Seal Clubber

Description

Seal Clubbers hail from the frigid Northlands, because one character class always hails from the frigid Northlands. They rely on their Muscle to survive.

Skills

Most Seal Clubber skills are learned from The Brotherhood of the Smackdown. All Seal Clubbers begin the game with Seal Clubbing Frenzy and Clobber.

Level	Skill	Description	Effect	Type	MP Cost	Train Cost
0	Seal Clubbing Frenzy	By clubbing a stuffed seal at your campsite, you can work yourself into a frenzy. Your Strongness will increase for a period of time.	Seal Clubbing Frenzy (+2 Muscle) (5 Adventures)	Non-combat	1	N/A
0	Clobber	Adventurer smash!	Deals (0.1-0.2)*Weapon Damage + (0-1) physical damage and ceil(sqrt(Bonus elemental damage))	Combat	1	N/A
1	Lunge Smack	By lunging before you smack, you can deal more damage than if you smack without lunging. Or if you lunge after smacking instead, but who does that?	A normal attack that deals 5 extra damage if it connects counts as a Smack	Combat	1	125 Meat
1	Fortitude of the Muskox	Muskoxen are legendarily resilient. If you cut them, they bleed, but then they stop bleeding and they're good as new. Now you can be like a muskox!	Regenerate 1-2 HP per Adventure	Passive	N/A	125 Meat
2	Audacity of the Otter	You become infused with the fighting spirit of the Otter, making your critical hits more critical than usual.	Critical hits do 3x damage	Passive	N/A	250 Meat
2	Hibernate	Using this skill lets you sleep for an entire Adventure, fully restoring your HP and replenishing all of your get-up-and-go.	Heals all HP Removes Beaten Up Well-Rested (+3 Stats Per Fight) (5 Adventures) LOSE all of your current Fury	Non-combat	0 (1 Adv.)	250 Meat
3	Blubber Up	Covering your rippling muscles with blubber will make you more difficult to grab onto. Not that anybody's going to want to, with all that blubber.	Blubbered Up (+5 Moxie) (10 Adventures)	Non-combat	7	500 Meat
3	Cold Shoulder	You've learned to channel the icy climate of the Frigid Northlands into your blows. Fortunately, you've also learned to stop yourself from making bad ice puns as you do so.	Your Smack skills will deal 5 additional Cold Damage	Passive	N/A	500 Meat
4	Thrust-Smack	This is a thrusting smack with your weapon. It will do double the usual amount of damage to your opponent if it connects.	2X Weapon Damage counts as a Smack	Combat	3	750 Meat
4	Wrath of the Wolverine	Have you ever seen a wolverine go after a herd of shrews? It's crazy. It just doesn't stop. It's like every shrew it takes down multiplies its desire to take down shrews. Anyway, you're like that, and also every enemy looks like a shrew to you. NOTE: Only true Seal Clubbers have the fortitude needed to contain Fury. Other classes are weak, and would be torn apart by it.	Lets you build Fury by defeating opponents. Enhances many other SC skills and gives +1 Weapon Damage per gallon. (up to a maximum of 3 gallons of Fury)	Passive	N/A	750 Meat
5	Super-Advanced Meatsmithing	You are a master of the Tenderizing Hammer. The echo of generations of Seal Clubbers reverberates in your muscles as you beat the meat into shape. Shapes, actually -- the shapes of powerful weapons.	Can smith weapons using ores. Can smith whips using skins. (Costs 1 adv.)	Passive	N/A	1,250 Meat
