The Council of Loathing/Grey You

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When playing the special challenge path of Grey You, the text from the Council of Loathing is as follows:

  • Initial text:
Welcome, Adventurer. Your first-- say, are you feeling all right? You're looking awfully gray. And not in the way that someone who's ill normally looks kind of gray. I mean you look rgb (127, 127, 127). Sorry, what did you say? No, see, when you open your mouth, all I hear is a sort of staticky buzzing drone.
All right, well, whatever -- it's not like you're the weirdest adventurer I've ever had to deal with. Although you certainly are in the running. Just go see the Toot Oriole in the Big Mountains, and come back here when you're done with that.
  • After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:
Welcome back, Adventurer. I can see that you've been to visit the Toot Oriole. What gives it away is that he uses a distinctive cream-colored stationery, and I can see the corner of the envelope sticking out of your chest. Why don't you go ahead and... pull that out of there, and give the letter a read before we get to business. I can already tell that this is gonna be a fun one.
  • After reading King Ralph's note:
I don't actually have anything for you to do right away, Adventurer. Weirdly, there aren't any crazy all-consuming disasters afflicting the Kingdom at the moment. Mmm, no, I still can't make out what you're saying, unless you're just saying "Zzzzzzzzzzzzz." I'm pretty sure there are adventures later where you say actual words to people, so hopefully you'll have figured that out by then.
Anyway, in the meantime, you could check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains.
Or maybe the Haunted Pantry is more your style -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks.
Another option is The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. I bet you'll do great there, you have natural camouflage.


Level 2 - Spooky Forest Quest

  • Initial text:
Okay, here's a little job for you, Adventurer -- we need a mosquito larva. Sometimes we have a good reason for wanting one, but this isn't one of those times, really. It's just sort of traditional by now. Also it helps determine for certain if you're actually an adventurer, and not just a hallucination or a ghost or a prank, like that time some kids put a mannequin on roller skates and pushed it in front of my desk.
In any case, the best place to find a mosquito larva is in the Spooky Forest, which is found in the Distant Woods. We'll mark it on your map for you.
  • Subsequent times:
Any luck finding that mosquito larva? I'm still not convinced you're an actual person, you know. There's a swampy area in the Spooky Forest that should have one, just be careful not to fall in and forget which bit is you.
  • When returning with the mosquito larva:
Oh hey -- that is a genuine mosquito larva that you've pulled out of your torso and put on my desk. Good. Great. I guess you are a real adventurer after all, although I am going to have to reevaluate your ranking in the Weirdest Adventurer Ever standings. Is it my imagination, or are you a little bit bigger than you were before? It's probably just my imagination.
Do you have any use for Meat? No, don't answer, your "voice" makes my eardrums itch.
Meat.gifYou gain 500 Meat.

Level 3 - Typical Tavern Quest

  • Initial text:
All right, time to see if you can interact with ordinary people in a way that won't freak them out. Don't worry -- even our most regular adventurers have trouble with that sometimes. The owner of the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods, is having some kind of rat problem. If you take care of it, he'll reward you, though I can't promise the reward will make any sense to your bizarre physiology.
  • Subsequent times:
We got a call from the Typical Tavern -- they're still having rat problems over there. I have no idea what motivates a person who is -- as far as I can determine without touching you -- entirely made of gray sludge, but if you want more jobs from us, I need you to take care of this one.

Level 4 - Boss Bat Quest

  • Initial text:
Okay, Adventurer, here's your first for-real assignment: go to the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains, and kill the Boss Bat. It's not that he's been making any particular trouble, really, but if we're going to send you out to slay more troublesome beasts in the future, we kind of need to test out your beast-slaying capability now -- and the Boss Bat is not a beast that's going to be missed. Even the local wildlife preservation organizations think he's a jerk. Mainly because he keeps eating members of the local wildlife preservation organizations. But anyway, go out there and... spook him to death? I don't have a sense of what your deal is yet.
Please stop staring at me like that.
  • Subsequent times:
You haven't slain the Boss Bat yet, Adventurer. I'd offer you some advice, but I haven't actually left this office since I accepted the job, and I barely remember what life is like outside. For all I know, everyone out there is a gray shambling creature like yourself, though I suppose someone would have mentioned it to me if that were the case.
  • After defeating the Boss Bat:
So, you've successfully slain the Boss Bat! I can tell, because you're significantly larger than the last time I saw you, for some reason. I'm just going to say congratulations, and try not to think about the implications too much. Congratulations!

