Monster Manuel (P)

There are 102 creatures filed under P.

Monster Manuel Entries

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		42		P imp The P Imp provides protection and security to his call-girl imps, or so he claims. The P Imp walks just fine; the cane's purely ornamental. The P Imp drinks from a cup carved out of pure porquouise studded with hamethyst and baconstone gems. It's ostentastic!
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		0		Padre Cadáver The Padre didn't believe in ghosts when he was alive, and he just barely believes in them now that he is one. As if the colossal failure of the wedding wasn't embarrassing enough, the priest was wearing his bathrobe instead of his Slacks of Office! The Padre still believes in life after death, or in his case, life after life after death. He's just biding time until death comes around again for him.
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		34		pair of burnouts Early burnouts had to hit themselves in the head with rocks. When they got tired of the multiple concussions, some of them started trying burning various herbs to get the same effect. Old-school burnouts still maintain that the rocks provide a cleaner high.
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		105		panicking Knott Yeti Knott Yetis don't panic easily, but when they do, they panic thoroughly. Knott Yetis have a symbiotic relationship with tiny mountain squirrels that keep their teeth clean. Just kidding on that last one. That was the booze talking.
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		200		Panty Raider Frat Boy Many sorority orcs are avoiding panty raids by going commando -- by which I mean, they put on warpaint, pick up weapons, and beat the crap out of frat boys. Panty raiders are granted rank according to the number of undergarments they steal. The Panty Raider Union is split on whether larger underwear should count for more or fewer stat points. Panty raiders subsist on a diet of whatever edible underwear they can find on their raids.
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		4		paper towelgeist Due a conservation initiative recently enacted in the spirit world, paper towelgeists are now 80% recycled grimoires and scrolls of ancient prophecy. You would think a paper towelgeist would be the best thing for cleaning up ectoplasm. Anyway, I assume that's what you would think. Not all paper towelgeists are named Scott! That would be dumb. How would they know which one was being referred to?
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		?		party girl Party girls don't get hurt. They can't feel anything, when will they learn? That's a pretty good song. You should look it up.
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		52		party skelteon When you're a skeleton, every party is a dead man's party. The best thing about being an alcoholic skeleton is that you've got no liver to damage. The worst thing about being an alcoholic skeleton is that you've got no body to drink with.
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		16		Peacannon The peacannon's primitive eyes are capable of discerning human from zombie, but incapable of differentiating teal from seafoam. The peacannon's enmity toward zombies stems from an incident in which a zombie accidentally sprayed one with weed killer instead of spooky-gro fertilizer. The peacannon's spitting ability most likely evolved as a technique for spreading its seeds, which makes the whole thing weirdly sexual, in a horticultural sort of way.
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		650		Peanut Peanut is a manifestation of your inner madness. Everyone's deep-down insanity looks like him. Weird, huh? Peanut is salted, not honey-roasted. That'd be gross. Peanut could make about 50 pounds of peanut butter if ground up, but it'd be EVIL peanut butter.
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		200		Pecos Dave They used to make bullets out of carefully cut and polished flint pebbles, but that proved to be too time-consuming. Small songbird eggs were also tried as bullets, on the theory that they'd be cheap to produce so long as you had some birds. Unfortunately, they were not effective as ammunition. The invention of the typical lead bullet is credited to Jerry Smelt, who was both a native Ohioan and a tax attorney.
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		0		peeved roommate Don't mention bees around William Wallace -- his brother died from an allergic reaction to bee stings. If they made a movie of your familiar's life, William Wallace would indisputably be the best character in it. Among other historical inaccuracies in the movie, William Wallace never actually slept with the king's daughter-in-law before the Battle of Falkirk, and... huh? What do you mean, "not that William Wallace?"
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		15		pencil golem The hardest part of constructing a pencil golem is finding a source for giant novelty-sized pencils. They're rarer than you might think! Unlike most golems, which last for centuries, pencil golems require regular sharpening. Eventually, they need to be replaced, as a two-foot tall golem isn't very indimidating. Most pencil golems use a fairly hard lead, like 4H or 5H. If you're really unlucky, you might encounter a 9H, but they're thankfully quite rare.
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		200		Pener Crisp Worst. Breakfast cereal. Ever. Real talk: not a real cat. He pretended to be a cat because he didn't know any giraffes that can drum.
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		?		penguin mafioso Gosh, the mob penguins. Really takes you back, huh? I mean, unless you started playing less than, what, six years ago? I bet Uncle P's Antiques seems kind of weird if you weren't around for any of that stuff. A penguin in the desert? Not that there's anything about Uncle P's you should be aware of, as it is a simple legitimate business establishment, after all.
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		400		peppermint eel The third most popular Halloween costume for peppermint eels is a candy cane. They just have to bend their heads over. The second most popular Halloween costume for peppermint eels is barber pole. They just have to stand up really straight. The most popular Halloween costume for peppermint eels is Sexy Santa Claus.
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		?		Perceiver of Sensations The little voice sighed deeply. It was very unhappy, evidently, and Alice would have said something pitying to comfort it, "if it would only sigh like other people!" she thought. You don't choose to watch how blow follows blow until heroism becomes meaningless and they all give up, one by one, and join the universal chorus of despair. "Haveta get some bulldozers in here Jody. Clean out all this crap." Morbid crowds follow them about hoping to witness some superlative American outrage.