5	Buoyancy of the Beluga	You can't keep a good beluga down. In fact, you can't even keep a bad beluga down, because the buoyancy of a beluga is unrelated to the strength of its character.	Regenerate 1 HP per Adventure for each gallon of Fury	Passive	N/A	1,250 Meat
6	Scowl of the Auk	The Frigid Northlands are no place for birds. Well, no place for happy birds, at least. This skill lets you be like a bird -- perpetually upset and aggressive.	Scowl of the Auk Weapon Damage +10 (10 Adventures) Replaces other Facial Expressions.	Non-combat	10	1,750 Meat
6	Thirst of the Weasel	Weasels aren't native to the Frigid Northlands, so the ones who manage to survive there have done so by being vicious, bloodthirsty little killers. And given what jerks normal weasels are, that's really saying something.	Your Smacks restore 1-2 HP per gallon of Fury	Passive	N/A	1,750 Meat
7	Hide of the Walrus	Your skin becomes as thick as the hide of a walrus, affording additional protection against enemy attacks.	+50 Damage Absorption	Passive	N/A	2,500 Meat
7	Furious Wallop	This skill lets you channel some of your Fury (about a gallon's worth) into a powerful, precise strike.	A regular attack that is guaranteed to be a critical hit	Combat	0 (1 Fury)	2,500 Meat
8	Claws of the Walrus	You become one with the spirit of the War Walrus, adding additional damage to your attacks.	Weapon Damage +7	Passive	N/A	3,250 Meat
8	Club Foot	Through some cruel accident of evolution, 99% of the nerve endings of every sentient creature in the universe are concentrated in their feet. You've learned to take advantage of this fact by reversing the natural order and bringing the stubber to the toe.	Weakens enemy defense If you are Furious, it also stuns them	Combat	8	3,250 Meat
9	Tongue of the Walrus	This skill gives you the ability to lick your wounds, healing 30-40 Hit Points and making you feel less beaten up.	Heals 30-40 HP Removes Beaten Up, Grilled, Half-Eaten Brain, Missing Fingers, Axe Wound, and Sunburned effects	Non-combat	10	4,000 Meat
9	Seething of the Snow Leopard	Snow leopards are always really mad. You probably didn't know this, because they're also really difficult to see when they narrow their eyes, and narrowed eyes are a classic sign of feline anger.	Improves Fury bonus weapon damage from +1 to +3 per gallon.	Passive	N/A	4,000 Meat
10	Lunging Thrust-Smack	This is a thrust-smack with a lunge added to it for good measure. If it connects, will do triple damage to your opponent.	3X Weapon Damage counts as a Smack	Combat	8	5,000 Meat
10	Ire of the Orca	Orcas are always upset about some supposed indignity they suffered in the ancient past. And they're also really large, so they have more volume to contain their upset in.	Fury capacity increases to 5 gallons	Passive	N/A	5,000 Meat
11	Batter Up!	Do you ever get so sick of looking at something that you wish you could just hit it with a club and knock it out of your sight? Sure you do.	Kills and banishes the monster until rollover (can only banish one monster at a time)	Combat	0 (5 Fury)	6,250 Meat
11	Rage of the Reindeer	This skill fills you with the rage of thousands of subjugated reindeer. This rage will make you stronger, especially when fighting guys with beards.	Rage of the Reindeer (+10% Muscle and +10 Bonus Weapon Damage) (10 Adventures)	Non-combat	10	6,250 Meat
12	Double-Fisted Skull Smashing	This skill allows you to wield a one-handed weapon in each of your hands. It'll make it much easier for you to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of the women.	Allows dual-wielding	Passive	N/A	7,500 Meat
