The Council of Loathing/Grey Goo

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When playing the special challenge path of Grey Goo, the text from the Council of Loathing discussed the current state of the kingdom:

  • Initial text:
Welcome, Adventurer. Your first order of business should be to visit the Toot Oriole. He lives atop Mt. Noob, in the Big Mountains. Um, don't cut through the Nearby Plains to get there, that place is a real mess right now. Some kind of gross meteor smashed into the Naughty Sorceress's tower and covered the entire Plains with grey sludge. Super gross, zero stars would not recommend. What are we doing about it? Well, right now we're trying out a sort of "wait and see if it goes away on its own" plan.
  • After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:
Welcome, Adventurer! It looks like you've got some business to take care of before we put you to work. Some mail to read, perhaps? In these messed-up times, you should cherish that sort of thing.
  • After reading King Ralph's note:
We don't have anything you can help us with right now, Adventurer. You should go explore a little, get your bearings, and come back when you're a little stronger.
You could check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains. Oh wait -- no. No, don't do that. I'm pretty sure that isn't even there anymore. I wonder what happened to the goblins? They were already kind of gross, so probably they adapted pretty well.
Maybe try the Haunted Pantry instead -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks.
Another option is The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. But you didn't hear it from us.
  • When no quests are available:
Unfortunately, there are no more tasks required of you by the Council at this time. Usually, we'd've had more stuff for you to do, but y'know, that whole grey goo thing. Say, do you have a mop and a bucket? Maybe you could-- no? You sure? Well, all right.


Level 2 - Spooky Forest Quest

  • Initial text:
We require your aid, Adventurer. We need a mosquito larva -- we're going to try and breed a mosquito that drinks grey goo instead of blood. I don't know much about insects or genetics in general, but it seems like a pretty feasible plan to me. In any case, the best place to find a mosquito larva is in the Spooky Forest, which is found in the Distant Woods. We'll mark it on your map for you.
  • Subsequent times:
We still need a mosquito larva, Adventurer. Please find us one, in the Spooky Forest. Don't be like these dumb scientists that keep telling me my goo-eating mosquito idea isn't going to work.
  • When returning with the mosquito larva:
Thanks for the larva, Adventurer! I'm sure the science team will have our whole grey goo problem solved in no time, with this. Assuming they can find the time to stop rolling their eyes at me and get to work.
Meat.gifYou gain 500 Meat.

Level 3 - Typical Tavern Quest

  • Initial text:
We've received word that the owner of the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods, is having a bit of a rat problem. Not surprising, considering all the rats that poured out of the Plains when the meteor hit. I'm sure he'd reward you if you took care of it for him.
  • Subsequent times:
The owner of the Typical Tavern is still bugging us about his rat problems. Perhaps you could help him? It's gotta be more fun than fighting sludge monsters, right? Plus you might get some free drinks out of it, and I don't think you want the drinks you'd get out of the sludge monsters.

Level 6 - Deep Fat Friars' Gate Quest

  • Initial text:
The Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods are having a problem -- one of the experiments has gone awry, and fey creatures have invaded their grove. Different ones than the fey monsters that have invaded everywhere else! Wait, are 'fey' and 'grey' the same thing? Yes, yes, I know that things aren't the same just because they rhyme. I learned that lesson the hard way.
  • Subsequent times:
The Deep Fat Friars still require your assistance. You can find them in the Distant Woods. I probably don't even need to tell you that, since there aren't many places to go looking for them anymore.

Level 8 - Mt. McLargeHuge Quest

  • Initial text:
Adventurer! We've received an urgent letter from the Trapper, requesting our assistance. We're, like, really busy right now with this grey goo everywhere, so we were hoping you could go out to his place and see what he wants. However, if what he wants is to tell us that a second meteor has covered the mountains in slime, we'd kind of prefer that you don't tell us.
He lives at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge, the tallest of the Big Mountains. We'll mark it on your map for you.
  • Subsequent times:
You still have unfinished business with the Trapper, Adventurer. Either that or I'm too busy with this grey goo clean-up project to deal with you right now. Since I don't really have a way to know what your situation is with the Trapper, that second one is more likely. See where I'm going with this?

Level 9 - Orc Chasm Quest

  • Initial text:
Sorry to trouble you with this, Adventurer, but we've gotten a... shall we say... cryptic message from Black Angus -- he's one of Loathing's minor nobles.
It's usually safe to ignore him, but he sounded pretty agitated. If the gray goo has spread to his territory, that would be real bad.
Could you do us a favor and go to his tower, in the Highlands? The Highlands are just on the other side of the Orc Chasm. We'll mark it on your map. Just check and make sure his problem isn't goo-related. If it isn't, go ahead and do whatever he needs done, it can't be as big a mess as this.
Your name is <name>, right? This came in the mail for you. Don't worry, we wiped the goo off of it. By which I mean we made an intern do that.
Guildapp.gifYou acquire an item: strange leaflet
  • Subsequent times:
The Highland Lord, Black Angus, still needs your help, Adventurer. Please deal with his whatever it is, before he fills up our entire voicemail box.

Level 12 - Mysterious Island Quest

  • Initial text:
Adventurer, we have heard rumors that trouble is brewing on the Mysterious Island of Mystery. The hippies and frat boys are agitating for war. I mean, they've always been a little tense with each other, but now it's getting serious.
We 100% do not have the time or patience to deal with this, so we're sending you to deal with it instead. Peace talks tend to be such a drawn-out process though, so we figure things will be solved much more quickly with a more... accelerationist tactic. I mean, it has 'acceleration' right there in the name of the tactic, right?
So, your job is to go start a war, and then finish a war. As fast as possible. Without bugging us.
  • Subsequent times:
Hey, have you managed to start the war on the Mysterious Island yet? If you can't get them sufficiently worked up, try assassinating Franz Ferdinand. Historically, that tends to work.
  • After starting the war:
Excellent work, adventurer! You've finally managed to get those idiots to fight each other. Now you've got to make sure the battle ends before the tourist season, so that there's anywhere for anyone to go during tourist season. They sure won't be visiting the Bat Hole, that's for sure.
If you're not making enough progress, you should try helping some of the other denizens of the island. Unlike every other fantasy Kingdom in the world, if you're stuck you should visit every location and talk to everyone.
  • After defeating the hippies:
Good job, adventurer! You finally rid the island of those smelly hippies. They smelled worse than the grey goo, even! At least, so I'm told. I haven't actually left this room since the meteor hit.
Now, if only there were something we could do about the frat boys. Oh well, at least they make good margaritas.
Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to your head.
SomethingYou acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]
  • After defeating the frat boys:
Great work, adventurer! You finally rid the island of those jerk frat boys. Hmm, I wonder if we could recruit the hippy military to fight this grey goo for us? ...On second thought, given a choice between the grey goo and patchouli, I'll take the goo.
Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to your head.
SomethingYou acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]
  • After defeating both sides:
Wossname.gifYou acquire an item: Order of the Silver Wossname