Suburban security civilian

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Suburban security civilian
Monster ID 1450
Locations Trick or Treat!
Hit Points 75% of Defense
Attack Player's Moxie+3
Defense Player's Muscle+3
Initiative 0
Meat None
Phylum dude
Elements None
Resistance 50%
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
Way More Tears™ pepper spray, security flashlight, unused walkie-talkie
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
suburban security civilian You're fighting Bart Blart, Neighborhood Cop

A chubby dude on a weird chariot-like scooter pulls up in front of you. "Hey, you kids! Stop in the name of the Suburban Neighborhood Task Force!" he shouts.

You look around, but you're the only kid in sight. "Is there a problem...uh, officer? I guess?" you ask.

"Don't you kids sass me. I know your type. You're out here stealing candy, aren't you?"

"No...they give it away for free. It's Halloween."

"You're darn tootin' it's Halloween, and I guess you kids are out to trick some tricks, huh? Spraypaint some garage doors? Lob some eggs? Put a zip-tie on a can of air freshener and chuck it into an open car window?"

"Are you trying to give me ideas?" you ask.

"I knew it! You kids are up to no good! I'm taking you in. Come along quietly and don't make me shine my flashlight in your eyes and tell you to stop!"

Hit Message(s):

He aims a kick at you from atop his scooter, and manages to trip you up so you skin your knees on the pavement. Security guard brutality! Ooh! Eek!

He smacks you with his gigantic flashlight, causing lights to flash in front of your eyes. Ooh! Eek!

He runs over you with his scooter thing. Even though it's moving slowly, it's pretty heavy. Ooh! Oof!

He sprays pepper spray at you. What a fascist. Argh! Ouch!

He puts some zip-tie handcuffs on you. You manage to break them, but they bite into your wrists something fierce. Argh! Ouch!

He takes off his ill-fitting bicycle helmet and smacks you with it. Eek! Oof!

Critical Hit Message:

He empties the batteries out of his giant flashlight and chucks them at you. There are, like, a dozen D-cell batteries in that thing, and every one leaves a bruise. Oof! Ouch!

Miss Message(s):

He aims a kick at you from atop his scooter, but misses, and the scooter's gyroscope whines as it tries to keep him upright.

He shines his gigantic flashlight at you, which is less painful than it is annoying.

He tries to run you over with his scooter thing, but you easily outrun it until the battery runs down.

He tries to spray his pepper spray at you, but grabs his breath spray by mistake. Minty!

He tries to zip-tie your hands together, but you keep clapping so he can't ratchet them down.

You laugh at his ill-fitting bicycle helmet, which he wears atop a vehicle that goes 10 miles an hour, max.

Fumble Message:

He calls for backup into the radio on his shoulder, then realizes that it's not connected to anything, because he's the only member of the Suburban Neighborhood Task Force. A brief look of terror crosses his porcine face. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Flashlight.gifYou acquire an item: security flashlight (10% chance)*
Bodyspray.gifYou acquire an item: Way More Tears™ pepper spray (15% chance)*
Walkietalkie.gifYou acquire an item: unused walkie-talkie (1% chance)*

Occurs during Trick or Treat!.


  • Names are generated according to this template.
  • The walkie-talkie is conditional, not guaranteed to drop to a yellow ray.


  • A reference to the somewhat infamous movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop. The monster image filename, "paulblart.gif", is a dead giveaway.