Season's Beatings
You slump over, bloody and bruised, restrained by two of the Don's goons. "You know where penguins came from?" you ask. A penguin pulls back a flipper to hit you, but the Don motions for him to wait. "Well, what happened was that way back a long time ago, the orioles invaded the Mysterious Island. The only other birds they found there were ducks. The orioles settled down and bred with the ducks, and over time, their species merged -- the large wings of the oriole turned into flippers, the waterproof covering of the ducks got thicker, the DNA got so tangled that the ability for flight was lost. In short, they became penguins. You're here because at some point in your ancestry, an oriole had sex with a duck. You're part quacker-ass-quacker. That explains why you did something as dumb as try to take over Crimbo -- only a duck would be so stupid."
"Let me hit him, Don Crimbo," says one of the penguins holding you. "He has called you a descendant of ducks!"
"No," the Don says, "let him speak. Crimbo is mine. It's whatever I want it to be. Why would that be dumb?"
"There's a reason Uncle Crimbo lived in a trailer," you say. "There's no meat in Crimbo for its monarch. The Spirit of Crimbo demands that the monarch of Crimbo give away everything and receive nothing. Even if your plan worked, you'd never keep the meat the Crimbomination collected from everyone in the Kingdom. You'd wake up the next day, and the meat would be left on the front step of an orphanage, or some equally sentimental crap, and you'd be stuck in a magic city with a bunch of elves for another year." You pause to wipe your bloody nose.
"Give me the hat, Don Crimbo. You don't want it. Crimbo doesn't belong to you; it belongs to the adventurers. You can try to make it whatever you want it to be, but in the end, it's not about you. It's not for your gain; it's for the smiles on the faces of the children."
| Hold out your hand... |
The Don stands motionless for a moment. With a twitch of his flipper, he could have your neck broken. Finally, he smiles (which is no small task when you have a beak) and rips the hat from his head, flinging it on the ground in front of you. "Penguins!" he shouts. "I believe we have forgotten what it is that we do. We have neglected our legitimate business interests in the Seaside Town. Let these fruity little elves and their fruity little adventurers have their fruity little holiday." And with that, he turns his back and waddles out of the Compound, and the Mafia follows him.
As you pick up the hat, there's a tug on your sleeve. It's Edwing Abbidriel. "Ah, you have the hat!" he says. Come with me to the Factory. We're working on a weapon to re-educate the Crimbomination, but we're missing a few parts."
Occurs at Don Crimbo's Compound
References
- The first paragraph is a reference to a scene in the film True Romance, in which Dennis Hopper's character rants similarly about the Moorish invasion of Italy, with the conclusion that all Sicilians are descended from Moors.
- The term "quacker-ass-quacker" is probably referring to a bit from Chris Rock's HBO special Bigger & Blacker.
