Monster Manuel (K)

There are 44 creatures filed under K.

Monster Manuel Entries

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		0		kachungasaur The kachungasaur is singlehandedly responsible for the extinction of the fifty most delicious prehistoric mammal species. Several brief ice ages were caused by a kachungasaur walking in front of the sun. When scientists say the kachungasaur dates to around the Jurassic period, they mean it really dates to AROUND the Jurassic period.
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		180		Kamek Sufficiently advanced mathematics is indistinguishable from magic. It seems a little weird to me that he wears his robe over his shell, but I guess the alternative would be much weirder. Did You Know: In the English translations, "Kamek" is the name of a particular Magikoopa, but in Japanese "kamek" is just the species name. So it's like if the English name for Mario was "Plumber" or "Human".
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		25		Keese Bats such as the Keese are frequently among the weakest enemies in video games. They make up for this fact by being the most annoying. The plural of 'keese' is 'keesen'. The collective noun is "an irritation of keesen". Unlike real bats, keesen will specifically and intentionally attempt to get tangled in their enemy's hair. This is why 8-bit adventurers are rarely seen without hats.
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		300		kelpie (horse form) Kelpies normally haunt rivers and streams, but this one apparently got promoted to ocean duty. Or maybe the ocean is like Siberia for kelpies, and this is actually a punishment assignment. Given that kelpies are mostly known for drowning people, what do you suppose one has to do to get in trouble with its commanding officer?
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		300		kelpie (lady form) Almost no kelpies are named Kelsie. The most famous kelpie is Julie Kelpie, who was in a bunch of Richard Linklater movies in the 90s. The second most famous kelpie is Kelpie Grammar, who singlehandedly taught the entire kelpie species how to form proper sentences.
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		?		kid who is too old to be Trick-or-Treating The too-old kid wants you to know that they named the DOG Indiana. The too-old kid wants you to know that hash is legal, but it ain't 100% legal. They want you to smoke it in your home or other designated areas. The too-old kid wants you to know that if someone asks if you're a God, you say YES!
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		500		Killer clownfish Clownfish are immune to the poison of sea anemones, and use them as their homes and nests. Frequently, a school of twenty or thirty of them will live inside the same anemone. A subspecies of clownfish known as the "rodeo clownfish" aids the other members of its school by distracting predators while the other clownfish feed. Despite what you might be expecting, killer clownfish do not come from outer space. That would be too easy.
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		0		killing bird Angela Lansbury's name is a killing bird. I guess I don't know for certain that normal hawks can't shoot laser beams out of their eyes. I haven't really tested the theory. I'm so curious, and I'm so curious, and I'm so curious, and I've got laser eyes.
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		47		kilopede There's also a decipede, but it's less interesting. And then there's also the pentapede, which is one of nature's most awkwardly-moving bugs. The best one of course is the zeptopede, which besides being impossibly long, is also the most underrated Marx brother.
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		180		King Boo How does he put his crown on with those little arms? What is he the ghost of? A pufferfish? A volleyball? Imagine having to play "Red Light, Green Light" for your entire life. That seems really tiring.
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		?		king snake Popular names for baby king snakes are Stephen, Larry, and Vi. Unpopular names for baby king snakes are Smo, Frac, and Pu. Actually, those were jokes. King snakes can't talk, so they don't name their babies.
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		0		Kleptobrainiac Kleptobrainiacs could get normal jobs if they wanted to, they just feel it's more efficient to steal. Kleptobrainiac training is done in a building with seventeen complicated locks on the front door. Getting inside is the first exam. Kleptobrainiacs refer to their crimes as "hacks" in order to make them sound less like crimes.
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		115		knight If it weren't for the knight's crippling addiction to dreams and lights potions, he would probably be a baron by now. The knight thinks he's dating one of the maidens, but she insists they're just really good friends. The knight's battle cry of "Have at you!" is best answered with a hearty "gesundheit."
