The Entrance Cavern (1)

This content has been retired and is no longer available in game.

The Entrance Cavern (1) is the entrance to the Lair of The Naughty Sorceress. This part of the lair contains only puzzles and has no monsters, and can be completed while falling down drunk. For spoilerific details, see The Naughty Sorceress Quest.

The 3 Gates

An arcane inscription in front of the gates reads:

(gate 1 text)

(gate 2 text)

(gate 3 text)

The First Gate

Gate of Hilarity

"Through the Gate of Hilarity, only the most zany and madcap shall pass."

You approach the first gate, which is painted with bright red and white concentric circles and a silhouette of a coyote.

• Failure:

It looks like something a four year old child could open, so you turn back to look for one.

• Success:

With a wild gleam in your eye, you pull an enormous mallet from behind your back and smash the gate to smithereens. Smithereens, North Dakota.

Gate of Humility

"Through the Gate of Humility, the Mighty One shall not pass."

You approach the first gate. A frayed string is tied to the front of it.

• Failure:

You pull on the string, but you pull too hard, and it breaks off. You try to tie the ends of the string back together, but a booming voice shouts: "Will I let you in? I'm a frayed knot." The voice makes you lose your train of thought, and you can't finish tying the knot.

It appears that you'll need to be less tough than you are, if you want to open this gate.

• Success:

You pull on the string with all of your strength, which currently isn't much. The string holds, and the gate slowly swings open.

Gate of Morose Morbidity and Moping

"Through the Gate of Morose Morbidity and Moping, only the Depressed One shall pass."

You approach the first gate. A carved face in the center of the gate stirs, looks at you, and challenges you to a frowning contest.

• Failure:

You try to frown, but your innate happiness keeps compelling you to turn that frown upside down. Which uses fewer muscles, some people say, in case you were in the mood for some trivia with absolutely no bearing on the situation at hand. Man, you hate those people. The face dismisses you with a grunt, and you walk away.

• Success:

Fortunately (or unfortunately, as the case may be) you're feeling pretty depressed, and you're able to summon up a frown to beat the band. Well, maybe not the band, but at least the face in the gate.

Gate of Slack

"Through the Gate of Slack, the tense one shall not pass."

You approach the first gate, which is actually just a vertical slot in the wall. You manage to squirm part-way through it, only to find a second, horizontal slot in a second wall behind it.

• Failure:

Unable to twist your limbs far enough to get through the second slot, you're forced to turn back.

• Success:

With some difficulty, you manage to twist your body enough to squeeze through the second slot. You're gonna need a couple new vertebrae, but at least you made it though. As you pop your shoulders back into place, the gaps in the walls widen, presenting a far easier route back.

Gate of Spirit

"Through the Gate of Spirit, only the true fan shall pass."

You approach the first gate, which is emblazoned with the emblem of your local sports team.

• Failure:

Not seeing any way to unlock it, you turn back. Crummy team didn't make the playoffs anyway.

• Success:

You raise your arms and shout "Local Sports Team woooooooo!" The gate swings open, and you step through.

Gate of the Porcupine

"Through the Gate of the Porcupine, only the prickliest one shall pass."

You approach the first gate, which is pierced with numerous small holes.

• Failure:

Unable to figure out how to unlock it, you are forced to turn back. Your power level simply isn't high enough for this door, it seems.

• Success:

Leaning forward, you carefully insert your spiky hair into the holes, and twist. The gate clicks open, and you wonder who the heck came up with such a ridiculous locking mechanism.

Gates of The Suc Rose

"Through the Twitching Gates of The Suc Rose, only the Overstimulated One shall pass."

You approach the first gate. You look down and see a doorknob that, unlike most doorknobs, is extremely twitchy.

• Failure:

You reach for the knob, but it's vibrating so vigorously that you can barely see it, much less get a good grip on it. You're forced to turn away.

• Success:

Fortunately, all of the sugar in your system makes you twitch at exactly the same frequency as the doorknob, and you effortlessly open the first gate.