Level 5 - The King of Cobb's Knob Quest

  • Initial text:
Adventurer... you know, I feel like I should have some kind of clever nickname for you. Grayventurer? Advengooer? All right, maybe not.
Adventurer, we've gotten word that the Knob Goblins of Cobb's Knob are planning a major military action against Seaside Town. Or at least, that's the excuse we usually use. Look, I don't expect you to understand local politics. All I expect is for you to get into Cobb's Knob, and "neutralize" the Goblin King. I say "neutralize" with quotes around it, because I have no idea what you actually do, and I'm sure I sleep better not knowing.
I wouldn't be surprised if you can just squeeze through any little hole to get into Cobb's Knob, but in case you can't or prefer not to, here's a map our spies have recovered. Unfortunately, it's encoded, and you'll have to find the decryption key to use it. Here you go -- oh wow, it just went straight into you, huh? Looks like I'm starting drinking early today.
Map.gifYou acquire an item: Cobb's Knob map
  • Before accessing the inside of the Knob:
You need to find your way into Cobb's Knob, Adventurer. Try looking around the Outskirts for a clue that might help you figure out that map we gave you. Or maybe you already picked one up without noticing? Try looking inside yourself, although not in a psychological or spiritual way. You know, you kind of remind me of your rival for Weirdest Adventurer I've Ever Had to Deal With, except they were more transparent and jelly-like. Any relation?
  • After accessing the inside of the Knob:
We still need you to neutralize the Goblin King, Adventurer! It should be easy for someone as... whatever you are, as you are.
Maybe a disguise would help? Can you... make yourself look more like a goblin? No, don't try it here, I don't want to see that.
  • After defeating the Goblin King:
I hear you've slain the Goblin King! Good j-- is that his foot sticking out of you, there? Oh, never mind, it's gone. Guess you just weren't quite finished yet. Ha ha. So, you just shove a guy into you, huh? That's how you do? I'm sure our science guys would love to get their hands -- or rather, tongs -- on you, but you know, I think this is one mystery I'm comfortable not knowing anything else about. You just run along, and I'll send an intern out to get my valium refilled.

Level 6 - Deep Fat Friars' Gate Quest

  • Initial text:
We've received word that the Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods are in trouble -- apparently one of their mystical rituals went wrong, and they accidentally summoned a bunch of demons. I figured you'd be the perfect choice to take care of this, because you probably don't have a soul. I'm sorry, that sounded kind of insulting when I said it out loud like that.
  • Subsequent times:
The Deep Fat Friars still require your assistance -- you can find them in the Distant Woods. Don't, uh, don't shake hands with them or anything, okay? We need those guys. I don't know for what exactly, but they're probably important for some reason, and I can't have them getting... dissolved, or assimilated, or whatever you do to things.

Level 7 - Undefile the Cyrpt Quest

  • Initial text:
Here's another job that seems up your alley. The sort of mission where there aren't any sensitive politics involved, so I don't have to worry about sending a frightening monster to go fix it. ...I guess that's kind of harsh. For all I know, you're a perfectly normal person who just happens to have gray skin and gray staring doll eyes, and absorbs things and possibly people into your body mass, never to be seen again. Where was I?
Oh yes, the mission. There's a cyrpt near the Misspelled Cemetary that has been exuding more Spookiness than normal for this time of year, and we'd like you to go check it out and make sure nothing horrible is living there. Or more likely, unliving there. And if there is, make it even more unliving.
This gizmo should help, probably. I'm gonna want that back, so don't consume it or anything.
Evilometer.gifYou acquire an item: Evilometer
  • Subsequent times:
The Spookiness still emanates from the Cyrpt, Adventurer. I don't know how we know that. Yelp reviews, probably. Please take care of that as soon as possible -- if it helps, try taking a sort of professional pride in being the spookiest thing around here, and crushing potential spooky upstarts.
  • After defeating the Bonerdagon:
Aha, so it was the Bonerdagon up to its old tricks again, eh? I can tell by the bit of wing-bone sticking out of you. Ah jeez, would you mind not shedding big globs of yourself onto the floor? I'll need to find someone with a hazmat suit to clean... oh, they've crawled away. You're self-cleaning! That's really great. I'm sure that won't be a problem later! Ha ha! Dammit, I'm nearly out of pills again.