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		?		Performer of Actions "I only hope the boat won't tipple over!" she said to herself. "Oh, what a lovely one! Only I couldn't quite reach it." But are they the same amoeba dammit why can't they tell us in plain words have the extraterrestrials taken over the Britannica too? "It's all right." The God screams through you three thousand year rusty load... Hail of crystal skulls shattered the greenhouse to slivers in the winter moon...
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		?		perimeter defense sphere Don't ask him if he can get you Angus Scrimm's autograph. That's just rude, man. Perimeter defense spheres will occasionally attempt to cuddle your forehead. You should probably not let them do that. The perimeter defense sphere's natural enemy is the tennis racket.
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		0		peripatetic pirate Peripatetic (adj.) 1: Walking or traveling about; itinerant. 2: of or pertaining to Aristotle, who taught philosophy while walking in the Lyceum of ancient Athens. It's probably more the first definition that's applicable here.
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		21		pernicious puddle of pesto Pesto sauce is named for its inventor, Anna Pesto, who also invented a popular style of poetic meter. Pesto sauce is a power antiseptic, and a terrific salve for a sucking chest wound. The world record for "most pesto sauce in a single place" was awarded to, surprisingly, a pesto factory.
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		18		perpendicular bat Perpendicular bats fly like that beause of very minor fluctuations in the the Earth's magnetic field, which only bats are sensitive enough to, uh, sense. To a perpendicular bat, of course, it's you that's running around sideways. Did I just blow your mind? Sleeping perpendicular bats make excellent coathooks, if you can hang your coat carefully enough to not wake it up.
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		0		Persona Inocente Cadáver In life, this man's name actually was "Persona Inocente". His parents were kind of strange. The man that he rented the kayak from never got it back. Poor guy. While it's natural the the other spirits involved in this tragic event would continue to haunt the day, it's a little odd that this one, related to the occurance only by happenstance, would continue to be so tormented by it. Just bored, I guess?
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		120		pewter torsohunter Don't use bite attacks on these guys. I mean, maybe they're made of that modern lead-free pewter, but it's best not to risk it. Don't let them take your torso! You worked hard to find out about that thing. I spent a little time thinking about what they might do with the torsos, and pretty much all my ideas made me feel sick.
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		?		Pharaoh Amoon-Ra Cowtep His crown is called a nemes because the Ancient Egyptians liked a dirty joke as much as anyone. Most cows stop moving after they're made into beef jerky. Don't bother asking him the dream he had about seven fat guys and seven skinny guys. He can't speak English, and anyway it's a pretty boring story.
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		6		pig Pickled pigs' feet are the worst culinary idea ever. Pigs are actually very intelligent animals. Some have been trained to solve differential equations. Pigs are only the second most delicious animal ever. The first most delicious is the wild cherry pie, which camouflages itself as an inanimate baked good to fool hunters.
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		14		pine bat Pine bats tend to go into hiding during the holidays, because fairies like to capture them and use them as christmas trees. These creatures frequently flock together whereever there's a strong putrescent odor. Did you ever see the movie Se7en? Pine bats evolved their shape as a defense against predators with poor depth perception, who couldn't tell the difference between a normal-sized tree that's far away, and a tiny one that's close up.
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		0		Ping-Pong-Playing Trainbot One of the earliest goals of artificial intelligence research was to create a program that could defeat a human competitor at ping pong. This is why modern-day tech companies have ping pong tables. It's an homage to those groundbreaking early programmers. When asked why he chose ping pong as the measure of machine intelligence, Alan Turing cryptically replied "Accident."
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		?		piranha plant The piranha plant's preferred environment is the top part of a giant sewer pipe. This perplexes botanists, because the top part of a sewer pipe is also the part with the least fertilizer in it. The truth is that piranha plants hate fertilizer as much as they hate everything else.
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		?		piranhadon The piranhadon used every part of its prey, except for the skeleton, which it left behind as a warning to others. The piranhadon was a solitary creature--it was big enough that one of it qualified as a school. A school of one fish is colloquially referred to as a "home school."
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		100		pirate radio Radios got way better after the transistor was invented in 1947. Before that, they used vacuum tubes, and you know how nature feels about those. Before the invention of the vacuum tube, radio was just a stick. Before the invention of the stick, there was only The Signal.
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		0		pitch pine house Pine pitch is, for the purposes of this game, one of the foulest-smelling tree saps known to man or pig. Pigs are conditioned to endure foul smells, though, because they root and eat in crap. That's a filthy animal. Fortunately, pigs who live in a pitch pine house don't get the pitch so far into their skin that it affects the taste of the bacon, and that's what's important.
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		0		Plague Chef Plague doctors kept fragrant herbs in their masks to mask (ha ha) the smell of their patients. Plague chefs instead keep... well, you probably don't actually want to know. No, seriously. And even if you do want to know, I don't want to tell you.
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		137		plaid ghost Plaid ghosts are bad, but not nearly as monstrous as paisley ghosts. Plaid ghosts' family trees can be identified from what tartan the ghost is made out of. Plaid ghosts have a longstanding rivalry with striped ghosts. No one's sure why; they just clash.
