Spam Witch

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Spam Witch
Monster ID 143
Locations The Valley of Rof L'm Fao
Hit Points 75
Attack 85
Defense 76
No-Hit 95
Initiative 70
Meat 24-36
Phylum dude
Elements bad spelling
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
30669 scroll, Spam Witch sammich
Bounty sammich crust
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Spam Witch You're fighting a Spam Witch

You look into this seductive creature's eyes and feel as if she can make your sword longer, your bank account bigger, your waist smaller, and show you the secret habits of barnyard animals. You fight to resist her charms...

Hit Message(s):

She shows you a picture of her pet goat. "This is my goat, see?" she says. Dear god, the horror. Ow! Ugh! Ow! Eek! Eek! (bad spelling damage)

She offers you a million meat (which she embezzled from the Council of Loathing) if you'll hit yourself in the head. You do. Eek! Ow! Ow! Ugh! (bad spelling damage)

She decides to forgo the scamming and just poke you in the <solar plexus> with her pointy hat. Ooh! Oof! Eek! Ouch!

She turns you into a newt! You get better, but it's pretty painful. Ouch! Ow! Ow! Eek!

Critical Hit Message:

She scratches you with her nails while screeching "the chief fuciks the secretaryhave!" You don't know what that means, but you do know her voice hurts your ears, and her fingernails are really, really sharp. Ugh! Oof! Ouch! Argh!

Miss Message(s):

She tries to cloud your mind with interesting pictures, but you avert your eyes.

She tries to give you a virus, but you keep your distance.

She tries to poke you with her pointy hat, but fails.

She says you have a virus and she can cure you, but you're pretty sure the cure is just another virus.

She tells you that you're the millionth adventurer to fight her this month, but you know that's not true.

She turns you into a newt, then offers you a career in newt pr0n. You turn her down, and quickly get better.

Fumble Message:

She once again tries to mesmerize you with her charms, but suddenly a great wall of fire springs up between the two of you. "Goodness, gracious!" you say. You don't know where the fire wall came from, but it seems to stop her cold. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 24-38 Meat (average: 30.3, stdev: 2.9)*
Scroll2.gifYou acquire an item: 30669 scroll (32.0% chance)*
Sammich.gifYou acquire an item: Spam Witch sammich (51.4% chance)*
You gain 21.25 <substat>.
Sandcrust.gifYou acquire an item: sammich crust (100% chance)*

Occurs at The Valley Beyond The Orc Chasm.


  • "This is my goat, see?" is a reference to the Internet shock site
  • The comment about turning you into a newt (and subsequently getting better) is a direct usage of dialogue from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. During a witch persecution, a peasant claims that the woman turned him into a newt. When the other peasants look at him with confusion, he replies "I got better."
  • The fumble text is a pun on a firewall, which is a computer security measure that prevents unauthorized and unwanted access to a computer system, hence the wall of fire preventing the Spam Witch from attacking you. Your saying "Goodness gracious!" also makes it a play on the classic 1950s rock song "Great Balls of Fire." The song was written by Otis Blackwell and Jack Hammer, but is best known for the rendition by Jerry Lee Lewis which famously features the lyrics "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!".
  • The Critical Hit message "the chief fuciks the secretaryhave!" was taken from the subject line of an email Mr Skullhead found in his junk email folder, as stated on the November 27, 2006 Jick and Skullhead radio show. The message itself stems from the technique of inserting extra letters into the middle of otherwise questionable words in order to get around filtering.
  • The last miss message is a reference to BlackBeltDuck (#27767) and her love of newts and newt pr0n.