12	Cavalcade of Fury	Sometimes you get so mad that just yelling and stomping around aren't sufficient. Sometimes your anger deserves a parade.	Consumes all of your Fury and performs multiple savage attacks	Combat	15 (All Fury)	7,500 Meat
13	Northern Exposure	This skill allows you to remember your upbringing in the Frigid Northlands. You'll be as snug as a bug in a rug, even when the wintry wind whips willy-nilly 'cross your nose. Think... the opposite of Sam McGee.	So-So Cold Resistance	Passive	N/A	10,000 Meat
13	Northern Explosion	You've learned to unleash the chill winds of your homeland on your unsuspecting, previous-comfortably-warm foes. It's cold out there.	A powerful attack that deals Cold Damage counts as a Smack	Combat	16	10,000 Meat
14	Musk of the Moose	By concentrating very hard, you're able to exude moose musk from your pores. The smell of the musk will make you more likely to encounter monsters when adventuring.	Musk of the Moose (Increases Combat Frequency) (10 Adventures)	Non-combat	10	12,500 Meat
14	Precision of the Penguin	Have you ever noticed that when penguins dive into frigid water, they always land exactly where they intend to? No? Well, that's just because you weren't watching carefully enough. But now you'll be able to, because of the extra precision afforded to you by your newfound similarity to penguins.	+1% chance of Critical Hit for each gallon of Fury	Passive	N/A	12,500 Meat
15	Pulverize	This skill allows you to smash certain pieces of equipment into their magical essences with a tenderizing hammer.	Can smash equipment into tasty, bite-sized chunks of the essence of the elements, including non-elemental damage. Grants access to The Malus of Forethought for Muscle classes.	Passive	N/A	15,000 Meat
15	Pride of the Puffin	Like a puffin, you are capable of feats of staggeringly little humility.	Pride of the Puffin (+10 to Monster Level) (10 Adventures)	Non-combat	30	15,000 Meat
Spookyraven Manor Quest Skill
N/A	Snarl of the Timberwolf	This skill makes you all snarly and spooky. Like a timberwolf. Timberwolves, if you didn't know this, are both the snarliest and the spookiest animals north of the arctic circle.	Snarl of the Timberwolf (+10 Spooky Damage) (10 Adventures) Replaces other Facial Expressions.	Non-combat	10	N/A
Sea Floor Skill
N/A	Harpoon!	While underwater, you're capable of fashioning any weapon into a makeshift harpoon, and throwing it with deadly accuracy.	X damage; can be used on land as well	Combat	30	N/A
Crimbo '09 Skill
N/A	Holiday Weight Gain	Everybody puts on a little extra weight during the holidays, but you've figured out how to do it any time of the year!	A Few Extra Pounds (+X HP) (10 Adventures)	Non-combat	10	N/A
Crimbo '17 Skill
N/A	Silent Hunter	Your prey will never hear what hit them.	Silent Hunting (as a Seal Clubber), Nearly Silent Hunting (otherwise) +100 Combat Initiative and no fury is gained (+25% Combat Initiative for non-Seal Clubbers) (10 Adventures)	Non-combat	10	N/A
The Traveling Trader Skill
N/A	Iron Palm Technique	By focusing your chi, or something, you've learned how to make the palms of your hands as hard as iron. The practical upshot is that you can hold swords by the blade and hit people with the hilt.	Iron Palms (Swords count as clubs) (intrinsic effect)	Non-combat	N/A	N/A