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		134		plaque of locusts Among the locusts commemorated on the Plaque: Bzzrnflzz, who singlehandedly incited a swarm that cleared seven acres of grain during the reign of King Yore III. Critics of the Plaque point out it fails to commemorate Zzzbzz, the locust who worked tirelessly to unionize locust swarms. If they ate meat, a plague of locusts could skeletonize a cow in under a minute. As it is, though, they're only a threat to cows made out of wheat.
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		10		plastered frat orc If you ever see a sober frat orc, odds are you're in a rehab clinic. Frat orcs don't actually attend a university. They just like being in a frat. Frat orcs are still popping collars and listening to rap-metal, even though that's, like, twenty years out of date.
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		35		plastic pirate The great thing about being a plastic pirate is that you probably don't even need to learn how to swim. Plastic pirates have to be careful about where they bury their treasure, because if you lose that map a metal detector won't help you. Something about getting plastic surgery to enhance your booty.
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		30		plastic skeleton Every person has a skeleton inside them. Even a plastic person. Imagine having the job of skinning plastic action figures to get the skeletons out. Man that would be a real weird job. Imagine having to explain that at a party. Aw jeez what do they do with the leftover action figure meat?
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		?		plastic-extruding animelf In high school, this animelf was a member of a popular group of kids called "the Plastics." When he was a junior in high school, his girlfriend's dad pulled him aside and said that there was one word for success in the future: plastic. Despite those high prospects and ambitions, though, he's another low-level worker regularly burning his fingers on a hot extrusion machine. Sad, really.
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		0		plumber's helper A plumber's second-best helper is, of course, a toilet snake. Toilet plungers make good non-lethal arrows, if you live in a cartoon. An "accountant's helper" is a much less comical-looking device.
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		150		plywood cultists Actually, most cultists are made of plywood. Next time you see one of those big cult scenes, look closely at the guys in the back. Shooting galleries are often called "Hogan's Alleys" after their inventor, Paul Hogan, who used one to practice his knife-throwing skills. Sorry, I have to issue a retraction on that previous factoid. Hogan's Alleys were actually invented by Hulk Hogan, who used them to practice piledrivers.
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		25		pooltergeist British pooltergeists, also known as 'billiardolons', are notable for having larger (though not as many) balls, and no pockets. Be careful when fighting very old pooltergeists, as ivory balls tend to also be haunted by the ghosts of elephants, and the early synthetic balls were made of celluloid, which occasionally exploded. Ha ha ha, balls.
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		140		pop-and-lock raver The raver's baggy pants frequently contain other, smaller ravers, whose giant pants pockets contain even smaller ravers. The record for nested ravers (ravers contained in the baggy pants pockets of other ravers) is 23, starting with a Rave Giant and ending with a flaming gravy fairy. Glowsticks sometimes contain a phosphorescent chemical mix, but the cheaper ones are just ground-up fireflies.
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		180		pork butterfly Every pork butterfly has a unique pattern of marbling on its wings. Pork butterflies being their lives as sausage caterpillars. If you can catch one while it's in its cocoon form, it's really delicious! Pork butterflies are sometimes hunted for sport by dyslexic foodies looking for buttered pork fries.
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		162		Pork Sword The Pork Elves did not actually make swords out of pork. That would be ridiculous, they wouldn't cut worth a damn. The Pork Elves of old were primarily a peaceful people, and only made swords out of appreciation of the art and craft. It turns out, though, that the most artistic and well-crafted swords are also crazy frickin sharp. The swords commonly sold today as Pork Swords are cheap, shoddy imitations, which will probably break and stab you in the chest if you whack them against a table.
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		0		Porkpocket She experimented with margerine as a healthier alternative, but it just wasn't the same. You might assume that she steals the lard too, but nope -- she makes her own. ...I guess you could say she steals it from pigs though. Besides picking pockets, bacon grease is also good for loosening locks, quieting rusty hinges, and wiggling under security lasers. Oh, and cooking.
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		73		Portly Abomination The portly abomination is not big-boned. In fact, it may not even have bones. It's like the McRib of monsters. The portly abomination has high cholesterol, but is otherwise healthy. Guys, I seriously just now noticed the portly abomination has a perfectly normal face, it's just tilted 45 degrees to the left. I always thought it was straight up-and-down and hideously deformed. Woah.
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		1		Possessed Can of Cranberry Sauce Cranberry stains are the only marks that can't be removed, even by magical means, from clothing. They just linger. Cranberries are high in antioxidants, so they can change your life every day, in every possible way. So you take a small pot full of cranberries, add some sugar and brown sugar, and let them simmer until the berries pop open. Add some orange chunks (with peel attached), cinnamon, and clove, and it's delicious.
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		?		possessed can of cream of mushroom soup There are several recipes printed on the label. One of them is for cream of mushroom soup. It says "Open the can and eat the clammy slop inside with a spoon, you revolting pig." Another says to put it in a bowl and microwave it for a few seconds, making something called "warm goo." A third involves combining the slime with so many other ingredients that you can no longer taste it. This is probably the most popular one.
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		?		Possessed Can of Creepy Pasta Creepy pasta is made by elder gods who live beyond the stars and create food man was never meant to taste. It also contains eight deleterious anti-vitamins to build a weak body and ulcerous skin. Creepy pasta is part of a completely unbalanced breakfast.
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		?		possessed can of green beans The surprising thing about green beans is that you're not actually eating the green part. If you pickle some green beans, you'll end up with a healthy snack that nobody wants. Green beans are the only bean that the whole "musical fruit" thing doesn't apply to, but they're also the only bean that can easily be converted into a magical flute.
