Sleaze hobo

From TheKolWiki
Jump to: navigation, search


Sleaze hobo
Monster ID 693
Locations The Purple Light District
Hit Points 500
Attack 350
Defense 315
No-Hit 360
Initiative 100
Meat None
Phylum hobo
Elements sleaze
Resistance  ?
Monster Parts unknown
Drops
hobo nickel, Sensual Massage for Creeps, sleazy bindle, stained mattress, Summer Nights
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Sleaze hobo You're fighting Zachary Anderson

You hear a rustling noise from a nearby dumpster, and as you pass it, a hobo pops up, running filthy fingers through his greasy hair. "Stay away from this here trash!" he says. "It's mine, y'hear? Mine!"

"What do I want with a bunch of trash?" you say.

"This trash is special," the hobo says. "It's full of . . . well, gentlemen's magazines."

"What, you mean magazines that show you how to hold a door open for a lady, that kind of thing?"

"More or less," the hobo says, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. "Now get away from here, or I'll beat you to a pulp!"

Oops. Looks like he meant, "and I'll beat you to a pulp."

or

"Hey. Hey, buddy. Hey." a hobo says, wrenching your attention from the anatomically improbable graffiti you were studying. "Hey. I've got a surprise for you."

"Huh." you say. "I don't usually like surprises. Will I like it?"

"Oh, you'll love it!" he says. "It's a very special surprise. Close your eyes and hold out your hands."

Against your better judgment, you hold your hands out. You keep your eyes open a sliver, but you can't see what he pulls out of his bindle until he drops it into your hands.

"This isn't a very nice surprise." you say. "In fact, this is a handful of cold bacon grease. This is disgusting. You're disgusting."

"Your MOM'S disgusting!" the hobo shouts, and gets ready to throw down.

or

As you sneak down an alleyway in the Purple Light District, a hobo grabs your arm. "Hey. Buddy. Hey." he says. "Do you like balloon animals?"

"Not particularly," you say.

"Ah, c'mon!" he says. "Let me show you what I can do." He pulls out a balloon, inflates it, and twists it into a rudimentary shape, accompanied by the hideous squeaking noises of the damned. "Look!" he says, "it's a high official in the Church of Loathing, wearing a turtleneck!"

"What?" you say. "That doesn't look anything like a bishop, and . . . UGH, this isn't a balloon."

or

You hear a series of squelching noises coming from behind a dumpster. Even though a faint alarm bell sounds in your head, you walk over to investigate the source of the sound. You see a hobo hunched over, rocking back and forth. "Uh... are you all right?" you ask. "What are you doing back there?"

The hobo looks up and grins. "Masticatin'!" he says, and sticks out his tongue to show you what's on it. "I found a whole bin full of bacon grease back here, and I'm masticatin' with it!"

"That's absolutely disgusting," you say.

"'Masticatin' means 'chewin'!'"

"I know that. It's still disgusting."

The hobo stands up and drops his bacon grease. "Them's fightin' words," he says.

or

As you creep through the Purple Light District, trying not to think about the various squelching noises you hear underfoot, a hobo accosts you. "Why, hello there, little [boy|girl]!" he says. "Do you like candy? I have a big bag of candy and no one to share it with!"

"That is truly disgusting," you say, "and not at all an appropriate joke to make in a family-friendly Kingdom like this."

"What are you trying to say?" the hobo says, as he pulls a bag of candy out of his pocket and pops a peppermint in his mouth. "You better eat those words, little [boy|girl]."

Hit Message(s):

He slaps you with a hand full of pomade. It makes a resounding *fop* as it bounces off your lower back. Eek! Ouch! Eek!

He blows up a balloon and throws it at you. Ew, it's all sticky! It must have fallen in a puddle of maple syrup, or something. Ow! Ugh! Ow!

He splashes you with some hobo stew. Like the hobo who made it, it's greasy and unpleasantly familiar. Ow! Ugh! Eek!

He winks at you suggestively. You don't know what he's suggesting, but you die a little inside anyway. Argh! Ow! Ugh!

He sticks his finger in his mouth, then plunges it into your ear. GAH! Argh! Argh! Ow!

He smacks you on the butt as you walk past. It doesn't hurt... well, physically, at least. Ugh! Ooh! Argh!

Critical Hit Message:

He grabs you, lifts you high over his head, and chucks you into a dumpster. You flounder around in a sea of well-thumbed paperbacks with naughty titles, tins of pomade, and weird little deflated balloons. Ugh.

Miss Message(s):

He tries to slap you with some pomade, but you point out that it's the wrong brand.

He blows up a balloon and throws it at you, but you kick it away.

He tries to splash you with some hobo stew, but you point out your name's not "Stu."

He winks at you suggestively. You suggest he not do that again.

He threatens to give you a Wet Willie. Turns out, fortunately, that just means he licks his finger and sticks it in your ear. What a relief!

He tries to smack you on the butt, but you point out that only sick perverts go in for that kind of thing.

Fumble Message:

He picks you up and is about to toss you into a dumpster, but then he gets a good look at what's in the dumpster. "Wow, an entire case of unopened hair gel!" he says, and dives in. (FUMBLE!)

Special Move(s):

He asks if you want to see his "boxcar willie," and before you can say no, he shows it to you.

He gives you a backrub. It feels pretty nice, until he turns it into a wildly inappropriate frontrub.

He headbutts you. The impact hurts, but not as much as the burning sensation resulting from a face-full of ancient recycled pomade.

He mutters a filthy joke. You ask him to repeat it, and when he does, you really, really wish you hadn't.

He opens his trenchcoat to show you what he's got. You're not exactly sure what it is, but you're sure you don't want it.

He plunges your head into a grease trap. Thankfully, the grease isn't hot. Unthankfully, it's still greasy.

He pulls something off the bottom of his shoe and throws it at you. Ew, you really didn't want to know what was underfoot in the Purple Light District.

He puts in a plug of tobacco, then spits some juice. And by that I don't mean "performs freestyle rap," I mean, "covers you with gross, spitty brown stuff."

He runs his hands through his hair, then flicks a bunch of the grease into your eyes. Bleah.

He touches you inappropriately. Not that there's an appropriate way to be touched by a hobo.


After Combat

Nickel.gifYou acquire an item: hobo nickel (15% chance)*
Book4.gifYou acquire an item: Sensual Massage for Creeps (.1% chance)*
Sleazebindle.gifYou acquire an item: sleazy bindle (.1% chance)*
Mattress.gifYou acquire an item: stained mattress (.1% chance)*
Book4.gifYou acquire an item: Summer Nights (.1% chance)*
You gain 87.5 <substat>.

Occurs at The Purple Light District

Notes

  • Hobos have a chance to use special attacks which are guaranteed to hit regardless of how high or low your Moxie is. These attacks do a great deal more damage than normal attacks and don't seem to interact with defensive abilities such as saucespheres or Hero of the Half-Shell. They can be distinguished from normal hits by the lack of sound effects that follow the message.
  • The name, image, and introduction text of this monster are all randomly selected:
Slhobo1.gif Slhobo2.gif Slhobo3.gif Slhobo4.gif
Slhobo5.gif Slhobo6.gif Slhobo7.gif Slhobo8.gif

References

  • The "balloons" mentioned in various combat messages are condoms.
  • The pomade hit and miss messages refer to O Brother, Where Art Thou?, in which a store clerk tries to sell Everett "Fop" pomade, but Everett refuses because it's the wrong brand ("I'm a Dapper Dan man!").