The Council of Loathing/Path of the Plumber

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When playing the special challenge path of Path of the Plumber, the text from the Council of Loathing has been shroomified:

  • Initial text:
Oh hey! It's Super <player name>! Gosh, this is a real honor, I'm sure you'll have our turtle problem cleared up in no time. Unless this turns out to be some kind of "kaizo" thing, ha ha. Before we get down to business, would you mind making a quick visit to the Toot Oriole? He's a huge fan of yours -- he never picks anyone else when we play Smash.
  • After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:
Hey, welcome back! Looks like the Toot Oriole left you a letter -- I bet he was real bummed about not meeting you in person. Go ahead and give that a read, and then I'll give you the lowdown on this turtle thing!
  • After reading King Ralph's note:
I know you're a man of few words when you're on a job, so I'll keep this brief and just give you the details. ...Actually, I guess I already gave them to you over the phone. A bunch of turtles and mushroom-looking guys invaded and kidnapped our princess! They yelled something about how could they be expected to do a proper kidnapping when we don't have any castles, and we pointed out that we do have one, although it's pretty far up? And they said we ought to have at least eight but they'd try and make do.
We're all kind of frazzled by this turn of events, so I don't have any clear information for you yet, but we're working on it!
In the meantime, you could check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains.
Or maybe the Haunted Pantry is more your style -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks.
Another option is The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. But you didn't hear it from us.
  • When no quests are available:
I'm sorry, <player name>, but we don't have any more information about the princess's whereabouts yet! Did you bring your go-kart with you? You could ride around a little to kill time while you wait.
We don't have anything else for you right now... why don't you go stomp on some of those mushroom guys, or chestnuts, or whatever they are, while we're looking for more info, okay?
Aaaahhh! Oh, whew, it's just you, <player name>. For a second I was afraid that the moon was going to crash into us and destroy us all.


Level 2 - Spooky Forest Quest

  • Initial text:
Okay, Super <player name>, let's get down to business! The first thing we need you to do is go to the Spooky Woods and find a mosquito larva for us! I know, I know -- that doesn't sound very important. It's just... it's like a tradition, okay? It's the traditional first step for heroes around here. I'll be honest, I don't even really remember why. Just think of it as like the first level, where you find out what your weird new ability is for this game. I mean adventure.

  • Subsequent times:
We still need a mosquito larva, Super <player name>! Please find us one, in the Spooky Forest! Then you'll be able to get on with rescuing our princess!

  • When returning with the mosquito larva:
Oh hey, that's a nice-looking mosquito larva. Good job! I'll go and... put it on the pile, I guess. Here's some Meat for your trouble -- that's what we mainly use for currency around here, instead of Coins. Or stars, or crystals, or any of those other miscellaneous tchotchkes you're used to gathering.
Meat.gifYou gain 500 Meat.

Level 3 - Typical Tavern Quest

  • Initial text:
This is good timing, we've just gotten word from the owner of the Typical Tavern -- he says his cellar is infested with rats. He didn't mention turtles, but maybe there's some turtles there too? Although I don't know how turtles would've gotten into his basement, unless a water main leaked or something, but then he'd have a whole different problem. Anyway, I'll mark the level on your world map.
  • Subsequent times:
The guy who runs the Typical Tavern is still pestering us about his infestation. Why don't you go see how many rats you can jump on at once? Ooh, or do you still have those cat pyjamas?

Level 4 - Boss Bat Quest

  • Initial text:
Oh hey, Super <player name>, great news-- what's that? You prefer just <player name>? I figured the Super bit was a title, like 'Doctor', or 'Sir' for a knight. No? Well, okay, if you insist. Anyway, we have reports that someone built a little castle inside the Bat Hole, out on the Nearby Plains. Here, I'll add it to your map, but you'll know it when you see it. It's like one of those green pipes, except without the actual pipe bit. Good luck, Su-- I mean, <player name>!

  • Subsequent times:
Oh, hey, it looks like you haven't rescued the Princess from the Bat Hole yet. I mean, I'm kind of assuming she's in there? I don't know why someone would build an underground castle if they weren't planning to put a kidnapped princess in it. Anyway, please hurry!

  • After defeating the Boss Bat:
Great job defeating the invading turtle forces in the Bat Hole! Did you rescue Princess Ralph? ...She wasn't in their castle? Well, that's a problem. I guess she must be in a different one. We haven't gotten any reports of any other castles being built, though. Gosh, I hope she's okay!

Level 5 - The King of Cobb's Knob Quest

  • Initial text:
Hey, <player name>! We've gotten word that someone's planted a weird-looking flag over at Cobb's Knob -- sort of a yelling dragon face, or something? That must be where the invaders have struck next! Cobb's Knob is more of an underground cave system than a castle, but the Knob Goblins basically furnished it like a castle, and they have a king, so that probably counts, right? That must be where the princess is being kept!

