Slime Colossus

Slime Colossus
Monster ID	791
Locations	The Slime Tube
Hit Points	200
Attack	100
Defense	100
No-Hit	110
Initiative	55
Meat	None
Phylum	slime
Elements	slime
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	blob, pseudopod
Drops big slimy cyst, slimy fermented bile bladder, slimy sweetbreads
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting a Slime Colossus

You hop into the slime, hoping that when you hop into the slime, it doesn't also hop into you. It seems far more aggravated than usual, a fact underscored by the massive, weapon-wielding pseudopods that spring up and start trying to smack you down.

or

You slide down the tube into a roiling, growling mass of Slime. A huge mass of it rears up in front of you, hulking, unstoppable. It's the juggernaut, so don't bitch, fight it!

or

You shout, "It's Slime Time!" and jump down the tube. Your pathetic attempt at humor displeases the Slime, and a gargantuan mass of it arises to make sure you don't say that, or anything, again.

or

You hop down into the slime, sinking knee-deep before you can pull your way out. Two massive pseudopods emerge from the roiling mass beneath you, prepared to beat you senseless.

or

You slide down into the rumbling, bubbling Slime. Something's really gotten under its skin -- er, into its muck. Two huge pseudopods form in front of you, supported by the biggest mass of Slime you've seen yet. Yipe, yipe, yipe.

Hit Message(s):

The Slime extrudes a telephone pole, and tosses it at you like a caber. You get squished into the shape of a manhole cover.

The Slime extrudes a big can of gasoline, pours it all over you, then extrudes a lighter and sets you on fire. That was complicated! And painful! (hot damage)

The Slime extrudes an old refrigerator, and hits you in the <throat> with it. How did it stay cold!? (cold damage)

The Slime extrudes an anvil and drops it on your head. (slime damage)

The Slime extrudes a boulder, which it hurls at your <bung>. (slime damage)

The Slime extrudes an old bitchin' meatcar and runs you over with it. (slime damage)

It extrudes a pseudopod, grabs your feet, turns you upside down, and shakes you until your brains fall out your nose. (slime damage)

The Slime extrudes a massive tree trunk, and bashes you in the <face>. (slime damage)

It surrounds you in a Slime bubble and crushes you from all sides. (slime damage)

The Slime extrudes a massive scythe, with which it nearly severs your <eye>. (slime damage)

It extrudes a mace and sprays it in your face. Wait, no, the other kind of mace. You know, the kind that crushes your bones? (slime damage)

It crushes you beneath a giant wave of Slime. A Tslinami, if you will. (slime damage)

It surrounds you like an an anaconda, then squeezes you like an anaconda. Look on the bright side: apparently, you've got buns, hon. (slime damage)

Critical Hit Message:

The Slime extrudes an old-fashioned Tommy gun, and somehow manages to fire a burst into your <skull>. (slime damage)

Miss Message(s):

The Slime extrudes a bear trap, but you're not a bear, so you bear up under the pressure.

The Slime extrudes a boulder, but it gets stuck in an over-the-shoulder boulder-holder.

The Slime extrudes a big rock, but it's extruded a rock so heavy it can't lift it.

The Slime extrudes a tank and throws it at you, but you've been tanked often enough to know how to dodge it.

The Slime extrudes a net to ensnare you, but it's so slimy you easily slip out of it.

The Slime extrudes some slings and arrows, but you're outrageously fortunate enough to not suffer them.

The Slime extrudes a battering ram, but can't batter you with it. Maybe it needs to upgrade the ram.

The Slime extrudes a massive battleaxe and swings it at you. You axe yourself if you're going to dodge it, and the answer is yes.

Fumble Message:

The Slime extrudes a massive barbell, laden with hundreds of pounds of weights. It lifts the barbell over its head to hurl it at you, but there's a sick crunching sound as it collapses under the weight of the thing. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You acquire an item: slimy sweetbreads (5% chance)*

You acquire an item: slimy fermented bile bladder (5% chance)*

You acquire an item: big slimy cyst (2% chance)*

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Occurs at The Slime Tube with over 1000 +ML.

Notes

• Possible avatars for the slime are:

• Names are randomly generated as <adjective> Slime <noun>.
  • The noun is one of: behemoth, colossus, juggernaut, leviathan
  • The adjective is one of: cyclopean, huge, immense, massive, towering

References

• The line about the slime also jumping into you paraphrases the words of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who in Beyond Good and Evil wrote: "And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."
• "It's the juggernaut, so don't bitch, fight it!" refers to an infamous line from X-Men: The Last Stand: "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" This quote was itself a reference to a viral video dub of the X-Men cartoon which featured this line.
• The miss message regarding a big rock refers to the theological question summarized as "If God is all-powerful, can He create a rock so heavy that He cannot lift it?"