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		?		Possessed Can of Linguine-Os Linguine-Os are part of this complete breakfast, provided you eat them with some cereal, a grapefruit, orange juice, eggs, and toast. Linguine-Os contain 75% of the Recommended Daily Allowance of sodium, so don't go back for seconds. Linguine-Os are usually inspected for demonic possession at the factory, but this one must have gone through at the end of a shift on a Friday.
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		1		possessed can of tomatoes It's just the can that's possessed, not the contents. So once you get the tomatoes out you can still make spaghetti sauce with them. Unless you get one of the rare cases where the whole shebang's gone evil. Despite what the can tells you, your mother is probably not doing anything untoward in Hey Deze, if she's there at all. Possessed cans of tomatoes are vulnerable to garlic, but only when mixed with basil and oregano.
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		?		possessed eyewashing station Before eyewashing stations, chemists would just grab whatever beaker was handy, fill it with water, and splash it in their face. You can guess how well that worked out. In a pinch, an eyewashing station can also be an adorably romantic fountain for two. The eyes are the window to the soul, so the eyewash station is the window washer of the soul.
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		?		Possessed Jar of Alphredo™ Alphredo™ is not recommended for people allergic to shellfish, MSG, or cat dander, weirdly enough. Alphredo™ sauce left to congeal forms a substance harder than diamond. Alphredo™ sauce heated to boiling makes an effective napalm, but also smells a bit like burning tires.
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		158		possessed laundry press The laundry press was possessed by a neat-freak demon. The laundry press actually claimed more lives before it was possessed than after. The laundry press was invented by the one genius who looked at a clothes iron and wondered how to make it even more dangerous.
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		99999		possessed pipe-organ Some lesser known organ stops: "Mollify," "Vox Ursus," and "Marinate." If all the pipe in this organ were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised. The foot pedals control the lowest notes on the organ, while the nostril levers are for the highest.
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		5		possessed silverware drawer The possessed silverware drawer has a full set of steak knives in it, and also one of those things that's maybe a foil cutter for wine, but you never drink wine, so where did that thing come from? Maybe it's a paring knife. No, the paring knife is that curved cutlass-looking thing. Maybe it's for stripping corn off a cob. But you like corn on the cob, so why would you have bought one of those? And what's this thing? It's a garlic crusher? When have you ever needed to crush a clove of garlic?
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		76		possessed toy chest Possessed toy chests must be exorcised by a young priest, an old priest, and a guy dressed like Uncle Crimbo. Possessed toy chests have a portal to Hey Deze at the bottom of them. Some times, demons in Hey Deze try to crawl through the possessed toy chests to get to the Kingdom, but they always end up stepping on BRICKO bricks, howling in pain, and retreating.
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		158		possessed wine rack The world's oldest and most valuable wine collection was said to be owned by Lord Gustav Schlemmelfarn, who owned several sealed stone urns that dated back to before the invention of glass, as well as a pair of priceless wine-filled goat bladders. It might seem strange that a ghost would choose to inhabit a wine rack, but consider this: ghosts like getting hammered just as much as anyone. Wine is much more fun to drink than it is to collect.
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		158		possessed wine rack The possessed wine rack was actually built out of wood from a possessed wine barrel, so it was doomed from the start. The best bottle of wine in the rack is a dusty bottle of Chablis. It has a dry acidity and notes of ancient untethered evil. The wine rack can hold up to 16 bottles of wine at one time. Now how much would you pay?
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		130		Possibility Giant Little is known about the Possibility Giant, as his nature is constantly changing. Therefore, the other two factoids will be about cats instead. Cats can survive falls of up to at least 32 stories. Some speculate cats have a non-fatal terminal velocity, but they can't get any grants to drop a cat out of the upper ionosphere. A cat's barbed tongue helps it to groom itself and to drink water. And, y'know, to give you a rash at 3 a.m. when it won't stop licking your damn arm, and you've already fed it and petted it but it won't GO AWAY.
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		3		poutine ooze There's not a decent place to get poutine in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I mean, jeez! We're practically in Canadia, here, hook me up! Poutine is the number-one cause of delicious, delicious heart disease in Little Canadia. The french fries are only there to make you feel less guilty about eating two different textures of salty fat at the same time.
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		60		Pr Imp The Pr Imp uses a combination of styling gel, succubus guano, and the tears of the damned to get his hair to stay perfect. The Pr Imp curls his tail with a hot iron, which he plunges into a damned soul afterward. Since most beauty products are barely disguised torture implements, Hey Deze is a great place for imps who care about their looks.
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		99999		Pretty Fly It's true that the majority of pretty flies are encountered by white males, but one should keep in mind that correlation does not equal causation. The prettiest fly on record was actually crowned Miss Teen Loathing in 1378. Right after she was crowned, she vomited acid all over the judges. You might think the pretty fly is the most attractive member of the insect kingdom, but you'd be wrong! That honor belongs to the... oh, who am I kidding. All insects are horrible disgusting alien monsters.
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		0		primitive chicken Which came first, the chicken or the dinosaur? This is a trick question, because they are one and the same. Though it might not look like much, the chicken has won the World's Dorkiest Animal contest every year since they started writing the winners down. Why did the chicken cross the eons? Because it was descended from the dinosaur.
