The Horror... (A-Boo Peak)

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The Horror...
The Horror...

Group One

You follow the map to the ancient battle site and see a pair of Whatsian ghosts dueling fiercely with a couple of Claybender wizard ghosts. The ghost of ionic energy zaps the air from the Whatsian's ionic pliers, and the ghost of magic erupts from the Claybender wands.

The more you watch, the more a question burns in your mind, just begging to be asked.

Flee the scene

You've had enough of this horror. You turn tail and run.

(The adventure ends. Or you can:)

Ask the Question

"Okay, here's what I don't get, you guys," you say, "the ionic pliers can pretty much do anything you want, without explanation, right? So isn't the Professor just a wizard, and the ionic pliers just a form of magic wand?"

One of the Whatsian ghosts howls in rage at your question, and flies shrieking away from you. Er, I mean, flies shrieking away through you. It's pretty damn freaky.

HPYou lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you lost all your hit points:

That's all the horror you can take. You flee the scene.

If you survived:

You follow the map of the battle site to a crypt that glows with alternating red and blue light. You hear more ghosts getting their fight on in there. It looks dangerous, and it sounds dangerous, and it quacks like a duck, but you should probably check it out if you want to continue.

Enter the Crypt

You see two ghostly followers of Duke Starkiller and his Galaxy Battles backed into a corner and fighting furiously, great flashes of red and blue light coming out of their Light Savers. They're cornered by a trio of Dusken Radars[sic], screeching about how dreamy Jared the Duskwalker is while slashing with their fingernails.

"I don't know what your deal is with Jared the Duskwalker," you say. "I read some of his Gospel, and it was the worst-written thing I've ever read. I couldn't stop laughing."

With a shriek, two of the Dusken Warriors descend on you, raking your soul with their ghostly nails, then moaning and wailing into the night.

HPYou lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

In the back of the crypt there's an ancient stone door with Space Tourist runes carved onto it. You open the door and see a stone staircase descending as far as the meager light lets you see. You're sure that it leads somewhere awesome and fun, like stone steps vanishing into the gloom always do.

Go down the Steps

You walk down and down and down (and down) the steps. At the bottom, in a vast underground chasm, there's a ring of Space Tourist ghosts in a circle chanting. "Reverse the polarity of the neutron shield array," they chant, in monotone, "funnel the dilithium signature through the hexonium matrix..."

"Wow, your religion is really complicated," you say.

"RELIGION?" one of the Tourist responds. This is SCIENCE, okay?" Then three ghosts take turns scaring the crap out of you and then fly away, like a very condensed and more painful version of A Christmas Carol.

HPYou lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You explore the vast underground chasm further, until you come to a place where stalactites and stalagmites have grown together, making a spooky underground petrified forest. You see flashes of light through the trees and hear the occasional shouted Latin phrase. Apparently some Claybenders are reenacting a battle down here.

You follow the sounds and see a whole squad of Claybender wizards waving their wands and hurling spells at some Battlie ghosts, with shouts of "Explodum Gonadia!," "Slicem Intestino!," and "Removio Pantsem!"

Hurl Some Spells of Your Own

"I guess it's not too hard for you guys to come up with new spells, eh?" you say. "Punchio Facem!" "Insultus Yourmotherii!" "That's not funny," a Claybender ghost says. The whole squad raises their wands, turns to you, and in unison chants "Scareus Halftodeatho!" What follows is terrifying, but at least the Claybenders leave after they've done their deed.

HPYou lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

At the end of the underground cavern, there's a long stone staircase leading up and back onto A-boo Peak, and wow, there must have been a heck of a battle at this site, because there are a ton of ghosts here. Between the flashes of Battlie Light Savers, the spells of the Claybenders, the Duskwalker's twitches and shrieking, the hum of Space Tourist phasers, and the buzz of Whatsian ionic pliers, you can barely think straight. On a plinth ahead of you, you see a dusty leatherbound book with no name on the cover, just a single slash across it.

Read the Book

You pick up the book and read it aloud. "Professor What laid down his ionic pliers and regarded the newcomer, Jared Duskwalker, with barely-concealed enthusiasm. 'Molto bene, you're a fine-looking specimen, what!' he said, arching an eyebrow.

'Not as fine as I am,' said Duke Starkiller, stepping out of the shadows, clad only in a white bathrobe..." You continue reading as the prose in the slashed book grows ever more purple, leading to all five Heroes from all five factions doing anatomically improbable things with one another.

The ghosts circle around you, shrieking, moaning, gazing into your soul with empty eyes, anything to stop you reading, but you keep it up until they can take no more and every ghost has flown away.

HPYou lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You drop the book, trying to scrub from your mind the things you've just read. That was really scary, and a part of you may never be the same, but man did you ever just banish a whole lot of ghosts!

Group Two

You follow the map to another ancient battleground, where the ghosts of the five factions are doomed to reenact their conflict for all eternity. You see a Battlie with his Light Saver facing off against the phurious phaser of a Space Tourist, one on one. The Light Saver blinks red and blue, the phaser phases, but neither one can keep the upper hand long.

Talk to the Ghosts

"Hey," you shout, "you guys shouldn't be fighting each other. You can coexist! I mean, the Galaxy Battles of Duke Starkiller aren't even the same type of story as Captain Kerkard's Space Tours. Galaxy Battles is just the ancient hero's journey monomyth, just with spaceships instead of dragons, and Space Tours involves actual science."

The Battlie ghost turns to you, his jaw opening wider and wider with the force of his furious screech. Then he flies away, leaving you more than a little freaked out.

HPYou lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You see a trio of Dusken Raiders fiercely battling . . . well, each other. "Jared the Duskwalker likes ME the best!" one shouts. "He told me that I was his own personal brand of heroin!"

"No, he likes ME the best!" another shouts. "He told me that I was his own personal flavor of corn chip!"

"Well, that's fine, but he told ME that he couldn't even kiss me because he was so passionate about me that he would accidentally give me two black eyes instead!"

Try to Talk Some Sense into Them

"Look, ladies, I know Jared is dreamy, with his shiny skin and his totally not being a real vampire and all, but have you stopped to think that your relationship with him is fundamentally unhealthy?" you ask.

HE LOVES ME!!!"[sic]? the ghosts shout, in unison, their voices suddenly deep and terrifying, like a well that's full of spiders instead of water. Then a couple of them fly away, weeping.

