Reindeer Commune
Reindeer Commune (aka. An Encampment of Reindeer) is located in the 2015 incarnation of Crimbo Town.
- On first visit after December 14, 2015:
- As you enter the reindeer camp, you find Uncle Crimbo's reindeer milling around busily. They've traded their usual clothes (or, well, lack thereof) for identical gray uniforms. You find Rudolph the Red in the middle of the camp, and I'll give you one guess how you spotted him.
- That's right: he's the one giving orders to everyone else."Hey, Rudolph," you greet him. "So you're the one in charge around here?"
- "In charge? What a bourgeois notion!" he huffs at you. "No one is in charge! We are a collective of like-minded individuals who own this camp, its labors, and its profits equally!"
- "Right, sure," you say. "So when something needs to be done, who is it that tells everyone what to do?"
- "Oh, that's me. And we're very busy with Crimbo preparations, so unless you're here to help..."
- "I might be," you shrug. "What are your plans? Uncle Crimbo seems to have made himself scarce, so you guys won't be pulling the sleigh or whatever, right? ...Do you guys even do the sleigh thing? I can't remember the last Crimbo that had a sleigh involved."
- "We are not doing gift distribution this year, no," Rudolph says. "We have a much better plan: if we recruit everyone into our Communist enclave, then no distribution will be necessary, because everyone can simply deliver their own gifts to themselves!
- "Huh," you say. "That makes a weird kind of sense, I guess..."
- "And then they can return the gifts to the collective, because personal property is theft."
- "...Okay, never mind that last thing I said."
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Rudolph gives you a stern look. "Look," he says sternly, "are you here to help or not?"
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- "Oh, why not," you say. "It'll annoy my super right-wing cousin."
- "Not the motivation I would have hoped for," Rudolph says, "but I'll take it." He hands you a sheaf of papers with stern-looking block lettering on them. "Go hand out these propaganda leaflets, comrade. The more people we can recruit, the more effective the plan will be."
- "Hand them out to who?" you ask. "...Whom?"
- "Everyone you meet. People, animals, incomprehensible and unlikely constructs..."
- "Oh, you mean monsters."
- "That's fascist terminology, comrade. We're all brothers in a communist utopia. Er, and sisters. Siblings."
- "All right," you say, stuffing the leaflets into your pack. "I'll go spread the bright red block-printed word, then."
- On subsequent visits, before receiving award:
- You return to the reindeer camp. Most of the reindeer are busy painting signs and banners with slogans like WORKERS UNITE and HOT TO TROTSKY. "Cool decorations," you tell Rudolph. "I dig the Constructivist design aesthetic. Not what you'd call particularly Crimbowy, though."
- "Crimbo is a celebration of gluttony and capitalism," Rudolph snorts. "We will not be beholden to its crass traditions."
- "Well, all you'd have to do is add some green to all that red, and..."
- "Have you been distributing leaflets like I asked?" he interrupts, glaring.
- "Oh sure. No problem."
- "Good. If you hand out 30, I will reward you."
- "A reward?" you ask. "Well gosh, you should've said so before."
- "Unlike adventurers," he says, rolling his eyes, "I believe in working for the good of a cause, not for material rewards."
- "Yeah, and I bet you're real fun at parties, too," you mutter.
- When you arrive at the reindeer camp, Rudolph is giving a speech to the other reindeer. The rhetoric is so thick, it's difficult to determine what he's even talking about, but it seems to be something about the importance of working together in order to rise up against the oppressors. Which is laudible I suppose, depending on who he thinks those oppressors actually are, which is unclear. The audience seems to like what he's saying though, whatever it is -- there are a lot of raised fists and "Whoo!"s in the crowd.
- Not wanting to interrupt the speech, you sidle up to one of Rudolph's entourage, and wave a flyer at him. The reindeer nods and finds a new stack of flyers for you, and indicates with gestures that Rudolph wants you to get up to a total of 60 flyers handed out.
- You have spread the reindeers' message to X monsters so far.
- Many of the reindeer are wearing drab gray uniforms today, which makes you suddenly realize that the rest of them are walking around naked. You briefly consider writing a thesis on how an animal's stance (i.e. how many legs they walk around on) relates to their stance vis-a-vis pants, and get as far as coming up with the title "A Leg Up on the Strong Anthropomorphic Principle" before you get bored.