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		0		primitive survivor Primitive survivors can somehow dig a pit, line it with Punji sticks, and cover it with leaves, even though they're on a space station where the ground is concrete and there are no leaves anywhere. Weird that this guy's gone completely out of his mind, yet he retains the modesty to wear a loincloth. I mean, not that we're complaining. It's just weird. Normally, pork elves can't grow any facial hair, or the best they can manage is the kind of whispy Fu Manchu you grow in highschool when you're just hitting puberty.
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		?		prince snake The first sign of prince snake poisoning is that the victim becomes delirious and starts replacing words with letters and numbers. The second sign is a condition of the heart in which its rhythm sounds like a tambourine. The third sign is when doves cry.
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		220		Principal Mooney There's a rumor going around the school that Principal Mooney is secretly a werewolf. No one knows for sure. If you think about it, though, Principal Mooney's actually the good guy of this story; he's trying to make sure all the students come to school and learn. The lesson you can learn from Principal Mooney is that the best of intentions won't make you popular if you're a grumpy jerk. The fun-loving sociopath with charisma ends up with his name on the marquee, you end up taking the school bus home.
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		0		procedurally-generated skeleton Skeletons are like snowflakes: each one is unique, and they all want you dead. Procedural skeleton generation algorithms do not always give us the skeleton we want, but they always give us the skeleton we need. Life is like a box of chocolates, and a procedurally-generated skeleton is also like a box of chocolates. Therefore, skeletons are awesome.
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		125		Procrastination Giant A procrastination giant was elected to the Council of Loathing in 1548, on the theory that he probably wouldn't be any worse than the other councillors. He didn't bother to show up for work, which many take as confirmation of the theory. A recent poll of favorite hobbies among procrastination giants was inconclusive, because none of them returned the forms. (The third entry for this monster has not been written yet. We'll get around to it eventually. -Ed.)
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		85		Professor Jacking Professor Jacking has limited rapping ability, but he's a gifted beatmaker. Professor Jacking has a Doctorate of Dopeness from Def University. However, Def University is unaccredited and their degrees are not recognized by the Council of Realness.
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		0		propaganda-spewin' elf A selection from the red-and-green book: "Every elf contains within him or herself the potential for revolution, as well as several pounds of sugar." Another selection from the red-and-green book: "Should we, then, consider it a just society in which every elf is bent beneath the candy cane of the oppressor?" The propaganda elf actually plagiarized most of the red-and-green book from a notebook found in the hippy camp. He just added multiple references to candy on every page.
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		100		Protagonist No one knows what terrible deeds the Protagonist did before his memory was wiped, or how he managed to do them before he hit puberty. The Protagonist's blade weighs considerably more than he does. Some have speculated he's actually 35 years old, his growth stunted by lugging that thing around. The Protagonist's hair is twice as tall as his head. It's held aloft by hair gel, hair spray, egg whites, and magic.
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		164		Protector Beast None of the other priests knew this guy was a werewolf. He kept that secret for so long!
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		165		Protector S. P. E. C. T. R. E. All buildings can transform into robots if you believe in them. If a robot factory transformed into a robot, would it still manufacture robots, or would it instead be giving birth to them? What if a robot factory transformed into a robot and then gave birth to two new robot factories, and those two went on to create two more each, and so on and so forth. I'd finally have enough robots to eat all this rice on my chessboard!
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		164		Protector Spectre The ancient high priest was actually a tech support worker for the El Vibrato colonists. Sufficiently advanced technology and all that. The protector spectre can float through walls, but somehow still slash the crap out of you with its talons. Years of intense study have yet to conclude whether those things sticking out of the protector spectre are wings or ears.
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		164		Protector Spectre For more ruminations on the nature of fire and ghosts, visit your local library. Confucius once said "If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, does a fire on fire become water? No, it does not. That is ridiculous." According to Aristotle, "All men are on fire. Socrates is a man. Therefore, Socrates is on fire." Socrates replied "Put this fire out, Aristotle, you butthole."
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		164		Protector Spectre Candidate Dr. Hobo Jones's resume is full of gaps. It's also mostly transparent, because he printed it on the ghost of a sheet of A4 paper. He's not British, he just found the paper while digging through the trash outside the British embassy. Then the paper died.
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		170		Protector Spurt The Protector Spurt retains the memories of the Protector Spirit, so it has the same urge to guard the Hidden Village. The Protector Spurt is mistier than the other aquabosses, but no less deadly. The Protector Spurt is indistinguishable from the Protector Spirit in the deep American South.
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		?		proto-protozoa A good way to make fun of one of these guys would be to say "More like an amateur-to protozoa!" Actually it's probably more consistent if you say "More like an amateur-to amateur-tozoa!" No, I take it back. That's too cumbersome. Let's go with the first one after all.
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		0		protoceratops spectre When they invented the protoceratops, it broke the mold. With its huge face-claw thing. People don't talk about the biceratops much, because in addition to having a really common number of horns, it was also kind of a racist. The third time was really the charm with these guys.
		0
		0

