Naughty Sorceress Quest/Old

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The Three Gates
The Perplexing Door
The Stone Mariachis
The Hedge Maze
The Tower Monsters
The Heavy and Light Doors
The Shadow
Defeating The Naughty Sorceress


After reaching level 13, The Council of Loathing will send you to take care of the Naughty Sorceress. Go to the Lair of The Naughty Sorceress and defeat her -- as a reward, you can ascend. You must complete all non-optional quests from The Council of Loathing before you are assigned this one.

Required Items List

To get to the Sorceress' Lair, you'll need to complete a variety of tasks. This table lists the items you'll need to make it to the top of her tower.

Take all these: You'll need some of these:


1 of: star crossbow, staff, or sword

1 each of 5 of: razor-sharp can lid, spider web, frigid ninja stars, hair spray, baseball, sonar-in-a-biscuit, NG, disease, photoprotoneutron torpedo, chaos butterfly, leftovers of indeterminate origin, powdered organs, plot hole, inkwell, Knob Goblin firecracker, mariachi G-string, pygmy blowgun, fancy bath salts, black pepper, bronzed locust or meat vortex
Note: it is random which 5 you will need. Try to pick up as many as you can during the normal course of a run.

1 of: barbed-wire fence, stick of dynamite, or tropical orchid
Note: it is random which one you will need.

1 of: acoustic guitarrr, heavy metal thunderrr guitarrr, stone banjo, Disco Banjo, Shagadelic Disco Banjo, Seeger's Unstoppable Banjo, Crimbo ukulele, Massive sitar, 4-dimensional guitar, plastic guitar, half-sized guitar, out-of-tune biwa, Zim Merman's guitar or dueling banjo

1 of: tambourine, big bass drum, black kettle drum, bone rattle, hippy bongo, or jungle drum

1 of: stolen accordion, calavera concertina, Rock and Roll Legend, Squeezebox of the Ages, or The Trickster's Trikitixa

ten-leaf clover (optional, but highly recommended)

balloon monkey (entirely optional, but opens an Easter egg)

  • If you don't have a Star Starfish, you will need a total of 24-26 stars, 18-20 lines, and 4 star charts (the number of stars and lines depends on which weapon you use). If you already have the familiar from a previous ascension then you will need 18-20 stars, 14-16 lines and 3 charts.


Periodically, you'll need to leave the Lair to do things like change your equipment and heal between encounters. You don't need to start at the beginning every time you return. For example, once you reach the Hedge Maze, you can click on the Hedge Maze instead of going through all the entrance caverns. You can also click on the tower itself and bypass the maze, and once you have entered the chamber, it, too, can be clicked to bypass, well, everything!

However, you need to go through all gates at once. If you use that (mostly) potion to open the first gate, then go away to get what you need to open the second, the first one will be closed again if the effect has worn off. Previously testing duplicate Dungeons of Doom potions while falling down drunk helps this and other problems. Once all three gates are open, they stay open forever.

The Entrance Cavern (1)

The Three Gates

At this point in the quest, the adventurer confronts three gates, selected randomly from a large set of possibilities. Each gate requires a different effect to pass. You must have all three required effects simultaneously -- if you try to do the gates one at a time, they slam shut again as you retreat from the next gate.

Gate One: Effect Needed: Obtained from:
Gate of Hilarity Comic Violence gremlin juice
Gate of Humility Wussiness wussiness potion, Yummy Tummy bean
Gate of Morose Morbidity and Moping Rainy Soul Miasma thin black candle, Yummy Tummy bean, picture of a dead guy's girlfriend
Gate of Slack Extreme Muscle Relaxation Mick's IcyVapoHotness Rub
Gate of Spirit Woad Warrior pygmy pygment
Gate of the Porcupine Spiky Hair super-spiky hair gel
Gates of The Suc Rose Sugar Rush Most candy. (See the Sugar Rush page for the full list.)
Gate of the Viper Deadly Flashing Blade adder bladder
Locked Gate Locks Like the Raven Black No. 2
Gate Two: Effect Needed: Obtained from South of The Border or Gno-Mart:
Gate of Flame Spicy Mouth jabañero-flavored chewing gum
Gate of Intrigue Mysteriously Handsome handsomeness potion
Gate of Machismo Engorged Weapon Meleegra™ pills
Gate of Mystery Mystic Pickleness pickle-flavored chewing gum
Gate of the Dead Hombre Muerto Caminando marzipan skull
Gate of Torment Tamarind Torment tamarind-flavored chewing gum
Gate of Zest Spicy Limeness lime-and-chile-flavored chewing gum
Gate Three: Effect Needed: Obtained from The Dungeons of Doom:
Gate of Light Izchak's Blessing Dungeons of Doom potion
Gate of That Which is Hidden Object Detection Dungeons of Doom potion
Gate of the Mind Strange Mental Acuity Dungeons of Doom potion
Gate of the Ogre Strength of Ten Ettins Dungeons of Doom potion
Gate that is Not a Gate Teleportitis Dungeons of Doom potion, Typographical Clutter adventure, Quantum Mechanic attack, ring of teleportation
Special Gate: Effect Needed: Obtained from:
Gate of Bees Float Like a Butterfly, Smell Like a Bee honeypot

The Huge Mirror

To get through the Huge Mirror, get naked. Unequip all items and your familiar's item. The mirror breaks, and gives you the huge mirror shard.