- Rudolph is overseeing the design and manufacture of the uniforms, and is explaining to one of the tailors that the plainness of design and color is important to foster a sense of belonging and community with one's fellow workers, and the gold brocade on Rudolph's own uniform is important so that he glitters excitingly in the stage lights when he's giving his speeches.
- "Heya," you interrupt. "Reporting for flyer duty."
- "Ah yes," Rudolph says, and one of his aides hands you a fresh stack of flyers. "Good work so far. We'll be most pleased if you can get up to 90 distributed by the end of today."
- "'Pleased' as in you'll make it worth my while?"
- "Ugh, you're such a capitalist. But yes."
- You have spread the reindeers' message to X monsters so far.
- The first thing you notice when you enter the reindeer camp -- and it would be difficult to miss -- is the crowd of people marching around in strict, evenly-spaced rows and columns, as though practicing for a military parade. Rudolph is at the front of the ranks, naturally, leading the formation around and counting off their steps. "What's going on?" you ask as you fall in step beside him. "Are you organizing some sort of army here?"
- "Certainly not, two-three-four," he says. "Of course, it may be necessary eventually, but my goal is for a peaceful revolution, six-seven-eight."
- "And yet you're marching your people around in military formation."
- "A unified society is a strong society. Unified not just in appearance, but in deed and action as well. Seven, eight. People are chaotic by nature; unity and conformity must be trained into them, two-three-four."
- "Uh-huh. Well, instead of commenting, I'll just take some flyers and be on my way."
- "Good," Rudolph replies, and gestures to an aide who falls into step beside you with a sheaf of flyers in his hand. You take the flyers and step out of formation carefully so as to not trip up the guy behind you. "120 today, comrade," Rudolph calls back to you as his parade marches away.
- You have spread the reindeers' message to X monsters so far.
- Today Rudolph is overseeing the construction of what looks like some kind of radio tower. "Coordination requires communication," he says when you approach, anticipating your question.
- "I suppose it is easier to give orders when they can hear you across the entire camp," you reply.
- "The entire camp, yes."
- "...Would you like to put a slightly more creepy and foreshadowing spin on how you said that?"
- "I don't think that will be necessary," he says, handing you a fresh stack of flyers. "See if you can get up to 150 flyers handed out today."
- You have spread the reindeers' message to X monsters so far.
- Several of Rudolph's "comrades" are wearing headsets and microphones this morning, and are chattering back and forth as they perform their various duties or march around the camp in formation. "I see you're working on means for everyone to be able to communicate with each other over distances, without needing to be face to face," you say.
- "That's correct," Rudolph replies. "It is a notable advance over them only hearing my own orders over a microphone. When all comrades are able to pass information between each other at all times, the cohesion and unity of the group is increased tremendously."
- "Yeah. Great. So how many flyers do you need me to hand out today?"
- "180."
- "Okay."
- You have spread the reindeers' message to X monsters so far.
- The camp is much the same as yesterday. If anything, the comrades seem to have become more focused -- or unfocused, depending on how you look at it. They go about their tasks with machine-like precision, without hesitation or distraction... but the looks on their faces are vacant, their attention directed inward to the constant multiperson conversation going on inside their headhones.
- "This is creepy," you tell Rudolph.
- "Don't be so bourgeois," he says. "What you are witnessing is the birth of a utopia! Everyone working together in perfect harmony and accord!"
- "That's what's creepy about it."
- Rudolph chuckles and hands you some more flyers. "The quota for today is 210," he says.
- "Fine, I guess."
- You have spread the reindeers' message to X monsters so far.
- You arrive at Rudolph's camp, expecting to see some sort of craziness, but everything looks pretty much the same as yesterday. Everyone's still marching around, chattering into their headsets. "Rhubarb, rhubarb, peas and carrots," they still seem to be saying when heard all at once.
- Rudolph waves you over when he sees you, and hands you some more flyers. "Today, I would like you to get up to 240 flyers handed out," he says.
- "Fine, but what's the big surprise you alluded to yesterday?" you ask. "I don't see anything different."
- Rudolph holds up a little electronic gadget about the size and shape of a keyboard key. It has a blinking light in the middle, a little antenna sticking out of the top, and several thin wires trailing out from underneath.
- "I don't know what that is," you say.
- "I'll tell you when you're done handing out flyers," Rudolph says with a smug grin.