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		115		knight From the symbol on his shield, it seems likely that this knight was from House Alethino, who were famous for their chivalry, and for swallowing their food whole. The most famous member of House Alethino was Lord Lucian Alethino, who invented a mechanical girdle that could detect when the wearer was choking. It didn't actually do anything when it detected this, though. In heraldry, the snake commonly represents wisdom. This is because snakes are, um... well, they... uh...
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		38		Knight in White Satin Knights originally began wearing satin pants when it was discovered that the slippery fabric helped to deflect blows. Making their shields out of satin as well was a later development. The knights found them to be light and tough, although not much use against dragons. If you're having trouble locating a Knight in White Satin, check your calendar; they generally take off Tuesday afternoons.
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		22		Knob Goblin Accountant It's not true that there's no accounting for taste. The Knob Goblin Accountant can tell you within three decimal places exactly why you like that Adam Sandler movie. Older Knob Goblin Accountants tend to still think in beans and beans per hill, rather than meat and meat stacks. The Knob Goblin Accountant's glasses aren't prescription. He thinks they make him look cool.
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		40		Knob Goblin Alchemist Knob Goblin Alchemists can turn any potable liquid into urine, given enough time. The Philosopher's Scone can't make aqua de vida, the water of life, but it's delicious with a little leche de vaca. A Knob Goblin Alchemist invented a potion that makes whomever drinks it have the ability to turn lead into meat. Since nature abhors a smartass, though, the potion was deadly poison and killed him instantly.
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		2		Knob Goblin Assistant Chef Knob Goblin assistant chefs enjoy classic rock in general, but hate Jethro Tull. If you, like a Knob Goblin assistant chef, are always on the lookout for ways to save money in the kitchen, do what they do -- replace half of the flour in your recipes with dirt. Many Knob Goblin assistant chefs are actually being controlled by rats hiding under their chef's hat. Or rat-shaped colonies of lice. It's hard to tell sometimes.
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		2		Knob Goblin Barbecue Team Knob goblins aren't really very good at grilling, and let their magically-animated grills do most of the work. They're really only there to poke the grill with the tongs once in a while, to make sure it doesn't eat the sausages itself. Knob goblins prefer their sausages thoroughly charred, and with plenty of hot sauce. This is because they don't want to be able to taste the actual sausage. Once in a while, a knob goblin will suggest maybe grilling some veggie kabobs instead, or perhaps soyburgers? This is how Knob Goblin Harem Guards get their jobs.
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		24		Knob Goblin Bean Counter The Goblin King employs a huge number of accountants, because he needs someone to keep track of all the money he spends on salaries for all his chefs, guards, and accountants. Cobb's Knob accountants are this crazy world's foremost authorities on whether or not something adds up to a hill of beans. The Goblin King has made several attempts to alter the bean counters' contracts, so he can make them count meat instead of beans. Unfortunately, they keep demanding stock options, and negotiations always break down at that point.
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		53		Knob Goblin Beast Lycopene is also found in tomatoes, red carrots, watermelons, and a few other things. It probably won't turn you into a beast-person, but be safe out there. Goblin physiology makes every meal an exciting game of russian roulette. You might expect them to be more cautious, but as a general rule they're super into it. If you're wondering why they even had those mushrooms on that platter, it's because they were an attractive garnish.
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		25		Knob Goblin Elite Guard The Elite Guard is chosen from the best of the cream of the barrel of regular guards. They get extra pay and one additional pitchfork of hay to sleep on. The Elite Guardsman can disassemble, clean, and reassemble a polearm in under five minutes in total darkness. Most humans can do it in three. The Elite Guard would be far more effective if their helmets didn't cover their eyes, but the helmet maker is the Goblin King's nephew.
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		30		Knob Goblin Elite Guard Captain Knob Goblin Guards are given polearms when they have proven themselves able to wield a scimitar for more than four weeks in a row without accidentally cutting anyone's fingers (or ears, or heads) off. Knob Goblin Guard Captains like to plot world domination as a sort of mental exercise, and don't actually plan on ever implementing any of their schemes. Well, unless maybe someone comes up with a really good one. The favorite snack of Knob Guard Captains is knob sausages. Okay, well, knob sausages are pretty much all there is to eat in Cobb's Knob, so that's sort of like saying "My favorite thing to breathe is air."
