Monster Manuel (J)

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There are 31 creatures filed under J.

Monster Manuel Entries
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other
Jacobsadder.gif Nicesword.gif 84 This monster is a Beast Jacob's adder
  • A Jacob's Adder can be used to power a calculator, because of the natural laws of punning and irony.
  • A Jacob's Adder can also replace the serpentine belt on a car engine.
  • A single Jacob's Adder could provide electricity for a small home for a year, but it won't because it's a total jerk.
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +60%
Orquette1.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is an Orc jailbait orquette
  • The jailbait orquette's favorite booze is peppermint mouthwash, because that's all she can steal from her parents.
  • The jailbait orquette's favorite lip gloss flavor is chunky monkey.
  • The jailbait orquette's favorite item of clothing is her neon-pink ripped-up fishnet stockings.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +30%
Jakenorris.gif Nicesword.gif 250 This monster is a Dude Jake Norris
  • Jake Norris was born in cowboy times, and why aren't any of those games a rad cowboy vampire adventure?
  • If you hadn't killed him, Jake would eventually have been killed by his own whip. I guess when a problem comes along, you can't whip it if that problem is the whip itself.
  • I know very little about Jake Norris, because that one was on Genesis and I never played it.
Whiteshield.gif 250 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2000 Initiative +300%
Jamfish.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Fish jamfish
  • One jamfish aimlessly circled the same coral outcropping for six straight hours. Fans of jamfish trade bootlegs of that video to this day.
  • The difference between jam and jelly is that jam is made with every edible part of the fruit, while jelly is made from just fruit juice.
  • The difference between peanut butter and jam is that . . . never mind, it's a family game.
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 750 Never wins initiative
Jaydenbelmont.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Dude Jayden %belmont%
  • If he had beaten you and stolen your soul, the power he would've gained was "be perpetually baffled by constant ridiculous nonsense", so really, you win either way.
  • Soul powers sound pretty good, but it turns out the ability to huck skeleton bones and giant battleaxes at things has very few practical applications in normal life.
  • You really lucked out, beating that guy. Ordinarily being an anime protagonist with the power of friendship at his disposal would've been plenty even without weird soul powers.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +200%
Fancyjeff.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is Undead Jeff the Fancy Skeleton
  • Jeff only made it a single step into his mine before triggering a rockslide and falling to his death.
  • It wouldn't have mattered, really, because the only mining tool he brought with him was a shrimp fork.
  • Jeff's eventual fate is to become Jeff the Fancy Dust.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +100%
Pilot.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Dude Jefferson pilot
  • Jefferson Airline pilots use psychedelic drugs to keep themselves alert and to make their flights more interesting for all involved.
  • Jefferson Airline pilots want somebody to love, and need somebody to love, but their constant travel and long working hours make that difficult.
  • Jefferson Airline pilots have an annual White Rabbit Chase at their yearly convention.
Whiteshield.gif 140 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 145 Initiative +25%
Larryscrote.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Dude Jerry Bradford
  • Jerry Bradford is the very worst, like no one ever was.
  • Jerry bradford is a douchebag.
  • I have to write 27 more factoids about Jerry Bradford.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Larryscrote.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude Jerry Bradford
  • Jerry Bradford is the same height as you. This is a problem for him, for some reason.
  • Jerry Bradford has his own team of cheerleaders who follow him around and cry when he loses.
  • Most of Jerry Bradford's winnings are spent on Oakley sunglasses.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Larryscrote.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Dude Jerry Bradford
  • Jerry Bradford never feels bad about beating up children's pets and taking their lunch money.
  • Later, older incarnations of Jerry Bradford show him mellowing out a fair bit, but you know he'll always be a douchebag at heart.
  • Jerry Bradford's favorite flavor is my butt.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Larryscrote.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Dude Jerry Bradford
  • Jerry Bradford's pokéfam are extra mean, because he refuses to feed them if they don't win.
