Monster Manuel (N)

There are 36 creatures filed under N.

Monster Manuel Entries

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		175		N-space Virtual Assistant An N-space Virtual Assistant requires at least 256 gigabytes of RAM to operate its GUI. The entire Library of Loathing (y'know, across the street from the back alley) would fit on one of the NVA's fingernails. The NVA can fold space to transport the bugbear ship. It usually folds space into an origami crane, for style.
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		150		nasty bear Bears will eat pretty much any old thing. They're like big angry raccoons, but without the funny masks and weird little hands. The world's largest bear was as big as a humpback whale. Also, it lived in the ocean and had flippers instead of claws and wait I think maybe that was just a humpback whale actually. A bear could probably play the flute if you trained it, but that would be difficult.
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		30		natural spider Before you ask, this spider has two additional legs that are not pictured. The reason they are not pictured is that they are too scary. Too Scary is my favorite Halloween rapper.
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		300		Naughty Saursaurus Dinosaurs have been eating wizards since the dawn of time. The earliest wizards eaten by dinosaurs were ones who traveled backwards in time by magical means. The spookiest thing that can happen to a wizard is if they dig up a dinosaur skeleton and find their own skeleton in the dinosaur skeleton's stomach.
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		190		The Naughty Sorceress In her teenage years, the Naughty Sorceress was on track to become a good sorceress, until some idiot adventurer interrupted her Ethics of Magic class. The Naughty Sorceress was defeated years ago, but fused her consciousness with an ancient tentacly evil to return to power. Then she was defeated again, and made a bargain with a weird-sense-of-humored god to rise again with her new final form.
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		205		The Naughty Sorceress (2) For some reason, the Sorceress's true form is always accompanied by a choir chanting in Latin over a techno beat. No one's sure why. The Sorceress's true form has more tentacles and drool than a hentai convention. Some of that puddle under her is tears and some of it is drool. But you're used to that when you're around women, right?
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		9999999		The Naughty Sorceress (3) It is not advised that you make jokes about the Naughty Sorceress's "buns", or lack thereof. She's heard it all before. The Naughty Sorceress's famous sausage form is actually a cheddarwurst. There are many theories on why the Naughty Sorceress always chooses a cheddarwurst as her third form when fighting adventurers.
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		180		Naughty Sorority Nurse The naughy sorority nurse doesn't know much about healing, unless it's of the sexual variety. Naughty sorority nurses aren't authorized to write prescriptions, but the drugs they use aren't of the prescription variety. Naughty sorority nurses can provide first aid and first base at the same time.
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		300		Nautomatic Sorceress The Nautomated Sorceress's frame came from a factory out west. They mostly make cowboy robots. That's why she looks the way she does. They're not the kind that go berserk in theme parks and kill unsuspecting guests, though. They're overtly manufactured for the purpose of murdering theme park guests.
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		175		navy seal Navy seals are far more deadly than Easter seals. But, of course, nothing's more deadly than Crimbo seals. The navy seals motto is "semper frigidus." Navy seals are actually just the same shade of gray as all the other seals.
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		4		ncle If there's anything ncles love more than a picnic, it's classic cars. Ncle law mandates that they all know the quarter-from-the-ear trick. Otherwise they could lose their ncleing license. The Formicidae family has ants and ncles, but no mothers or fathers. This is because those words don't have any u's in them.
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		125		Neckbeard Giant Neckbeard giants can fix anything that's wrong with your computer, provided you don't need to know how to do anything on your computer when they're done with it. If something goes wrong with the simple user interface on your Neckbearded computer, you can just drop to the command line and control it from there. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?!? Although, there is something to be said about an operating system where you can type "sudo makemeasandwich" and download a delicious hoagie. That's pretty awesome.
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		195		Neil Neil has never been known to sleep. He claims this is because sleep gives you cancer. Neil has never successfully managed to commit suicide, but he does dig graves. The world record for stuffing marshmallows up one nostril stands at 604, as set by Toxteth O'Grady from the U.S.A.
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		450		Neptune flytrap It used to be that you could buy little Neptune flytraps out of the backs of undersea comic books. They also sold tiny little swimming humans, which sounds particularly weird, but they turned out to just be brine shrimp. Some Neptune flytraps take root in sewer pipes to surprise adventurers, but thankfully they're polite enough to not jump out and bite you if you're already standing there. Aren't you glad it isn't a Uranus flytrap? You certainly should be.