HPYou lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Behind a row of tombstones, there's a squad of five Whatsian ghosts plotting their next move against a squad of Space Tourists. "We could use the ionic pliers to agitate the groundwater underneath them and boil them all!" one says.

"No!" another says, "we have to give them a choice! Think, what would the Professor do?"

Make a Suggestion

"Well, if the Professor is a time traveler," you say, "he would probably just never travel to this particular set of space-time coordinates, so he didn't get caught up in the fight. Or he would stop the whole war before it starts, and save everyone at once! That sounds like a real Hero of the Peak to me."

"You don't understand! There are points in time that are fixed, and some that are blibbly-blobbly, and some that . . . look, you can't just . . . AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" the Whatsian ghosts rise up and fly through you and into the sky, shrieking. It's pretty terrifying.

HPYou lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

A little ways uphill from the battleground, there's a group of Space Tourist ghosts struggling to defend their high ground under a combined Whatsian/Battlie assault. "Set phasers on . . . uh . . . " the Space Tourist's ranking officer says, stuttering.

Take Command

"Set phasers on Sudden Realization that Faster-Than-Light Space Travel and Time Travel of Any Kind Are Most Likely Scientifically Impossible!" you shout. "Make it so!" The Space Tourists adjust their weapons and fire at their opponents. There's a brief moment of silence, like an indrawn breath, and then complete chaos as the opposing forces suffer a crisis of faith. Their moaning and shrieking is absolutely terrifying, but at least you've thinned out the ranks a little bit.

HPYou lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You finally see a break in the ferocious fighting, and head towards the gap. There's a whole squadron of Galaxy Battle ghosts sitting around, apparently reenacting the time where they stopped fighting to have a healthy and nutritious lunch. It's a nice change to see them just relaxing and chatting instead of rabbiting on about Duke Starkiller and wiping out the infidels.

Join the Conversation

"You know the best thing about Duke Starkiller?" one of the ghosts says. "It's the way he will stop at nothing to avenge the death of his father at the hands of the evil Death McDaddySire!"

"Uh... well...actually, Death McDaddySire is his father," you say.

"Oh. Well, my favorite thing about Duke Starkiller is that he's the last of his line, an only child, sustained by the deep romantic love he has for Princess Lady," another ghost says.

"Um...I hate to break it to you, but Princess Lady is his sister," you say.

"Ew,but they had that kiss,, man," a ghost responds. "But my favorite thing about Duke Starkiller is Death McDaddySire anyway, even is he is Duke's father. I mean, he's such a badass! You don't know anything about him, how he got to be that way, or what his childhood was like, or anything. It's great."

You sigh and explain the history of Death McDaddySire as you've learned it from the various monuments in the graveyard. By the eighth or ninth time you say "Yippeee!" the ghosts are furious. They scare the everloving crap out of you and depart the Peak in disgust.

HPYou lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Well, it wasn't easy, and it wasn't pleasant, and it wasn't fun, and it wasn't -- you know, I don't know where I was going with that. The point is, you cleared the battle site completely!

Group Three

You follow the map to another famous battle site in the Five Factions War. It looks like all the factions are taking a break from the fighting, though, and just sitting around talking amongst themselves. You eavesdrop on two Whatsian Commandos talking.

"What do you think true love is, then?" one says. "I think it's, like, being devoted to an emotionally distant man who keeps comparing you to his last girlfriend, who wound up missing under mysterious circumstances."

"Nonsense!" the Whatsian replies. "True love is being a constant companion to someone, taking them on incredible adventures through time and space and constantly endangering their life, and then leaving them when they get too old."

They see you watching and turn to you. "What do you think true love is, random alive person?" one asks.

I Wanna Know What Love Is

"I think that true love is telling someone to keep her eyes closed so God doesn't melt her face off when the bad guys open the religious artifact you've been chasing across all of Europe," you say. "That's the kind of love that one usually doesn't have time for."

"Preposterous!" one Whatsian says. He places his ionic pliers to your temple and blasts you with a jolt of pure terror, then flies away in a huff.

HPYou lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Next you find a few Dusken Raiders sitting around talking about the only thing they ever seem to talk about, Jared Duskwalker and how in love they are with him. "I'll tell you what true love is!" the Dusken Raider says, twitching slightly. "It's when someone won't leave you alone, ever, all the while insisting that you stay away from him. And threatening to hurt you if you don't do exactly what he says. That's true love." The other Raiders nod, while gulping and looking like a cat trying to throw up a hairball.

Put Your Two Cents In

"I think true love is a genuine give-and-take between equals, not giving up your own identity," you say, "like, if you don't have your own personality and will, if you can't disagree with the people you love, is it really love at all?"

Of course the Dusken Raiders don't take kindly to your description of love, and their arguments grow ever shriller until they're full-on banshee wails that chill you to the bone. By the time they fly away in disgust, it feels like the hairs on your neck will never go back down.

HPYou lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You duck between the warring ghost factions and huddle behind a tombstone, where you overhear a squad of Duke Starkiller devotees talking with each other. "I think that true love is when you're about to go away for a long time, and the person you love says 'I love you,' and you say 'I know,'" one of the ghosts says. "I mean, you want her to know that you know that she loves you, right?"

"Nah," another ghost says, "I think true love is when you're ten years younger than a girl, and you fall in love with her so hard that the next time anyone sees you, you're only two years younger than she is. That's what love can do."

Tell Them About True Love

"I think," you say, "that true love is when you're so worried about your pregnant girlfriend's safety that you murder an entire building full of kids. I mean, think about it."

"Gah, what's the matter with you?" one of the Battlies says. He holds out his ghostly hands and blue lightning streaks out of them, transfixing you with terror from beyond the stars.

"I have a bad feeling about this," one of the other ghosts says, "c'mon, let's get out of here!" The ghosts fly away while you lie there and twitch.

HPYou lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

As you walk through the battle site, there's a glimmer in the air and a group of Space Tourist ghosts appear around you. "Set phasers on 'Terrify'," one says.

"Wait! Hold on, guys! I've been wandering around listening to the different factions talk about love. What do you think true love is?"

"True what?" one of them says. "Is that one of those illogical human emotions?"

"Um...nailing some alien chick without getting an intergalactic virus?" one says.