Level 8 - Mt. McLargeHuge Quest

  • Initial text:
We've gotten a letter from the Trapper, at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge -- he's having some kind of problem, I guess, though he doesn't really specify what kind. How do you feel about extreme cold? The jelly adventurer I mentioned before, they seemed more-or-less okay with it. Regardless, we need you to go see what the guy wants and take care of whatever the problem is. So, dress up warm if that's a thing for you. And please don't absorb all the snow, I like to go skiing there sometimes.
  • Subsequent times:
You still have unfinished business with the Trapper, Adventurer. Oh, that sounded a little bit menacing, maybe? I do not mean that you need to kill and absorb him into your weird gray mass of a body. That's the opposite of what I want. The Trapper is another one of those guys who I'm not really sure what he's for, but who probably serves some kind of important function to the Kingdom.

Level 9 - Orc Chasm Quest

  • Initial text:
Sorry to trouble you with this, Adventurer, but we've gotten a... shall we say... cryptic message from Black Angus, one of the Kingdom's minor nobles. He's having some kind of problem that he needs assistance with. Isn't it a little weird how the same people always have basically the same problems, regardless of whether there's any kind of disaster going on in the Kingdom or not? Oh well, I don't get paid to answer existential questions -- I get paid to be a calm and unflappable adventurer-relations manager, able to roll with the punches no matter how weird the situation. Or the adventurer. They let me write whiskey off on my expense account! Ha ha! Accounting's gonna love this one!
Aaaanyway, Black Angus's tower is on the other side of the Orc Chasm. Here, I'll mark it on your map. Hmm... say, if I stick the end of this pencil into you, can you sharpen it for me? Great, thanks!
Your name is <playername>, right? This came in the mail for you. Is it rude if I act surprised that you have a name?
Guildapp.gifYou acquire an item: strange leaflet
  • Subsequent times:
The Highland Lord, Black Angus, still needs your help, Adventurer. Hey, someone told me you're fighting ghosts out there, or will be anyway. Can you absorb ghosts? How does that work??

Level 10 - Giant Trash Quest

  • Initial text:
Oh man. Oh man, oh man. Have I got the job for you!
Have you seen the Nearby Plains lately? Massive amounts of trash are falling out of the sky, way more than we can possibly clean up on our own! But you, you like... absorb stuff, right? You could just... oh, wait. You'd get really, really big, wouldn't you. I mean, you seem friendly enough, in a menacing-blank-stare sort of way, but maybe I shouldn't be facilitating that sort of thing, just in case.
Okay, Plan B: see if you can find the source of all that falling garbage, and stop whatever's causing it, while absorbing no more matter than you actually need to, okay?
  • Subsequent times:
The garbage is still piling up on the Nearby Plains, Adventurer! I don't know if you have a sense of smell or not, but trust me, it's getting real bad.
  • After completing the quest:
I'm not sure what you did, and I don't want to know because it would probably give me nightmares, but you stopped the falling garbage! And you did it without becoming noticeably larger than before! That's great! Even though it probably just means you've been sloughing off more gray blobs of yourself to wander off to who knows where, to have who knows what consequences later. Oh well! Long-term consequences are yet another thing I don't get paid to think about. Here, have a thing we found.
Bottlecap.gifYou acquire an item: giant discarded bottlecap
Tornglove.gifYou acquire an item: giant discarded torn-up glove
Giantfork.gifYou acquire an item: giant discarded plastic fork

