The Avatar of Sneaky Pete
|The Avatar of Sneaky Pete|
|Locations||The Sorceress' Chamber|
With a flash of light, a disgusting noise, and an unpleasant blast of stench, the tentacled monstrosity vanishes and in its place stands a shadowy figure wearing oversized sunglasses, a white T-shirt, and artfully ripped denim pants.
The apparition looks down on you with disdain, a cigarette dangling from one lip. Then it claps its hands together a few times, irony dripping from each collision of palms.
"So, spirit of Boris, you made it this far. I must say I'm not surprised, though I thought you'd be a little quicker about it." His lip curls in a sneer. "So now that you're here, I can finally kill you as hard as I wanted to kill you all those years ago."
"What did I -- er, Boris -- ever do to you?" you ask.
"He was the worst wingman ever!" Sneaky Pete snarls, losing his cool. "I'm Sneaky Pete! I am the epitome of cool! I'm detached! I'm confident! I smoke! But when that musclebound lunkhead was around, nobody would give me the time of day! I'm nothing without my legendary prowess with the ladies! And now I can finally make you -- or him -- how does this work again? Never mind. I'm going to make everybody pay!"
"Thou lookst pretty rough, bold valorous perky <playername>," Clancy says, "mayhap thou shalt not survive this next battle. If that be the case, thou shouldst know that I --"
"Save it, fair Clancy. I have no plans to die this day. Confess your secret crush on me some other time," you say.
"Who told thee -- I mean, never mind. In that case, have a draught of this healing potion, and win the day, dear hirsute <playername>!"
Clancy hands you a tiny flask. What's inside tastes like rubber and elderberries, or possibly just rubber elderberries, but it makes you feel a little better.
|You gain X hit points.|
|You gain Y Mana Points.|
He regards you with withering scorn. Wither has your self-esteem gone? Argh! Ooh! Ugh! Argh! Eek! Ouch! Argh! Ooh! Argh!
He blows smoke in your face. You cough until you see spots in front of your eyes. Ouch! Eek! Eek! Oof! Eek! Ooh! Oof! Ooh! Oof!
He somehow talks you into punching yourself in the face. He's very persuasive. Argh! Ooh! Argh! Ooh! Ugh! Oof! Oof! Eek! Argh!
He depantses you, even if you weren't wearing pants. You feel a cold breeze on your nethers and a hot flush of shame. Ouch! Argh! Argh! Ow! Ugh! Eek! Oof! Oof! Ow!
He somehow pushes you from the front, while simultaneously kneeling behind you so you tumble over him. Man, this guy's good. Argh! Eek! Ugh! Ow! Oof! Ow! Eek! Argh! Ooh!
He regards you with withering scorn, but you're fine wither without him.
He blows smoke in your face, which is the more pleasant of the two places smoke usually gets blown.
He tries to talk you into punching yourself in the face, but can't quite seal the deal.
He tries to depants you, but you stay pantsed.
He senses that a strand of hair has worked loose from his immaculate pompadour (which is the name of my They Might Be Giants cover band) and stops to fix it. (FUMBLE!)
- Item block:
- Upon defeating Sneaky Pete:
- As you land a final crippling blow, Sneaky Pete falls to his knees. "What happened to thee, good Pete?" you say, but your voice isn't your own. It's the deep bellow of Boris himself. "Thou wert supposed to live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse! It's too late for any of those three things now! All thy canst hope for is a devastating quip as thy spirit takes its leave of this realm!"
- Pete looks around the room through his mirror shades. "Either these curtains go, or -- *erk,*" he says, and vanishes.
- "By all the gods," Clancy says, "that was Boris's voice, or I'm a boiled potato. It sounded just like him."
- "Well, thou doth have the brains of a boiled potato, good Clancy," you reply.
- "See?" Clancy says, shuddering. "That's just eerie, man."
|You acquire an item: Instant Karma (100.0% if player is at level 13; otherwise, 0% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: Thwaitgold stag beetle statuette|
- Replaces the final version of the Naughty Sorceress in an Avatar of Boris run.
- At the beginning of this fight, Clancy restores a large amount of your HP.
- Ongoing spading currently suggests Sneaky Pete will have approximately B×40 HP, where B is the number of Boris skills you have learned.
- Health appears to be 800 + (B−20)×40, where B is the total number of Boris skills that you have gained in the run. Manuel places Pete as having 800 base HP, so with 0 skills he has 1 hit point, with 10 he'll have 400, with 20 he'll have 800, and with 30 he'll have 1200. This is effectively the same as B×40, but cooler. Like Pete.
- Resists stunning effects, like Broadside. He can shrug off the stunning, so that (for example) Broadside can stun for anywhere from 0 to the full 4 rounds.
- Does not block skill use.
- The Avatar's attempted last words were an, er, attempt to say "Either these curtains go, or I do," the (apocryphal) last words of author Oscar Wilde.