We have this map that shows a secret entrance to the Knob, so you should be able to sneak in that way. Unfortunately, the weird symbols on the map aren't just a one-for-one cryptogram of English, so we can't read it. You'll have to search around for a decryption key. It seems like a lot of the Knob Goblin guards have been coerced into fighting for the invaders, so maybe you can get a key off of one of them? Good luck!

  • Before accessing the inside of the Knob:
You're gonna have to find a key to decode that Cobb's Knob map if you're gonna rescue the princess from the invaders, <player name>! Try bopping some of the guards around there, one of them ought to have it.

  • After accessing the inside of the Knob:
Have you finished searching Cobb's Knob for the princess, <player name>? They're probably holding her in the throne room, that's how this sort of situation usually works.
  • After defeating the Goblin King:
<player name>! Welcome back! ...What's that? The princess wasn't in the goblin king's throne room? This is terrible! Where could they have taken her??

Level 6 - Deep Fat Friars' Gate Quest

  • Initial text:
Oh, <player name>, we've just had a message from the Deep Fat Friars, in the Distant Woods. They don't have anything like a castle, but it seems they've accidentally opened some magic portals, and that may explain where these turtle invaders came from. You'd better shut them down before we we get totally overrun!

  • Subsequent times:
The magic portals at the Deep Fat Friars' grove are still open! Hurry to the Distant Woods and get them closed! We don't want anything weirder than turtles coming through here, like little mushroom people or anything!

Level 7 - Undefile the Cyrpt Quest

  • Initial text:
<player name>! Another one of those mean-looking flags has been planted at the Cyrpt, near the Misspelled Cemetary! That's kind of like a castle, I guess? A castle for dead people? Sure, why not.
Here, take this -- our scientists made these scanner devices to detect evil. Except, these turtles don't really seem to be evil in the same sense as the horrible undead abominations we usually track with these scanners, so I had the guys rejigger it to detect turtles. These specific turtles. You know, about a full sixth of the adventurer population around here is specially skilled at hunting and taming turtles? Like, that's their whole thing? It turns out these invaders are a little too different for their skills to help much, though. Maybe it's something to do with how they can take their shells off. You know how a turtle's shell is its actual spine, and also its rib cage? Yeah, so, it's pretty weird that these ones can do that.
  • Subsequent times:
The Turtliness still emanates from the Cyrpt, <player name>! Hurry there and rescue our kidnapped princess!

  • After defeating the Bonerdagon:
We saw that the flag outside of the Cyrpt was lowered and replaced with your first initial, so that means you cleared the level and rescued the princess, right? What, she wasn't there? Darn it! I guess we'll have to keep looking!

Level 8 - Mt. McLargeHuge Quest

  • Initial text:
Hey, <player name>! We just got word from a guy who lives at the bottom of Mt. McLargehuge in the Big Mountains -- he said there's some kind of trouble! He did not actually say what the trouble was, but it's probably these turtle guys, right? A mountain is basically a natural castle, after all. No, seriously, they're quite similar when you think about it. Tall, made of stone. Probably a third thing I can't think of right now? Anyway, I'll mark your map with where he is.

  • Subsequent times:
Hey <player name>, don't forget about that whole thing with the Trapper at Mt. McLargehuge. I don't have a good explanation for how I know you haven't finished that yet, but uh... anyway, just beat that level, okay? That's what levels are for.

Level 9 - Orc Chasm Quest

  • Initial text:
<player name>! Big news! We got a message from one of the Kingdom's minor nobles, Black Angus. I can't believe I didn't think of this before, but he lives in -- well, not a castle, really, it's basically just a tower. But it's closer to being a castle than anything else in the Kingdom, other than the weird floating one! His message said he needs help, although once again he didn't actually say why or anything. And also it would probably be hard for the turtles to get across the Orc Chasm to get there? But you've got to check it out, just in case!

<player name>! Some mail came for you! Maybe it's from the princess! That seems unlikely and weird that her captors would let her mail you a letter, but you never know? Maybe her guard is a horny computer or something.
Guildapp.gifYou acquire an item: strange leaflet
  • Subsequent times:
Hurry and check out Black Angus's tower, <player name>! Time's a-wasting! ...Not that we've been given any kind of ultimatum or ransom demands yet? But still, you've got to rescue the princess as soon as possible!

Level 10 - Giant Trash Quest

  • Initial text:
Well, <player name>, I was hoping that we could continue ignoring that castle hovering around up in the sky above the Kingdom. It's a real pain to get there, so I figured the invaders wouldn't bother with it. But now there's all kinds of garbage raining down out of there and onto the Nearby Plains, so I can only assume those turtles have gotten in and are trashing the place! Please head to the Nearby Plains at once, and try to find a way up there! That's got to be where they're holding our Princess captive, right? Right?
  • Subsequent times:
"Please hurry and stop those turtles throwing trash on us from the castle in the sky, <player name>! Oh, and the princess! Don't forget to rescue the princess too!

