefy guy in a suit stride through the frat boy's side of the battlefield, puffing on a cigar and harrumphing. From the hippy side, a dazed-looking guy in a bathrobe picks his way through his fallen comrades, a White Canadian held precariously in one hand. They catch sight of each other and advance until they're just a few paces apart. You step closer to hear what's going on.
"Dude, I can't believe all the chaos and destruction you've caused, man!" the hippy guy says. "It's like -- there's just -- I think, if you took a minute to think about it, man, you'd see how totally freakin' evil you are, man!"
The business-suited man laughs, ashes his cigar, and replies, "Come now, Mr. Wisniewski. Do you not see that without me, there would be no one against whom you could rebel? Without culture, there can be no counter-culture. It's safe to say that you created me!"
"Oh yeah?" Wisniewski replies. "Well, if you didn't selfishly hoard all of your wealth, man, there wouldn't be any lower classes! And if you didn't make the world suck so much, dude, we wouldn't have to get stoned all the time and talk about peace and love! In fact, dude, you created me!
The man smirks. "I don't think you know how accurate your words are, Wisniewski. You still haven't figured out that I was the one who urinated on that rug you keep complaining about! Ha ha ha!"
"No way, dude," Wisniewski responds. "I finally remembered -- I peed on that rug! It's so like you bourgeois power-brokers to take credit for the accomplishments of others! Man, I don't want to -- I just think, if you look at it a different way -- there're complications here, man! You've gotta go! You're The Man who keeps everybody down -- uh, man!"
The Man takes off his suit jacket and rolls up his sleeves. "Very well, then," he says. "It'll be a fight to the death for control of the Island. But don't you think the weather's a little inappropriate for a climactic battle royale?" He gestures as if to encompass the bright, clear day, chirping birds, and humming insects.
"Oh, yeah, man, you're right," Wisniewski says. He glances at a nearby Elder Shaman who isn't quite dead yet. She closes her eyes and chants.
Storm clouds fill the sky, roiling and churning. The landscape grows dark, illuminated only by near-constant flashes of lightning, as rain pours from the sky in improbable quantities.
"Much better," the Man says. "All right, you little commie, let's get to it."
You realize this is the culmination of the hours you've spent trying to influence the course of the war. What're you gonna do?
| Attack Wisniewski |
You shake your fist to the heavens and shout at Wisniewski. "Everything you ever told me was a LIE!" you shout, tears and rain mingling on your face.
Wisniewski looks confused. "Um, do I know you, man? I don't think I ever told you anything."
"Wisniewski, you half-wit," the Man growls. "That's just one of those things you have to say before a big, climactic battle. Maybe you were absent on that day of narrative school. Slacker. But look, here's a fresh young adventurer who's all ready to beat your ass. And like I always say, never do something yourself if you can trick some sap into doing it for you."
The Man bows to you and steps off the battle field. Wisniewski rolls up his bathrobe sleeves and pops his neck ominously. "Uh, I am your father, man?" he says.
"Nah," you say. "That one's been done. Let's rumble."
The Big Wisniewski  -- (edit metadata)
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| Attack The Man |
You raise your fists to the heavens and shout at the Man. "You killed my father! Prepare to die!" you shout, tears and rain mingling on your face.
"Ha! I AM your father!" he says, then looks confused. "Nah, that's been done to death. And I only have five fingers, so I didn't kill your father. Try a different climactic battle cliche, will you?"
"Um..." your mind races, but all you can come up with is, "I loved you! Do you hear me? I loved you! And all you ever did was lie to me! You take everything good and twist and corrupt it! All my life all I wanted was for you to love me!"
"Now that's just stupid," the Man says. "I mean, I just met you, kid." He rolls up his sleeves and pops his neck ominously. "What do you say we skip to the part where I beat you senseless?"
The Man  -- (edit metadata)
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Using a flaregun in either battle:
You step back and address This Guy and The Man.
"Well," you say, smirking, "it looks like you two have everything figured out for a climactic battle, don't you? Shouted accusations, thunder, lightning, pouring rain... but you forgot one little thing."
"And what would that be?" the Man says.