The "unequip all" link on the equipment page or the "/unequip all" chat command is the fastest way to remove all of your items (don't forget to unequip your familiar equipment, too!).

Note: On Friday the 13th, this bonus text appears when breaking the mirror:

You get the feeling that maybe you shouldn't've done that.
Damn it.

The Entrance Cavern (2)

A Perplexing Door

At the Perplexing Door, you insert each of the six keys, and solve a puzzle for each key:

Key: Answer: Item Obtained:
Boris's key fish fishbowl
Jarlsberg's key phish fishtank
Sneaky Pete's key fsh fish hose
digital key Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A stone tablet (Squeezings of Woe)
Richard's star key (8,7) equip both star hat (5,3) and star starfish (6,4), and one of star staff (6,5), crossbow (5,6), or sword (7,4) stone tablet (Sinister Strumming)
skeleton key carry a ten-leaf clover (or loaded dice in Bad Moon only) or get an 11 by chance stone tablet (Really Evil Rhythm)
balloon monkey none easter egg balloon

A Perplexing Odor

Combine the following:

Wad.gif fish hose fishtank  
Wad.gif hosed tank fishbowl
Equals.gif makeshift SCUBA gear
Wad.gif fish hose fishbowl  
Wad.gif hosed fishbowl fishtank
Equals.gif makeshift SCUBA gear

Equip the makeshift SCUBA gear and enter the Perplexing Odor.

Note that the old SCUBA tank does not work here, nor do any of the Mer-Kin disguises.

The Stone Mariachis

If you gathered everything before adventuring you should be fine here. Just click on the mariachis after the door and odor.

You have to have in your inventory the following three items:

And one instrument from each of these three groups (in your inventory, not equipped):


The stone mariachis will not accept a drum machine.

The Hedge Maze

This is a multi-step puzzle.

  1. Adventure in the Hedge Maze until you get a hedge maze puzzle. The topiary golems may steal the puzzle while you are working on it, but the action you attempted to perform is still carried out. However, if you have no puzzles and adventure in the Hedge Maze, you will fight a topiary golem, even if you have completed a good path – once you get a puzzle, you will be able to get to the end of the path you already made. Having multiple puzzles may save clicks since they are only stolen one at a time; be aware, though, that any unused puzzles are a waste.
  2. Use the puzzle and rotate the pieces so that the white portions of the pieces form a path from the entrance (bottom arrow) to the hedge maze key. Some people find it to be easier to work backwards from the section containing the key to the entrance.
  3. Adventure again in the Hedge Maze to get the key.
  4. Once you have the key, use the puzzle again. Rotate the pieces so that the white portions form a path from the entrance (bottom arrow) to the exit (top arrow). Again, some people find it to be easier to work backwards from the exit to the entrance.
  5. Adventure again in the Hedge Maze to get to the Sorceress' Tower.


  • If the topiary golems steal the puzzle(s) while you are working on it and you have no more in your inventory, adventure in the Hedge Maze again until you receive another one.
  • The hedge maze puzzle does not change or reset when it's stolen.
  • Not all sections of the puzzle need to be used. Just rotate the pieces necessary to make a direct path to the door/key.
  • The topiary golems in the hedge maze are a very good enemy to fight to gain stats. So, if you're looking to boost stats, this might be a good place to do it.
  • Once you have gone through the door beyond the maze, you cannot return to the maze. This is true even if you have a hedge maze puzzle and rotate the pieces so that there isn't a path through the maze.

Surviving the Topiary Golems

The topiary golems' attacks can be avoided if your Moxie is high enough (roughly 245). A similar Muscle rating is required to be able to consistently hit them (if your Muscle is too low, you can only hit them with a critical hit). If you are a Disco Bandit, using the skill Disco Face Stab can prevent you from being hit at lower levels of Moxie. It helps to have a powerful attacking familiar, like a 20-pound Misshapen Animal Skeleton; if your Disco Face Stab and the familiar's attack are both successful then the topiary golem appears much less likely to be able to attack you successfully.

The biggest trick here is to use an item you maybe told yourself you'd never try. bottle of goofballs give you 20% added Muscle and Moxie, and if you ascend today, you'll never see the withdrawal. Even if you don't, you can remove Goofball Withdrawal tomorrow by purchasing and consuming another bottle of goofballs.

