Pygmy witch lawyer

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Pygmy witch lawyer
Monster ID 1434
Locations The Hidden Apartment Building, The Hidden Office Building, The Hidden Park
Hit Points 145
Attack 150
Defense 142
Initiative 40
Meat 140-210
Phylum dude
Elements None
Resistance  ?
Monster Parts arm, head, leg, torso
attorney's badge, pygmy briefs, short writ of habeas corpus
Manuel short deposition
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
pygmy witch lawyer You're fighting a pygmy witch lawyer

This pygmy's spiked hair, professional blue warpaint, and wicker briefcase mark him as one of the tribe's witch lawyers, who are frequently called on to handle cases involving goat theft, breach of pictograph-covered leaf, or murder. In fact, it's a murder case that he's working on right now -- yours. And he's working pro-bono.

Hit Message(s):

"OBJECTION!" he shouts, while violently jabbing his finger into your eye. Argh! Ooh!

He acts in loco parentis and gives you a spanking. Ouch! Ow!

He beats the crap out of you de jure and de facto. Ugh! Eek!

He bonks you with his briefcase. Man, that thing must be full of gold, or someone's soul or something--it's heavy! Ouch! Argh!

He pummels you in accordance of the guidelines set down by D'kn!x v. Stevens. Ouch! Ow!

He slices you with a writ of habeus corpus, even though he hardly knows us. Ouch! Oof!

Critical Hit Message:

He delivers a heartfelt closing argument for the fight, mixing homespun wisdom, biting accusation, and vicious headbutts to your shins. Eek! Oof!

Miss Message(s):

He starts to attack you, but you shout "OBJECTION!" and he is momentarily taken aback.

He tries to act in loco parentis, but lacks a loco motive.

He tries to beat the crap out of you, but lacks legal standing to act as your pummeler in this case.

He tries to bonk you with his briefcase, but you debrief him.

He tries to pummel you, but you point out he's in violation of precedent set by Z'k'!nnbe v. Johnson.

He tries to slice you with a writ of habeus corpus, but you point out he hardly knows us.

Fumble Message:

He pulls out a gavel, but you grab it, bang it, and declare the fight's adjourned. It takes a minute for him to realize he's been duped. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 140-210 Meat (average: 175, stdev: 14.69)*
Lawyerbadge.gifYou acquire an item: attorney's badge (15% chance)*
Briefs.gifYou acquire an item: pygmy briefs (5% chance)*
Shortwrit.gifYou acquire an item: short writ of habeas corpus (5% chance)*
You gain ? <substat>.

Occurs in The Hidden Office Building and The Hidden Apartment Building.