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		45		Neptune, the Dog that Is a Respected Equal and Not a Pet Neptune is pretty creepy, but frankly he's the member of the Magic Commune cast that is least likely to cause you to wake up screaming if you dream about him at night. If you feel like the idea of a vegan dog is inherently contradictory, then... I, uh... well, I guess I don't have a response to that. Neptune was originally a rabbit, but a lot of complicated intellectual property rights disputes forced the creators to alter the design. Which worked out fine, as Neptune is kind of a dumb name for a rabbit anyway.
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		65		Neptune, the Dog that Is a Respected Equal and Not a Pet cast member Being a suit-wearing mascot is a terrible job, but honestly it could be worse -- you could have to stand out in the hot sun spinning a plywood sign around as well. Foam suit-wearing mascots are generally required by their contracts to stay in character at all times. Fortunately, Neptune is known to have a violent attitude toward adventurers. Many furries think being a costumed mascot would be a dream job, but in fact nothing wrecks a fetish like being forced to do it for forty hours a week.
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		?		nerd rapper You could give him a million meat -- it won't last. He might tell you that he's seventy-seven feet tall, but this is not the case. Nor is the next thing he tells you likely to be true either. Some days he brags, some days he boasts; 24/7, he fronts the most.
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		?		nest of rattlers Rattlesnakes don't make very good baby rattles, unless they are baby rattlesnakes. If your snake is rattling, you should take it to a mechanic immediately. It may have a loose belt ot gasket. Snake-oil salesmen may seem like simple crooks, but they're very brave. Have you ever tried to squeeze the oil out of a snake?
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		53		new Knob Goblin King Knob Goblin family arrangements, geneology, lines of royal succession, and even genetics are way too complicated to discuss in this sentence. Maybe just pretend that I wrote a really funny joke about how the Goblin King plays with balls all day, and we'll leave it at that. His eyes aren't actually different colors -- one of his pupils is simply much wider, due to an old eye injury, and the contrast makes that eye's coloration appear to be darker.
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		3		newt It's a newt. Whaddayawant from me? If you're out of eye of newt, in a pinch you can substitute a teaspoon of powdered dead man's toenails and a tablespoon of cumin. So a guy walks into a bar with a big newt on his shoulder. "His name's Tiny," he says to the bartender. "He looks pretty big to me," the bartender says. "Yeah," the guy agrees, "but I call him Tiny because he's my newt."
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		190		Next-generation Frat Boy The first frosted tips occurred by accident, when a frat boy was suspended above a tub of industrial bleach and forced to drink until his hair grew half an inch. Though many frat boys do it, not a lot of people know that wearing multiple polo shirts at once is really stupid. Come to think of it, wearing one polo shirt at once is really stupid.
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		150		ninja dressed as a waiter It's considered good form to tip at least 10% of the total blood spilled by a ninja dressed as a waiter. You know, they'd be more effective if they were just ninjas dressed as ninjas, hiding in the shadows, instead of wearing crappy costumes and hiding in plain sight. None of these ninjas are teenaged. I mean, it takes time to learn to be a ninja. You'd have to start when you were in preschool to be one by the time you're a teenager.
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		85		Ninja Snowman Most ninja snowmen practice a modified form of judo that compensates for the lack of strength in their twiggy little arms. Ninja snowmen remove their carrot noses so their masks will fit better. The nose is stored behind one of their coal buttons. The first ninja snowman was Fros Ti, brought to life by a wizard in a bygone age. Fros Ti made the rest of the snowmen with his own twiggy arms.
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		85		Ninja Snowman Ninja snowmen use carrots for noses, because they're easy to take off whenever it's necessary to wear the mask. You may wonder why you only ever find katana hilts on ninja snowmen, and never an entire sword. This is because the blades are made of very thin and sharp icicles, which tend to melt quickly in the presence of human body heat. Ninja snowmen used to work as assassins for the Ice Emperor, but they eventually rebelled and struck out on their own, because he was a real tool. (And a sociopath.)