Lose Your Patience

"Are you seriously telling me that not one of you guys has ever had a meaningful long-term romantic relationship?" you ask. "Next thing you'll be telling me that Captain Kerkard himself is more into his duty to his ship than he is about finding a stable significant other." The Space Tourists look at you meaningfully for a minute, definitely offended, then blast you with terror rays before beaming out again.

HPYou lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You duck into a crypt to get out of the way of the constantly warring ghosts, only to find the crypt full of Claybender Sorcerers taking a break from the action. "So, what do you guys think true love is?" you ask, since you've already established a theme and might as well run with it.

"I think true love is watching the love of your life marry some dumb jock, and pining away for her for years, and eventually saving her son's life," says one ghost.

"Nah," another one says, "true love is constantly squabbling with someone for seven straight years, and ending up together once you've both exhausted all other options."

Speak of the Pompatus of Love

Well, if you ask me," you say, pausing for effect, "true love is nailing your best friend's sister."

"That's a horrible thing to say!" one of the Sorcerers says. "Terrorem Halftodeathicus!" A beam of light bursts from his wand, and the next ten minutes are the most terrifying of your life. By the time the spell runs out, though, all the Claybenders are gone.

HPYou lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You survey the deserted battle site, still shivering a little bit from your terrifying journey. Phew!

Group Four

You follow the map to the battle site. This one is close to a frozen mountain lake, with stunted and twisted trees grasping at the cold, indifferent sky.

Oh yeah, and a bunch of dead nerds still fighting their eternal battle. So there's that. You see a Claybender ghost throw its head back, howl at the moon, and turn into a werewolf ghost, which is pretty awesome. But his howl seems to have awoken something deep in the ancient lake, as tentacles start to whip the surface of the water. Soon a giant tooth-lined maw is resting just on the surface of the lake, but the Battlie ghost (currently haunting a full suit of green and red armor) nearby doesn't notice.

Tap Him on the Back

You try to pat the ghost on the back, but of course he's non-corporeal, so you can't. His armor, on the other hand, is solid enough, so you end up tapping it instead. . . right on a big red button. The button activates the armor's jetpack, and the ghost flies through the air out of control, directly into the lake creature's maw. The lake creature follows up the horrific scene with an absolutely gratuitous and lame burp, but it's still incredibly terrifying.

HPYou lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You make your way around the frozen lake, but run into a Whatsian ghost on the other side. He's got a face like--well, you know how when you take a big bite of spaghetti and all the noodles are hanging down, and your date is embarrassed but you've already decided you don't like them anyway, so you just kind of slurp everything in? Yeah, his face looks like the first part of that. There's a cable running out of the mass of tentacles that he's got instead of a mouth, ending in a little sphere that lights up when he talks.

Talk to the Ghost

"I beg your pardon, sir," he says, "but have you any orders for me? I exist only to serve."

Before you can respond, another Whatsian ghost rolls up, the one that looks like a tin can with delusions of grandeur. "Negative! I require orders! Give me orders now! Obey!"

"I must insist that you give me orders first," the first ghost says.

"Negative! I order you to give me orders!" the metal ghost shouts in his metallic voice.

The argument goes on, getting scarier and scarier, until you can barely stand to watch. At the end of it, both ghosts disappear, still shrieking at each other to give each other a command.

HPYou lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You veer away from the frozen lake to a dirt path back to the graveyard proper. You see a light in the distance, and then hear the roaring of an engine. You see a Dusken Raider ghost on a motorcycle, driving seemingly straight at you. She throws on the brakes and squeals up to you in a cloud of dust.

Scold the Ghost

"Hey! Watch where you're going! I'm alive, here, and I'd like to stay that way!"

"Oh. My. God," the ghost says, licking her lips. "You sound just like Jared the Duskwalker when you scold me like that. That's why I have to keep misbehaving; you see, since he left us, the only time I feel near to him is when I imagine him scolding me. Watch!"

And with that, she revs her motorcycle again and runs it straight into a squad of her own soldiers, bowling them over every which way. At least three of them fly away from the Peak in disgust. Then she revs the engine again and tries to run you down, enthusiastically and repeatedly, until you're so out of breath and terrified you can't even see straight.

HPYou lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You leave the dirt path so you don't suffer another paranormal drive-by, and strike off into the headstones again. You see a group of Space Tourist ghosts sitting in a circle, their phasers connected to each other by cables.

"What are you geniuses doing?" you ask.

"Shhh," one of the ghosts replies. "We're trying to boost the power of our communicator badges so we can beam down reinforcements. It's a delicate operation and we need to concentrate."

Fail to Stifle a Sneeze

You try your best to ignore the tickling in your nostrils, but just as one ghost says "transport in 3, 2..." you WACCHHOOOOO louder than you've ever done before. There's a bang and a flash of light, and the Space Tourists are gone. In their place is a hideous monstrosity formed by randomly recombining all of them into a single terrifying creature. It looks at you with a dozen weeping eyes, and one of its mouths says, "Ge...sund..heit..." before it raises a phaser in a twisted claw and offs itself. Brrrr, man.

HPYou lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You head further into the tombstones, or possibly tomb further into the headstones, to see that the Claybender ghosts have set up some kind of a sports pitch and are playing a game, flying on broomsticks high above you.

"Guys!" you shout. "You're ghosts! You can fly without brooms!" but they don't seem to hear you.

Ask What's Going On

You find the Claybender ghost that's refereeing the game and ask her what the point is. "Well, the game's called Crunchitch," she says. "You see, there's the Gigolo, he tries to throw a huge boulder through that hoop over there. Then the Pulverizer tries to destroy the boulder, or the Gigolo, before he can score, the Maimer tries to dismember the other team's Pulverizer, and the Turncoat flies around trying to find a missing contact lens. Whichever Turncoat finds the lens first, that team wins."

"Sounds brutal," you say, and sit and watch for a while. It's a pretty entertaining game, right up until all the players somehow smack into each other simultaneously in a huge mid-air collision. Bits of broomstick rain down along with bits of wailing ghosts. The overall effect is absolutely terrifying.

HPYou lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You toss the map aside with a smile. It wasn't easy, but you made it through, and you seriously cleared some ghosts off of the peak!

Group Five

You follow the map to a huge crypt in the middle of a stone plaza. In the middle of the plaza there's a statue of an angel with huge stone wings, covering her face. You watch the statue warily, ducked behind one of the benches around the plaza. So you're a little surprised when a very non-ghostly couple comes running up to the statue. "Really, baby? Right here up against this statue? You're sooo freaky," the female half of the couple says.