		?		provocateur elf The elves really hated working for the Penguin Mafia, and those guys were locals. Just imagine the ruckus if they'd been taken over by someone foreign, like the Panda Triads or the Yakuza. Elves distract easily, so it isn't hard to get them to stop working. The hard bit is to keep them from starting working again when they get distracted from the distraction. Elves are generally pretty meek, and it took this one a lot of practice to be able to really incite anything. She started out saying things like "Maybe if we ignore them they'll go away."
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		21		psychedelic fur This fur isn't murder; the beast it's from just regularly sheds its skin, fur attached. The only thing more amazing than the psychedelic fur is, like, your hands, man. I mean, they're like miracles. The proper accessory to wear with a psychedelic fur is a hairpiece made of crocheted squares sewn together. Yes, an afghan wig.
		18
		18

		?		pterodactyl Sometimes the poor pterodactyl just wants to relax with an iamb or two. How come you can't hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The 'p' is silent. Get it?
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		400		pufferfish In a way, I'm a pufferfish. I've gotten steadily rounder over time. I'm just slower, and I use bacon instead of water. Have you ever watched a pufferfish swim while listening to Phish's "Billy Breathes?" It, like, totally syncs up, man. This particular type of pufferfish spends four hours a day eating, four sleeping, and 16 looking at its fins.
		450
		750