  • Nobody has ever played an online game with Jerry Bradford without muting him.
  • If you haven't gotten around to it yet, you might want to look up the Bradford Pear tree, after which Jerry is named. Notably, its smell.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Larryscrote.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Dude Jerry Bradford
  • Jerry Bradford once gave the finger to a basket of newborn kittens.
  • Jerry Bradford posts other people's fanart to his tumblr, without attribution.
  • Jerry Bradford cheats at solitaire.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Larryscrote.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Dude Jerry Bradford
  • Jerry Bradford uses sleeves to disguise his forged pokéfam cards.
  • Professor Bradford wishes he could kick Jerry's ass himself, but feels it would be unseemly. So he recruits other kids to do it for him.
  • Jerry Bradford doesn't pull the wings off of flies. He forces the flies to battle to the death in a little arena.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Larryscrote.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Dude Jerry Bradford
  • When he isn't travelling by skateboard, Jerry Bradford rides around in a red chauffer-driven convertible.
  • Jerry Bradford thinks feelings are for suckers.
  • Every time Jerry Bradford is defeated, an angel gets its wings.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Larryscrote.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude Jerry Bradford
  • Jerry Bradford gets really mad when people use throws on him in fighting games.
  • Jerry Bradford drinks milk right out of the carton.
  • Jerry Bradford tells little kids that Santa isn't real.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Larryscrote.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude Jerry Bradford
  • Jerry Bradford graffitis the walls of local mom-and-pop businesses with a crappy, artless tag.
  • Jerry Bradford spits his chewing gum on the ground.
  • Jerry Bradford wants to debate you, and is just playing devil's advocate.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Larryscrote.gif Nicesword.gif 250 This monster is a Dude Jerry Bradford, Pokéfam World Champion
  • Jerry Bradford holds in his farts until he's in an elevator.
  • When called out for using slurs, Jerry Bradford wonders aloud about your ability to take a joke.
  • This is the 30th and last Jerry Bradford factoid.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Jetski.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude jet-ski bandit
  • Jet-Ski is a registered trademark of the Kawasaki corporation.
  • Fortunately, since the Kawasaki corporation was destroyed when everything else on earth was destroyed, we are probably safe from copyright lawsuits.
  • If you need to blow your nose while you're on a Jet-Ski, just check the glove compartment. It's full of Xeroxed kleenex that you can use.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Nparty jock.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude jock
  • To a jock, football is life.
  • To a jock, life is football.
  • Jocks often become doctors because they want to save footballs.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Jockohomo.gif Nicesword.gif 115 This monster is a Beast Jocko Homo
  • Jocko Homo has heard all the jokes, and doesn't need any lip from you.
  • The species of latently-gay sports enthusiast you encounter in high school is Jockus Homus, not Jocko Homo.
  • "Jock Humus" is the stuff that accumulates in a football player's. . . never mind.
Whiteshield.gif 103 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +60%
Merkindragger2.gif Nicesword.gif 1250 This monster is a Mer-Kin Johnringo, the Netdragger
  • The dragnet is considered a more noble weapon than the switchblade by the gladiatorial community.
  • Gladiators have a pretty high turnover rate. Not, like, "amusement park janitor" high, but high.
  • In the hand-signal game based on Mer-kin gladiator battles, the dragnet beats the dodgeball but loses to the switchblade.
Whiteshield.gif 1200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1500 Initiative +100%
Gbjudge.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Judge Fudge
  • Judges wear those big curly wigs because the curls are convenient places to store pencils and small treats.
  • Some courts have experimented with using airhorns or desk bells instead of gavels, but they just don't have the same gravitas. Graveltas.
  • Wait, how does he keep that gingerbread gavel from breaking? What kind of gingerbread is that?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Doubt3.gif Nicesword.gif 45 This monster is a Beast judgmental eye
  • Judgmental eyes live in constant fear of cataracts.
  • This is because they don't want to accidentally go over one in a barrel.
