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You're not entirely sure what this is -- it was the prize for an absurdist joke-telling competition. All the absurdists would tell you is "this is not a pipe," which isn't very useful. I mean, it's clearly not a food processor, either.

Uh, it's probably not a food processor, either.

Type: spleen item (good)
Toxicity: 4
Level required: 4
Selling Price: 100 Meat.

(In-game plural: not-pipes)
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Item number: 2660
Description ID: 895277536
View in-game: view
View market statistics

Obtained From

The Rogue Windmill
Up in the Hippo Room

When Used

You do not light the not-a-pipe, and you proceed to do something with it that is not smoking. Whatever it is, it's very refreshing, and gives you the feeling that your head has been replaced with either a window or a giant apple.
AdventuresYou gain 4-12 Adventures.
You gain 20-30 Beefiness.
You gain 20-30 Mysteriousness.
You gain 20-30 Chutzpah.
(You gain 4 Spleen.)


  • When it debuted, using this item would give you 20-30 Muscularity substats for each of the three substat gains, effectively gaining 60 - 90 substats. This discrepancy was fixed in the June 4 update. The stats given are now equally distributed.
  • Previously, unlike most other spleen items, not-pipes gave their adventure bonus after granting their stats. However, this was silently changed on or before September 10, 2020.


  • This item refers to René Magritte's painting, The Treachery of Images. The painting includes the inscription "Ceci n'est pas une pipe," which is French for "This is not a pipe".
  • The use text refers most specifically to Magritte's painting, The Son of Man, but a window and a green apple were continuing tropes throughout his work.


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