		330		pumped-up bass The pumped-up bass is often picked up by fisherman, but just as quickly dropped. Pumped-up bass is too tough and sinewy to eat. Plus the chemicals in it make you grow extra nipples. All the little kids with their pumped-up bass better run, better run, outrun my gun.
		270
		500

		?		pumpkin spice wraith Pumpkin spice doesn't have any pumpkin in it. This is the same principle as PIN numbers not having any numbers in them. If you want to bake a pumpkin pie from scratch, first you must invent Starbucks. There was a secret sixth member of the Spice Girls who only showed up during their annual Halloween concert. Nobody can remember her name.
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		?		pumpkin tree Never attempt to plant the seeds that come out of a jack-o-lantern, because they will grow into spooky skeletons. Jack-o-lanterns are actually the larval form of equestria decapitatum, otherwise known as the common headless horseman. The pumpkins that are commonly used for carving spooky faces are not very good for making pumpkin pies, because the pies end up infested with ghosts.
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		150		Punk Rock Giant Punk rock giants don't like any band that can actually play their instruments. So most punk bands fall out of favor as they perform, rehearse, and improve their sound. Punk rock giants are anti-establishment, anti-disestablishment, and pro-anti-disestablishment. So they're a little confused, but they're definitely angry. Punk rock giants have one thing in common with hipsters: if you've heard of a band, they don't like it.
		140
		150

