Monster Manuel (N)

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There are 34 creatures filed under N.

Monster Manuel Entries
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other
Bb vassist.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is a Construct N-space Virtual Assistant
  • An N-space Virtual Assistant requires at least 256 gigabytes of RAM to operate its GUI.
  • The entire Library of Loathing (y'know, across the street from the back alley) would fit on one of the NVA's fingernails.
  • The NVA can fold space to transport the bugbear ship. It usually folds space into an origami crane, for style.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +100%
Nastybear.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Beast nasty bear
  • Bears will eat pretty much any old thing. They're like big angry raccoons, but without the funny masks and weird little hands.
  • The world's largest bear was as big as a humpback whale. Also, it lived in the ocean and had flippers instead of claws and wait I think maybe that was just a humpback whale actually.
  • A bear could probably play the flute if you trained it, but that would be difficult.
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 1000 Never wins initiative
Fear3.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Bug natural spider
  • Before you ask, this spider has two additional legs that are not pictured.
  • The reason they are not pictured is that they are too scary.
  • Too Scary is my favorite Halloween rapper.
Whiteshield.gif 20 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Initiative +50%
Sorcform1.gif Nicesword.gif 190 This monster is a Dude The Naughty Sorceress
  • In her teenage years, the Naughty Sorceress was on track to become a good sorceress, until some idiot adventurer interrupted her Ethics of Magic class.
  • The Naughty Sorceress was defeated years ago, but fused her consciousness with an ancient tentacly evil to return to power.
  • Then she was defeated again, and made a bargain with a weird-sense-of-humored god to rise again with her new final form.
Whiteshield.gif 171 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Always wins initiative
Sorcblob.gif Nicesword.gif 205 This monster is a Dude The Naughty Sorceress (2)
  • For some reason, the Sorceress's true form is always accompanied by a choir chanting in Latin over a techno beat. No one's sure why.
  • The Sorceress's true form has more tentacles and drool than a hentai convention.
  • Some of that puddle under her is tears and some of it is drool. But you're used to that when you're around women, right?
Whiteshield.gif 184 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 600 Always wins initiative
Bigsaus.gif Nicesword.gif 9999999 This monster is a Dude The Naughty Sorceress (3)
  • It is not advised that you make jokes about the Naughty Sorceress's "buns", or lack thereof. She's heard it all before.
  • The Naughty Sorceress's famous sausage form is actually a cheddarwurst.
  • There are many theories on why the Naughty Sorceress always chooses a cheddarwurst as her third form when fighting adventurers.
Whiteshield.gif 8999999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 9999999 Always wins initiative
Warfratmd2.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is an Orc Naughty Sorority Nurse
  • The naughy sorority nurse doesn't know much about healing, unless it's of the sexual variety.
  • Naughty sorority nurses aren't authorized to write prescriptions, but the drugs they use aren't of the prescription variety.
  • Naughty sorority nurses can provide first aid and first base at the same time.
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 160 Initiative +30%
Roboss sorc.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Construct Nautomatic Sorceress
  • The Nautomated Sorceress's frame came from a factory out west.
  • They mostly make cowboy robots. That's why she looks the way she does.
  • They're not the kind that go berserk in theme parks and kill unsuspecting guests, though. They're overtly manufactured for the purpose of murdering theme park guests.
Whiteshield.gif 300 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Always wins initiative
Giant neckbeard.gif Nicesword.gif 125 This monster is a Humanoid Neckbeard Giant
  • Neckbeard giants can fix anything that's wrong with your computer, provided you don't need to know how to do anything on your computer when they're done with it.
  • If something goes wrong with the simple user interface on your Neckbearded computer, you can just drop to the command line and control it from there. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?!?
  • Although, there is something to be said about an operating system where you can type "sudo makemeasandwich" and download a delicious hoagie. That's pretty awesome.
Whiteshield.gif 120 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +40%
Neil.gif Nicesword.gif 195 This monster is a Hippy Neil
  • Neil has never been known to sleep. He claims this is because sleep gives you cancer.
  • Neil has never successfully managed to commit suicide, but he does dig graves.
  • The world record for stuffing marshmallows up one nostril stands at 604, as set by Toxteth O'Grady from the U.S.A.
Whiteshield.gif 175 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 240 Initiative +40%
Flytrap2.gif Nicesword.gif 450 This monster is a Plant Neptune flytrap
  • It used to be that you could buy little Neptune flytraps out of the backs of undersea comic books. They also sold tiny little swimming humans, which sounds particularly weird, but they turned out to just be brine shrimp.
  • Some Neptune flytraps take root in sewer pipes to surprise adventurers, but thankfully they're polite enough to not jump out and bite you if you're already standing there.
  • Aren't you glad it isn't a Uranus flytrap? You certainly should be.
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 700 Initiative +125%
Mc respect2.gif Nicesword.gif 45 This monster is a Beast Neptune, the Dog that Is a Respected Equal and Not a Pet
  • Neptune is pretty creepy, but frankly he's the member of the Magic Commune cast that is least likely to cause you to wake up screaming if you dream about him at night.