Gate of The Viper

"Through the Gate of the Viper, only the blackest of blades shall pass."

You approach the first gate, which is carved with an elaborate and realistic depiction of a hissing snake. A large keyhole is centered between its fangs.

• Failure:

Not wanting to get too close to it, you back away carefully.

• Success:

Poison dripping and scarring the metalwork, you insert your weapon into the keyhole, and twist. There is a sharp hissing noise, and the gate unlocks and swings open.

Locked Gate

"Through the Locked Gate, you shall pass, nevermore."

You approach the first gate, which is a simple locked door. Unfortunately, you don't see any way to unlock it. You tap on it, but nobody answers.

• Failure:

Not finding a way through, you decide to neither stop nor stay.

• Success:

You tap again, somewhat louder than before. The door opens with a slow creeeeeak and you pass through.

The Second Gate

Gate of Flame

"Through the Gate of Flame, only he who knows the sweet taste of pain shall proceed."

You step up to the second gate, which depicts a man whose tongue is on fire, and his expression indicates that he did not at all expect that to be happening.

• Failure:

You've eaten some hot things before, but you always knew what you were getting into, so you can't quite relate. Unable to proceed, you are forced to turn back, and the first gate slams behind you as you leave.

• Success:

Since your mouth still burns from that jalapeñum, you totally understand the look of surprise on the guy's face. The gate senses this, and swings open for you.

Gate of Intrigue

"Through the Gate of Intrigue, only the most fascinating shall proceed."

You approach the second gate, which is of beautifully-carved ebony inlaid with a silver mirror.

• Failure:

You peer at your reflection in the mirror for a moment, but don't see anything of interest. The gate remains locked, and you are forced to turn back. The first gate slams shut behind you as you leave.

• Success:

You cock an eyebrow at your reflection in the mirror, and wink saucily. The gate swings open, and you swagger through.

Gate of Machismo

"Through the gate of Machismo, only he with the heaviest scabbard shall proceed."

You approach the second gate. It appears to be pretty strong, but not as impenetrable as the first one.

• Failure:

However, after hitting it with your weapon for a bit, you don't gain anything but a very tired right arm. Ashamed, you turn back, and the first gate slams shut behind you.

• Success:

Grinning widely, you heft your weapon, smash the gate down with one mighty thrust, and continue onward.

Gate of Mystery

"Through the Gate of Mystery, only he who understands the inexplicable may proceed."

You step up to the second gate, which has a picture of a scale, balancing a jar of pickles on one side and a lollipop on the other.

• Failure:

This completely doesn't mean anything to you, so you turn back. As you leave, the first gate crashes shut behind you.

• Success:

Pickles and candy. Oh yeah, you can still taste it, and "inexplicable" is exactly the word. The gate somehow senses your understanding, and swings open.

Gate of the Dead

"Through the Gate of the Dead, only those in touch with the other side will proceed."

You step up to the second gate, which is carved with grinning skulls and skeletons dancing and playing various musical instruments.

• Failure:

It's a bit creepy, and you don't see any way to open it, so you turn back. The first gate slams shut behind you as you leave.

• Success:

The skeletons turn to look at you, but you feel no fear. They recognize you as one of their own, and the gate creaks open.

Gate of Torment

"Through the gate of Torment, only he who has tasted of the filth shall pass."

You step up to the second gate, which is emblazoned with a depiction of a man gagging and retching due to some unknown malady.

• Failure:

You puzzle over it for a while, but are unable to proceed. You turn to leave, and the first gate slams shut behind you.

• Success:

Having recently eaten tamarind, you can totally relate. You nod in sympathy, and the gate swings open.

Gate of Zest

"Through the Gate of Zest, only he who has knowledge of both the hot and sour may pass."

You approach the second gate, which depicts a man with a puckered face, his eyes wide in surprise.

• Failure:

The image doesn't mean anything to you, and you can't find any way to open the gate. You turn back, and the first gate slams behind you.