- "Ugh. Fine."
- You have spread the reindeers' message to X monsters so far.
- Rudolphus greets you as you enter the camp. "You've returned! We were afraid you might refuse to hand out flyers for us after our little... revelation."
- "Yeah, well," you mutter. "I figure I'd better see this out to the bitter end. And keep an eye on you."
- "And of course because you're a mercenary -- oh, excuse us, an adventurer -- and you need some more flyers to hand out?"
- "Well, it's better than standing around here listening to whatever dumb villain monologue you've got planned."
- "That's very hurtful. Whatever you may think, we are working toward the ideal of a perfect utopia for all people."
- "Just give me the flyers."
- He shrugs and hands you the flyers. "Today's target is 270."
- You have spread the reindeers' message to X monsters so far.
- With some trepidation, you return to Rudolphus's camp. It's spooky, seeing everyone walking around doing their various jobs as if in a daze, not talking or making any sort of noise at all. Although from another point of view, it's also kind of peaceful. For a certain definition of 'peaceful'.
- The parade has stopped, you notice -- instead of marching around, the workers who aren't busy are simply standing in formation, waiting patiently for new instructions. Rudolphus arrives as you're watching a worker suddenly turn and leave the formation, seemingly without motivation, and begin mechanically performing some menial chores.
- "It's more energy-efficient if they don't march," Rudolphus comments. "The parade was only for initial coordination training."
- You narrow your eyes coldly. "You had better not be trying to get into my brain," you growl.
- "Perish the thought. It must be truly baffling in there. No, guessing what you were thinking was not a complex trick."
- "Just gimme the flyers," you grumble, holding out a hand.
- "Here you go!" he replies cheerfully. "Let's say... 300 today?"
- You have spread the reindeers' message to X monsters so far.
- As you walk into the camp, something feels... off. Creepy. Creepier than usual. It takes a second to realize what it is: as you're walking through the place, instead of ignoring you, all the workers are turning to face you. Their heads swivel around, staring blankly at you as you walk past them. A few of them follow you as you approach Rudolphus, though not so many as to surround you in a menacing way -- just a few, here and there, standing in little clusters watching you.
- "What the hell," you ask Rudolphus, "is going on?"
- He smiles at you, and simultaneously, so does everyone else. "Integration is complete," he says -- and so does the worker standing next to him, and the ones behind you, and in fact everyone nearby. "It took a few days to finalize," they say in perfect unison, "but we have done it. We are one mind. We are Crimborg."
- "Holy crap," is all you can think to say.
- "We would like to reiterate that we mean you no harm," they say, in tones that are probably meant to be soothing but do not lessen the pants-wetting quality of the situation. "We will build the perfect utopia. All will work together for the good of all." One of them hands you a stack of flyers. "We regret your distrust of us, but hope that you will be willing to assist us one more time, by distributing a final total of 330 flyers advertising our community."
- You have spread the reindeers' message to X monsters so far.
- On subsequent visits, after receiving award:
- You've already done everything the reindeer have asked of you today.
- The reindeer camp is much the same as when you last saw it, but there's nobody around. Well, wherever they are, good luck to them, I guess.
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Show them your clipboard or whatever
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- Before handing out at least 30 leaflets:
- You start to head to Rudolph's camp, but it looks like you haven't met your quota for handing out communist leaflets yet. Now there's a situation I bet you didn't expect to find yourself in this Crimbo.
- After handing out at least 30 leaflets:
- When you return to the reindeer camp, you notice that some of the workers are adding some green touches to the propaganda posters and banners. "Ahem," you say meaningfully to Rudolph.
- "Yes, yes," he says, waving a hand dismissively. "We decided using the Crimbo colors would increase a general sense of public goodwill toward the art that would potentially transfer to the message, without compromising our ideals too much. Are you done handing out flyers for today? At least 30?"
- Yep," you reply.
- "Good," Rudolph says, and hands you some bottles of beer. "Remember that property is theft, so you'll be expected to return that when you're done with it."
- "Oh yes, I certainly will do that, uh-huh."
- "Somehow, I don't believe you. Anyway, come back tomorrow, and I'll give you some more flyers to hand out."