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		30		Knob Goblin Elite Guardsman Elite Guardsmen get double rations and a few extra beans per week. Elite Guardsmen are considered first in requests for days off, according to seniority. I mean, the king denies all the requests anyway, but the Elites are considered first. There's an annual game of Forkball between the Elite Guardsmen and the Gnollish Gearheads. The Gearheads usually win.
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		30		Knob Goblin Elite Zombie See, regular knob goblin guards are lazy and slow, so they get fast zombies. Zombie speed is the inverse of the original organism, due to release of stored potential engergy in the muscle fibers. Also zombie science is real easy because you can just say random words.
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		24		Knob Goblin Embezzler Most embezzlers in Cobb's Knob are caught due to line 22b of the Schedule 4 Income Report Form, which asks, "In the past quarter, how much money did you earn via embezzlement?" Meat eventually replaced beans in the Loathing economy because who wants to carry around a bunch of beans all day? That's just dumb. Most embezzling is done via rounding errors -- taking the little bits of gristle that are cut off the meat when it is processed, and secretly depositing them to a personal account.
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		25		Knob Goblin Harem Girl The veils worn by Knob Goblin harem girls are as much about keeping her breath in as keeping your eyes out. Knob Goblin harem girls are cauldrons of disease, but they are surprisingly long-lived -- the various diseases work out a sort of armistice, and coexist in relative peace. There's an old saying that goes "Once you go Knob Goblin harem girl, you'll never go Knob Goblin harem girl again, if you can help it."
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		25		Knob Goblin Harem Guard Most Knob Goblin harem guards have lovely soprano singing voices. Unfortunately, none of them can carry a tune worth a damn. Knob Goblin Harem Guard is not a hereditary position. You may be wondering why any Knob Goblin would elect to become a harem guard. Most of them do too.
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		53		Knob Goblin King The Knob Goblin king used to be tanned and muscular, but once he got three or four girls in his harem he really let himself go. The Goblin King's crown is made from the remnants of an old fedora someone dropped outside the Knob years ago. The Goblin King's role is mostly ceremonial in Goblin life. He doesn't, like, figure out tax rates of draw up treaties or any of the boring king stuff. He just shouts orders, eats copiously, and copulates like a horny rabbit.
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		40		Knob Goblin Mad Scientist The average Knob Goblin Mad Scientist knows thirty different ways to skin a cat, and how to graft back on scales, feathers, or liverwurst. A wizard can turn a mouse into a teacup; a Mad Scientist can turn a mouse into a tentacled monstrosity capable of leveling a city. You decide which is more powerful. Mad Scientists all follow the Mad Scientific Method, which includes Observation, Hypothesis, Testing, and Shouting "LIIIIVE! GIVE MY CREATION LIIIIIFE!"
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		30		Knob Goblin Madam The Knob Goblin Madam is basically pimp, although one who would rather give you a firm scolding than use her pimp hand. The Knob Goblin Madam is the only Goblin with cleavage, if you don't count the Goblin King in a bathtowel. The Knob Goblin Madam keeps a flask full of booze in her cleavage, to stave off the headaches from giggling harem girls and squeaky-voiced harem guards.
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		22		Knob Goblin Master Chef Knob Goblin master chefs tend to be hot-tempered and violent. You would be too, if you spent years learning about all manner of gourmet cuisines, and then went to live somewhere where there's only sausages to eat. Never let a Knob Goblin master chef see you put salt and pepper on your food before tasting it. He will kick your ass. No, I'm not going to make a Halo joke. I have my pride.
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		25		Knob Goblin MBA Many Knob Goblin MBAs are actually Frat Orcs who managed (somehow) to graduate, and disguised themselves as goblins in order to work in the lucrative world of high finance. How do they fit in, when orcs are so much taller than goblins? Special shoes. "MBA" actually stands for "Master of Bean Acquisition", a hold-over from when beans were the popular currency. "Master of Meat Acquisition" was tried for a while, but the old title was brought back after too many fights kept breaking out. MBAs keep all of their power in their neckties, which is why they're called "power ties". If you wish to defeat one easily, attack the necktie first.