• Success:

You can still taste the bizarre combination of lime and spice from that gum, and totally understand the man's expression. Somehow the gate recognizes this, and it swings open.

The Third Gate

Gate of Light

"Through the Gate of Light, only the blessed shall proceed."

You approach the third gate, an elaborate ironwork grille with a large candelabrum incorporated into the center of it.

• Failure:

The candles are unlit, and they refuse to light via any means at your disposal, as though someone hasn't deemed you worthy enough. The gate remains locked, and as you turn back, the first two gates slam shut behind you.

• Success:

As you draw closer, you get a warm sense of approval, and the candles light of their own accord. The gate swings open, and your path is clear.

Gate Of That Which is Hidden

"Through the Gate of That Which is Hidden, only the observant shall proceed."

You approach the third gate, only to find it locked tight. The keyhole is mounted in a plate of elaborately-etched brass in the center of the door, and your instincts tell you that the key must be hidden around here somewhere...

• Failure:

However, after much searching, you are forced to give up empty-handed. You turn away from the gates, and the first two slam shut behind you as you leave.

• Success:

In fact, you can practically feel its presence. A quick search of the surrounding stonework reveals a loose brick, with the key tucked safely behind it. You unlock the gate and throw it open, and your path is now clear.

Gate of the Mind

"Through the Gate of the Mind, only the most cognizant will proceed."

You approach the third gate, which is studded with a grid of one hundred precious stones, some of which glow with their own light. You cautiously touch one of them, and some of the lit stones go dark, while several of the dark ones begin to shine.

• Failure:

You poke at the gems for a while, but, unable to discover their purpose, you eventually turn back, frustrated. The first two gates slam shut behind you.

• Success:

You quickly work out the pattern of the stones' behavior, and in a few short moments you manage to get all of them glowing simultaneously. The gate opens, and your path is now clear.

Gate of the Ogre

"Through the Gate of the Ogre, only he who is stronger than the strongest will proceed."

You approach the third gate, which is in the form of a giant iron portcullis.

• Failure:

You attempt to lift it, but it doesn't even budge. Even if there were nine more of you, it wouldn't be enough. You turn back, and the first two gates slam shut behind you.

• Success:

Your muscles bulge as you struggle to lift the gate. It shifts an inch, then a foot, and finally with a crash you throw it open. Your path is now clear.

Gate that is Not a Gate

"Through the Gate that is Not a Gate, no one shall pass."

You approach the third gate, and just as advertised, there isn't any gate there at all, just a solid stone wall. You stare at it, wondering how you're supposed to get beyond it.

• Failure:

You can't think of anything though, so you blink, shrug, and walk away. The first two gates slam shut behind you as you leave.

• Success:

You can't think of anything, though, so you turn to leave -- and then the scenery whirls around you, and you find yourself teleported to the other side of the wall. Your way forward is clear, and a pull of a nearby lever causes the wall to move aside, should you wish to return.

The Gate Made of Bees

That's odd, there seems to be only one gate. An arcane inscription in front of it reads: "Through the Gate Made of Bees, only the sweetest shall pass."

• Failure

You step towards the gate, and are immediately covered in, and being stung half-to-death by, a murder of bees. Or whatever the collective noun is for bees. A 'hatred', perhaps, or an 'ow ow ow ow ow'.

You acquire an effect: Beaten Up (duration: 3 Adventures)

• Success:

You step towards the gate, and the bees seem puzzled by the discrepancy between your appearance and you^[sic] scent. You buzz at them, and do a little butt-shaking dance, and that seems to convince them that you're alright.

Pre-NS13 text

"Through the Twitching Gates of The Suc Rose, only the Overstimulated One shall pass."

"Through the Gate of Humility, the Mighty One shall not pass."

"Through the Gate of Morose Morbidity and Moping, only the Depressed One shall pass."

You approach the first gate. You look down and see a doorknob that, unlike most doorknobs, is extremely twitchy.

