Plywood cultists

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Plywood cultists
Monster ID 2072
Locations The Evil Cathedral
Hit Points 100
Attack 150
Defense 150
Initiative 0
Meat None
Phylum construct
Elements None
Resistance  ?
Monster Parts None
Rubee™, Rubee™
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
plywood cultists You're fighting the plywood cultists

The village cathedral is dimly-lit with fake electric candles that cast flickering shadows around the old pews and plaster columns. Somewhere a speaker is playing a recording of two guys chanting "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet," in spooky voices.

As you start to walk up the aisle, a robed and hooded cultist (painted on plywood) rises up out of the floor behind the altar, accompanied by a cloud of dry ice vapor. You hear the scraping of ropes and pulleys all around you, and more plywood cultists appear, popping up behind pews and pillars, scooting around and then vanishing again like ducks in a shooting gallery.


As you enter the cathedral, the plywood cultists are already in motion, popping up and down between the pews and sliding around behind the pillars. Who would even come up with this? It's like if Clive Barker built a paintball arena.


Back in the cathedral, you stand and watch the plywood cultists for a while. You know, despite the general chintziness of... everything, you kind of have to admire the engineering work that went into building this. The plywood cutouts all glide around quite briskly, and it doesn't seem like they're getting stuck anywhere or having any malfunctions. It's like watching an elaborate ballet, really.

Oh wait, two of them just bonked into each other and fell over. Never mind.


You approach the cathedral and spend some time watching the plywood cultists carefully from the doorway, trying to determine and memorize their movement patterns. Surely they're not just controlled by stagehands in the basement pulling on ropes chosen entirely at random, right? ...Right?


You stride grimly back into the cursed cathedral, determined to defeat these plywood cultists once and for all! ...oh, someone's painted big fake mustaches on them and given them funny hats. Well. That sort of deflates the drama of the whole thing.

Hit Message(s):

A plywood cultist pops up behind you and spins around, whacking you in the <throat> with a stick. Then it slides into an alcove and out of sight.Ow! Oof! Eek! Oof!

A plywood cultist quickly slides along a track, slams into your <knee>, and vanishes into the floor before you can react.Argh! Ow! Oof! Eek!

A plywood cultist pops up, shoots you right in the <elbow> with a paintball gun, then disappears behind a pillar.Ouch! Ow! Argh! Ugh!

Critical Hit Message:

A plywood cultist shoots up out of a slot in the ground below you and slices you right in half!

Nah, not really. You just fall down and bruise your solar plexus, and shake your fist at the cultist as it slides back into the floor. Ugh! Ow!

Miss Message(s):

A plywood cultist slides past you and retracts into the floor before you can attack it.

A plywood cultist pops up behind you and spins around, attempting to hit you with a stick. You manage to duck quickly, but not quickly enough to stand up and retaliate before it's gone again.

A plywood cultist pops up right next to you, but withdraws before you can react.

Fumble Message:

The cultists stop moving, and you hear a loud clonk clonk clonk sound and some cursing coming from under the floor. Nothing happens for a while, but you wait patiently and eventually they start back up again. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Megagem.gifYou acquire an item: Rubee™ (100% chance)*
Megagem.gifYou acquire an item: Rubee™ (100% chance)*

Occurs at The Evil Cathedral.


  • Blocks normal attacks, skills and items:
You move to attack it, but it's nowhere to be found.
You can't use a skill on a thing when you don't know where the thing is.
You can't use that item on something you can't see.