Somerset Lopez, Dread Mariachi (Inner Sanctum)

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Somerset Lopez, Dread Mariachi
Monster ID 26
Locations Inner Sanctum (for Accordion Thieves)
Hit Points 30
Attack 27
Defense 24
No-Hit 37
Initiative 60
Meat 28-42
Phylum dude
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
Drops
El Sombrero De Lopez
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Somerset Lopez, Dread Mariachi You're fighting Somerset Lopez, Dread Mariachi

As you enter the second cavern room, you are simultaneously assaulted by a fast bass riff and a hail of bullets. You wrench your body out of the way, dive, roll, and land in a crouch, ready to face another attack as your assailant steps forward out of the shadows, blowing the smoke from the neck of his semi-automatic guitarrón.

"Somerset Lopez," you growl, "Lord of the evil mariachis. I should have known you'd be behind this."

"Sí, gringo," sneers Lopez. "You may have gotten past my backup band, but now, mi pequeño ladrón del acordión, prepare for su muerte'."

"Your backup band is a bunch of weird mushroom dudes?"

"It was just a figure of speech."

Hit Message(s):

He tries to smash you with his guitar, and you cleverly block with your face. Ouch! Ouch!

He sings a heartfelt rendition of "Dos Arbolitos," accompanying himself on the "kick you in the <nipple>." Ugh! Oof!

He pulls out a rose and tosses it to you. You instinctively grab it, then realize what that sad, sad song was about. Argh! Ouch!

He sings a sad song in Spanish. You fall to the ground, feeling a sharp pain in your <skull>. Ugh! Oof!

Critical Hit Message:

He summons a full mariachi band to back him up and launches into a painful rendition of "Canta y no llores." It's hard to sing and not cry when your ears are bleeding. Ugh! Ugh! (sleaze damage)

Miss Message(s):

He swings his guitar at you, but misses by at least three chords.

He sings a sad song in Spanish. You sing along, harmonizing beautifully.

He pulls out a rose and tosses it to you. You carefully put it in your mouth, making sure the thorns underneath don't stick into your gums.

He tries to kick you in the cojones, but only ends up hitting the conejos.

Fumble Message:

He rears back to deliver a crushing blow with his guitar, but stumbles and sends the guitar crashing into the ground. What a teenage wasteland that guy is. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

  • Upon being defeated:

"¡Argh!" says Lopez. "¡Mis varios órganos!"

"Now's the bit where I beat you until candy comes out, right?" you ask.

"Forget it, gringo," he sneers. "You haven't seen the last of yo!"

With that, he throws a maraca on the ground, which explodes into a blinding cloud of smoke. By the time it clears, he's long gone.

"How stereotypical," you sniff.

Guess it's time to grab the spoils and call it a día.

Meat.gifYou gain 28-42 Meat (average: 35, stdev: 3.24)*
Hat2.gifYou acquire an item: El Sombrero De Lopez (100% chance)*
You gain 4 <substat>.

Occurs at The Dark and Dank and Sinister Cave as the Accordion Thief nemesis.

Notes

  • Once you have defeated Lopez, this adventure will no longer reoccur (becomes a one time adventure).
  • Before the Nemesis quest revamp, the monster description read as follows:
    • This is Somerset Lopez, the lord of the Evil Mariachis. What's an Evil Mariachi, you ask? Is there any other kind?
  • This monster cannot be copied.

References

  • The monster description refers to the lyrics of the song Another One Bites The Dust by Queen.
  • The dodge text "making sure the thorns underneath don't stick into your gums" is a distorted version of a lyric in the song "The Masochism Tango" by Tom Lehrer; the singer claims to envy the rose that his lover holds in her teeth, whose thorns are sticking into her gums.
  • The name Somerset Lopez originates from an anagram feature on asymmetric.net. El Perezoso, Webmaster = Beware, Somerset Lopez.
  • The fumble text is a reference to both "Baba O'Riley", by The Who, and Pete Townshend's famous guitar smashing.
  • The successful attack message with the rose and the sad, sad song is a reference to the Poison song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn".
  • "Cojones" is a Spanish word for a male body part, and "conejos" is Spanish for "rabbits"
  • The image and text suggest Lopez is wielding a semi-automatic guitarrón mexicano.
  • "mi pequeño ladrón del acordión" is Spanish for "my little accordion thief".
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