You reach for the knob, but it's vibrating so vigorously that you can barely see it, much less get a good grip on it. You're forced to turn away.

• After figuring out how to pass the first gate:

Fortunately, all of the sugar in your system makes you twitch at exactly the same frequency as the doorknob, and you effortlessly open the first gate.

You move on to the second gate. A frayed string is tied to the front of it.

You pull on the string, but you pull too hard, and it breaks off. You try to tie the ends of the string back together, but a booming voice shouts: "Will I let you in? I'm a frayed knot." The voice makes you lose your train of thought, and you can't finish tying the knot.

It appears that you'll need to be less tough than you are, if you want to open this gate. You turn back, and the first gate slams shut behind you.

• After figuring out how to pass the second gate:

You pull on the string with all of your strength, which currently isn't much. The string holds, and the gate slowly swings open.

You come to the third gate. A carved face in the center of the gate stirs, looks at you, and challenges you to a frowning contest.

You try to frown, but your innate happiness keeps compelling you to turn that frown upside down. Which uses fewer muscles, some people say, in case you were in the mood for some trivia with absolutely no bearing on the situation at hand. Man, you hate those people. The face dismisses you with a grunt, and you walk away. The first two gates slam closed behind you.

• After figuring out how to pass the third gate:

Fortunately (or unfortunately, as the case may be) you're feeling pretty depressed, and you're able to summon up a frown to beat the band. Well, maybe not the band, but at least the face in the gate. The gate opens, and the way is clear.

The Huge Mirror

• First approach:

You encounter a huge mirror that completely blocks your path. You try to break it, but your weapon doesn't even scratch it. Which is probably good, because breaking a huge mirror gives you seven huge years of bad luck. You're not exactly sure what a huge year is. But you're sure it's not good.

You spy a message engraved across the top of the mirror: "Only those comfortable with their true selves may pass."

• After figuring out solution:

You figure that the best way to reveal your true self is to stand naked in front of the mirror. You stand there checking yourself out, and nothing happens. You get bored and start pretending you're an exotic dancer. Once you start shaking your groove thing, the mirror trembles and shatters. Guess your mojo was more powerful than the mirror's mojo. Now put some pants on, you freak.

You acquire an item: huge mirror shard

Continue to The Entrance Cavern (2)...

References

• The Gate of the Suc Rose may be a reference to Æon Flux. The episode "Utopia or Deuteranopia?" involved a harness that vibrated the wearer to the point that it distorted everything around the wearer, except other things vibrating at the same frequency.
• The Gate of the Suc Rose refers to sucrose (a sugar), which in turn refers to needing a "sugar high" to solve this puzzle.
• The message after breaking the mirror is a reference to Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. One situation Austin has to overcome before facing Dr. Evil is resisting his fembots. They are defeated by a competition of "mojo", ending when Austin strips down to his Union Jack underwear and "shakes his groove thing", causing the fembots to malfunction and be destroyed.
• The message that appears as you approach the mirror is likely a reference to the mirror gate in The Neverending Story.
• The failure message for the Gate of the Porcupine is likely a reference to Dragon Ball, from which phrases involving "power level 9000" originate – many characters have tall, spiky hair in the show which often grows taller and spikier when they 'power to level 9000'. The effect which unlocks the gate itself, however, refer to most JRPGS as oftentimes the protagonist has similarly spiky hair.
• The message for the Gate of Hilarity could refer to Looney Tunes' Coyote and Roadrunner cartoons, in which the former always tries (and fails) to catch the latter.
• The failure message for the Gate of Hilarity is a reference to Groucho Marx's quote, "Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it."
• "Grinning widely" as you "thrust" to break down the Gate of Machismo is almost a certainly a reference to the "Meet Bob" series of commercials for Enzyte, a "natural male enhancement" drug (which is also related to the required effect).
• The Gate of the Mind is likely a reference to the Lights Out game by Tiger Electronics, which involves pressing buttons until all buttons are lit.