"Explosions. Giant explosions in slow motion," you say, and fire your flare gun into the sky. You turn toward the cove and see distant flashes of light from the cannons on a dozen pirate ships. The sky fills with cannonbombs, which are like cannonballs except they have a burning fuse at one end. One lands right next to you. You stare in horror as the fuse burns down, unable to move until the fuse burns down to the bomb itself. You shake yourself into action and run away from the explosion as it erupts from the cannonbomb in billowing, mushrooming, orange-y glory.
Fortunately, it's a slow-motion bomb, magically enchanted to make the ensuing explosion happen so slowly that anyone could just barely outrun it and find shelter. You even have time to pick up the adorable puppy who is staring at the explosion and whimpering. You jump into a nearby ditch and duck and cover, while the puppy voids its bladder on you, then scampers away.
An airship flying the skull and bones rumbles by overhead, dumping an arrrbitrarily huge payload of burning, exploding death onto the entire island. You keep your head low, wishing you had a desk to hide under, and wait until the airship thrums off into the distance. When you emerge from the ditch, both camps and the battlefield look like a post-apocalyptic nightmare (or certain neighborhoods in downtown Detroit).
You find a stub of pencil and a charred piece of paper in the wreckage and write yourself a note. "Note to self: NEVER mess with the pirates. Seriously."
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You win the fight!
Occurs at The Battlefield in the War Hippy Fatigues or Frat Warrior Fatigues if the right conditions have been met.
Notes
- If you approach The Man and The Big Wisniewski in Frat Warrior Fatigues, the title will be "The Last Stand, Bra". If you approach them in War Hippy Fatigues, the title will be "The Last Stand, Man". Both adventures are identical beyond this.
- In Heavy Rains, using the flaregun during the boss fight will do nothing, which means obtaining an Order of the Silver Wossname is impossible on Heavy Rains.
- In Dark Gyffte, using the flaregun during the boss fight also does nothing, which means obtaining an Order of the Silver Wossname is impossible in Dark Gyffte.
- In Fall of the Dinosaurs, using the flaregun during the boss fight likewise does nothing, which means obtaining an Order of the Silver Wossname is impossible in Fall of the Dinosaurs. Attempting to use the flaregun results in this message: "You fire the flaregun into the air, but nothing happens -- looks like the pirates are really, seriously gone."
References
- Both attack messages reference the famous Star Wars scene in which Darth Vader tells Luke, "I am your father."
- The character of Wisniewski, with his bathrobe, White Canadian, and urine-soaked rug, is a reference to Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski (Jeff Bridges), from the movie The Big Lebowski.
- The "you created me!" / "no, you created me!" exchange is a reference to The Joker telling Batman he was created by being dropped into the Axis chemical vat as Jack Napier. Batman responds by telling him Jack Napier killed his parents and created the Batman.
- "You killed my father! Prepare to die!" and The Man's statement that he only has five fingers are both references to the book and movie The Princess Bride, wherein the Spanish fencer Inigo Montoya is chasing a six-fingered man and intends to say the aforementioned phrase upon meeting him.
- The "I loved you! Do you hear me? I loved you!" monologue is probably a reference to The Rocky Horror Picture Show in which Columbia shouts a similar rant before being turned to stone.
- The title and some descriptions of the scene refer to the movie X-Men: The Last Stand.
- The airship with the Jolly Roger might be a reference to the Dreamcast/Gamecube game Skies of Arcadia, which features pirate airships. One character has a special attack that calls his airship to bombard the entire battlefield with massive amounts of cannon fire.
- Wishing for a desk to hide under during the aerial bombardment comes from the "Duck and cover" public service announcements created by the United States government during the late 1940s.
- The slow motion bomb and the slow motion explosion may be a reference to an episode of Invader Zim or just action movie cliché.
- The part about the adorable puppy is probably specifically a reference to the movie Independence Day, where the city-destroying slow-motion explosion is sufficiently slow-motion that even the dog is able to reach safety.
- The text about certain neighborhoods in Detroit is a reference to 1987 sci-fi film RoboCop.
- The shaman who is "not dead yet' is a reference to Monty Python's The Quest for the Holy Grail.