You blink, and while your eyes are closed, you could swear you hear the statue say "help me."

You blink again, and the statue says "For god's sake look awa--"

Oh, that's not a statue, it's one of those Whatsian ghost statue warrior thingies, and it can't move because you're looking at it! You feel worse and worse for the statue as the couple gets more and more squelchy.

Avert Your Eyes

You turn away from the statue ghost thing. There's a pair of very short screams and the fluttering of huge stone wings, and when you turn back, the ghost statue is gone. There's nothing left of the couple but a few tatters of clothing. You get chills up and down your neck, and resolve to never blink again.

HPYou lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You approach the crypt, but are stopped by the ghosts of a couple of normal-looking young men.

"Are you guys part of the Five Factions War?" you ask. "You look way too normal to be in on this craziness."

"Actually," one of the guys says, taking off his shirt, "we're Dusken werewolves."

"Yeah," the other says, taking off his shirt, "we're werewolves. Any time we want, we can transform into giant talking dogs."

Tell Them What Werewolves Are

"But werewolves change by the light of the full moon, you guys," you say, "and they change into wolf-creatures, and they can't talk. They're a metaphor for the animal nature that lies within us all! You doofuses are just male models with a furry fetish!"

The two 'werewolves' transform in front of you and circle you, yapping and snarling. They manage to scare you pretty badly before they go bounding off.

HPYou lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You circle the exterior of the crypt, trying to see what you might find in there, but you trip over a piece of pipe lying on the ground. You pick it up and see that it's curved like the letter J, and it has some kind of greasy nastiness stuck in the middle part.

Examine the Pipe

You squint into one end of the pipe, trying to figure where it might have come from. "What is this thing?" you ask yourself.

"It's a trap!" a voice says. You look up and see a Galaxy Battles ghost in uniform, with a head that looks like something you'd expect to find on a plate in a sushi restaurant.

"Oh, y'know, you're right," you say. "It's a trap to keep gunk in a pipe from washing into the sewer system.[sic]?

"Well, yeah," the ghost says, "but I meant that this is a trap!" Then you're ambushed by three more Galaxy Battle ghosts, who scare the crap out of you before flying away.

HPYou lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You try the door of the crypt, but it's locked. As you tug fruitlessly on the handle, some Space Tourist ghosts in bright red uniforms come floating up.

Ask for Help

"Hey, guys," you say, "could you get this door open? I'd certainly believe Captain Kerkard was the Hero of the Peak if you could pull that off!"

The ghosts talk amongst themselves, then approach the door, various sciencey implements at the ready. "Well, we could probably invert the polarity of the neutrino funnel," one says, "the only downside is if we don't calibrate the Hawking compensator correctly, we'll open a metaphysical rift that will suck us in and tear us to shreds!"

"Sweet, let's try it!" one of the other ghosts says.

Predictably, there's a sizzle and a snap and a rift in space full of Lovecraftian horror, and then there are no more red-uniformed ghosts, and you can't stop shaking.

HPYou lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You finally walk into the crypt, only to find it full of ginger-haired Claybender ghosts. One of them's addressing the rest, and he doesn't sound happy. "Gary Claybender was not a hero!" the ghost says. "I know, it sounds like heresy, but hear me out. He may have defeated Lord Muertodeath, but most of the problems he solved, he created in the first place! If it hadn't been for our nerdy friend Octavia, he'd have snuffed it a dozen times! Not to mention how much I helped him!"

"Oh, you mean all those times you got really scared? Or the times you screwed up doing a spell and hurt someone? Or are you talking about the time you bailed and went sulking for a couple of months?" another ginger ghost says.

"Okay, fine," the speaker says, annoyed. "But lest we forget, he totally banged our sister!"

"Oh, right! Down with Gary Claybender!" the other ghost shouts, and soon all the ginger horde is shouting along with him.

Interrupt the Rally

"Guys! Guys!" you shout. "Maligning Gary Claybender isn't going to put your souls to rest. Assuming, of course, you have souls..."

"Anti-ginger racist!" one shouts. "Of course we have souls! Most of us have several! We took them from racists like you!" The gingers descend upon you and tear your soul to shreds before vanishing into the night. You manage to escape with your hide and most of your soul, but you won't stop shaking for a good long while.

HPYou lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Unlike your mom, it wasn't easy, and like your mom, it wasn't pretty, but you've cleared all the ghosts off of this part of the map! Whew!

Group Six

You follow the map to the skirmish site. This particular battle is commemorated with an outsize statue of Jared the Duskwalker, from his soppy puppy-dog eyes to his ridiculous hair. It's even covered in glitter so it will be sparkly just like Jared.

As you'd expect, the statue plaza is absolutely crawling with Dusken Raiders.

Approach a Raider

You walk towards a Raider, who regards you with the same glassy-eyed stare as all her compatriots. "Have you seen Jared? He promised he would make me a Duskwalker like him, so we can finally be together for all time!"

"Wait a minute," you say, "didn't you consider the ramifications of letting some random dude bite your neck and suck your blood?"

"Ewww, gross!" the Raider replies. "Duskwalkers create other Duskwalkers by injecting them with some of their spit."

"Holy crap, can't Jared get anything about being a vampire right?"

"He's a DUSKWALKER!" the Raider shrieks, and swoops through you, wailing. Yipe!

HPYou lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You hear moaning and screaming coming from behind the Jared the Duskwalker statue. You figure there's got to be a few ghosts back there worth busting, so you investigate, ignoring the goosebumps making all the hairs on your arms stand straight up.

You see a ghost lying on the ground, screaming, with another ghost, a rare male Raider, gnawing on the first one's huge distended stomach.

Scream in Terror

"Aw, man, what the heck? What the holy CRAP?" you scream.

The male raider stops for a minute and looks up. "Don't mind us. We're doomed to re-enact a moment of our lives together, wherein she was pregnant with my Duskwalker baby and I had to chew her open to do a Cesarean section."

"Oh, I suppose that makes--what?"

"You know, I had to chew her stomach open, chew the umbilical cord in half, that kind of thing. It's a Duskwalker thing, like sparkling in the sunlight and falling in love with women 200 years younger than we are." He resumes gnawing on his screaming girlfriend. "Ah, there we go. Our freaky mutant baby's been chewed free, so we won't trouble you any longer." All three nod to you and disappear, leaving you completely skeeved out. You thought Jared the Duskwalker's chronicles were for young adults, man!