  • If you feel like the idea of a vegan dog is inherently contradictory, then... I, uh... well, I guess I don't have a response to that.
  • Neptune was originally a rabbit, but a lot of complicated intellectual property rights disputes forced the creators to alter the design. Which worked out fine, as Neptune is kind of a dumb name for a rabbit anyway.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +60%
Mc respect1.gif Nicesword.gif 65 This monster is a Beast Neptune, the Dog that Is a Respected Equal and Not a Pet cast member
  • Being a suit-wearing mascot is a terrible job, but honestly it could be worse -- you could have to stand out in the hot sun spinning a plywood sign around as well.
  • Foam suit-wearing mascots are generally required by their contracts to stay in character at all times. Fortunately, Neptune is known to have a violent attitude toward adventurers.
  • Many furries think being a costumed mascot would be a dream job, but in fact nothing wrecks a fetish like being forced to do it for forty hours a week.
Whiteshield.gif 58 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +30%
Nerdrapper.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude nerd rapper
  • You could give him a million meat -- it won't last.
  • He might tell you that he's seventy-seven feet tall, but this is not the case. Nor is the next thing he tells you likely to be true either.
  • Some days he brags, some days he boasts; 24/7, he fronts the most.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Snakenest.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast nest of rattlers
  • Rattlesnakes don't make very good baby rattles, unless they are baby rattlesnakes.
  • If your snake is rattling, you should take it to a mechanic immediately. It may have a loose belt ot gasket.
  • Snake-oil salesmen may seem like simple crooks, but they're very brave. Have you ever tried to squeeze the oil out of a snake?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Kg king.gif Nicesword.gif 53 This monster is a Goblin new Knob Goblin King
  • Knob Goblin family arrangements, geneology, lines of royal succession, and even genetics are way too complicated to discuss in this sentence.
  • Maybe just pretend that I wrote a really funny joke about how the Goblin King plays with balls all day, and we'll leave it at that.
  • His eyes aren't actually different colors -- one of his pupils is simply much wider, due to an old eye injury, and the contrast makes that eye's coloration appear to be darker.
Whiteshield.gif 47 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +100%
Newt.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is a Beast newt
  • It's a newt. Whaddayawant from me?
  • If you're out of eye of newt, in a pinch you can substitute a teaspoon of powdered dead man's toenails and a tablespoon of cumin.
  • So a guy walks into a bar with a big newt on his shoulder. "His name's Tiny," he says to the bartender. "He looks pretty big to me," the bartender says. "Yeah," the guy agrees, "but I call him Tiny because he's my newt."
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 3 Never wins initiative
Emofrat.gif Nicesword.gif 190 This monster is an Orc Next-generation Frat Boy
  • The first frosted tips occurred by accident, when a frat boy was suspended above a tub of industrial bleach and forced to drink until his hair grew half an inch.
  • Though many frat boys do it, not a lot of people know that wearing multiple polo shirts at once is really stupid.
  • Come to think of it, wearing one polo shirt at once is really stupid.
Whiteshield.gif 171 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +20%
Ninjawaiter.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Dude ninja dressed as a waiter
  • It's considered good form to tip at least 10% of the total blood spilled by a ninja dressed as a waiter.
  • You know, they'd be more effective if they were just ninjas dressed as ninjas, hiding in the shadows, instead of wearing crappy costumes and hiding in plain sight.
  • None of these ninjas are teenaged. I mean, it takes time to learn to be a ninja. You'd have to start when you were in preschool to be one by the time you're a teenager.
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 155 Initiative +100%
Snowman.gif Nicesword.gif 85 This monster is an Elemental Ninja Snowman
  • Most ninja snowmen practice a modified form of judo that compensates for the lack of strength in their twiggy little arms.
  • Ninja snowmen remove their carrot noses so their masks will fit better. The nose is stored behind one of their coal buttons.
  • The first ninja snowman was Fros Ti, brought to life by a wizard in a bygone age. Fros Ti made the rest of the snowmen with his own twiggy arms.
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +60%
Snowman.gif Nicesword.gif 85 This monster is an Elemental Ninja Snowman
  • Ninja snowmen use carrots for noses, because they're easy to take off whenever it's necessary to wear the mask.
  • You may wonder why you only ever find katana hilts on ninja snowmen, and never an entire sword. This is because the blades are made of very thin and sharp icicles, which tend to melt quickly in the presence of human body heat.
  • Ninja snowmen used to work as assassins for the Ice Emperor, but they eventually rebelled and struck out on their own, because he was a real tool. (And a sociopath.)
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +60%
Ninjarice.gif Nicesword.gif 85 This monster is an Elemental Ninja Snowman
  • How do ninja snowmen eat rice without taking off their masks? Or, indeed, at all? It is probably the first mysterious ninja skill they teach to the neophytes.