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		85		Ninja Snowman How do ninja snowmen eat rice without taking off their masks? Or, indeed, at all? It is probably the first mysterious ninja skill they teach to the neophytes. How can ninja snowmen be so stealthy when they're bright white? I guess that's just how good they are. Some say the ninja snowmen make their ninja stars out of the tears of their enemies, but the truth is much simpler: novelty ice-cube trays.
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		150		ninja snowman assassin Ninja Snowmen Assassins can tiptoe, which is no mean feat since they don't have any toes. Ninja Snowmen Assassins are as silent as the grave, as quick as the wind, and as cold as something made out of snow. Ninja Snowmen Assassins have their carrot noses removed as part of their initiation ritual.
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		80		Ninja Snowman Janitor Ninja Snowman Janitor, doo-dah, doo-dah. Ninja Snowman Janitor, Janitor, Janitor. Ninja Snowman Janitor, my fair lady. Ninja Snowman Janitor, how I wonder what you are.
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		90		Ninja Snowman Weaponmaster Every weaponmaster must be trained on at least six weapons, and at least one of them has to be ninja stars, because those things are awesome. The only weapon the weaponmaster hasn't mastered is the weapon of self-esteem, the most important weapon of all. There is a minimum height and weight requirement to be a weaponsmaster, but it's not too hard for a snowman to pack on some extra pounds. He just has to roll around outside.
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		300		Normal hobo A normal hobo can eat up to three times his body weight in mosquitoes every night! No, wait, those are bats. I'm thinking of bats. Despite a lack of hygiene, a normal hobo smells only of pipe tobacco and baked beans, not body odor. The leading cause of death among normal hobos is an ailment unique to their tribe. It's called "underestimating how fast the train was going when I jumped off."
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		10		Norville Rogers Norville believes in only two things: cowardice and sandwiches. Norville frequently feeds his giant dog people food, and has also been spotted eating the dog's food himself. "Zoinks" is the most foul swearword imaginable in Norville's native tongue, tame as it sounds to our ear.
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		250		Norwhal A norwhal's favorite flavor is avocado. Some people claim unicorns evolved out of norwhals, but I've never seen a unicorn wearing a hat, so I'm pretty sure it's the other way around. Norwhal horns can be stabbed through a person to cure them of being poisoned.
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		2		novelty tropical skeleton A skeleton walks into a tiki bar and says "Give me a scorpion bowl and four mops." Why do skeletons paint their fingernails red? So they can hide in cherry bowls. Have you ever seen a skeleton in a cherry bowl? Of course not. There is only one cherry bowl in the world large enough for a skeleton to fit in it, and it's in Egypt, and you've never been to Egypt.
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		0		Novia Cadáver Though many have asked, nobody ever found out who her superman was. She continues to carry her bouquet, because she never got a chance to throw it. If you listen carefully on the night of a full moon, you can sometimes hear the ghosts of the flowers whispering. Well, it probably also helps to be completely insane. Novia Cadáver's favorite color is white. Bleached bone white. Okay, I guess that's actually a sort of off-white.
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		0		Novio Cadáver The Novio wears a quantum bowtie, that is sometimes a clip-on and sometimes a real tie. It's a real pain in the neck to put the thing on, no pun intended. It's a myth that throwing rice at weddings will kill birds, unless you lace the rice with bird poison, and why would you do that on someone's wedding day? Notice that the Novio is wearing a jacket, shirt, and tie, but no pants. This is why you shouldn't have your bachelor party the night before the wedding.
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		450		nurse shark One of the upsides about being a nurse under the sea is there aren't any bedpans to change. Nurse sharks are skilled at giving vaccinations, checking blood pressure, and biting people's heads off. Most HMOs won't cover a visit to a nurse shark without a referral from a primary care orca.
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		200		nutmeg anemone With anemones like these, you'll have lots of friends. Because they're a source of autumn spices, I mean, and you'll be able to make lots of holiday treats with them. Everybody loves holiday treats.
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References

• An idiot Adventurer did indeed interrupt the Naughty Sorceress' Ethics of Magic class.
• The Neptune Flytrap's first factoid is a reference to Sea Monkeys.
• The line about Norville believing in cowardice and sandwiches is a reference to an Eddie Izzard bit about the universal appeal of scooby and shaggy that hearkens back to Shakespeare and the classics.