HPYou lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

A Dusken Raider ghost flits up to you and sits beside you. She mumbles under her breath, twitches, gulps, rocks back and forth, and stares blankly into space for long enough that you start to get uncomfortable. "So, that's a great Jared the Duskwalker statue," you say.

"That's no statue," the Raider says, starting to cry. "That's Jared himself!"

Say What?

"Say what?" you ask, but the Raider's sobbing too hard to talk. Another Raider swoops in. "You see, when a Duskwalker becomes a Duskwalker, every bodily fluid is turned to venom, and their body is turned to stone," she says, and starts crying herself. Another couple of Raiders fly up to help. "Venom is a Duskwalker's spit, blood, bile, you name it," she says. "It even lubricates their eyeballs." She breaks down in tears and another Raider picks up the story. "When Jared the Duskwalker's venom was drained from him, he couldn't move. But he's still in there, he's just stone."

"Wait. . .I thought a Duskwalker was like a vampire. You're telling me they're some kind of poison-lubricated golem?"

The Raiders nod and sob their eyes out, moaning and shrieking until you think you're going to go crazy. By the time they fly off to mourn in peace, you're freaked out and confused.

HPYou lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

At one end of the statue's plaza, a group of Dusken Raiders are setting up a basketball hoop and picking sides for a game. "You guys play basketball?" you ask.

A Dusken Raider rolls her eyes. "We play DUSKWALKER Basketball," she says.

Ask How Duskwalker Basketball Is Played, Against Your Better Judgement

"Against my better judgment, I'm apparently going to have to ask how Duskwalker Basketball is played," you say.

"Oh, it's just like regular basketball," the Raider assures you. "We even have uniforms!"

"But WHY?"

"Why would we play basketball?"

"No, why would you think anyone would care that you played basketball? You expect me to sit here and watch this?"

"Hey, instead of playing basketball just this once," a Dusken Raider Ghost says, "how about we just scare the crap out of this adventurer and then go watch TV?"

As the ghosts fly away, leaving you dazed and freaked out, you wish you would have just watched the basketball game.

HPYou lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You look up into the vacant eyes of Jared the Duskwalker's statue, and see a Dusken Raider ghost has climbed up there and is clinging to the statue's back. "Hey, come down there before you hurt yourself," you say, then mentally facepalm as you remember she's already a ghost.

Ask What She's Doing Up There

"So, how come you're on Jared's back?" you ask.

"He's BACK? Jared's BACK? Oh, I get it. Sorry. I'm just reliving one of the best days of my life, where Jared took me on his back and he ran as fast as a horrible special effect, and we jumped from tree to tree..."

"He did that with you?" another Raider flies by, screeching. "He said I was his first horrible special effect run!"

"No, he said I was the first!" says another. Soon there's a big shrill group of them freaking out around the statue.

"You guys," you say, "Jared was hundreds of years old, right? Do you really think any of you were his first anything? He may look like a teenager, but he's really just an undead pedophile."

The ghosts gathered around the statue wail and try to cover their ears, but there's no denying the cold truth of your words. With hideous howls and murderous moans, they fly away, leaving you shivering.

HPYou lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You finally cleared all the ghosts from the square! You shiver a little with remaining terror, then resolve to have as little as possible to do with Duskwalker lore for the rest of your life.

Group Seven

You follow the map to the next battle site. This one's in the middle of a little grove of trees, with green leaves forming a canopy overhead and soft earth beneath your feet. It feels as isolated as a forest on a moon. Or maybe a moon that's all forest. A forest moon, some might say. As you wander beneath the trees, you hear a heated argument going on.

Approach the Argument

You find a couple of Battlie Knights behind a tree, arguing with each other. "Look, all I'm saying is maybe when our ancestors wrote the Galaxy Battles saga, they didn't have the skill and foresight to write it as they really wanted it to be! What's wrong with making a few changes? And then destroying all the original copies so only the better versions are available?" "What are you talking about? That's heresy! The Galaxy Battles saga should forever remain how they were originally written. Even if our ancestors wanted to change them, they don't belong to our ancestors anymore! They belong to the world how they were originally conceived."

"Well, sure, but don't you think adding in a bunch more spaceships and big crappy aliens and emo teenagers and changing the plot would make it so much better?"

With that, the traditionalist knight pulls out a Light Saver and applies it full-blast to the younger Knight. The young one screams a terrifying scream and disintegrates.

"No, that would not be better. That would be terrible," the Knight says, and you're inclined to agree.

HPYou lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You walk into a little clearing and see two Battlie Knights fighting each other, Light Savers flashing wildly as they duel.

Check out the Duel

"Hey, you guys are on the same side! Why are you fighting?" you ask. "Oh, don't worry, it's just a practice duel," one says, then turns to his opponent: "Now, I'll cut off your arm!"

"Ow! Hey! Well, then, I'll cut off your hand!" the other one says.

"Ow! Jerk! Well, then, I'll do a flip over your head!"

"Well, then, I'll cut off your other arm and both legs!"

"Good grief!" you shout. "Doesn't anyone just sword fight anymore? What's with all the dismemberment? The Galaxy Battles saga was intended for children, after all!

"The two Knights look at you, shrug as best they can with their missing limbs, and continue to duel until there's nothing left of either of them, and every child watching is scarred for life.

HPYou lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You see an older Battlie Knight ghost teaching a lesson to a few younger ghosts. No, literally teaching them; not like when your dad says he'll "teach you a lesson."

Listen to the Lesson

"Elder, I'm confused," says one of students. "We believe that Duke Starkiller had knowledge of the future, and that he knew how the entire Galaxy Battles saga would end before he started writing it, right?"

"Yes, youngling," the elder says.

"What a weird thing to call someone younger than you. But anyway, elder, why did he so lustfully kiss his sister, and jealously pursue her affections, if he knew it was his sister all along?"

"This lesson is over," the Elder says.

"But yeah," another student says, "and why doesn't Death McDaddySire recognize his robot companion he built as a child?"

"Yeah, and why --" another chimes in, but the Elder interrupts by blasting their souls into space-dust. The wailing of the younglings is pretty traumatic, but at least some of the ghosts are gone, right?

HPYou lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You see a little squad of Battlie Knight ghosts marching in formation. They look pretty intimidating; they're covered head-to-toe in white armor, with a scary white masks over their faces. They look ready to take on the other four factions all by themselves.

