The Crimbo Cafe

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The Crimbo Cafe

The Crimbo Cafe is a fixture of the Crimbo holiday season. It is usually present for the duration of the holiday, for those holidays where it is out of business this is usually explained by the Crimbo elves. Until 2013 it operated using the cafe store interface where purchased items are immediately consumed. From 2014 onwards the cafes became normal stores allowing the food and drink to be stored and traded.

Cafe History

  • 2024, Crimbo Cafe and Crimbo Bar selling themed holiday food and drink from around the holiday islands.
  • 2023, For the first time the cafe was split into two locations selling food and drink separately. During the invasion of Crimbo the Crimbucaneers and Elf Guard forces fought for control over these establishments, intermittently changing control and being destroyed by the fighting. The food establishment switching between Crimbuccaneer Grub Hall, Elf Guard Mess Hall, or A Cafe Divided when fighting reduced it to rubble. Similarly the bar switched between Crimbuccaneer Bar and Elf Guard Officers' Club, and The Bar At War when destroyed.
  • 2022, the cafe was closed while the elves rode the new train.
  • 2021, with the cheer generator broken down the cafe served simple fare.
  • 2020, with Abuela settling into her role this was a normal Crimbo but cafe items still had a Mexican flavour mixed with Crimbo.
  • 2019, this was Abuela's first Crimbo in charge and Tammy was busy chasing Dolphin toy-thieves so the cafe items were a mix of Mexican and seafood.
  • 2018, Crimbo town was being rebuilt and the cafe was unstaffed initially, once the cafe elf was located the refreshments were simple owing to the lack of supplies and prep time.
  • 2017, Cheer-o-Vend 3000 dispensed food and drink in exchange for crystalline cheer, this vending machine continues to be accessible to holders of cheer.
  • 2016, Crimbo Lumps Shop formed food and drink from lumps gathered during the cleansing of Uncle Crimbo's shakras.
  • 2015, During this Crimbo season materialism had been defeated and the Cafe was out of business. The elves would provide some food and drink at their The Crimbo Elf Commune in exchange for the adventurer's help, as would the reindeer in their Reindeer Commune.
  • 2014, Crimbo automation was in full swing, but with no external threat the cafe was no longer deemed necessary to operations. The elves were attempting to create suitable meals for the robots in the factory; but had not created anything edible in time for Crimbo, so nothing was on sale.
  • 2013, this was the final year the cafe operated using the cafe mechanic (items are consumed on purchase). Uncle Crimbo had replaced the elves with robots; GORM-8, Food Preparation Robot had taken over the cafe and was providing meals to adventurers exploring the WarBear fortress.
  • 2010, CRIMBCO provided refreshments for their office workers at the CRIMBCO Cafeteria.
  • 2006, Adventurers visited Crimbo in different time periods finding a cafe in each. Place For Eating, The Crimboween Spooky Cafe, Crimborg Nutrition Station.

Crimbo 2012

The Crimbo Cafe was located in Crimboku Town! at The Big Mountains:

Animelf1.gif

Oh hi I didn't see you there but now that I see you if you would care to look I have some delicious food for you to try ha ha! We use only the finest ingredients in our food and drink and if you look at them I am sure you will find one or two things that you would like to eat and or drink okay?

Items Sold

Festive Foods
Rainbow Spider Fun Roll Rainbow Spider Fun Roll (75 Meat, 4 fullness) 6-10 adventures, 3-5 plastic ingots
Vegas Volcano Lava Roll Vegas Volcano Lava Roll (75 Meat, 4 fullness) 6-10 adventures, 3-5 electrical thingamabobs
Crazy Dragon Shogun Buddha Roll Crazy Dragon Shogun Buddha Roll (100 Meat, 5 fullness) 10-15 adventures
Crimbo Cocktails
Crimbo Saketini Crimbo Saketini (50 Meat, 3 drunkenness) 3-6 adventures
Crimboku Drop Crimboku Drop (75 Meat, 4 drunkenness) 6-10 adventures
Flaming Crimbo Log Flaming Crimbo Log (100 Meat, 5 drunkenness) 10-15 adventures
Eat drink be merry ha ha!