- After handing out at least 60 leaflets:
- When you return to the camp, Rudolph's speech is still in progress. You hope for the sake of the crowd that there was a lunch break or at least an intermission at some point, but they still seem pretty into it. The previous ragged cheering has evolved into a chant of "Unity is strength!", and it seems like everyone's figured out the rhythm of the speech and when they should all put their fists in the air. Though, it still seems like Rudolph's speech basically boils down to "Bosses suck, don't you agree?"
- You find the aide who gave you the leaflets before, and report your success. He indicates that Rudolph has authorized him to give you some bread, by giving you some.
- After handing out at least 90 leaflets:
- By the time you return to the camp, everyone has been kitted out with the same shapeless, drab gray uniforms. Some non-reindeer appear to have arrived to join up, and been given similar -- by which I mean identical -- uniforms as well. With everyone trudging around in the same outfits, the place looks pretty much exactly what you imagined a communist enclave would look like, assuming you ever took the time to imagine that.
- You find Rudolph practicing his majestic facial expressions while an aide polishes the brass buttons on his jacket. "I'm done for the day," you tell him. "90 flyers distributed."
- "Excellent. Your labors on behalf of the people will be rewarded appropriately", he replies. A reindeer approaches and gives you a red armband, then pulls out a tape measure and attempts to measure your inseam. You back away as politely as possible.
- After handing out at least 120 leaflets:
- By the time you make it back to the camp, everyone's marching around without Rudolph's leadership -- just a long rectangular formation of people in gray uniforms marching unflaggingly around the camp. "Don't they get bored?" you ask Rudolph, who is standing on his little stage looking very proud of himself.
- "Boredom results from dissatisfaction with one's endeavors," he says. "What could be more satisfying than being part of a greater whole?"
- "Like a cog in a machine? Sounds great."
- "It pleases you to be sarcastic, but every cog has its particular place and function, and the machine requires every one of them, working in unison, to operate."
- "And what's this machine of yours going to do?" you ask.
- Rudolph hands you a crate of nuclear bombs and strides off wordlessly with a smugly enigmatic look on his face. Ugh, what a jerk.
- After handing out at least 150 leaflets:
- "Well, that's quite a radio tower you've built there," you comment, upon your return to the camp. "Or you've ordered other people to build, at least."
- "Thank you," Rudolph says. "It is pretty good, isn't it?"
- "It does seem a bit taller than I'd think it would need to be. I mean, to send a signal from the middle of the camp to the edge, you probably don't need a tower as tall as the camp is wide."
- Rudolph gives you a blank look. "...Are you just playing dumb?" he asks. "I should think it's pretty clear by now that my plans aren't limited to this encampment."
- "Well, I'm kind of stalling for time. We've got six more days of this, after all."
- Rudolph shrugs and hands you a loop of chain. Weird.
- After handing out at least 180 leaflets:
- As expected, by the time you return to Rudolph's camp, everyone has been equipped with a headset, and they're all murmuring to each other constantly, creating a constant susurration of noise that actually does sound like the "peas and carrots, peas and carrots" from old movies.
- "The important part," Rudolph says, even though you didn't ask, "is learning to tune out the sound of everyone except for the specific person you're conversing with. It's tricky at first, but it can be mastered with practice. And my comrades have picked it up quickly -- their unity and uniformity puts them all in tune with one another. And with me."
- "This plot is becoming increasingly transparent to anyone who knows the history of Crimbo," you complain.
- "Hush," Rudolph admonishes you, and hands you a solid-looking hammer. "It's only day 6. Don't spoil it."
- After handing out at least 210 leaflets:
- "Okay, I met your flyer quota for today," you tell Rudolph.
- "Marvelous," he says, handing you a little red book. "We greatly appreciate all the help you've been giving us, you know."
- "...When did you start using the royal 'we'?" you ask.
- "Royal?" he frowns. "Don't be ridiculous. We're using the collective 'we'."
- "Right, and you and I clearly need to have a discussion about this whole thing."
- "Yes yes, but wait for tomorrow. I'll have something special to show you then."
- After handing out at least 240 leaflets:
- "All right, Rudolph, I'm done handing out flyers," you say. "So spill it: what's your little electronic gadget do?"
- "Take a careful look around you," he says, handing you a faded protest sign. "Don't you notice anything different?"
- You turn around and regard the camp. It looks pretty much the same. Everyone's still marching around in formation, occasionally leaving the ranks to go perform some task before returning to their place in the parade. Nothing has changed... except...