Knights in White Armor, Never Reaching an End

Suddenly, the Battlie Knights are ambushed by a bunch of magically-animated teddy bears! They drop from the trees, chattering jibberish and poking the Knights with spears. You wouldn't imagine the bears would stand a chance, but the Knights seem to have forgotten how to aim their laser guns, and the teddy bears make short, gruesome work of the entire squad. It's pretty chilling to watch.

HPYou lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You step into a crypt in the forest and see a Battlie Knight ghost guarding a control panel. "Hey, what's that thing?" you ask, startling him. Luckily, he's one of the guys in the white plastic uniforms, and they can't shoot worth a damn, so his nervous twitch doesn't kill you.

"This is the shield generator for our massive troop carrier," he says. "The ghosts of the rest of our army are up there, just waiting to swoop down. The only thing that can mess up our plan now is if someone shoots this computer panel here, which would remove the shielding up there, and the whole thing would explode.

Point Out an Unfortunate Fact

"Uh, that shot you fired at me just now...well, I say 'at me,' but really you just blew the crap out of your control panel." "Ah," the Knight says, glumly," that would explain the creeping feeling that a bunch of souls are crying out in pain and then being silenced."

You listen, and you hear the crying out yourself, and it's spooky and unpleasant.

HPYou lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You made it through the battle site! The ghosts tried to scare you to death, but you weren't afraid of no ghost. Or, I mean, you weren't afraid of any ghosts. You were afraid of no ghost. That's just good grammar.

Group Eight

You follow the map to the battle site. This one's in a weird little box canyon on one side of the peak. The snow's melted here, revealing an otherworldly landscape of craggy red rocks. It looks like the surface of a planet unimaginably distant from this one, or possibly just somewhere in the Arid, Extra-Dry Desert.

There's a shimmer in the air in front of you, and a Space Tourist warrior appears. He's got pale skin and yellow eyes, but otherwise looks human.

Approach the Ghost

Rather than thrusting your fists against some posts and insisting you don't see him, you approach the ghost. "So, are you a human, or . . ." you ask. I am an artificial life form," he responds, "what you might call a 'robot,' though I prefer the term 'android.' However, I assure you that I am fully functional."

"Um, congratulations," you say.

The android steps closer to you. "I believe you have failed to interpret my meaning. I am fully functional. Any operation, calculation, or sexy leisure activity that a human can do, I can do better."

"Uh, okay. What's the square root of 256?" you ask.

The android steps still closer and throws an arm around you. "No, I mean, I am fully functional. Do you clean your pants with glass-cleaning spray? Because I can certainly imagine myself taking them off of you."

"Oh. Woah. No thanks," you say."

The android stands there for a minute, head cocked at an unnatural angle, fully freaking you out, before it transports to a different quadrant.

HPYou lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Further into the box canyon, you see two Space Tourist soldiers locked in battle with each other. One looks kind of like the apathetic lizardman, only less "apathetic" and more "full of rage," and the other's a bald, pudgy guy in a toupee and girdle.

Watch the Fight

The lizardman finally falls to his knees and the pudgy guy lifts up a rock to slam into his head. But the lizardman suddenly vanishes! "He's . . . gone!" the pudgy guy says. Then he drops to his knees, grits his teeth, and screams at the sky, "GOOOOOOOOONNNE!" Then he vanishes as well. Well, that was a little over-the-top, and a little terrifying.

HPYou lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You walk to the end of the canyon, where there are a few normal-looking guys and a couple of guys with big bony ridges on their heads standing around, deep in discussion.

Listen in on the Discussion

"True Grabons have honorable bony head ridges!" one of the weird-headed guys says, and the other nods in agreement. "We're just as much Grabons as you are! We just choose to have fashionable hairstyles instead of looking like someone stuck some Rain-Doh to our heads!" one of the others respond.

"You are without honor!" the other ridge-head guy says, whipping out a sword that looks like someone glued a bunch of razors to an archer's bow. The other follows suit, and they start whirling their improbable weapons around their heads. In a few minutes, the ridge-headed guys have managed to cut themselves to ribbons, and they vanish back into the ether, howling with rage. It's pretty spooky.

HPYou lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You climb out of the canyon to see a Space Tourist landing party exploring the terrain, pointing their little beeping hand-held scanners at everything. One of them points his scanner at you, then says "are you classified as human?"

Own up to It

"As far as I know, I'm human, just like all of you," you say. The landing party looks at each other, nonplussed. "Who are you calling human?" one says. "Do you not observe the slight crinkling in the flesh above my nose? I am clearly an alien life form."

"Yeah, and I have thick ropy sinews connecting my head and shoulders," another says. "So exotic!"

"Right, and one of my earlobes is at least 5 millimeters longer than the other one! We are far superior to you, mere human!"

"Riiiight," you say. "You're definitely a group of terrifyingly exotic aliens."

"I sense sarcasm," the guy with the earlobes says. "Set phasers on 'pants-wetting terror.'"

The landing party shoots terror-beams at you and transports out while you convulse.

HPYou lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

The air begins to swirl and shimmer around you, and suddenly you find yourself on the ghost of a Space Tourist ship (look, just repeat to yourself it's just a game, I should really just relax)! The ship's captain stalks up to you and addresses you in full melodramatic rage. "You dare to come aboard this ship! You advance, and we retreat! But there comes a time when we must say THIS far, THIS far and NO FURTHER! I am drawing a line and the line is going to be drawn RIGHT HERE! Computer! Initiate self-destruct!"

Try to Talk Sense

"Self-destruct in thirty seconds," the computer says. "Woah, hold on, guy. There are a bunch of kids on this ship, right? Some civilians? An eyebrow-less bartender? You're going to murder all of them to make a point?"

The captain glares at you in stony silence. The computer says, "self-destruct in ten seconds."

"Okay, well, I'm just going to hop on this teleporter pad and go back to earth. You win," you say.

As you start to beam out, the captain says, "I knew it. Computer, cancel self--"

BOOOOOOM. You find yourself on the ground again, panting with terror, watching a ghostly explosion in the sky.

HPYou lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Man, those Space Tourists are hardcore. But you managed to clear a bunch of their ghosts off the battlefield! Now it's time to boldly go further up the peak!