Crimbo 2011

The Crimbo Cafe was located in Crimbo Town at The Big Mountains:

Shopelf.gif

So of course when there's a candy shortage, the first place they cut sugar supply is to the café. That makes sense, right? I mean, it's not like I'm cooking for hundreds of elves or anything! I can just make do with less!

Fortunately, I found this cookbook full of delicious no-sugar recipes! All the stuff in there is like our elf food, only with some substitutions. I hope you enjoy it! You'll be the first if you do!

Items Sold

"Festive" Foods
Brussels Sprout Stir-Fry Brussels Sprout Stir-Fry (50 Meat, 3 fullness) 4 adventures
Carrot, Cabbage, and Kale Pizza Carrot, Cabbage, and Kale Pizza (75 Meat, 4 fullness) 7-9 adventures
Turnip and Rutabaga Pie Turnip and Rutabaga Pie (100 Meat, 5 fullness) 12-13 adventures
"Crimbo" Spirits
Desert Island Iced Tea Desert Island Iced Tea (100 Meat, 5 drunkenness) 12-15 adventures
Jerkitini Jerkitini (100 Meat, 5 drunkenness) 12-15 adventures
Horseradish-infused Vodka Horseradish-infused Vodka (100 Meat, 5 drunkenness) 12-15 adventures
Eat, Drink, Be Jolly

Crimbo 2009

The Crimbo Cafe was located in Crimbo Town at The Big Mountains:

Lonelyelf.gif

Gosh, if it isn't one thing it's another in Crimbo Town! The Penguin Mafia have made me stop making my delicious elven delicacies, like gumdrop pizza and licorice chow mein! They've got me making disgusting stuff out of pasta and fish! I really hope things get back to normal, soon -- there's a recipe for bubblegumbo I'm dying to try!

Anyway, I've done the best I can with this stuff. The penguins tell me it's delicious, but I'm afraid to try it. What'll you have?

Oh, and since you're not a penguin, don't worry about paying in Crimbux. Just between you and me, the resistance needs Meat!

Items Sold

Festive Food
Caviar Carbonara Caviar Carbonara (50 Meat, 3 fullness) ?-7-11-? adventures
Halibut Alfredo Halibut Alfredo (75 Meat, 4 fullness) ?-10-15-? adventures
Red Herring Velvet Cake Red Herring Velvet Cake (100 Meat, 5 fullness) ?-14-19-? adventures
Festive Booze
Gin and Herring Gin and Herring (50 Meat, 3 drunkenness) ?-7-11-? adventures
Black and Tan and Red All Over Black and Tan and Red All Over (75 Meat, 4 drunkenness) ?-10-15-? adventures
Antarctic Ice Tea Antarctic Ice Tea (100 Meat, 5 drunkenness) ?-14-19-? adventures
Order!

Crimbo 2008

The Crimbo Cafe was located in Crimbo Town at The Big Mountains:

Until December 24:

Lonelyelf.gif Gosh, I can't believe those Mob Penguins are overunning Crimbo Town! And I can't believe that cheap jerk Uncle Crimbo didn't shield us from the Grimacite radiation! You know, we elves try to put a cheery face on things, but -- well -- do you know if the Flying Oyster is hiring?

Items Sold

Festive Food
Candy Cane Surprise Candy Cane Surprise (50 Meat, 3 fullness) 3-6 adventures
Grimdrop Chow Mein Grimdrop Chow Mein (75 Meat, 4 fullness) ?-6-9-? adventures
Grimgerbread House Grimgerbread House (100 Meat, 5 fullness) 10-15 adventures
Festive Booze
Grimacider Grimacider (50 Meat, 3 drunkenness) 3-6 adventures
Isotope Nog Isotope Nog (75 Meat, 4 drunkenness) ?-6-11-? adventures
Mutagin 'n' Tonic Mutagin 'n' Tonic (100 Meat, 5 drunkenness) 10-15 adventures
Order!

