Pygmy orderlies

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Pygmy orderlies
Monster ID 1435
Locations The Hidden Hospital, The Hidden Bowling Alley
Hit Points 158
Attack 152
Defense 142
Initiative 20
Meat 160-240
Phylum dude
Elements None
Resistance  ?
Monster Parts arm, head, leg, torso
compression stocking, midriff scrubs, pill cup
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
pygmy orderlies You're fighting some pygmy orderlies

You are attacked by three pygmies standing in a row, all wearing the exact same shirt. You conclude that they either all work at the same hospital, or they're on a bowling team.

When one of them pulls out a scalpel and one of them pulls out a bowling pin, you conclude that it's both. And that you are in imminent danger of being simultaneously cut and bludgeoned.

Hit Message(s):

One of them slips behind you, and the other two each shove one of your legs 'til you go sprawling. Wacky hijinx! Ugh! Ugh!

One of them smacks you in the kneecaps with a bedpan, while the other ones watch and laugh. Ow! Ugh!

One of them yanks your pants down and another one ties your shoelaces together. Yes, even if you aren't wearing pants or shoes. Pygmy magic is strong. Ouch! Ow!

They form a pygmy pyramid to get tall enough so the top one can punch you in the gut. Ouch! Ow!

They say it's time to put in your catheter, and you pull a muscle running away from them. Eek! Ooh!

Two of them hold onto your legs while the third one jumps up and headbutts you in the groin. That was rather disorderly of them, if I do say so myself. Ooh! Ugh!

Critical Hit Message:

They try to take your blood pressure, examine your ears, and put a tongue depressor in your mouth at the same time. It's all wacky hijinx until they throw a thermometer in the mix, too, and then people start to get hurt. Specifically, you. Ow! Oof!

Miss Message(s):

One of them swings a bedpan at you. Thankfully, it's empty.

One of them tries to jump up and headbutt you in the crotch, but he's too short.

They form a pygmy pyramid, but they're too heavy to hold each other up for long.

They say it's time to put in your catheter, but you're absolutely not having that.

They're too busy high-fiving each other and composing rap songs to fight this round.

They go into an eye-poking, nyuk nyuk nyuk routine with each other while you watch.

Fumble Message:

They're too disorderly to even orchestrate a successful group attack on you--each one runs up separately and gets punted quickly away. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 160-240 Meat (average: 200, stdev: 16.73)*
Compsock.gifYou acquire an item: compression stocking (15% chance)*
Midriff.gifYou acquire an item: midriff scrubs (5% chance)*
Pillcup.gifYou acquire an item: pill cup (25% chance)*
You gain ? <substat>.

Occurs in The Hidden Hospital and The Hidden Bowling Alley.


  • This monster counts as a group (of size four). It takes manifold damage from area-of-effect skills such as Wave of Sauce.