  • How can ninja snowmen be so stealthy when they're bright white? I guess that's just how good they are.
  • Some say the ninja snowmen make their ninja stars out of the tears of their enemies, but the truth is much simpler: novelty ice-cube trays.
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +60%
Ninja ass.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is an Elemental ninja snowman assassin
  • Ninja Snowmen Assassins can tiptoe, which is no mean feat since they don't have any toes.
  • Ninja Snowmen Assassins are as silent as the grave, as quick as the wind, and as cold as something made out of snow.
  • Ninja Snowmen Assassins have their carrot noses removed as part of their initiation ritual.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +150%
Ninjamop.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is an Elemental Ninja Snowman Janitor
  • Ninja Snowman Janitor, doo-dah, doo-dah.
  • Ninja Snowman Janitor, Janitor, Janitor. Ninja Snowman Janitor, my fair lady.
  • Ninja Snowman Janitor, how I wonder what you are.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +60%
Ninjacloud.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is an Elemental Ninja Snowman Weaponmaster
  • Every weaponmaster must be trained on at least six weapons, and at least one of them has to be ninja stars, because those things are awesome.
  • The only weapon the weaponmaster hasn't mastered is the weapon of self-esteem, the most important weapon of all.
  • There is a minimum height and weight requirement to be a weaponsmaster, but it's not too hard for a snowman to pack on some extra pounds. He just has to roll around outside.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +75%
Nhobo6.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Hobo Normal hobo
  • A normal hobo can eat up to three times his body weight in mosquitoes every night! No, wait, those are bats. I'm thinking of bats.
  • Despite a lack of hygiene, a normal hobo smells only of pipe tobacco and baked beans, not body odor.
  • The leading cause of death among normal hobos is an ailment unique to their tribe. It's called "underestimating how fast the train was going when I jumped off."
Whiteshield.gif 270 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +100%
Hunter2.gif Nicesword.gif 10 This monster is a Dude Norville Rogers
  • Norville believes in only two things: cowardice and sandwiches.
  • Norville frequently feeds his giant dog people food, and has also been spotted eating the dog's food himself.
  • "Zoinks" is the most foul swearword imaginable in Norville's native tongue, tame as it sounds to our ear.
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 15 Initiative +20%
Norwhal.gif Nicesword.gif 250 This monster is a Fish Norwhal
  • A norwhal's favorite flavor is avocado.
  • Some people claim unicorns evolved out of norwhals, but I've never seen a unicorn wearing a hat, so I'm pretty sure it's the other way around.
  • Norwhal horns can be stabbed through a person to cure them of being poisoned.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 225 Initiative +25%
Tropicalskel.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is Undead novelty tropical skeleton
  • A skeleton walks into a tiki bar and says "Give me a scorpion bowl and four mops."
  • Why do skeletons paint their fingernails red? So they can hide in cherry bowls.
  • Have you ever seen a skeleton in a cherry bowl? Of course not. There is only one cherry bowl in the world large enough for a skeleton to fit in it, and it's in Egypt, and you've never been to Egypt.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Novia.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead Novia Cadáver
  • Though many have asked, nobody ever found out who her superman was.
  • She continues to carry her bouquet, because she never got a chance to throw it. If you listen carefully on the night of a full moon, you can sometimes hear the ghosts of the flowers whispering. Well, it probably also helps to be completely insane.
  • Novia Cadáver's favorite color is white. Bleached bone white. Okay, I guess that's actually a sort of off-white.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Novio.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead Novio Cadáver
  • The Novio wears a quantum bowtie, that is sometimes a clip-on and sometimes a real tie. It's a real pain in the neck to put the thing on, no pun intended.
  • It's a myth that throwing rice at weddings will kill birds, unless you lace the rice with bird poison, and why would you do that on someone's wedding day?
  • Notice that the Novio is wearing a jacket, shirt, and tie, but no pants. This is why you shouldn't have your bachelor party the night before the wedding.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Nurseshark.gif Nicesword.gif 450 This monster is a Fish nurse shark
  • One of the upsides about being a nurse under the sea is there aren't any bedpans to change.
  • Nurse sharks are skilled at giving vaccinations, checking blood pressure, and biting people's heads off.
  • Most HMOs won't cover a visit to a nurse shark without a referral from a primary care orca.
Whiteshield.gif 405 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +50%
Nutmeganemone.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Plant nutmeg anemone
  • With anemones like these, you'll have lots of friends.
  • Because they're a source of autumn spices, I mean, and you'll be able to make lots of holiday treats with them.
  • Everybody loves holiday treats.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Never wins initiative

References

  • An idiot Adventurer did indeed interrupt the Naughty Sorceress' Ethics of Magic class.
  • The Neptune Flytrap's first factoid is a reference to Sea Monkeys.
  • The line about Norville believing in cowardice and sandwiches is a reference to an Eddie Izzard bit about the universal appeal of scooby and shaggy that hearkens back to Shakespeare and the classics.