From December 25:

Lonelyelf.gif Welcome back to the Crimbo Cafe! I'm so glad everything's back to normal around here. Well, except for the toy factory full of mutant elves, the mutated trees, and the remaining penguins in the old toy factory. Oh, well. I'm sure we'll have it all sorted out by next year!

Oh, well, at least the half-life on my cooking ingredients seems to have passed. I can finally make good, wholesome food that doesn't give my customers extra heads or fourth nipples!

Uh, I meant third nipples. Yeah, that's what I meant. Eat up!

Items Sold

Festive Food
gingerbread stir-fry gingerbread stir-fry (50 Meat, 3 fullness)
candy cane pizza candy cane pizza (75 Meat, 4 fullness)
gumdrop chow mein gumdrop chow mein (100 Meat, 5 fullness)
Festive Booze
eggnogtini eggnogtini (50 Meat, 3 drunkenness)
candycaine candycaine (75 Meat, 4 drunkenness)
braincracker sweet braincracker sweet (100 Meat, 5 drunkenness)
Order!

From January 1st, 2009:

The door to the Crimbo Cafe is locked, and no matter how hard you knock, no one answers. Then you see a note taped to the window. It reads:
THE HELL WITH THIS. I'M GOING TO COOK FOR THE FLYING OYSTER.

LOVE,
FREDOLAS SHORTORDERCOOK

Crimbo 2007

The Crimbo Cafe was located in Crimbo Town at The Big Mountains:

Shopelf.gif Welcome to the Crimbo Cafe! The alien cyborg infestation is sure a drag, isn't it! I keep getting these weird rubber-wearing freaks coming in here, waving their laser cannons around, ordering the weirdest stuff! The whole thing's pretty ho-ho-horrifying!

You're welcome to the food, if you want it, but you'll have to eat what the cyborgs eat. They've assimilated the whole kitchen, and I can't cook anything else!

Items Sold

Festive Foods:
Soylent Red and Green Soylent Red and Green (50 Meat, 3 fullness) 4-5 adventures
Disc-Shaped Nutrition Unit Disc-Shaped Nutrition Unit (75 Meat, 4 fullness) 6-9 adventures
Gingerborg Hive Gingerborg Hive (100 Meat, 5 fullness) 10-15 adventures
Crimbo Spirits:
Cyder Cyder (50 Meat, 3 drunkenness) 5 adventures
Oil Nog Oil Nog (75 Meat, 4 drunkenness) 6-9 adventures
Hi-Octane Peppermint Jet Fuel Hi-Octane Peppermint Jet Fuel (100 Meat, 5 drunkenness) 10-15 adventures
Consume Mass Quantities!

Crimbo 2005

The Crimbo Cafe was located in Crimbo Town at The Big Mountains:

Shopelf.gif Welcome to the Crimbo Cafe! We're having a bit of a ho-ho-horrible time here in Crimbotown, what with the factory elves on strike and all. But we're still serving festive holiday food, even to those stupid elves. What's your poison?

Items Sold

Crimbotails:
eggnogtini eggnogtini (50 Meat, 3 drunkenness)
candycaine candycaine (75 Meat, 4 drunkenness)
braincracker sweet braincracker sweet (100 Meat, 5 drunkenness)
Crimbo Entrees:
gumdrop chow mein gumdrop chow mein (50 Meat, 3 fullness)
candy cane pizza candy cane pizza (75 Meat, 4 fullness)
gingerbread stir-fry gingerbread stir-fry (100 Meat, 5 fullness)

Notes

References

  • "Consume Mass Quantities!" was a phrase often uttered by The Coneheads.