  • After completing the quest:
What's that, <player name>? Princess Ralph wasn't in the castle in the sky? But that's the only actual castle in the whole kingdom! Where could they have possibly taken her?? I'm freaking out here! I guess at least you stopped all the trash that was raining down on us, though, and that's not nothing. Yes, that's good. Happy thoughts. Whew.
Here, why don't you take this thing we found in the trash. Maybe it'll be useful to you?
Bottlecap.gifYou acquire an item: giant discarded bottlecap
Tornglove.gifYou acquire an item: giant discarded torn-up glove

Level 11 - Quest for the Holy MacGuffin

  • Initial text:
<player name>! We've just gotten word that your father -- that tall guy, dresses in green, that's your father, right? -- has gone missing while on a separate adventure from yours! ...Oh no, wait, I read that wrong. He's finished a separate adventure from yours, and is taking a vacation on a nice resort in Hawaii. But his diary of his adventure has gone missing. It turned out he accidentally left it at his hotel in the Distant Lands, and he asks if you wouldn't mind picking it up for him. Sheesh, we don't have time for this!
Hmm, his letter keeps going... apparently he was on the trail of some kind of magical whatchamacallit called the Holy MacGuffin, but he never worked out the last few puzzles... hey, maybe if you got his diary and found that thing, that would help us fight these turtles? That seems like a great plan!
You can get to the Distant Lands from the Travel Agency at the Shore, but you'll need a passport, and a lot of our minor government facilities are closed right now, because of the attack and all. I think there's a Black Market somewhere where you could get one? Probably it's near the Black Forest? I'll put that down on your World Map for you.
  • Subsequent times:
Any luck getting your father's diary and recovering the Holy MacGuffin? It's a pretty important whatchamacallit! I think! I'm pretty sure we need that to fight off these turtles, <player name>! I mean, you'll defeat their bosses and all for sure, but there's still gonna be a lot of minions for the rest of us to clean up afterwards.
  • After completing the quest:
Wow wow! You really did it, <player name>! You brought back the Holy MacGuffin! Gosh, I bet your father will be real proud of you! ...What's that? That tall green guy is your brother? Uhhh just so you know, telling people that your father is also your brother is kind of a strange and uncomfortable admission, okay?
Anyway! Hopefully we'll be able to figure out how this thing works and put it to good use. Let's have a quick party before you go back to trying to rescue our princess! Yay! What's that? He's not your father? Look, if your mother had an affair, that isn't any of my business.
Confetti.gifYou acquire an item: handful of confetti

Level 12 - Mysterious Island Quest

  • Initial text:
<player name>! <player name>! Terrible news! I mean, we were already dealing with terrible news, but now there's more of it! The hippies and frat boys that live on the Mysterious Island are on the edge of going to war! I don't know how that's related to the turtle invasion, if at all -- maybe the turtles sent spies in to agitate them? Or maybe it was just a result of the general all-around tension in the air? Anyway!
What's that? No no, we don't want you to prevent the war, we want you to start it! Those guys have been dancing around each other for ages, and it's really time they just get it over with. You know how sometimes in a movie there'll be two characters that have this huge sexual tension but neither one makes a move and you're just like for the love of god just kiss already!!? it's like that except war.
  • Subsequent times:
Hey <player name>, have you managed to start the war on the Mysterious Island yet? Maybe there's something in particular you can do to make them mad, or something?
  • After starting the war:
Great job, <player name>, you've managed to start a war between the hippies and frat boys! Now as soon as you finish that war, everything will have calmed down enough for you to go back to looking for Princess Ralph! What's that? Nahhh, I bet it'll be easy for you to fight a whole war by yourself! You're Super <player name>, after all!
  • After defeating the hippies or the frat boys:
Great job putting a stop to that war, <player name>! ...What?! B-B-B-Bowser?!? He was there?! That fiend! I should have known he was behind this the whole time! I mean, he's always behind it! It's actually gotten pretty boring how he's always behind it!
...What? He didn't have the princess? He didn't even know about the princess? Well, that's strange! If the turtles didn't kidnap Princess Ralph, who could it possibly be??
Oh right, your war medal. Nearly forgot. Here you go.
SomethingYou acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]

Level 13 - Naughty Sorceress Quest

  • Initial text:
<player name>! Big news! The Naughty Sorceress has announced some kind of contest at her tower! She's the main villain of this entire kingdom, and her tower is the only remotely castle-like structure left, and it's the last area of the game, so that's got to be where Princess Ralph is imprisoned! The security there is pretty high, so you'll probably have to go through whatever this weird contest deal is, but I'm sure that won't be any problem for you!

  • Subsequent times:
Be strong, <player name>! Defeat the Naughty Sorceress and rescue Princess Ralph! The Sorceress's tower is on the main map, to the right of the Nearby Plains!

  • After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:
Wow! Wow! <player name>, you did it! You defeated... whoever that weirdo was... and rescued Princess Ralph! Hip hip hooray!
...What? You left Princess Ralph tied up in the tower? ...I mean, if you were just really excited to come back here and tell me you'd found her, I appreciate that! But it does seem like one heck of an oversight.