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		53		Knob Goblin Mutant The only real mutant superpower the knob goblin mutant has is the ability to sing harmony with itself. When drunk at parties, knob goblin mutants will sometimes inhale on a cigarette with one head and exhale with the other. Then they're kicked out for smoking inside the house. Knob goblin mutants are all left-handed.
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		4		Knob Goblin poseur Snapping your fingers? He isn't a beat poet. (Unless you beat him.) If this kid ever met an actual gangsta, he would run away. Gangsta poets aren't generally given to writing in haiku.
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		20		Knob Goblin Sous Chef The sous chef is responsible for making sauces. A saucy chef is something else entirely. Just don't look under the latter's apron. The sous chef also plays a mean sousaphone. You'd think saucerors and sous-chefs would be allies, but there's a lot of rivalry in the sauce-based pain community.
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		45		Knob Goblin Very Mad Scientist You can tell these scientists are madder than the regular mad scientists, because they only have half the eyewear. The maddest Knob Goblin scientist ever invented a procedure to grow an extra mouth on the back of his head, so he could smoke a cigar while working without getting ash in the petri dishes. Unfortunately, he died when the back of his lab coat caught fire. Due to protests from the Necromancers' Union, Knob Goblin Mad Scientists are prohibited from attempting to raise the dead, either singly or in the form of hideous flesh golems.
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		105		Knott Yeti The Knott Yeti's growls and snarls are a fairly advanced form of communication. More advanced than Frat Orcs, anyway. Knott Yeti's teeth are serrated for ripping and tearing, and ribbed for her pleasure. The only exports from the land of Knott are Yetis, Slandings, and berries from their many berry farms.
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		40		Koopa Paratroopa Wait, how do those wings work? They're just attached directly to the shell, that's all bone, there's no musculature there! The wings let it fly, but it still flies at the same regular turtle speed. I don't know much about physics, but that seems wrong. Sometimes eagles pick up turtles and drop them from a height onto rocks to break them open. I guess this guy decided to cut out the middleman.
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		20		Koopa Troopa Jumping on top of a Koopa Troopa and kicking its shell into a row of three or four other baddies is possibly one of the most satisfying things you can do in a video game. A Koopa Troopa stuck between two blocks will pace back and forth between them without stopping, until he eventually starves to death. Koopa Troopas are not allowed near steps, due to what is knows as "The Infinite Lives Fiasco".
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		?		Krakrox the Barbarian Given how many children Krakrox sired in his lifetime, he probably shows up hundreds of times in everyone's family tree. Geneology becomes real weird when you go too far back. None of Krakrox's children or grandchildren were particularly famous, mostly because he never stayed in one place for long and none of his kids were ever definitely verified as being his. The hero Boris sometimes claimed to be a direct male-line descendant of Krakrox, but Boris claimed a lot of things, especially when he was drunk.
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		0		Kubla Khan Kubla Khan's business is in Xanadu, a country with weak geopolitical influence, but very powerful on the Scrabble board. The caverns beneath Xanadu are measureless to man, but bugbears confirm they're pretty freakin' big. The caves of ice beneath the pleasure dome are a great place to keep your beer.
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		0		Kudzu Kudzu really likes plants. Like, he would totally marry a plant if that was legal. In fact, Kudzu is pretty mad that it isn't legal for him to marry a plant. Gotpork's congressmen have given their secretaries standing orders to just throw away any letters that Kudzu sends.
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		0		Kung-Fu Hustler Will it surprise you to know that almost all Kung Fu Hustlers are named after cities in China? No? The most famous Kung Fu Hustler of all time was Beijing Hong, who later in life became a consultant and stunt coordinator for popular films such as "The Color of Yen" Other popular sports among Kung Fu practicioners include racquetball, tetherball, and "little wooden bench".
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References

• The Knob Goblin Assistant Chef's third entry is a reference to the Pixar film Ratatouille.
• The Knob Goblin Mad Scientist's third entry is a quote from Frankenstein.