Levels

The amount of Muscle required to attain level L follows the formula Muscle = L² - 2L+ 5.

Class-Specific Powers

• +50% HP: Seal Clubbers (and Turtle Tamers) have an innate 50% bonus to their maximum HP.
• Fury: Seal Clubbers are the only class that can gain and use Fury, which enables or improves the effectiveness of many Seal Clubber skills.
• Infernal Seals: Seal Clubbers can use special seal figurines to fight powerful monsters a few times per day with no Adventure cost.
• Club Autohit: Seal Clubbers wielding a club will always hit with Smacks, regardless of monster defense.
• Bonus Weapon Damage multiplier: Seal Clubbers get Bonus Weapon Damage multiplied when using Smacks, instead of just the base weapon damage.
• Seal Clubbers who have passed their guild's test can access The Smacketeria and, if they have learned Pulverize, use The Malus of Forethought.
• Seal Clubbers can cast Clobber in combat for 0 MP.
• The Adorable Seal Larva's HP-draining ability is more powerful if you are a Seal Clubber.

Class Gear

• Seal Clubbers start with a seal-skull helmet and a seal-clubbing club in their inventory.
• The Seal Clubber's Epic Weapon is Bjorn's Hammer.
• The Seal Clubber's Legendary Epic Weapon is the Hammer of Smiting.
• The Seal Clubber's Ultimate Legendary Epic Weapon is the Sledgehammer of the Vælkyr.
• The Seal Clubber's Epic Hat is the Scalp of Gorgolok.
• The Seal Clubber's Epic Pants are Krakrox's Loincloth.
• The Seal Clubber's Epic Accessory is the Claw of the Infernal Seal.
• The Seal Clubber's Legendary Regalia is the Legendary Regalia of the Seal Crusher.
• The Seal Clubber's Standard ascension rewards, by year:
  • 2024: moss mace
  • 2023: chiffon chevrons
  • 2022: Loofah lumberjack's hat
  • 2021: Velour voulge
  • 2020: paraffin punching bag
  • 2019: chalk chlamys
  • 2018: gabardine gaiters
  • 2017: aerogel anvil
  • 2016: wicker kickers
  • 2015: polyester parachute
• The Seal Clubber's Standard Hardcore ascension rewards, by year:
  • 2024: adobe arsecover
  • 2023: ceramic cestus
  • 2022: flagstone flag
  • 2021: Stained glass suspenders
  • 2020: terra cotta truss
  • 2019: marble maebari
  • 2018: fiberglass fetish
  • 2017: wrought-iron wig
  • 2016: bakelite belt
  • 2015: porcelain police baton
• The Seal Clubber's Hardcore ascension reward is the stainless steel shillelagh.
• The Seal Clubber's Hardcore Oxygenarian ascension reward is the plexiglass pikestaff.
• The Seal Clubber's Bad Moon ascension reward is the Brimstone Bludgeon.
• The Seal Clubber's secret from the future reward is the monstrous monocle.
• The Seal Clubber's Hateful Habiliment item is the Cold Stone of Hatred.
• The Seal Clubber's Violent Vestments item is the Ass-Stompers of Violence.
• Seal Clubbers can get a sealskin drum from the Hobo Marketplace.
• The chintzy seal pendant and Fruit bat confers its enchantment bonus only to Seal Clubbers.
• The Hyperborean Hobo Habiliments and its components confer their enchantment bonuses only to Seal Clubbers.
• The Dreadful Werewolf Suit and its components confer their enchantment bonuses only to Seal Clubbers.
• The Seal Clubber's Nemesis Quest familiar is the Adorable Seal Larva.
• The Seal Clubber's level 30 trophy is the Scourge of Seals.

Notes

• Many Seal Clubbers use their high muscle stat to fight with melee attacks.
• Seal Clubbers are the only class that can use Fury.

History

• Pre-NS13, Seal Clubbers started with a seal tooth and a seal-clubbing club in their inventory.
• Before ascension, Seal Clubbers could purchase the once-defunct Lunge-Smack as a level 2 skill from the guild trainer.
• On September 26, 2013, Seal Clubbers were the first class to go through a major remake as a result of the Infernal Incursion event. 18 skills were added, including the long-gone but remade Lunge Smack. Hide of the Otter, Claws of the Otter, and Tongue of the Otter were removed, and their Walrus counterparts were improved to compensate. See Seal Clubber/Old for an archive of the skills prior to the change.
• Before ‎November 7, 2013, Seal Clubbers needed to wear a 2-handed club in order to land a guaranteed hit with their Smacks.
• On November 14, 2013, Seal Clubbers got some more changes alongside the Pastamancer and Sauceror revamp. Eye of the Stoat was replaced with Batter Up!, with all the benefits of Stoat now being innate to all Smacks, Furious Wallop had its MP cost removed, and Scowl of the Auk's MP cost was changed from 8 to 10 to match the other facial expression buffs. Finally, Thirst of the Weasel was moved to level 6, with the new Batter Up! taking its place at level 11.

References

• The class description refers to the common cliché among role playing games of having at least one Northern, "savage" character class or race (barbarians, vikings, giants, so on).
• Clubbing seals is a stereotyped practice of northern fur trappers, and an image commonly seized upon by animal rights activists for the apparent brutality against an animal often considered cute and/or friendly.

Classes
Seal Clubber	Turtle Tamer	Pastamancer	Sauceror	Disco Bandit	Accordion Thief