The Avatar of Jarlsberg
|The Avatar of Jarlsberg|
|Locations||The Sorceress' Chamber|
The tentacled monstrosity seems to deflate like a balloon, puffing out huge clouds of smoke until you can barely see your hand in front of your face. "I should have known it would come down to this," a whiny, nasal voice says through the smoke, "obviously that Sorceress's magic couldn't compare to my own. And all the tentacles and the oozing! Ugh. So unsanitary." The smoke parts and through it strides that ancient mage, the original sorcerer, Jarlsberg!
"Jarlsberg?" you say, incredulous. "You were behind all of this? What's your damage?"
"'What's my damage' indeed," Jarslberg sneers, "gods, you sound so much like him. So 'cool.' So adored by men and women alike. Always surrounded by a throng of friends, admirers, and hangers-on." Jarlsberg's so full of rage and contempt, he's practically dripping vitriol (as well as mucus from his nose). "And why?" he continues, "what is 'cool' anyway? I can control the very building blocks of the universe! I can transmute matter, summon it from the ether, commune with other dimensions! How in the Hey Deze is that not cool? Yet somehow, Pete was always the 'cool' one. And I had to take an egg, or a radish, or a potato, and make my own friends."
Jarlsberg bows his head, and you look away while he sniffles. He's either crying, or his allergies are flaring up again. Finally he looks back up, his eyes red and watery. "Well, we'll see how cool Pete's spirit is once I blast it out of you! You haven't got all your precious friends with you now, do you?"
Jarlsberg summons a radish horse to trample you. Ouch! Argh! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Oof! Ow! Eek! Argh!
Jarlsberg summons a cream puff, which covers you in creamy grossness. Ugh! Argh! Eek! Ugh! Eek! Ouch! Ooh! Eek! Ugh! (sleaze damage)
Jarlsberg summons a hippotatomous to chomp on you with its hungry, hungry mouth. Ouch! Oof! Ow! Ooh! Ouch! Ooh! Oof! Ouch! Ugh!
Jarlsberg summons an Egg Man to hurl itself onto you, getting egg on your face and making it so the yolk's on you. Ouch! Ouch! Ow! Eek! Argh! Ow! Ugh! Oof! Ooh! (sleaze damage)
Jarlsberg makes a complicated gesture in the air with his frying pan. Your blood starts to boil. No, literally. Ugh! Ouch! Oof! Ugh! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Oof! Ugh! (hot damage)
Jarlsberg decides to dispense with the magic for a round and just whacks you with his cosmic frying pan. Ooh! Ouch! Oof! Eek! Argh! Oof! Ugh! Ouch! Eek!
An egg man cracks against you, while a radish horse kicks you in the shoulder and a hippotatomous chomps on your nipple. Also, you feel a scorching sensation and smell something grilling, which turns out to be you. Yike! Eek! Eek! Ugh! Ouch! Eek! Eek! Argh! Ooh! Eek! (hot damage)
Jarlsberg summons a cream puff, but it's too puffy to hurt you.
arlsberg summons a hippotatomous, but it's not hungry enough to chomp on you.
Jarlsberg tries to summon an Egg Man, but keeps getting a walrus, so he gets frustrated.
Jarlsberg summons a radish horse, but it's not rad enough to successfully trample you.
Jarlsberg tries to cast Grill on you, but he hasn't hit that spot on the skill tree yet.
You accidentally sneeze at him without covering your mouth, and he jumps back, looking terrified, and coats his entire body in hand sanitizer.
He tries to whack you with his cosmic frying pan, but it slips sideways into a different dimension before it can hit you. (FUMBLE!)
- Item block:
- Upon defeating Jarlsberg:
- Jarlsberg falls flat on his back, holding one arm up to protect his face, wiping his streaming nose with the other arm. "Fine!" he whines. "Just fine! You were born cool, and I wasn't, and nothing will ever change that, so just finish me off so I can get back to the astral realm, okay?"
- You start to say something to him, but the voice that comes out is not your own: it's far more cool. "J...hey, man, look. I wasn't born cool. People didn't like me because I had some natural 'cool' gland spitting out pheromones or something. Dude, people liked me because I liked them. I listened to people. I was friendly, outgoing, funny. I enjoyed being around people and I made them feel special."
- You pause for a moment to take off your sunglasses, for maximum soulful impact. "Sure, I could punch-start a jukebox, and I had an awesome motorcycle, but what really made me cool was that I reached out to those around me. You were too busy learning the eldritch secrets of the universe to do that. You picked your path, bro."
- Jarlsberg sighs, already fading from sight. "Fair enough. But tell me, Pete--the thing where I make slicing motions in the air and cut an enemy up with invisible knives--that's cool, right?"
- "Pretty cool, J. Pretty cool," you say/Pete says, putting your sunglasses back on.
|You acquire an item: Instant Karma (100.0% if player is at level 13; otherwise, 0% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: Thwaitgold dragonfly statuette|
- Replaces the final version of the Naughty Sorceress in an Avatar of Sneaky Pete run.
- Does not block skill use, but he can block combat items.
- Immune to stuns, though may just be shaking them like The Avatar of Sneaky Pete.
- Every regular, non-critical attack this monster makes will deal roughly 10% of your maximum HP in damage, and so deleveling actions will only reduce the damage of his critical attack.