Group Nine

You follow the map to the battle site. This battle took place in the ruins of a castle. A plaque on the wall says this was once the site of Pigherpes, the school of Wizardcraft and Sorcery. There are Claybender Sorcerer's ghosts flitting about all over the place, throwing spells from their wands. Well, all except for one ghost, who is sitting in front of an old-fashioned adding machine (the kind with a big lever on the side, y'know), and looking glum.

Approach the Accountant Ghost

"You look sad," you say. "Is it because everyone else is a bad-ass sorcerer and you're stuck doing math?" "No," the ghost says, "it's just, I'm adding up the numbers, and I just don't see how the Claybender faction can afford to keep fighting. We're hundreds of manowars in debt!"

"But you guys do magic, right?" you ask. "Why don't you just magic up some more money?"

"WE COULD NEVER DO THAT!" the accountant yells. "If we could arbitrarily generate money, how would we know who the snobby rich kids and the plucky poor kids are?" He browbeats you for a few minutes before he flies away, leaving you panting with terror.

HPYou lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You venture deeper into the castle, where a ghostly teacher is still trying to teach classes during the battle. "Don't forget, students," she says, "you all have Potions next, followed by Beginner Alchemy, followed by Advanced Scrying."

Approach and Reproach

"Say," you say, "don't the kids take, like, arithmetic and geography and stuff?" "No, but they do take Spell Construction and Wandlore for Beginners," the teacher replies.

"So you're raising a generation of idiot sorcerers? That seems dangerous."

"Not as dangerous as not knowing Wandlore, dirtbile," says one of the ghostly students, a white-haired evil-looking little jerk with two giant goons behind him. "For example, if I owned a wand, but then someone else disarmed me with their wand, but then sold their wand to a goblin who traded it to another wizard for a left-handed crystal ball, what would that make me?"

"A total prat?" you say, which appears to be the wrong answer, as the boy and his friends scare the crap out of you before leaving.

HPYou lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You walk up one of the weird moving staircases in the castle (okay, it's just a normal escalator), but as you try to open one of the doors at the top, a group of teachers stops you. "Students are not permitted to be on this floor!" one shouts.

You look around and see another group of students walking down the hall a few dozen feet ahead of you.

Point out the Malefactors

"What about those guys, huh?" you ask. "Oh, those students are in the noble house of Herogood," one of the ghostly teachers says. "The rules don't apply to them."

"That hardly seems fair," you protest, but the teachers take turns shrieking eldritch spells at you until you agree to play by the rules.

HPYou lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You go down a flight of stairs into the deep dungeons underneath the castle, where all is cold and dark. You see a group of student ghosts huddling together by a small fire, shivering.

Approach the Poor Waifs

"What are you guys doing down here?" you ask. "We live down here because we're evil," one kid says.

"Yeah," another agrees, "we're evil and destined to do evil things for the rest of our lives."

"Woah," you say, "what did you do to get sent down here?"

"Oh, when we picked up the Sorting Bat when we got here, it assigned all of us to the house of Evilface, because it could tell we were evil. It's handy for the school to put all the bad kids in one place, even before the kids know they're bad."

"That hardly seems fair," you say.

"Oh, after we were down here for a while, we realized how evil we all are," one of the other kids says. Then they take turns casting terrifying spells at you before they float away shrieking.

HPYou lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You start to go up a flight of stairs in the castle, but a Claybender Sorcerer blocks your path. "Don't go up there!" he says, brushing greasy hair (or the ghost of it, anyway) out of his eyes. "There's a vicious three-headed dog up there that would eat your liver just as soon as look at you."

"Okay, I'll just go downstairs, then," you say.

"No! Down there is a huge snake whose gaze can turn you to stone!"

Ask for Directional Guidance

"Okay, then, where should I go?" you ask. "You're better off just going out back," the ghost says. You walk through a big set of double doors at the rear of the castle. "Oh, sorry, I forgot about the army of soul-sucking monsters we keep out there to keep the students safe," the ghost yells, as darkness descends toward you. "Sorry!"

Foul monsters suck away at your soul, leaving you thoroughly shaken and stirred before they fly away.

HPYou lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You stagger to your feet outside Pigherpes castle. You've done it! And it only cost you a whole lot of terror!

Group Ten

You follow the map to the battle site. It looks like a cobblestone city street with abandoned housing flats on either side. You look around for ghosts, but there's only a little tow-headed boy wearing a gas mask. He turns to face you, which is a little creepy.

Ask if He's Lost

"Are you okay, little guy?" you ask. "Are you lost?" The kid looks at you with the reflective goggles on his face mask. "Are you my mummy?" he asks.

"No, I don't want to buy any gum -- oh, sorry, didn't hear you right. No, I'm not your mummy."

"Are you my mummy?" the kid asks, moving closer.

"I can probably help you find your --"

"Are you my mummy?" the kid says, still edging closer. A ghost flies out of one of the windows above and lands between you and the kid. "DON'T LET HIM TOUCH YOU!" the ghost screams. The kid looks at you one last time and fades away, leaving you incredibly creeped out.

HPYou lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You walk further down the street, and see what you can only describe as a couple of disco robots. No, seriously, they're all super-shiny metal, and they've got these gigantic headphones on their heads. One of them notices you and points. "YOU WILL BE DELETED," it says, in a deep monotone voice.

Talk Back to the Robot

"YOU WILL BE RECYCLED," you reply. "GRFNL FUNDLEBUZZ GRMBL DPL RHBRB," the robot replies, still pointing.

"What? I can't hear you through all the distortion effects on your voice," you say. "Seriously, you're worse than that growly dude who dresses like a flying rodent."

"He said," the other robot says, "ACTIVATE HORROR LASERS."

As you're about to ask what a "horror laser" is, the two robots fire some kind of blue ray out of their pointer fingers, leaving you speechless with terror. They clang away into the night as you try to catch your breath.

HPYou lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You huddle for warmth on the stoop of one of the deserted flats. A group of Whatsian Commandos walk by, chatting with each other about the Professor.

Ask for Information

"Hey, guys," you say, "you always talk about the Professor, but no one says what he's like. I mean, what does he look like? Does he look like a bitch?" One of the Whatsians says, "well, he's got this long curly hair and this great scarf that's, like, fifty feet long. He's great."

"No," another one says, "he wears a suit and trainers, has great spiky hair, and he's got a long brown coat."

"Lies!" the third one says. "He's got big ears and he wears a leather jacket!"

