The Big Wisniewski

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You walk through the carnage of the battlefield, feeling your anger (and your gorge) rise with every casualty you see. True, most of them are casualties that you created, but it still makes you mad to see life wasted like that. I mean, you're supposed to be beating up hippies and frat boys to steal their loot and pass the time, not because there's some damn war going on. Senseless violence isn't as much fun if there's a purpose behind it.

You glance through the mist obscuring the battlefield (there always seems to be mist on a battlefield -- some say it's to obscure the parts that haven't finished loading yet, but you don't know what that means) and see a chubby, unkempt figure dressed in a bathrobe, pajama pants, and very improbable sandals. It must be... it is... the Great Wisniewski, the hippy who has the respect and awe of all of the hippies in the hippy camp. Surely, together, you can find a way to end the war. You cautiously approach, making sure not to spill his beverage.

"Mr. Wisniewski!" you say.

"Hey, I'm not Mr. Wisniewski, man," he says. "Just call me 'This Guy.' That's me."

"Okay...umm...This Guy, this stupid war has got to stop. It has to end here." He stares at you blankly, so you try to speak his language. "This is the end, beautiful friend," you say. "Can you picture what will be? So limitless and free..."

He spins around angrily. "No way, man! Those rotten frat boys killed our pet ferret! They entered a world of pain when they did that. A world of pain."

"The ferret committed suicide!" you say.

This Guy's eyes go wide. "That's what the Man wants you to think, man!" he shouts. "It was a huge conspiracy, man. No way the ferret acted alone. I mean, if you look at the angle at which the ferret struck the pavement, man, you'll see that -- well, there's some information that's been brought to light -- I mean, do you really think you should be talking to me that way, when I have this information -- I mean, they killed our ferret, man! That ferret really tied the camp together!"

"Well," you say, "since I can't talk some sense into you, maybe I can beat some into you. Bring it on."

Oh, It's Already Been Broughten.


The Big Wisniewski
Monster ID 545
Locations The Hippy Camp (Wartime)
Hit Points 2000
Attack 250
Defense 225
Initiative 60
Meat None
Phylum hippy
Elements stench
Resistance None
Monster Parts arm, head, leg, torso
Drops
solid gold bowling ball
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
The Big Wisniewski You're fighting The Big Wisniewski

This guy, known mostly by his nickname, "This Guy," is the very embodiment of hippy slackerism. Or maybe slippy hackerism. Anyway, he doesn't have a job, never showers, wears a bathrobe and pajama pants most of the time, and generally spends his days in a confused fog brought on by herbal smoke and White Canadians, his beverage of choice.

Hit Message(s):

He pulls a bowling ball out of his bathrobe, looks unsure how it got there, then shrugs and drops it. On your toe. Ouch! Ouch! Argh! Ugh! Argh! Eek! Oof!

He squints at you and starts a long, rambling diatribe about "certain new information" and "things coming to light." You doze off for a bit and hit your head on a rock. Argh! Eek! Ugh! Ugh! Oof! Argh! Argh! Oof!

You accidentally bump his arm, spilling his White Canadian. He shouts "Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!" and smacks you. Ugh! Ouch! Ouch! Ow! Argh! Ugh! Ow! Ow! Argh!

He produces a marmot from inside his bathrobe. Before you can say "nice marmot," he throws it at you! It rips at your flesh, and smells terrible to boot. Oof! Ugh! Oof! Ooh! Ooh! Eek! Ooh! Eek! Ugh! (stench damage)

Critical Hit Message:

He reaches down and pulls a rug out from under you. You hadn't even noticed you were standing on a rug! He examines the rug and sighs. "You bled on my rug, man! That rug really tied the room together." Oof! Ow! Argh! Eek! Ouch! Ouch! Oof! Eek! Eek!

Miss Message(s):

He pulls a bowling ball out of his bathrobe, looks unsure how it got there, then tucks it back into wherever it came from.

He squints at you and says "I dropped off the money exactly as per... look, man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know..."

He starts to attack, but someone bumps his arm, spilling his White Canadian. He shouts "hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!!"

He produces a marmot from inside his bathrobe. You say "nice marmot," and he nods and puts it back in his bathrobe.

Fumble Message:

He stands still for a few minutes, eyes glassy, not really attacking or defending, just... well, abiding. This Guy abides. You take some comfort in that fact. (FUMBLE!)


After Combat

You win the fight!

This Guy slumps over, defeated, then sits down in the lotus position. He's hurt pretty badly, but he manages to slow his breathing and begins chanting "Ooooommmmm," looking pretty serene for somebody whose insides are mostly on the outside.

"Uh, shouldn't you go see a doctor or something?" you ask.

He looks up at you and smiles beatifically. "Well, man, you see, for hippies death isn't the end of a journey, it's the beginning of a journey. We do not mourn our passing because we know we will continue on our karmic quest for enlightenment. Death is just a doorway, man. I knew I might die out here, so I spent all morning setting my affairs in order. I am at peace and prepared to move on, man."

He resumes chanting, then stops and looks troubled. "But wait, man... did I leave the gas on?"

BOOM.

The entire hippy camp makes a sudden, magical conversion into a giant ball of blue and orange fire. The resulting shockwave knocks you onto your back, which is good, because the explosion is followed by a wave of shrapnel from broken clay beads, splintered incense sticks, and shattered glass "sculptures."

After a few aftershocks, all is silent except for the crackling of flame and the moans of the wounded. A flaming wheel from one of the hippies' looms comes rolling out of the wreckage, obligatorially, and settles at your feet.

You stare open-mouthed at the carnage that used to be the hippy camp, then remember you're obligated to make a witty remark. "Thanks, guys," you say, as you strut off the battlefield, "it's been a gas."

Bowlingball.gifYou acquire an item: solid gold bowling ball (100% chance)*

Occurs at The Hippy Camp (Wartime).

Notes

  • This monster cannot be copied.

Strategy

  • The Big Wisniewski can be extremely difficult as a low (or no) skill character. For a character with access to a Slimeling, getting a slime stack or two can be incredibly helpful. Slime stacks de-level a monster by 10% for each stack used. The Big Wisniewski is approximately Monster Level 240, one stack will reduce this to 216, and a second stack will reduce this to 195. This is far more manageable for a low-skill character. Stacks also do a sizeable chunk of damage at the start of the fight.
  • You can fight him for 50 rounds, instead of the usual 30. Keep this in mind when deciding how much damage you need to do per round.
  • He takes double damage from Sleaze and Cold damage.
  • He cannot be CLEESHED.
  • You probably got at least 1 gas balloon while fighting hippies. Immobilizing him repeatedly makes him much easier to kill.

References

  • "The Big Wisniewski" is a reference to The Big Lebowski.
  • In your beginning conversation with him, you quote The End by the Doors.
  • "Oh, It's Already Been Broughten" is a reference to the movie Not Another Teen Movie, in which this line is said as a parody of the title of the movie Bring It On.
  • The wheel which "comes rolling out of the wreckage, obligatorially" is a reference to Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, in which any explosion or crash is always followed by a lone wheel rolling out of the wreckage.
  • The marmot which "rips at your flesh" in a combat message both refers to a similar scene from The Big Lebowski, and suggests the title of a Frank Zappa album, Weasels Ripped My Flesh.
  • The lines about the conspiracy and the ferret acting alone is a reference to conspiracy theories about the Kennedy assassination.
  • The line about leaving the gas on is a reference to Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill.
  • The "mist obscuring the battlefield" explanation is a reference to the "fog of war" used in most RTS games.
  • His mention of "a world of pain" refers to a similar line from another character in The Big Lebowski.