Tetchy pirate

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Tetchy pirate
Monster ID 619
Locations Barrrney's Barrr
Hit Points 72
Attack 83
Defense 75
No-Hit 93
Initiative 50
Meat 32-48
Phylum pirate
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
bottle of rum, cocktail napkin
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
tetchy pirate You're fighting a tetchy pirate

As you walk into the barrr, you bump into a pirate sitting at a barstool near the door. "Hey, watch where ye be walkin', ye scurvy cur!" he shouts.

"Hey, I'm sorry, man," you reply. "Let me buy you a drink."

"I don't be needing no charity from no lily-livered land lubber! First ye bump my elbow-bone, then ye treat me like a hobo! Well, I won't be standin' for that, sure as me name be Barrrnacle Bill!"

"Um, actually," another pirate says, "that guy over there be Barrrnacle Bill. You're Tetchy Tom, remember?"

"That's it!" Tom shouts, and prepares to throw down with you.

Hit Message(s):

He tetches you in the <ear>. That'll tetch you to mess with him! Argh! Ouch! Oof! Oof!

He gets in tetch with his inner child. Turns out his inner child is a jerk, too, and kicks you in the shins. Ouch! Eek! Ooh! Ooh!

He knocks the top off a bottle and slashes your <ankle> with it. Gah, what a jerk! Ugh! Ooh! Ow! Argh!

He whips out his cutlass and cuts you into cutlets. Eek! Eek! Argh!

Critical Hit Message:

He stomps on your <lower back>, elbows you in the <forehead>, and punches you in the <nipple>. Guess he's not having any trouble getting in tetch with his feelings, or your nerve endings. Ooh! Oof! Ugh! Argh!

Miss Message(s):

He tries to get all tetchy-feely, but you back away slowly.

He tries to tetch you innappropriately, but you remind him it's not that kind of game.

He tries to slash you with a bottle, but forgets to break the top off. He must be a little tetched in the head.

He tries to cut you with his cutlass, but you scuttle out of the way.

Fumble Message:

He starts to punch you, but then doubles over, coughs loudly, and sneezes. "Parrrdon me," he says, "I seem to have a tetch of the flu." (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 32-48 Meat (average: 40, stdev: 3.65)*
Bottle.gifYou acquire an item: bottle of rum (20.8% chance)*
Napkin.gifYou acquire an item: cocktail napkin (10.4% chance)*
You gain 20-21 <substat>.

Occurs at Barrrney's Barrr.


  • Most of the hit messages play on how the word "tetch" is pronounced in (presumably) a Scottish accent.