- "It's too quiet," you say. "What happened to the 'peas and carrots'? Nobody's wearing their headsets."
- Rudolph grins at you. "The headsets were a preliminary step," he says. "Training, you might say." He turns his head to show you a patch of white surgical tape behind one ear, and a little antenna poking out from underneath it.
- "I knew it," you say. "I knew that when we destroyed the Crimborg and freed you from their Collective eight years ago that... Holy cow, has it really been eight years? ...Anyway, I knew that wouldn't be the end of it!"
- "You destroyed nothing but a shell," Rudolph sneers. "The Collective has lived on inside me, Rudolphus of Crimborg, for these past eight years! ...wow, huh, it really has been eight years, hasn't it? My, how time flies."
- "Give me one good reason I shouldn't just destroy you right now!" you shout, drawing your weapon.
- "Here's three: first, you're completely surrounded." You look around you and discover that, indeed, the gray-uniformed and antennaed workers have formed ranks around the two of you. "Secondly, it isn't Crimbo yet. Destroy us half a week early? Nonsense! How anti-climactic! And thirdly... well, let's just say we suspect you'll have need of us before this is over."
- "What's that supposed to mean?" you demand, but Rudolphus only laughs.
- "Come back tomorrow," he says. "We will have more flyers for you to hand out."
- The rows of workers part behind you, and you're escorted out of the camp.
- After handing out at least 270 leaflets:
- Rudolphus is observing some workers climbing around on the radio tower. "Should I even ask?" you ask him.
- He shrugs. "Just some fine-tuning and range amplification. My comrades find it... disconcerting to get too far away from the tower, and it wouldn't do to have us limited to such a small area."
- "Oh yes, of course," you reply dryly. "How awful it would be if your perfect communist utopia couldn't be spread across the entire world."
- "Is that sarcasm? We have no need of it, with such perfect communication amongst the members of our Collective, and we're starting to forget how it works."
- "Do you still remember hand-gestures?" you ask, demonstrating a few.
- "How crass. Here's your reward for your hard work anyway, though," he says, handing you a little red book.
- After handing out at least 300 leaflets:
- "Something's been puzzling me about all this," you say as Rudolphus gives you a sharp-looking sickle. "And I've just figured out what it is."
- "Oh?" Rudolphus asks.
- "I don't see anybody making weapons. Everyone's just doing regular commune jobs. Well, when they're not standing in super-creepy motionless ranks. It doesn't seem like much of an army."
- "Army?" Rudolphus looks mildly surprised. "Who said anything about an army? We are building a utopia; no true utopia has room for military violence. A revolution may be necessary, yes, but a revolution of hearts and minds does not require weapons."
- "What an either beautifully positive or supremely disturbing thing to say," you reply. "Even if I believed that your motives are pure, you know that you're going to have violence on your hands if you try to assimilate the rest of the Kingdom, right? Heck, even if you keep to yourselves, you're probably gonna attract some bad attention once people realize what you've got going on here."
- Rudolphus shrugs. "What you believe about our motives is irrelevant. And as for 'bad attention', we are not without defenses."
- "What does that mean?"
- He shakes his head. "If we're lucky, you won't need to find out."
- After handing out at least 330 leaflets:
- At the camp entrance, you are met by one of the Crimborg, who gives you a little tub of paint. "Thank you for your assistance," he says. "No more will be required."
- "Where's Rudolphus?" you ask.
- "The body you call by that name is still here in the camp, but it is not necessary for you to speak to it directly. We are Crimborg. We are all equal."
- "Yeah, yeah," you say, "but some are more equal than others, right? Someone tells the others what to do, someone gets to wear the uniform with the brass buttons and gold brocade."
- "No. Such a leader was useful at first -- a being of personality and charisma, to organize the collective and attract members. But this ego, this personality, is no longer relevant. We are now one."
- "But... I mean... Okay, Rudolphus-- I mean Rudolph, he was kind of a jerk, but he was a person, and his personality was what made him a person. It's right there in the word, right? He made all this possible, and by taking away that personality, you've effectively killed him!"
- "Not at all. Your dismay is unwarranted. We are all Rudolphus, in a very real sense. We could speak to you with his voice and mannerisms, if it would make you feel better."
- "No. No thanks," you say, and you turn and leave the camp.
- You've had enough of this reindeer nonsense.