  • Judgmental eyes cannot swim, they can only float.
Whiteshield.gif 35 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +50%
Orangutan.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Beast jungle baboon
  • Jungle baboons were, evolutionarily speaking, more successful than desert baboons, because it's hard to live in the trees where there aren't any.
  • Baboons are Old World monkeys, not like those youngster monkeys with their roller skates and their listening to the hippity-hoppity music.
  • Baboons have been known to raise lost human foundlings as one of their tribe; weirdly enough, male children raised this way never grow a beard or body hair.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +80%
Scabie jungle.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Bug jungle scabie
  • Jungle scabies are most commonly contracted by participating in "cuddle puddles" at raves.
  • The symptoms of jungle scabies are itching, burning, and attempting to hum along to music that mainly consists of "oontz oontz oontz oontz".
  • Jungle scabies can be easily removed with the application of special shampoo, or by playing a lot of ambient trance music.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +60%
Pr titan.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Dude jungle titan
  • Oddly, all of the jungle titans have exactly the same physique, except for a single weird outstanding feature like one giant fist or a telescoping neck.
  • Each titan is named after the one weird thing about them, like "Bigfist", or "Neckguy", or "The Fuzzy One".
  • For some reason, they chose for their leader the guy with nothing special about him except he's blond.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +50%
Thejunk.gif Nicesword.gif 159 This monster is a Constellation Junk
  • According to legend, the Junk was a mortal ship named "The Peter O'Toole," which was given a memorial in the stars after it sank into a trench.
  • Some astronomers insist on referring to the junk as "Smiling Triangle-Eye Face," omitting the lines that link the sails to the ship.
  • In older astronomy books, the Junk is part of a larger constellation called the Batch.
Whiteshield.gif 143 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Js bender.gif Nicesword.gif 32 This monster is a Humanoid junksprite bender
  • Junksprite benders have a sharper wit than junksprite sharpeners, and junksprite sharpeners go on longer benders than junksprite benders. It's a weird society.
  • Every junksprite is free to pursue his or her interests in a consequence-free environment, so long as those interests involve turning junk into different junk--er, I mean, "upcycling."
  • Junksprite benders like to turn lengths of pipe into elaborate, impractical bicycles. Then they paint them bright colors and fill a bathtub with them. And they don't feel they need to explain their art to you, Warren.
Whiteshield.gif 33 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Never wins initiative
Js melter.gif Nicesword.gif 37 This monster is a Humanoid junksprite melter
  • Like hippies, junksprite melters are a little loopy from the fumes they've inhaled over the years. Unlike hippies, the junksprite's fumes come from melting metal, not herbs.
  • Junksprite melters know the precise temperature at which every common junk metal melts. No use heating the forge for pig iron if you're only melting aluminum, I always say.
  • Junksprite melters listen to a genre of music called "liquid metal," which is like heavy metal, but with hotter guitar solos.
Whiteshield.gif 32 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 21 Never wins initiative
Js sharpener.gif Nicesword.gif 37 This monster is a Humanoid junksprite sharpener
  • Junksprite sharpeners can sharpen just about anything, except their own wits. BURN!
  • In their off-time, sharpeners whittle razor blades out of soap, after whittling razor blades out of tin cans.
  • A junksprite sharpener can sharpen a knife so sharp that it can split hairs, but not so sharp it can pick nits.
Whiteshield.gif 30 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 22 Never wins initiative
Orquette2.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is an Orc juvenile delinquent orquette
  • The most popular tattoo for juvenile delinquent orquettes is a butterfly with tribal designs on its wings and ORC LIFE underneath it.
  • Contrary to her protestations, the orquettes' dad is a moderate-to-slightly-conservative libertarian, not a total fascist.
  • The orquette still sleeps with her fuzzy purple teddy bear, but she'll cut you wtih[sic] her switchblade if you mention it.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +75%

References

  • The junksprite bender not explaining his art to Warren is a quote from the film Empire Records.