Level 11 - Quest for the Holy MacGuffin

  • Initial text:
Ah, Adventurer, excellent timing. We've just received a message from the Distant Lands. It seems that a renowned archaeologist -- who is definitely not your father, because ha ha ha, what are you? -- has gone missing. He was researching a thing called the Holy MacGuffin, some kind of ancient artifact of almost unimaginable plot importance. He left behind his diary, and a coat check ticket to claim it with. Which means someone -- or something, or someyou -- needs to go out there and pick it up.
You can get there from the Travel Agency at The Shore, but unfortunately, we can't officially issue you a passport, because what are you?? So you'll have to go get a forged passport from the Black Market, which is usually somewhere in the Black Forest.
Once you've got the diary, we need you to use the information inside it to track down the Holy MacGuffin, and bring it back to us here. Please don't eat it, no matter how much it looks like delicious candy to you.
  • Subsequent times:
Any luck getting that (entirely unrelated to you no matter what any of the adventure text says) archaeologist's diary and recovering the Holy MacGuffin? It's really important, for reasons that I definitely actually know and just can't tell you about.
  • After completing the quest:
Wow! You actually brought back the Holy MacGuffin! And it isn't gooified at all! Great job, Adventurer! You know, your face and the implications of your existence still give me the screaming jibblies, but you're an alright... thing. I gotta hand it to you, you're starting to grow on me. Oh, no, that's a really bad idiom for this context. Forget I said that, please.
Anyway, we usually do a parade after this, but I'd rather not frighten people by showing you to them. Here, have some confetti.
Confetti.gifYou acquire an item: handful of confetti

Level 12 - Mysterious Island Quest

  • Initial text:
So, there's an island nearby called the Mysterious Island of Mystery. What's so mysterious about it, you might ask, if you had a voice that my brain could recognize as speech? Basically just the name, because the guys who live there are a pretty obvious bunch. Well, two bunches -- frat boys and hippies. Thing is, though, we'd prefer it if we could reduce that number of bunches by at least one.
Fortunately, they're pretty much always at each others' throats anyway, and it wouldn't take much to set off a full-on war. So, how about going out there and setting off a full-on war? Report back to me here after you've done that.

  • Subsequent times:
Any luck starting that war on the Mysterious Island yet? I know political stuff isn't really your wheelhouse, but it shouldn't be that hard to start a war between people for whom a lack of war is the exception rather than the rule.

  • After starting the war:
Excellent work, Adventurer! Now that those jerks are fighting, it's time to clean up. In a literal sense. Which is something that you seem particularly suited to!
Now, I'm not suggesting that you go in there and personally eat every soldier. That would be absolutely horrific, and also it would take a long time. But, y'know, if you decided that was how you wanted to do things, it's not like I could stop you, right? Bring back some rum if you find any, I'm going through this whiskey like whoosh. Holding my liquor, that's what they pay me the big steaks for.

  • After defeating the hippies/frat boys:
Good job, Adventurer! You rid the island of those [smelly hippies/jerk frat boys]! How many of them did you convert into more of you? Ha ha, don't tell me! I honestly don't even want to know if you've learned to talk human language yet. That would be even worse!
Congratulations, you're a decorated war hero now. Do you mind if I just throw this medal at you and see if it goes "blop"?
Ha ha ha it totally did!
SomethingYou acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]
  • After defeating both sides:
Wossname.gifYou acquire an item: Order of the Silver Wossname

Level 13 - Naughty Sorceress Quest

  • Initial text:
Well, Adventurer, it's come down to this. The last mission. The last hurdle before you've proven yourself to really be an unstoppable, all-devouring force of nature, though I assume not local nature. The Naughty Sorceress has announced a contest and opened her tower, and if you can defeat her, then may the gods have mercy on us all.
Her lair is east of the Nearby Plains. Have fun! I'm gonna see how much whiskey it takes to fill this bucket.
  • Subsequent times:
Oh, hi. I don't have any more quests to give you -- beating the Naughty Sorceress is the last thing for you to do. The last thing for me to do is to get absholutely blackout drunk before the world comes to an end. Oh! I actually slurred a little there! It's working!
  • After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:
Well hey! You did it! You defeated the Naughty Sorceress! We're all boned, huh? Like, totally effed? Is it too much to hope that in your adventures and travels, you've acquired a deep appreciation for the human race, and have decided that we can all live together in harmony, instead of just devouring us all and everything else until this whole world is just an undifferentiated gray mass?
Ah, whatever. I'm too thoroughly sauced to care much either way. Frankly, you'd be doing me a favor -- I'm not looking forward to the hangover I've got coming. Just do me one last actual favor, okay? Go back up to the top of the Sorceress's tower, and free the King from the prism up there. He's gonna want to see this.