With Reagent Potions

If you still aren't powerful enough, the best strategy is to use potions made from scrumptious reagents, if you have access to them. Consult the table below and raise your main stat, using the appropriate equalizer potion as needed. You will probably need to use healing items such as the scroll of drastic healing, tiny house, and phonics down. These are more economical than any of Doc Galaktik's items; furthermore, they prevent you from wasting buffed turns on resting. Radium Radicality, obtained by using radium-flavored potato chips, is also useful to boost your Moxie.

X To Raise X To Equalize to X
Muscle Ferrigno's Elixir of Power +200%
philter of phorce +100%
oil of stability
Mysticality Hawking's Elixir of Brilliance +200%
Ointment of the occult +100%
oil of expertise
Moxie Connery's Elixir of Audacity +200%
serum of sarcasm +100%
oil of slipperiness
All tomato juice of powerful power +50%
potion of temporary gr8ness +100%

If you can get the required Moxie to take no damage (and therefore usually gain initiative), then you can whittle away the golems with any never-miss attacks available, down to the weakest 3-MP spell. If Moxie is your main stat, five turns of the serum of sarcasm or Connery's Elixir of Audacity may be all you need to complete the maze. Else, use an equalizer to your main stat and a Moxie potion together. Only focus on Muscle if you have no other option, as high Moxie will save Meat and adventures on healing.

Without Reagent Potions

Muscle Modifiers has a full list of items which will increase your Muscle, but these will be easily available to most players.

If you cannot raise your Muscle high enough, raising it to a level where your increased hit points enable you to survive a few hits may be sufficient. Mysticality classes should use a high-damage skill like Weapon of the Pastalord or Saucegeyser. Deleveling skills like Disco Face Stab or Psalm of Pointiness (especially with a Cocoabo to heal you) might also be useful here. Entangling Noodles can also greatly improve your survival rate and allow you to get by with less Muscle, as long as you have enough HP to survive the first hit and are able to deal enough damage (without using Thrust-Smack or Lunging Thrust-Smack) to defeat them quickly.

The Sorceress' Tower

Quest information continues in The Sorceress' Tower/Old.

Council Text

On initial visit:

Now that you have proven yourself, the Council has deemed that it is time for you to embark upon your final quest. Seek out and destroy the Naughty Sorceress, who has plagued these lands for so long, and rescue King Ralph XI, whom she has imprismed.
Go forth to her Lair, east of the Nearby Plains! Beat her down!

On subsequent visits:

Be strong, Adventurer! You must defeat the Naughty Sorceress! You'll find her Lair just east of the Nearby Plains.

After completing the quest but before freeing the king:

"Congratulations, Adventurer! You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress and brought peace to the land again. Say, did you know she was your mother?
Nah, just kidding. Anyway, I notice you left the king imprismed up there. It would be horrible if you left him there, because then the monsters would continue to fight adventurers and we would continue to have absolute power throughout the land. Yup, that sure would be a drag.
I guess you should probably go free him, though. But, y'know, take your time. If there's anything really important you have to do first, like brushing your teeth or cleaning your campsite, just go ahead and do that.
Seriously, no rush."

After freeing the king:

"Congratulations, Adventurer! It's the end of your quest as we know it. Don't worry, we feel fine. You've freed the king and made us obsolete. Ah, well. Hail to the king, baby.
There's one little matter of obscure prophecy we forgot to tell you about, though. Sorry -- Dave, our librarian, just brought it to our attention. Apparently, your physical presence is somehow tied to the continuing monster attacks in the kingdom. As long as you remain on this plane of existence, the attacks will continue. It seems that it wasn't just the Sorceress -- the monsters just really, really don't like you.
I don't suppose you'd bugger off this mortal coil, would you? Our instruments (especially the tuba) show there's a rip in the fabric of reality that appeared when you fought the Sorceress. If you jump in there, you'll ascend to a higher plane and peace will rule our land."


  • The key sequence for the digital key is known as the Konami code, a cheat code that worked in most of the Konami games on the NES and SNES.
  • When a wrong code is entered there's a hint to look for a code for the game called Contra (the text in red). When entered at the beginning of the original Contra game for the NES, the Konami code would give you 30 lives, which is also mentioned in the riddle.
  • The three gates at the beginning of the the lair are a reference to the book Die unendliche Geschichte, (in English, "The Neverending Story") written by Michael Ende.
  • The Huge Mirror is likely a reference to the Magic Mirror Gate in The Neverending Story. In the movie adaptation, the scientist says, "The worst one is coming up. Next is the magic mirror gate. Atreyu has to face his true self... Kind people find that they are cruel, brave men discover that they are really cowards. Confronted with their true selves, most men run away screaming!"