Sloppy Seconds Burger

Sloppy Seconds Burger
Monster ID	1566
Locations	Sloppy Seconds Diner
Hit Points	75% of Defense
Attack	Player's Moxie+5
Defense	Player's Muscle+5
Initiative	0
Meat	200-300
Phylum	weird
Elements	sleaze
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	bun, cheese, meat
Drops Meat-inflating powder
Bounty	pickle chip
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting a Triple-Potato Cheddar-Blasted Sesame-Wrapped Monster Burger

A grotesque burger fused to a grease-soaked paper plate leaps over the counter and faces off with you, skittering unsettlingly from side to side. "C'mon, adventurer," it says, in an oleaginous voice, "everybody wants some."

or

You lift up a greasy napkin and see there are two enormous burgers in there, with the meat overlapping between their buns. One of the burgers spins around, tucking its meat back in, and glares at you with sesame-seed eyes. "Can't you adventurers give a guy a little privacy?" it snarls, and launches itself at you.

or

There's a crash behind you, and you spin around to see that a huge burger has fallen out of the ceiling tiles to splat on the floor. You watch in horror as it slowly reassembles itself, then opens the top bun to reveal teeth and tentacles. I guess those "meat is murder" guys were right.

or

You read down the Sloppy Seconds menu, stopping at one particularly disgusting-sounding burger. "Gah, who would ever eat one of those?" you say.

"Well, you don't look particularly appetizing yourself," a burbling voice replies, and you spin around to see a burger sitting on the counter. You wonder if you're hearing things, but then the burger rises up on spiny little legs and attacks.

or

There are a few unsettlingly-shaped patties grilling on the stove behind the diner's counter. You watch as one of them reaches out greasy pseudopods to grab some buns (thankfully not yours) and assemble itself. Then you jump backward in horror as it hurls itself off the grill and directly at your grill.

Hit Message(s):

It chomps you with little teeth made from olive pits. Man, it's really the pits. Argh! Ouch! Eek!

It hoses you down with some mystery condiment, probably a combination of grease, salt, grease, and thousand-island dressing. Ugh! Ouch! Ouch! (sleaze damage)

It sprays a sticky web of melted cheese at you. It's like delicious-smelling napalm. Oof! Eek! Ugh! (hot damage)

It sprays you with one of those noxious (and obnoxious) super-hot hot sauces, dissolving your <shins>. Do people seriously eat that stuff? Ouch! Ugh! Ooh! (hot damage)

It tosses a few pickles at you like shurikens. One lands right on the surface of your eye and stings like holy hell. Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

It wipes its greasy bun across your arm. You refrain from returning the favor. Eek! Argh! Eek! (sleaze damage)

Critical Hit Message:

It grabs you with its tentacles, pulls you in close, and takes a big bite out of you. "Let's see how you like it!" it gurgles, and you have to admit that you don't like it much at all. Ooh! Oof! Ugh!

Miss Message(s):

It tries to chomp you with teeth made from shreds of lettuce, but they're too weak to shred you.

It sprays some nasty mystery condiment at you, but you dodge.

It sprays a sticky web of melted cheese at you, but your cheese-sense kicks in and you dodge.

It sprays one of those noxious (and obnoxious) super-hot hot sauces at you, but you're both saucy and hot enough to dodge.

It tosses a few pickles at you like shurikens, but you avoid being in a pickle-hit pickle.

It tries to wipe its greasy buns on you, but you're not letting anybody do that.

Fumble Message:

It hops onto the condiment caddy on a nearby table and loads up on relish, ketchup, mayonnaise, garlic ranch aioli, and bleu-cheese-stuffed olives before attacking again. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You gain 200-300 Meat. (average: 250, stdev: 20.82)*

You acquire an item: Meat-inflating powder (20% chance)*

You acquire a bounty item: pickle chip

(X of 13 found)

If Buff Jimmy's burger quest is underway, and the Paradaisical Cheeseburger recipe is equipped:

You consult the list and grab the next ingredient: <ingredient>.

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Occurs at Sloppy Seconds Diner.

Notes

• The monster's name is procedurally generated. Some examples:

  You're fighting a Sauce-Wrapped Horseradish Burger

  You're fighting a Cream-Melted Mega-Avocado Cream-Soaked Glutton Burger

  You're fighting an Extra-Fish Whammy Burger

• This monster scales to your stats plus 5 (total minimum 10, maximum 11111?), plus +ML.