		152		pygmy assault squad The pygmy assault squad plays a complicated rock-paper-scissors style game to see which one gets to form the head. The pygmy that forms the head gets to wear the tribe's Sacred Crown Roast. The pygmy at the bottom has a largely thankless job, but tends to live longer versus taller opponents.
		136
		148

		156		pygmy blowgunner The little poison frogs that pygmies make their blowgun darts out of are brightly-colored, so that predators know not to eat them. This is a defense mechanism that has basically backfired, since it also makes it really easy for the pygmies to find them. Pygmies undergo lengthy training to be resistant to surprise, because suddenly inhaling when you have a blowgun in your mouth is extremely uncomfortable. Pygmy behavior can be explained as an attempt to win the status of "Most Annoying Video Game Enemy" from bats.
		130
		147

		154		pygmy bowler Pygmy bowlers generally only play five frames. Pygmy bowlers sometimes enforce foul line violations with a blowgun, because this isn't 'Nam and there are rules. Pygmy bowlers always wash and thoroughly oil their balls before a match. What?
		135
		155

		146		pygmy headhunter Pygmy headhunters sharpen stones and walk on coals to improve their business acumen. It's a pygmy-eat-pygmy world out there, and the headhunters are just doing what they can with what they've got. Give 'em a break, will ya? A popular vacation spot for pygmy headhunters is Pygmy Head, Massachusetts. The skiing is great.
		138
		150

		142		pygmy janitor Pygmy janitors keep their cleaning supplies on low shelves. If you ever want to play a prank on a pygmy janitor, put his cleaning supplies on a high shelf. Pygmy janitors do not like pranks, and they almost always carry very sharp knives.
		150
		155

		152		pygmy orderlies Pygmy orderlies all have rap careers on the side, and are prone to wacky hijinx. Pygmy orderlies are in charge of changing the bedpans and serving meals. Hopefully they wash their hands between tasks. Pygmy orderlies invent new ways to pass the time every day, like 'bedpan bowling' and 'wheelchair drag racing.'
		142
		158

		148		pygmy shaman Pygmy shamans, unlike bugbear shamans, actually enjoy being squeezed. Pygmy shamans will sometimes just use regular pygmy heads for shrunken heads, and claim that they shrunk it from a normal-sized person. Don't ever mention that you're a "normal-sized person" to a pygmy shaman. From their perspective, they're normal-sized people and you're a great lumbering stupid giant who smells bad.
		140
		150

		150		pygmy witch accountant Oddly enough, witch accountants don't believe in voodoo economics. Most witch accountants don't regret taking a desk job and getting a nice, stable career going, but they do sometimes miss hunting boaraffe with blowguns. Pygmy witch accountants wear a tie and a loincloth to work unless it's casual Friday, when they can lose the loincloth.
		138
		148

		150		pygmy witch lawyer Pygmy lawyers follow the letter of the law, the spirit of the law, and the Letters and Laws of the Spirits. Pygmy lawyers frequently cut plea deals, reducing a head-shrinking sentence to just getting bonked on the head with a wooden spoon a couple of times. In the pygmy justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. Okay, really it's just the pygmy witch lawyers. CHUNG CHUNG.
		142
		145

		148		pygmy witch nurse Pygmy nurses get to wear scrubs, but are discouraged from hanging out the passenger side of their best friend's ride. Pygmy nurses frequently have very close male friends, but it's just guy love, love between two guys. Pygmy nurses keep all their nursing paraphernalia in a pygmy nurse pygmy purse.
		148
		148

		145		pygmy witch surgeon Witch surgeons are some of the richest pygmies, but with the cost of malpractice insurance and constant protests from pygmy shamans (shamen) who prefer holistic medicine, it's a rough job. Regular-height people often seek out pygmy witch surgeons, as they're some of the most skilled surgeons in the Kingdom. Though it's a little strange to see one coming to take out your appendix, and he's carrying a stepladder.
		142
		145

		0		pyrobove The pyrobove is basically how heavy metal album covers were invented. It's a shame there isn't any good meat on a cow head, or killing these things would be a free barbecue. Wait, they drop milk? Where do they keep it?
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