"It's like you're all worshiping different guys," you say.

The three ghosts turn to you and say, in unison, "HE'S ALWAYS THE PROFESSOR!" They fly away, their terrifying shriek still ringing in your ears.

HPYou lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You see a squadron of Whatsian ghost warriors gearing up for battle just down the street. There's a werewolf, a giant floating head in a jar, a couple of Victorian-era steampunks, a guy in a business suit, a skeleton in a space suit, and a couple of cat-faced nurses.

"Wow, the Whatsian army must have a heck of a progressive recruitment program," you mutter. Then you hear something breathing heavily over your shoulder.

Look Behind You

A bipedal rhinoceros in a space suit snorts at you derisively. "What's wrong with that?" he growls. "The Whatsian Chronicle is everything to all people. It is science; it is horror; it is fantasy. Who wouldn't like to see a squadron of fairies take down a pig flying a zeppelin?" You try to apologize, but the rhino calls over the rest of the motley squadron, who haunt the bejeebers out of you before marching away.

HPYou lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

At the end of the street there's nothing but a phone booth, an elaborate old wooden one, with a man standing in front of it. He's wearing a fez, a suit with a bowtie, and has the biggest chin you've ever seen outside of a late night talk show. "Ah, so you've found me at last," he says. "I am the Professor."


"What?" you say. The Professor smiles. "I get that a lot. I am the Professor, and this is one of my troop carriers."

"Doesn't look like you could fit more than a couple of people in there, and then only if they were really good friends," you say.

"Oh, you'd be surprised," the Professor says. "It's full of Troops Unexpanded Relative to Dimensions in Space."

"So you're saying it's bigger on the --"

"Exactly," the Professor says. At that moment, a Space Tourist photon torpedo slams into the phone booth, blowing it to bits.

The souls of the troops inside all rush out and through you as they exit this plane of existence.

"Dangit, now I have to grow another ship," the Professor says, as you lie still, your hair standing on end and flesh crawling.

HPYou lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)
HPYou lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You clear out of the battle site, still a little freaked out, but with a grim sense of accomplishment. Now let's go further up the peak! Allons-y!

Occurs at A-boo Peak after using an A-Boo clue, with hauntedness above 0%.


  • Each ascension, your first clue will start on a random Group. Each following clue will use the next Group in progression.
    • After Group Ten, the next set of stories will be Group One.
  • Each time you force some ghosts to leave the Peak in a single adventure, hauntedness drops by 2%, then 4%, 6%, 8%, and 10%.
    • Getting beaten up results in only a 2% drop for that choice, and the end of that adventure story group.
  • Total hauntedness reduction is n*(n+1)% where n is the number of choices you have survived through (2%, 6%, 12%, 20%, 30%).
  • The total damage dealt, if you don't flee the scene, will be 463 + 463 (total 926) before Elemental Resistance is applied.
  • Wearing a glass pie plate will reduce all damage dealt by half.


  • The slashed book refers to slash fiction.
  • The "Five Factions War" mashes together various fandoms and literary franchises; see Faction Traction = Inaction. Therefore, this adventure features a lot of references to Star Trek, Star Wars, Doctor Who, Twilight and Harry Potter.
  • Quite a few references to Doctor Who, here appearing as "Professor What":
    • The statement about the Ionic Pliers being a type of magic wand alludes to the frequent criticism that the Sonic Screwdriver basically is one big deus ex machina designed to let the writers write the Doctor out of tight jams without too much difficulty.
    • The Tenth Doctor sometimes said "Molto Bene." Not nearly as often as he said "Allons-y" though.
    • The statement about fixed points in time refers to the concept that there are some events even the Doctor has no control over (for example, that eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in Pompei.) Thus there are some deaths even the Professor can't prevent. "Blibbly-blobbly" rhymes with "Wibbly-wobbly," which is how the Tenth Doctor describes time.
    • The person devoted to an emotionally distant man (the Doctor) is Martha Jones. The woman who disappeared under mysterious circumstances is Rose Tyler. The woman who the Doctor left after being with her constantly due to her advancing age is likely Sarah Jane Smith.
    • The Whatsian ghost with a face like you took a big bite of spaghetti is an Ood. They keep their brains encased in a sphere that they hold in their hands. They are raised to be subservient to humans. The tin can with delusions of grandeur is a Dalek. In the episode "Dalek," the Dalek demanded that Rose give it orders.
    • The statue with huge stone wings covering its face is a Weeping Angel. If it touches you, you get whisked back in time and live out your life in the past, dying in the present. They are quantum-locked and cannot move while being observed by any living creature. But if you blink, it can move the entire time your eyes are closed. And it moves frighteningly fast. The couple that the Weeping Angel touches are most likely Amy and Rory (companions of the Eleventh Doctor,) who got killed by the Weeping Angels in a graveyard at the end of "The Angels Take Manhattan."
    • The little boy with the gas mask is from "The Empty Child," who goes around asking people "Are you my mummy?" The ghost who warns you not to let him touch you is the child's older sister (later revealed to really be his mummy.)
    • The robots threatening to delete you are Cybermen.
    • The version of the Professor with curly hair and a long scarf is analog to the Fourth Doctor, played by Tom Baker.
    • The version of the Professor with a suit and trainers, great spiky hair and a long coat is analog to the Tenth Doctor, played by David Tennant.
    • The version of the Professor with big ears and a leather jacket is analog to the Ninth Doctor, played by Christopher Eccleston
    • The Doctor can regenerate when near death, changing his appearance and personality, but retaining his memories. He is still the Doctor though. This explains why the Whatsian Commandos take offense at your statement that the Professor sounds like three different people.
    • The Whatsian werewolf ghost references the werewolf in "Tooth and Claw." The giant floating head in a jar is The Face of Boe. The Victorian era steampunks are the clockwork soldiers from "The Girl in the Fireplace." The skeleton in a space suit is a victim of the Vashta Nerada, from the episodes "Silence in the Library" and "Forest of the Dead." The cat-faced nurses were featured most prominently in "New Earth." The bipedal rhinoceros is a Judoon, a kind of intergalactic police officer first encountered in "Smith and Jones."
    • The wooden phone booth is, of course, the Tardis. The Professor you encounter (with a fez, bow tie and huge chin) is the current (until Christmas of 2013 anyway) Doctor, played by Matt Smith.
    • The Tardis, just like the Turds, is bigger on the inside.